tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26465571158356749192024-03-13T11:36:46.625-07:00Nonsensical Shenanigansnon·sen·si·cal [non-sen-si-kuhl] - (of behavior, conduct, actions, etc.) foolish, senseless, fatuous, or absurd<br>
she·nan·i·gans [shuh-nan-i-guhnz] - Silly or high-spirited behavior; mischief.your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-65788244129944699802019-08-29T21:00:00.004-07:002019-08-29T21:00:56.567-07:00WhateverIt's been almost a year since I've posted and I still have nothing new to write.<br />
<br />
Would not recommend being seventh wheel on a family trip, though.<br />
<br />
But I guess the bonus is I don't have to share dessert if I don't want to?your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-34720529602491368602018-10-17T10:17:00.002-07:002018-10-17T10:17:25.501-07:00When the Night Falls“I want to dance with somebody!”<br />
<br />
Jess was dancing around her living room now, glass of wine in hand, while her friend Beth sat on the couch. She’d already had a few glasses, so she was feeling good, and open, and she was ready to tell Beth what was on her mind.<br />
<br />
“You’re lucky. You have a guy you can dance with whenever you want. You don’t have to go on stupid dates from these stupid apps hoping that these stupid guys aren’t stupid. Which they always are.” She was always quite eloquent after imbibing. “All you have to do is go home and say ‘hey! Get up! Dance with me!’ and Jake will. How do I get that?”<br />
<br />
Beth sipped her glass of wine slowly. “You go on dates with stupid guys from the stupid apps, I guess.”<br />
<br />
“But that’s not how you met Jake. You met him at a party and knew right away. RIGHT AWAY. I’ve gone on like eighty billion dates and never felt anything with anyone. Do you think I’m dead inside?”<br />
<br />
Beth laughed, “Yes, you’re definitely dead inside. But don’t worry, that’s all the rage these days.”<br />
<br />
“Oh I know, I’ve always been on top of the trends. Ok, get up and dance with me. If I don’t have a guy to dance with, you’ll have to do for now.”<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
As Jess got ready for bed, she thought about the conversations she’d had with Beth over the years. Beth and Jake had met at a party and had been instantly drawn to each other. It always gave Jess hope that she would meet someone like that and feel the same thing, but after years of going on first dates that rarely went to second dates, she was running out of hope. She knew she was smart, funny, and pretty enough, but it didn’t seem to make any difference. She was still going to bed alone.<br />
<br />
“Tomorrow, Pigglywinks,” she said to her stuffed animal. “Tomorrow will be different.”<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
The next morning, as Jess grabbed her chai latte from her usual coffee shop, she noticed a headline in the paper that someone was reading. It read “Do You Want to Dance with Somebody?” As she tried to get closer to the paper to see what the article said, someone knocked her chai latte out of her hand and all over the reader of the paper.<br />
<br />
“I am so sorry!” she yelped. “I was just trying to see your paper and someone bumped into me and oh my goodness, I am so sorry.” She kept babbling on, but the man just stared at her, looking amused.<br />
<br />
“It’s no problem at all. I was due for a bath anyway.” The man stood up. Jess dabbed him with some napkins, almost making it worse. She looked at him apologetically. “Let me pay for your dry cleaning bill. I can’t believe that happened!”<br />
<br />
“I’m Grant.”<br />
<br />
“Jess.”<br />
<br />
“Jess. That’s a good name. Nice to meet you. You don’t need to pay for my dry cleaning - how about you let me take you out for some ice cream instead?”<br />
<br />
“But that doesn’t make sense. I spilled on you! If anything, I should take YOU out for ice cream.”<br />
<br />
“Deal.”<br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
“Beth, you’ll never believe it. I met this guy after spilling my drink on him and now we’re going out tonight. How is that a real thing?”<br />
<br />
“It’s your meet cute!”<br />
<br />
“OH EM GEE you are totally right! I’ve always wanted to have my own meet cute story that I could tell my grandkids about. Maybe this is it!” Jess started twirling her hair, getting lost in her daydream.<br />
<br />
“Calm down there, Lightning McQueen. This is your first date, you definitely should NOT bring up grandkids.” Beth shook her head. She had to admit it was good to see Jess finally excited about something.<br />
<br />
The typical clothes pile appeared on the floor as Jess tried to figure out to wear. Once she finally picked the dress she felt best in, she stared at herself in the mirror. “Don’t be weird. Or be weird but like, not in a weird way.”<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
Their conversation had been going for hours. Ice cream turned into dinner, which turned into wandering around the city. Jess couldn’t believe how much they had in common and how easy the conversation had flowed. Around midnight they found a bench with a nice overlook and sat down.<br />
<br />
Jess turned to Grant, about to say something completely mundane when he kissed her. It was a quick, soft kiss that took her completely off guard. When he pulled back, they just looked at each other, her with a goofy smile on her face, him looking serious.<br />
<br />
“That was really nice,” Jess started.<br />
<br />
“Jess, listen. I’ve had an amazing time with you tonight, but I don’t think this can go anywhere.”<br />
<br />
Perplexed, Jess scooted away from him on the bench. She was completely silent, trying to process what he was saying. “Uh, what?”<br />
<br />
Grant sighed, and ran his hand through his hair, trying to figure out the best thing to say. “I don’t know how to explain it. You’re funny, smart, and so fun to hang out with. Tonight has been one of the best nights of my life. But I can’t do this.”<br />
<br />
Jess just stared at him. This wasn’t computing. She quickly played back everything that happened during their time together. They had a great time! They joked! They shared fries! What the fuck? “What the fuck?”<br />
Grant stood up. “Let me walk you home.”<br />
<br />
Jess just continued to stare at him. “I don’t want you to walk me home, I want you tell me what happened between a minute ago when you kissed me and when you said this couldn’t go anywhere. Like, seriously dude. Are you on drugs or something?”<br />
<br />
“I don’t have an easy answer for you, Jess. Come on. Let me take you home.”<br />
<br />
Jess stood up and started walking home. “Don’t follow me. You’re such a jackass. I don’t get it.”<br />
<br />
“Jess, come on. I’m not going to let you walk home by yourself. It’s midnight.”<br />
<br />
Jess didn’t say anything else and continued walking. He took that as a sign that he could walk her home.<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
After what felt like three hours of walking in silence but in reality was only 10 minutes, they arrived at Jess’s apartment. She turned to face him, arms crossed, confusion and hurt on her face. “I wish you could explain why this wouldn’t work.”<br />
<br />
Grant sighed again. He shook his head, as if trying to clear it. “I wish I could explain why this wouldn’t bork, too.”<br />
<br />
“Bork? Did you just say bork?”<br />
<br />
“No. You misheard me. Anyway, I have to go. I’m glad you let me walk you home. I love walks. Walks are the best.”<br />
<br />
Jess stared at him, confused about what was happening.<br />
<br />
Grant started to back away slowly. “Thanks for a great evening. I’m sorry it has to end like this. I really did have a great time.”<br />
<br />
“Me too.” Jess watched Grant as he walked away. He waved, then turned around. He stopped when he got to the corner to look at her again, and as he stood there, he turned into a dog.<br />
<br />
Jess blinked in confusion, wondering if she was seeing things. “Grant?” she called. The dog came towards her. “Wait, what? Grant? Seriously?” The dog came a little closer, then ran up to her and jumped up on her. She wasn’t really sure what to do now. She’d never encountered a dude turning into a dog before.<br />
<br />
As she knelt down to pet Grant, she whispered, “I don’t know why you thought this wouldn’t work. I love dogs!”<br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
The next morning Jess woke up with Grant on the couch. As a human. Jess got up and made breakfast for them while he continued to sleep. When the smell of food started wafting out of the kitchen, Grant finally woke up. “So. I guess you know my secret now.”<br />
<br />
Jess turned to him with a smile on her face. “I guess I do. Do you like cheese on your eggs?”<br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
“Beth, I found my dance partner! He’s amazing, and fun, and loving, and he loves to go on walks...he’s incredible! And he’s so protective of me.”<br />
<br />
“That’s so great, Jess! When do I get to meet him?” Beth was back on the couch. “And when did you get a dog?”<br />
<br />
THE ENDyour invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-43544990727757132642018-10-16T00:11:00.000-07:002018-10-16T00:11:45.496-07:00I Didn’t Mean It<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I wrote your name in a book to say you sucked</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I circled yes to being your girlfriend</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I emailed them to say I wanted to kill myself because of my grades</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said I couldn’t walk to your place because of my ankle</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said I was ok with you two being a couple</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said I wanted you back after I found out you told her you only wanted me for my rent money</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said it was fine that I couldn’t have my job back because of us being an us </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I reached back out once a year to go out with you</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said you should meet me in the bathroom</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said I missed you</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said we should get together</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I sent you those pictures</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said I was fine</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said it was fine </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said you should trust me</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said I loved you</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn’t mean it when I said I hated you</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-size: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I wanted to but I didn’t </span></div>
your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-82043560110768596082018-05-29T22:03:00.001-07:002018-05-29T22:03:48.838-07:00I'm fine I'm fine
<br>I'm fine
<br>I'm fine
<br>I'm fine
<br>I'm fine
<br>I'm fine
<br>I'm fine, thank you
<br>I'm fine
<br>I'm fine
<br>Thanks, I'm fine
<br>I'm fine
<br>I'm ok
<br>I'm fine
<br>Couldn't be handling it better
<br>I'm fine
<br>Fuck you
<br>No really I'm fine
<br>I'm fine I guess
<br>Things are fine
<br>It's fine
<br>No I'm great thanks
<br>I'm fine
<br>I'm fine
<br>Yeah no really I'm fine
<br>I'm fine.your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-12027228280124995172018-02-07T11:01:00.001-08:002018-02-07T11:01:19.194-08:00Late Night Insecurities<br />
<div>
Maybe I said something wrong</div>
<div>
Maybe I said too many things right</div>
<div>
Maybe I was an annoying drunk</div>
<div>
Maybe I drank too much</div>
<div>
Maybe he didn't like the way I tasted</div>
<div>
Maybe he didn't like the way I moved </div>
<div>
Maybe I moved too much in my sleep</div>
<div>
Maybe I stayed too close</div>
<div>
Maybe I farted</div>
<div>
Maybe I came off too stupid</div>
<div>
Maybe I didn't use the right grammar in my texts</div>
<div>
Maybe I'm boring</div>
<div>
Maybe I was too insecure</div>
<div>
Maybe I was too confident</div>
<div>
Maybe I was too overdressed</div>
<div>
Maybe I wasn't wearing enough makeup (I wasn't wearing any)</div>
<div>
Maybe I talked about my friends too much</div>
<div>
Maybe I talked about myself too much</div>
<div>
Maybe I talked about the movies too much</div>
<div>
Maybe I wasn't critical enough</div>
<div>
Maybe I was too critical</div>
<div>
Maybe I didn't ask the right questions</div>
<div>
Maybe I asked too many questions </div>
<div>
Maybe I didn't ask enough questions</div>
<div>
Maybe I just wasn't enough </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Maybe he's just busy</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-53055691649307122462017-02-13T16:03:00.001-08:002017-02-13T17:28:47.774-08:00Valentine's Day ListIn honor of Valentine's Day, here is a list of things I like. You know, so when you exist you'll know.<br />
<br />
Kit Kats<br />
orchids<br />
ice cream<br />
raisinets<br />
your smile<br />
your name at the top of my text list<br />
when you catch my eye from across the room<br />
watching you think<br />
watching your reaction when I say or do something confusing<br />
the way your hand feels in mine<br />
knowing you're thinking about me<br />
sunsets<br />
pictures of cute things<br />
Christmas lights<br />
the colors teal and purple<br />
cute dogs<br />
hearing a song that makes me feel happy<br />
my new couches<br />
catching snowflakes<br />
ice cream<br />
thinking of youyour invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-58035006394289756942016-08-11T12:02:00.002-07:002016-08-11T12:02:33.884-07:00True Love is Worth Fighting For...Week 2 of Bachelor in Paradise!Week 2 night 1!<br />
<br />
When we last left off, Chad had gotten kicked out of Paradise after turning it into HELL.<br />
<br />
Chad yells at Chris Harrison for a bit, who has been edited in from some woods-y area from Woodland Hills because he isn't in the same area as Chad anymore. And now Chad is eating protein in the car as he drives away. Bye Chad!<br />
<br />
Shots!<br />
<br />
Leah arrives! She was on Ben's season and spread rumors about Lauren B, who Ben ended up with. Whoops! She's looking for Chad. Because they both really like protein, so it's a match made in heaven. You should just leave and find him, Leah! BYE. Since Chad is gone, she goes around trying to meet all the guys to decide who to go with. She ends up asking Nick on a date. Amanda is sad because she likes him.<br />
<br />
We come back from commercial to watch the twins eat bananas. Jared and Vinny look on, practically drooling. "That's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the night."<br />
<br />
Lace talks to Jorge while she takes shots. Then she pulls a quick high school moment and asks Vinny to talk to Grant and then send him her way. Vinny goes back and Grant goes over to talk to her! Grant tells her that he's pretending like the whole thing with Chad never happened.<br />
<br />
Birds!<br />
<br />
Leah and Nick's date. Leah trips. Whoops! They drink passion fruit margaritas. "Passion fruit, lots of passion in there!" Leah says that she's attracted to that lumberjack look, and that makes me think she doesn't know what Nick looks like. Leah and Nick kiss! And he's super not into it...but kisses her anyway. Ew. AND THEN SHE SAYS "That last splash just got me so wet!"<br />
<br />
Leah and Nick are back from their date. "It was lovely," they both say.<br />
<br />
Uh oh....another date card arrives...and it's for NICK! Two dates in one day?! Oh snap. Leah is SURE that he's going to pick her buuuut instead he picks Amanda! Leah tries to psyche Amanda out by telling her to stop being her. Because they "look similar"...Leah is crazy. She's on a rollercoaster of emotions. THE FIRST DAY SHE'S HERE.<br />
<br />
Amanda and Nick's date was cute! He's so nervous. Also, Nick's job is "Runner Up."<br />
<br />
Bird! Fire! Crab! Leah being sad. Nick and Amanda kissing.<br />
<br />
Sarah goes over to talk to Vinny because she hasn't connected with anyone yet. Vinny walks her home! Cuuuuuuuuuute.<br />
<br />
Carly and Evan are hanging out. They decide to go to bed (separately)...Carly kisses him. EW. No. Evan is in loooooooove. Carly says the kiss was VERY bad. Ewwwwwwww.<br />
<br />
Lace decides to get down and dirty with Grant to make sure he gets his rose. They cover the camera up to get it on...but then somehow, the camera gets uncovered! SEXY TIMES.<br />
<br />
Rose ceremony is coming up! The guys have the power this week, giving out the roses.<br />
<br />
Sarah and Vinny hang out, and then Vinny kisses her! Sarah likes him. Izzy and Vinny talk now...and then Vinny downs his drink, likely to try and sterilize his mouth, and then kisses Izzy! OH EM GEE. SO sleazy! Vinny, you suck.<br />
<br />
Leah tries to secure Nick's rose, but he thinks he's going to give it to Amanda. Leah tries to get Daniel's rose instead and they have a very confusing conversation about onions and oranges. But Leah thinks she'll get his rose!<br />
<br />
Daniel decides to go speed dating with all the girls to decide who he'll give his rose to.<br />
<br />
Rose ceremony! Three girls could go home. Haley and Emily count as one because they're twins.<br />
<br />
Grant gives his rose to Lace.<br />
Nick gives his rose to Amanda.<br />
Evan gives his rose to Carly.<br />
Jared gives his rose to Emily (and Haley).<br />
Vinny gives his rose to Izzy.<br />
Daniel gives his rose to...Sarah!<br />
<br />
Bye Leah and Jubilee! Jubilee is probably going to stay away from Mexico. Leah should go find Chad.<br />
<br />
Uh oh. Josh has arrived. Josh is Andi's ex-fiance. He comes in with a date card...and asks Amanda! He's very into Nick's ladies. Rude. Apparently everyone is just finding out about Nick and Josh being final two...Does no one watch The Bachelor?! Jeez.<br />
<br />
Side note: Daniel's Canadian accent is the best.<br />
<br />
Montage of Josh and Amanda's date intercut with Nick being sad walking on the beach. Josh and Amanda kiss and Josh moans a lot.<br />
<br />
Evan has a date card! He asks Carly and she definitely does noooooot want to go. Very reminiscent of when Ashley asked Jared last season. Yikes. Carly doesn't even change for her date, that's how reluctant she is to go. Her romper is super cute though.<br />
<br />
Their date is a mess. They have to eat the world's hottest pepper and then kiss for 90 seconds. Evan is super excited, and Carly wants to die. EW. Somehow they manage to get through it, kissing for just over 10 seconds longer than they have to! Evan also cops a feel while they're kissing. And there's a drool string when they separate. So gross. And thennnnn Carly goes and pukes. We feel the same way, girl.<br />
<br />
Emily and Jared are laying in one of the sun beds. She has a four step system to get him to kiss her. Step one: small talk. Step two: compliment him. Step three: turn on your side or find a way to get him to put his arm around you. Step four: put your face near his face. But Jared doesn't kiss her until she's starting to walk away.<br />
<br />
Josh and Amanda are back from their date. Josh just leaves everything in god's hands and doesn't care about Nick's feelings. And now Josh is making out with Amanda in front of everyone. That's so rude, guys. Rude of Josh because he doesn't care, but also rude of Amanda because she's in front of Nick, and they went on a date and like...does she not care about his feelings? What the hell. Also Josh moans a lot when he makes out with Amanda. Ew.<br />
<br />
<br />
Week 2 night 2!<br />
<br />
We start out with Daniel counting out how many abs he has, just in case he lost one during the night. Josh and Amanda are also making out.<br />
<br />
Birds!<br />
<br />
Daniel is trying to get Nick to confront Josh about their whole relationship but also, no. Nick is taking the high road and avoiding them.<br />
<br />
Daniel is now trying to get Sarah to be more interested in him. Sarah is intrigued by him but also cautious because he's a little weird.<br />
<br />
Aaaaand Christian shows up! He was on JoJo's season. A lot of the girls are already interested in him. Christian asks the guys to go chat to see what the deal is, and then he asks Sarah to go on his date! Daniel is worried.<br />
<br />
Lizard of some kind! Birds!<br />
<br />
Carly and Evan are now describing their date to different people. Carly is explaining it as deadpan as you possibly can, and Evan is pretty much in love. Carly decides that she needs to tell him that she's not interested in him. Which, good for her that she's actually telling him. He seems to take it pretty well although he's bummed about it. Jared describes it to Carly pretty well: "You guys went on a date, and you threw up. I don't think it's going to work out."<br />
<br />
Christian and Sarah's date is really cute. They do a bunch of physical activities and Christian is super supportive of her. They kiss!<br />
<br />
Evan is still upset, trying to decide if he should pack his stuff up and go or if he should try and make a connection with someone else.<br />
<br />
Brandon is here! From Desiree's season. Even Chris Harrison doesn't remember him. He gets a date card! He asks Haley. Carly is sad.<br />
<br />
Lizard!<br />
<br />
Haley is drunk! She's an adorable drunk. She started crying because she wants the girls to braid her hair!!<br />
<br />
Christian and Sarah come back from their date and Daniel is sad that Sarah seems interested in Christian.<br />
<br />
Josh and Amanda are still making out in front of everyone.<br />
<br />
Daniel gets some chocolate strawberries and champagne and shares it with Sarah. She seems to like him because he's keeping her entertained and making her laugh a lot. But they also seem to have a good serious conversation. Sarah says that she had a good time on her date but that it would've been more fun with Daniel. Aw, Daniel says he wants to kiss her...but he doesn't want to give her the zika virus. <br />
<br />
Brandon and Haley go on their date. Haley and Emily are going to play a trick on Brandon and do a switcheroo. Whyyyyyy. Brandon can't tell. That's sad. But also it's the first date so like how would you expect him to figure that out so quickly?<br />
<br />
Josh and Amanda, Grant and Lace, and Vinny and Izzy are all sitting on the same bed thing making out with each other.<br />
<br />
Evan has decided to go pursue Amanda because they have the "parent" connection. We'll see what happens with that...next week!!!your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-34314595994870740112016-08-09T07:30:00.000-07:002016-08-09T07:30:22.447-07:00It's BACK!!!! Bachelor in Paradise Has Returned! I am so flippin' excited you guys...my favorite summer show is back! Seriously, whenever anyone asks me what my favorite show is near summertime, it's HANDS DOWN Bachelor in Paradise. I don't know if it's the cheesy theme song, the extra appearance of Chris Harrison, or just Jorge's magical existence that makes it my favorite, but whatever it is, my summer is greatly improved when this show returns.<br />
<br />
We start the episode out with a thrilling sneak peak that we've seen at least four times already thanks to it being shown to us during The Bachelorette. SO MUCH DRAMA TO COME, GUYS!!<br />
<br />
MAIN TITLE!! Where they show everyone who is going to be here during this episode. Hurray!<br />
<br />
Chris Harrison gets a drink from Jorge! I love them and their cute relationship. Aw, he's mentioning Jade and Tanner. Who will find love this summer? Kick back, relax, grab a drink, and LET'S ALL FIND OUT TOGETHER!<br />
<br />
Let's meet the people!<br />
<br />
First up are the twins, from Ben's season. They've already decided that they're not going to date the same guy this season. We'll SEE!!!<br />
<br />
Next is Nick, runner up during both Andi and Kaitlyn's seasons. Poor Nick, living in Silver Lake, not able to find a lady on his own. Oh look, he's doing crossfit. How original. He's interested in Jubilee!<br />
<br />
Now we meet Jubilee, from Ben's season. She suffers from the same affliction as me, Resting Bitch Face. She's been working on it. We'll see if that shows during the show!<br />
<br />
Evan! From JoJo's season. He's the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist and he's STILL NOT OVER THE FACT that Chad "ripped" his shirt. So they show him literally buying the same shirt. Come on, Evan. It was a sound effect. Yes, maybe he stretched it but that's not the same. And really, it was too tight on you anyway. Evan says he's excited to relax in Paradise with some beautiful girls, and hopefully not Chad. But guess who we meet next...<br />
<br />
Chad! From JoJo's season. We're given a montage of him threatening people and eating, and then him walking his dog! And putting a lot of protein things in his suitcase. He's interested in Lace!<br />
<br />
So of course now we meet Lace, from Ben's season. She says that it didn't go well because she drank too much and that she wasn't crazy. So of course, now that she's going to Paradise that's definitely going to change, right???<br />
<br />
Daniel, the Canadian! He's Chad's best friend from JoJo's season. We're gifted him trying to say "Bachelorette" and failing, because he's Canadian. Actual quote: "You can't get rid of me, I'm like a disease that just won't go away, like herpes. I don't know if I want to be associated with herpes...it's treatable nowadays so it's not a big deal, right?" Can't wait for more gems like this from him.<br />
<br />
Amanda! From Ben's season. She's a mom. She's also super into upspeak and glottal fry. It's great? I love upspeak?<br />
<br />
Commercial!<br />
<br />
Amanda is the first to arrive in Paradise. There are birds! "Falling in love here would be amazing."<br />
<br />
Nick arrives! He's nervous. "All I can do is have an open mind and see where it goes, and see what happens."<br />
<br />
Jubilee! Ben dumped Jubilee in Mexico, so she's hoping being in Mexico goes better this time.<br />
<br />
They mention Chad being next and then play scary music!!<br />
<br />
But it's Evan. Jubilee calls him "The Penis Guy" which is pretty accurate. She says she'll try to remember his name and not call him "The Penis Guy" but we'll see.<br />
<br />
Vinny arrives! He's from JoJo's season. He's in "Puerto Vallarty" and he's "ready to party."<br />
<br />
Carly is here! Last season she found love with Kirk and then he broke her heart. But she's back! Second chance at love! She's going to test drive some cars this time. Cars being dudes. Stick shift. Sex jokes.<br />
<br />
Grant! From JoJo's season. He was a fireman. Is a fireman? Who knows.<br />
<br />
And now Daniel arrives. Wearing jean shorts. Grant says hide your belly buttons because Daniel is here. Daniel is not impressed with the women that are here. Jubilee tells Amanda not to make eye contact with him.<br />
<br />
Another mention of Chad, another shot of birds flying away and scary music playing.<br />
<br />
Grant says he doesn't know about all these birds, something bad is going to happen. One of them dive-bombs into the water, scary music plays and...DUN DUN DUN...COMMERCIAL BREAK.<br />
<br />
Pelicans! As pointed out by Vinny.<br />
<br />
Sarah shows up! From Sean's season. She wants to do this because she saw love come out of her season and she went to Jade and Tanner's wedding. Chris says "I want you to walk back up these steps an engaged woman." Sarah says "Wouldn't that be amazing? That's like my dream." Here's hoping! We're not in the business of dream crushing...<br />
<br />
Aaaaand Daniel tries to get Vinny to rank girls. Vinny thinks Sarah is beautiful!<br />
<br />
The twins! Uh oh, Daniel has his eye on them.<br />
<br />
Jorge!<br />
<br />
And now it's...Izzy? No one knows who she is. I guess she was on Ben's season? Sarah says what we're all thinking...she looks exactly like all the other girls we've seen on this show.<br />
<br />
Izzy and Daniel go to chat. It doesn't not go well at all. Yikes. Daniel. Stop. Izzy's face is just like "...please stop. Why did I decide to talk to you?"<br />
<br />
Lace arrives! Grant says he's pretty good at reading people, and he can already tell that Lace is a mess. But I know from promos that Grant and Lace date so...SPOILER ALERT.<br />
<br />
Nick puts sunblock on! Good job. One of the twins points out that everyone is getting naked, and Nick says "well, that's the idea." OCEAN SEX GUYS! First episode and it's already happening. Daniel and Vinny high five. The Twins run holding hands. PARADISE.<br />
<br />
Jared is back in Paradise! From Kaitlyn's season and last season of Paradise. Jubilee has a crush on Jared but she's a little drunk. She's trying to play it cool and wait for him to come over to their group but... UH OH Sarah and Jared are going to chat! Oh snap.<br />
<br />
OH NO. Camera shots of alcohol not moving, birds moving their heads...and then footsteps. WHO IS IT?! Glasses falling off tables, birds freaking out...HE'S COMING! Tiger noises...camera moving in through grass, birds squawking more...the ocean....COMMERCIAL BREAK!<br />
<br />
More shots of animals being scared. Chad has arrived! A crab heading back into it's hole. Quick shots of a bunch of people's faces to pretend like they're afraid that Chad is here.<br />
<br />
Izzy is into Chad. Sarah is trying to pretend like Chad is maybe an ok human and Carly is sad about her thinking that. Lace is instantly into Chad, too. Aw, Chad apologized to Evan about things that happened on JoJo's season! How adult.<br />
<br />
And now Daniel and Chad are in loooooooove. Literally everyone can see it, including Carly and one of the twins. Chad thinks everyone is hot, which is the opposite of what Daniel thinks.<br />
<br />
Chad and Lace take a shot of alcohol. That's not white wine, Lace. You said you could only do white wine!<br />
<br />
Chris Harrison explains how Bachelor in Paradise works. Guys have the roses this week. The twins count as one person?! WHAT THE FU. Ugh.<br />
<br />
Nick finds a date card! Jubilee's name is on it. She asks....Jared. Which Emily is not happy about, because she wants to get to know him. Jared says yes!<br />
<br />
Sarah gives us the breakdown of what's happening in Paradise so far: Izzy and Vinny are hitting it off, and Lace and Grant seem to have something going. Lace asks Grant if he wants to take a shot with her, so they head up to the bar and she immediately starts in on him. "You don't ask questions about me, just so you know." So she leaves him...to chat up Chad. Daniel says that they're both the crazy ones, so maybe it's a match made in heaven. Or a match made in hell?! First kiss of Paradise is Chad and Lace!<br />
<br />
Commercial! Crab.<br />
<br />
Lace and Chad are alternating between fighting and making out. Daniel asks Chad if Lace is the love of his life, and then they go back to making out. Sexy. Nick compares them to rats because they make a lot of babies and then bite each others heads off? They're calling each other like dogs now. Seriously? What?<br />
<br />
Ugh there's still half an hour of this show not including commercials.<br />
<br />
Jared and Jubilee's date! They have a room full of pinatas that they get to hit! I'm really jealous, I love hitting things. Or wait, they're just sitting down. Do they not get to hit them? And now there's a creepy ass clown...Oh good. Now they're hitting the piñatas! Yay!<br />
<br />
Izzy and Vinny are totes dating now. Sexy. Second kiss, Izzy and Vinny! Nice hair change, Vinny. That definitely helped.<br />
<br />
Bachelor in Paradise literally has no idea which twin is which either. No wonder they're counting them as one person.<br />
<br />
Aaaaand now Chad and Lace have broken up. And an awkward silence covers the island. Chad is talking a bunch of shit to everyone and calling Lace a bitch. Sarah is stepping up and telling Chad what she thinks of him, and he's just a drunk monster. He tells her to keep sucking a dick. Where is security?<br />
<br />
First tears of Paradise go to Sarah because of how much a douche Chad is being. Ughhhhhh. And now Evan is following Chad trying to "talk" to him, but Chad looks like he's going to beat him up. Now Daniel is trying to talk some sense into Chad, as his only friend on the island, and Chad comes back with "you're being so un-murdery." Actual quote, folks. Chad says he just wants to make out, and Daniel says his chances of doing that are "slim to numb." Uh oh, now Chad is trying to fight Daniel. Daniel says he has no problem punching a friend if he has to.<br />
<br />
CRAB! Chad falls down, drunk, and goes to sleep. Crab on his head! Aaaaand literally 30 seconds of Chad snoring.<br />
<br />
Commercial!<br />
<br />
More crabs! And Daniel, doing weird work out things.<br />
<br />
Evan is wearing an extra necklace, and Chad has woken up naked.<br />
<br />
Chris Harrison! He calls them up into...the Rose Palapa.<br />
<br />
They're talking to Chad about how the things he said were awful - he told everyone on the staff of the hotel to suck a dick, called Sarah and Lace names, and was completely disrespectful of everyone. And how he has turned Paradise into Hell. Chris Harrison is kicking Chad out of Paradise!!!!! Chad doesn't understand that this is real. BYE CHAD. Or maybe not....<br />
<br />
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK PARADISE!!!!<br />
<br />your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-37229725040513248622016-07-29T11:14:00.000-07:002016-07-29T11:14:43.301-07:00What A MessThe aftermath of your party is still on my floor. The spot where I finally kicked off my heels is covered by my skirt. I'm not sure why that matters - it's not like that evidence would be there for anyone to see but me. If you suddenly changed your mind about things and ended up in my room, it would disappear. I'd put it away like I do with all the things that are out of place, remnants of anything amiss in my life.<br />
<br />
The boot that someone else pulled off.<br />
<br />
The torn corner of a blue wrapper after a risqué comment about a shower was made.<br />
<br />
A leaf that was given as a gift when it fell off a prop flower crown.<br />
<br />
Somehow even though none of them have anything to do with you, you're the one I can't get out of my head. And then I see my heels and my skirt and wonder why I had to take them off myself.<br />
<br />
I've gotten the fantasy into my brain that maybe you just don't remember how good we could be. So night after night I continue to convince myself that if I can just get the right snapchat pose that could hide the exhaustion from my face, and arch my back in just the right way, maybe you'll reconsider.<br />
<br />
And then, finally, perhaps I can pick the party pieces off my floor.your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-34188375042411270472016-06-27T08:30:00.000-07:002016-06-27T08:30:14.213-07:00So Many Things<br />
<div>
I can buy myself flowers. I can carry my own groceries. I can go see a show by myself. I can find my way home. I can hold my own door. I can hang my own pictures. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to dance with you. I want to make dinners with you, take you to parties and laugh with you. I want to wake up next to you with a stupid grin on my face thinking of whatever crazy shenanigans we had gotten into the night before. Snuggle up with you while we think of what the day will entail.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want you there to fight battles together. To be my partner in crime, to sneak into closed buildings for breathtaking city views. To be the backup for the riots we'll start. To make up outlandish suggestions for things that we would never do. To sing silly songs with while we make breakfast in a tiny kitchen. To laugh with when we go on a hike and my butt leaves a sweat mark when we stop to rest for too long. To send you things throughout the day just to let you know I'm thinking of you. To make stupid jokes with. To cry with when things in the news are awful. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't need you there. But I want you.</div>
your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-48688668714941765972016-06-23T08:30:00.000-07:002016-06-23T08:30:05.663-07:00Please Just StopDo you ever have that feeling where you just can't stop doing something? No matter how many times you tell yourself to stop, or don't do it, you still just keep doing it? I have that problem a lot.<br />
<br />
My biggest memory of this is from when I went on an Alternative Spring Break trip to Israel in college. I had met this really great guy (it's always because of a guy, isn't it?) and we had completely hit it off. We lived across the country from each other, but we had talked about how we had such a connection that it didn't matter. We even discussed the dates we were going to go on when I came to visit him. He had my same sense of humor and a similar personality - another participant on the trip joked that we would get married and have dry, sarcastic, Jewish babies and it would be great!<br />
<br />
Then, I got back from the trip and apparently went crazy. I texted him, emailed him, called him, and sent him a Facebook message without waiting for any sort of response. Sent him a few more messages...and then he finally responded. "I am overwhelmed by the amount of times and ways you have tried to contact me." Then something about how we should take a break from talking for awhile and how he wished me the best.<br />
<br />
I remember getting that e-mail and feeling absolutely crushed. I probably knew that what I was doing was too much, but I was so excited and wanted to share things with him that I thought he would like that I just couldn't stop myself.<br />
<br />
Well, I have the feeling I'm doing it again. There was someone that I was (finally) interested in, and it didn't work out. We decided we would be friends, but I have the feeling that I'm ruining it. Especially now, since there are so many more ways of contacting people - still the basic e-mail, Facebook, texting...but now there's also twitter, snapchat, and instagram. That's way too many ways to be contacted in one day. And I KNOW THAT. But I did it anyway.<br />
<br />
This post is probably too much even, but whatever. I'm hoping that by writing this I'll finally chill out. I printed out a picture a few months ago that I have taped to my computer screen which says "Please just stop," since this seems to happen to me a lot. Hopefully it'll help.your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-48821614596892716862016-01-04T23:59:00.000-08:002016-01-04T23:59:21.113-08:00Stuck in My Head<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">I try not to think about you.</span><br />
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
But then you're standing there, next to me, close enough to touch, and it's enough to make me go crazy. </div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
Your shirt puckers just the tiniest bit and I can see your chest, and all I can think about is ripping it off you. </div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
Feeling your skin against my skin. </div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
Who needs clothes?</div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
I want to stand facing you, looking at every inch of your body. And then touching every part of you. Running my hands over your shoulders, and down your back. Feeling your strong arms. Touching where your jeans usually are. Pulling your hips into mine...</div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
Moving onto the bed, or a couch, or hell, even the floor. Moving together, in a way that we haven't yet. Fitting together like Lego pieces that might have even been glued, never coming apart. In more ways than one. </div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
I tell myself not to think about you. </div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px;">
But I do. </div>
your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-327905234961557532015-12-07T15:33:00.001-08:002015-12-07T15:33:04.507-08:00Just Start Anywhere...I want to know what makes you tick. What buttons to push to get what reaction, what makes you smile. Why you are the way you are, and your whole history.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to know what moment you would recreate if you had the chance, what day you look back on as a turning point in your life, what middle of the night realizations you had when you were trying to get sleep.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to know what kind of family vacations you went on, what you did to keep yourself occupied, if your parents ever had to separate you and the kid sitting next to you. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to know if your mom ever forced you to be friends with someone you didn't want to just because they were in your class, planned a surprise party that was ruined by a kid who couldn't keep her mouth shut. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to know what you're allergic to, how you decided you didn't like the foods you do, and which ones take you back to a time and place you only barely remember. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to know where you want to visit, where you've been, your favorite places. Where you carved your name in the barely dry cement, where you got yelled at by a friends parent, where you were comforted after falling off your bike. If you had a bike. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to know what songs you turn to when you're sad, or lonely, or happy, or need to celebrate something. What you listen to when you're trying to escape reality.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to know who broke your heart first, and whose heart you broke. Who gave you your first kiss, who taught you what you liked the most, who you told you loved but really just kept around out of convenience. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to know where you would run if you had the chance to toss it all and start over. If you even would.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to know everything. I wonder if then that would be enough.</div>
your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-82122267753701793852015-11-30T22:06:00.000-08:002015-11-30T22:06:20.085-08:00We All Have Our Secrets<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">You'll never know the strange noises I make while driving. </span><br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How when I was younger I preferred my feet covered in socks over bare. How because of that, I fell on my hardwood floors and bruised my tailbone pretty badly. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I identify with the most random characters on tv shows. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I wanted to get highlights when I was in high school, that my hairstylist promised me I could have them for graduation but I never went back to her because I was scared. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I skinned my knee riding a scooter. How I fell off my bike riding down a hill. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I chose where I went to college based on someone I didn't want to date. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I watch a specific episode of Gilmore Girls when I'm feeling particularly lonely. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">How listening to a certain musical used to give me an insane amount of energy. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">How I felt comfortable being me until middle school, then found it again in high school. Barely. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I watch Love Actually in the summer, because I think it's funny to say "all I want for Christmas is you" when it's nowhere near the right season. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I had my first kiss at 12, but then again right before my 16th birthday. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How my shoulders were my favorite part of my body. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I feel sexiest when I'm wearing nothing but a fluffy robe and underwear, with the lights dimmed. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I used to not feel shy about singing, but now I am. How I wouldn't mind singing for you. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I was heartbroken after a boy broke up with me after 17 days in middle school. How I thought that same boy had screamed out "I love you" only the day before. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">How I had a marriage pact, but he backed out because I was getting too old. How my grandpa laughed and said he couldn't marry me anyway. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How my last boyfriend never said he loved me. How the boyfriend before that used saying I love you as a weapon. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I think that one of the scenes in Kissing Jessica Stein is one of the sexiest I've ever seen. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How creative I can get in the shower. And out. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Well, I guess you kind of do now. </div>
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your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-37310666242986695012015-11-23T17:03:00.000-08:002015-11-23T17:40:09.591-08:00Sure.I hate meditating.<br />
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When I try to concentrate on my thoughts, I just think how circular my life is. </div>
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Oh look, it's fall again. Or winter? Who can tell with this LA weather. But it's apple baking season, the season of love, the season of sharing gloves and stolen looks and gifts for those you care about. Giving thanks that amazing people are in your life.</div>
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While I really do have some absolutely incredible people in my life, I'm alone. Sure, I have friends and family who love me, but I don't have anyone to drape my legs over while I waste time watching tv. No one to hold hands with as I do the most mundane of tasks. Missing the distraction while I bake cookies, sharing the batter to make sure it'll taste ok as we both worry about salmonella. No one to tell all the weird things I think about all day, or hear what they've thought about.</div>
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And it's fine. It's not like I'm searching for my other half, someone to complete me like I'm not a full person by myself. I am a person all on my own, and an awesome one at that. But it's hard when everywhere I look I see happy couples, love, romance, rings, hugs, kisses, or WHATEVER just in my face. </div>
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On the other hand though...it's not like I can give my heart away. It's already on loan at the moment, and I can't quite figure out how to get it back, regardless of how hard I try. I'm sure it'll come back eventually...I'm sure that's how it works. </div>
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I'm sure....of nothing. </div>
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Probably eventually I'll find clarity, or I'll lower my standards, or I'll figure out some secret of the universe that'll cause me to chill out (more?) and then everything will be great. </div>
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But until then...give me all the Kit Kats.</div>
your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-14918088852054886122015-11-17T15:12:00.000-08:002015-11-17T15:12:14.464-08:00Tuesday Thoughts or WhateverI already finished a carton of eggnog this season and I really want to buy another one SO I MIGHT JUST DO THAT...Next week.<br />
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You ever have a weird talent that you can't really share? Like one time I unbuttoned a guys pants with my toes, but that isn't really something I can brag about. Mostly.<br />
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Dreams suck sometimes. Last night I had a dream that I begged a guy I had a crush on to come to my birthday. Like, really subconscious? Really? Also in my dreams last night I had to verify that my fitbit was mine. And then I woke up and actually synced my fitbit with my phone. And was very confused as to why I was doing it because I literally hadn't taken any steps at all yet.<br />
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How is it possible that my jeans are still turning my hands blue after I've washed them three times? Maybe I'm just magical.<br />
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MY BIRTHDAY IS THIS FREAKING WEEK. WHAT.<br />
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I always forget how much I like pears until I'm eating one.<br />
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If you put Steve Martin and Martin Short together you get Steve Martin Short. That could be a "before and after" puzzle on Wheel of Fortune.<br />
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****<br />
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My 28th year was kind of ridiculous in the amount of changes that were thrown my way slash that I facilitated. My grandpa got sick and peaced out. My mom was diagnosed with and beat leukemia. I quit a job that was causing me a crapton of stress and unhappiness. I had a roommate decide he didn't want to live in LA anymore and found a replacement roommate who ate all my ice cream and had to take action against that. I got another roommate who is totally awesome and causes me no stress! I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years in search of...a lot of different things. I passed up a job that could've been great and longterm but knew I wouldn't be happy there. I started a different job that introduced me to someone awesome. I learned that I'm not actually dead inside and that is both fantastic and not so great. I have a new best friend and reconnected with some other friends. I RAN A HALF MARATHON.<br />
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I dunno, man. For the most part, things are cool. I miss my grandpa, because he was the one who was always telling me to stick up for myself and I feel like maybe I've started doing that. I share an office with some pretty cool cats. I don't feel like an asshole all the time anymore...only half the time now. I get a free pizza for my birthday. Which is great, because I LOVE pizza.<br />
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So, 28, thanks for the laughs. I think I'm ready for 29 and the good times it'll bring. IT BETTER BE GOOD TIMES OR SOMEONE WILL HAVE SOME 'SPLAININ TO DO!<br />
<br />your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-12968744953495817272015-10-29T17:21:00.001-07:002015-10-30T09:28:07.019-07:00As If By Chance..."It's over."<br />
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She took a deep breath that went nowhere, like she had been punched in the gut. She knew this was coming, and yet it still caught her off guard.<br />
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It had been doomed from the start. She met him in a coffee shop downtown, after deciding to venture to an area she hadn't explored before. A free afternoon, why not?<br />
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He was sitting at one of those high tables, usually reserved for people writing their screenplays on their laptops. He only had a drink and his iPad, pretending to read but really observing those around him.<br />
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He wasn't waiting for her but she sat down anyway. It didn't take long for her to become smitten. They had a quick conversation, and then she got out of there. She had a habit of putting her foot in her mouth if she talked for too long.<br />
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"I think I met someone," she texted her roommate as she walked back to the subway. "Also, he's really cute."<br />
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***<br />
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It was never planned, yet somehow they kept running into each other. The ice cream truck. The parking lot. The cupcake truck. The elevator. They seemed to bond over their love of sweets, and their dry wit. Never having time for more than a short conversation, they had to get to know each other in bursts. Exchanging cute pleasantries. "Fancy meeting you here." "A pleasure running into you again."<br />
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Finally, on one day out by the longest line they had ever seen, she asked what he was doing that weekend.<br />
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"Laundry. And probably hanging out with my girlfriend on Sunday."<br />
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Oh. So. Oh.<br />
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***<br />
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She threw herself into the online dating scene. Meeting guy after guy, hoping that she'd find someone who would pique her interest as much as he had. Instead, she met guys who offered to give up their religion for her on their first date. Guys who offered to give her a ride to the airport without knowing her last name. Guys who said "I'll miss you," after their third date. Guys who said "my parents are in town this weekend, I'd love for you to meet them." She kept trying.<br />
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Another pizza date. He struggled to ask her about herself, instead telling story after story about himself and his friends that she didn't know, but she didn't care. She didn't have much to say. She was too busy thinking of him.<br />
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***<br />
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They continued to run into each other, eventually making plans to get lunch. They found out they were reading the same book. He was about to finish the book, it was taking her a little longer to get through it. She suggested some other books for him to check out that she thought he would like, not expecting him to look them up.<br />
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They met up for ice cream, and he told her he had started a book she suggested. Secretly pleased, they switched topics to television. Turns out they were watching the same show, again with him close to finishing, her a little behind. She took a chance and invited him to come watch the end with her. "I can do that."<br />
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***<br />
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They ordered pizza. Made cookies. Watched tv and movies. Drank whiskey. Talked about light things, foods they liked, places they went shopping, concerts they had gone to. What had inspired their first email addresses. Their siblings, their parents, where their next vacations were planned. Time passed easily.<br />
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As she walked him to the door, she wrestled with what to say. "I wish I was yours." "I know."<br />
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***<br />
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She again tried to distract herself. Went to a party. Went to a lot of parties. Went to a bar. Went somewhere far away. Rekindled a romance that had never fully played itself out, invited him to share her hotel room. It just gave her more clarity. She didn't want this. She wanted him. "I really like him. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it."<br />
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***<br />
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<b>(For an alternate ending, see below)</b><br />
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She threw herself into making plans with friends, spending time with family, working. Redecorating her apartment. Going to the gym. Anything to distract her. She tried to talk to him less. It didn't work, she knew it had to be all or nothing. She asked if they could meet up. They went to the coffee shop where they had first met. Came to an agreement. Decided it was better for both of them.<br />
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"Is there a way to un-meet someone?" she texted her roommate as she hopped back on the subway.<br />
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<b>THE END</b><br />
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<b>***ALTERNATE ENDING FOR HALLOWEEN***</b><br />
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She threw herself into making plans with friends, spending time with family, working. Redecorating her apartment. Going to the gym. Anything to distract her. She tried to talk to him less. It didn't work. So she worked out a way to get closer to him. Found out where he lived. Followed him on his weekly hikes. He didn't leave the apartment much, outside of working, so she sat in the bushes, just waiting for him to come out. Tried to look inconspicuous.<br />
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And then she found her opportunity. He ordered from the corner Thai place, just like he did every Tuesday. She managed to talk the Thai delivery guy into letting her deliver it - he was just a teen and couldn't have cared less. She took the food up to his apartment, and he was shocked to see her there. He invited her in, confused. "I was in the area, thought I'd stop by and see what you were up to." They sat for a little while, her watching him eat. She asked if he had plans that night. He hadn't. He seemed a little on edge. Or maybe her energy was rubbing off on him. She was almost electric, knowing what was coming. He asked if she was ok, offered her a glass of whiskey. She asked if she could get a glass of water from the kitchen. He pointed the way, and she went.<br />
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They continued having a mundane conversation, her asking about his apartment. She asked if she could see the fire escape. She had always been fascinated by these old buildings with fire escapes, and here was one up close. They went out and stood there, taking in the cool air that was finally here. "Summer sure did take it's sweet time, didn't it?" She leaned over the edge, breathing in. He was standing further away than she would've liked. "Come join me," she beckoned. He started leaning next to her, trying to imitate her body language. "You know, I never thought I'd get a chance to be here with you," she started. "I've imagined it at least a million times. My imagination doesn't even compare to the real thing." He leaned in, and whispered "I'm happy you're here." She did a quick giggle, completely out of character for her. "Sorry," she said. "Nerves." He didn't mind. They both stood up, trying to move closer to each other. But he stood up too quickly and lost his balance. He was holding on to the edge of the fire escape, and she couldn't believe her luck. She grabbed his hands, and quietly whispered, "I'm sorry. But if I can't have you, no one can." His hands were losing grip, and then all at once they completely slipped. His eyes widened as he fell to his death. She began to cry softly, mourning what would never be. And then, as if a stroke of genius hit her, she jumped over the edge too, so they could be together forever.<br />
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<b>THE END</b><br />
<br />your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-44755026423760883562015-09-01T15:05:00.004-07:002015-09-01T15:05:49.778-07:00COLD HARD FACTS - Bachelor in Paradise Week 4 Night 1What happened when we last left Paradise? I don't even remember. Joe and JJ were going to fight. Oh snap.<br />
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CAUTION: CRABS EVERYWHERE. They're so creepy. Look at their eyes. Girls scream. More crabs.</div>
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Chris Harrison reading his own book and Jorge the bartender!</div>
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Ok, back to real life. JJ is mad at Joe, and Jared's just like "dude. chill." Tenley comes to check out what's going on. We rehash what's been going on the last couple episodes about Joe and Sam and the deception of Juelia. "Hey Joseph. OR WHAT"</div>
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Crabs.</div>
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Joe is venting to Jorge. Joe reminds everyone about how Sam and Joe talked before the show.</div>
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JJ offers to give Juelia his rose and she says no. That's so nice! He's really trying to redeem his image. Good job, yo.</div>
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SNAKE!</div>
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Joe and Sam are talking about how everything with them was figured out before the show. Joe's worried that everyone keeps talking to him about it and just wants it to be over, and Sam's tells him he needs to relax and that she doesn't care what anybody else thinks. They're in looooooove. And it'll work out. PARADISE! Sam says not to worry about it. And then she kisses him but makes the "MWAH" sound and that sounds real fake. COOL. Joe's like "damn, I like you so much." Sam giggles. </div>
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Cocktail party! Kirk is wearing suspenders and that's super adorable.</div>
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Chris Harrison! Three women are going home tonight.</div>
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Joe and Samantha try to smooth over what's happening but they have contradictory stories and they're not telling the whole truth. Everyone can see through their lies! Juelia asks Joe if his plan was to come here and deceive her just to get to Sam, and Sam interrupts and is like "I think...I think..." And then Clare is like "STOP TALKING AND LET JUELIA FINISH." Clare is over your shit, Sam. "Supposably she's your friend so like...what's the deal?" Tanner's like "Can you guys just admit that you talked before you got here so we can all forget about this?" And Sam says "Nope. I'm not going to admit that because it didn't happen." COME ON ALREADY.</div>
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Tanner's like "I'm out dudes. I'm done with this convo." And then a bunch of other people follow. And then they go and continue the conversation, just in a different location. "I would love to admit that, but I only admit the truth. YOU DON'T KNOW ME" ok Sam, we get it. You're like the magical sitar from Moulin Rouge, only broken.</div>
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Ashley I and Jared go talk. She super wants him to kiss her. They sit there awkwardly, and I'm like "I totes know that feel bro." Ashley's like YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY WHY CAN'T WE MAKE OUT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVVVVVER. I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU" And he's like "ok fine I guess I can kiss you after you tell me you have a crush on me." He really had to psych himself up for the kiss. </div>
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Going into the rose ceremony, these are the people who are up in the air:</div>
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Clare</div>
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Juelia</div>
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Megan</div>
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Ashley S</div>
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Amber</div>
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JJ</div>
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Dan</div>
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Tenley goes to try and campaign for JJ to give his rose to Juelia. No one knows that he already offered it to her and she said no! Megan tells JJ that she had a great time on their date. JJ told Tenley that Megan doesn't seem like she wants to kiss him! OH NOES.</div>
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Juelia doesn't want a sympathy rose, so she goes to talk to Chris and tells him how she feels played by Joe. She said that if she had known what was going to happen with Joe, she would have given her rose to Mikey. She tells Chris that it would be GREAT if Mikey could come back so he could have another chance in Paradise, with her. Chris says that what she's asking is unprecedented. SO I GUESS WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!!!!</div>
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ROSE CEREMONY!!</div>
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Tenley says this could be one of the most dramatic rose ceremonies of Paradise, and we're all wondering why she stole Chris Harrison's line.</div>
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GUYS HAND OUT THE ROSES!</div>
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Joshua picks...Tenley. Who looks really pretty in a black and white dress!</div>
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Jared picks...Ashley I.</div>
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Kirk picks...Carly! DUH. SO CUTE.</div>
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Tanner picks...Jade.</div>
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JJ picks...Ashley S. Who is like "what? I'm not accepting that. No. Ok. No. Ok. Thank you." And then JJ gives a war hero speech because he's in love with someone at home! He talks about how he didn't think he could feel anything, how his insides were calcified, and his heart was frozen and cold. Ouch. That sucks. And he's outta here! JJ we love you! You're a hero! Good job! I hope she still likes him.</div>
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Joe picks...Samantha. Duh. Ugh.</div>
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Dan picks...a few minutes to talk to Carly. Chris comes and tells them it's time, so Dan picks.....Amber! He goes for love!</div>
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Bye Clare. Bye Megan. Bye Juelia. Wait! Hello...Mikey?! Mikey's back! And Juelia gets to stay! This place is crazy.</div>
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Joe sees Mikey and he just looks VERY worried. Montage of everyone else saying "I'm so glad you're back." Joe says in his interview "I think Juelia being back here is great." Producer says "Your face doesn't look happy." Joe says "My face never looks happy." RUH ROH. DRAMATIC MUSIC. Sam's like "I'm over it. Never dealt with this much drama in my entire life." Newsflash: you're the reason it's happening, Sam!</div>
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Everyone is like "ugh ok time to go to bed." And then a date card arrives! Tanner! Tanner and Jade are going on a date to Tequila! They then hack at an agave plant to help with making tequila! </div>
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Jorge tells Joe that Sam totally likes him because of the smile that she has on her face. We all vomit. Sam tells us that she's definitely still into Joe. And that she's here for him.</div>
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OH NO SOMEONE NEW IS HERE. It's Nick from Ashley's season. Chris gives him a date card! Nick says "love and drama down here?" And Chris says "drama, right that way!" Aw Chris, come on, there's SOME love down there. Just not surrounding Sam. Or Joe.</div>
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Nick introduces himself to everyone, then reads his date card. He asks Samantha! WHAT! Joe is freaking out. Nick and Samantha talk. Joe looks very very worried, and everyone is quite excited at the prospect of Sam dumping Joe just like he did to Juelia. But after they talk, Sam comes back and says that they are not going on the date. OH SNAP. Nick is shocked, because apparently they had ALSO talked before coming to Paradise, and she told him she'd say yes. He did ask for drama!</div>
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Mikey asks Nick why he wanted to go with Sam, and Nick tells Mikey that he and Sam had been talking for a few months, that they had seen each other when he came to LA, and they had just been in contact. WHAT. DRAMA. SAM. Why are you talking to everyone?! I mean, I guess that's fine. Do what you want. But don't lead everyone on! Mikey gives Nick the rundown of what all has happened with the Sam and Joe saga. So now Nick has to figure out what he's going to do!</div>
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Nick decides to ask Ashley S! She says yes. They're going to a private island! They can't go to the island because of a hurricane. So now Ashley and Nick are going to have to figure something else out!</div>
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Back to Jade and Tanner's date. They're drinking tequila. And now they get a card that says "Here's your fantasy suite! ENJOY SEXY TIME LOVE, CHRIS" So they head to the hotel!</div>
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Big crab thing! And a pelican! Or some other bird. YOU GUYS I STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED WHAT ANIMALS ARE.</div>
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Back to Nick and Ashley's date. Where they cheers at least six times. So much tequila! They're drunk. "It's five o'clock, I guess, all the time." says Ashley. And now they're getting a massage! Together but separate. Yeah, oil them bodies up. There's a bird in the tree and it starts talking to Ashley! The bird is telling her to put her hand on his bulge. Which they keep showing us. A lot. So now Ashley and Nick are making out! They're oily. And kissing. Now they're in a hot tub. Drinking more. Ashley and Nick are both super drunk. More kissing. Ashley falls down a little bit. Ashley comes up with a toast where she says "Cheers to the fact that I will always be here as a sister for you." WHAT. Nick is like, uh, that's weird because we kissed. Cheers to I like you, how about that? Ashley's like..."I wouldn't kiss a sister. I don't even have a sister." It's basically an amazing conversation and I'm sure everyone is so happy it's filmed so we can relive that glorious moment over and over. CHEERS.</div>
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Jade and Tanner and have a SERIOUS TALK about their future. Tanner is falling for Jade. He wants Jade to be his girlfriend! And she's like "what are you afraid I'm going to do to you?" Which is a valid question. He's worried that he's going to leave sad, but in love with her, and he doesn't know what's going to happen. First she doesn't say anything other than "I get it." Then after a little while, she opens up too! She reassures him that she's right there with him and she feels the same way. Yay! Another Kirk and Carly in the making! Super cute. And they're officially boyfriend and girlfriend. ANOTHER COUPLE. HURRAY. OK CAMERAS GET OUT OF THE ROOM SO THEY CAN MAKE SOME WHOOPIE.</div>
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BUTTERFLY!</div>
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Ashley and Nick are looking for water. They're a leeeeettle bit hungover, perhaps from all the tequila they drank? Who knows though.</div>
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Joe and Sam are hanging out on a lounge chair. Joe tells her that he might have something special planned for her. It's his birthday!! He thinks things are going well with her, so he decides to stir the pot and asks if there's anyone that she wants to go on a date with besides him. She says no, but is not quite convincing. Now he's questioning everything, asking her "why me?" Ughhhhh Joe. Now he's worried because there's something on her mind and he's like, just tell me! And she says "I've been honest with everything I've said." UGHHHHHHH. Sam goes upstairs to shower and do her hair, and Joe follows her up there. Like a puppy. Shoo, Joe. Sam says she's not sure what to make of everything with him being made out not to be a good person, and Joe's like "that's what I was afraid of! BUT YOU MADE ME DO THIS RAWWWWR HULK SMASH" Sam tries to tell him that everything is ok, and Joe's like "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if it is." Sam wears the pants in this relationship. Then Sam continues to do her hair, Joe goes away. I'm so sick of these two.</div>
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Joshua offers Joe a hug, and then dries himself off from the pool like he's a five year old. Boogie boogie. Joe talks to Amber about how he just overthinks things a lot and that's why he's single at 29. Yes Joe, THAT'S why you're single.</div>
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A commercial for Hershey's Kisses! I want one!</div>
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Waves crash! Crabs! That one was pretty. Purple and yellow.</div>
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Mikey asks Jared if he's over Kaitlyn, and Jared says no, not fully. UH OH. ASHLEY what are you going to do?! Sadness. Sounds like Jared and Ashley are going to have a serious talk. What a bummer. He tells Ashley that he wants her to experience paradise, and she's not interested in that. She's here for him. Then it starts raining. OH NO. REAL LIFE. Jared is so sweet. Ashley says "Don't you think your mind is just not here?" What? Ok. Sure. He's still into Kaitlyn! Finally, Ashley's just like "...please go away. I can't talk to you anymore. Since I'm crying. I can't talk and cry. Go." SADFACE.</div>
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Lots of Ashley crying. Ouch. Then somehow Ashley calls Kaitlyn? What?</div>
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THUNDER RUMBLES.</div>
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Joe sets up a birthday celebration for himself and Samantha. This is so sad. Then Joe asks if everything is ok, and Sam does that thing where it's like "oh this is so awkward for you, everything is over" but without saying anything. Then she starts talking and says that she's never had so many emotions in her life, and that he's a nice guy but there's too much drama so she's outtie 5000. (Or is it audi 5000? I just read a buzzfeed article about Clueless and now my whole life is turned upside down.) Even though it's HER fault that Joe looks so bad and there's all this drama. Anyway. They break up. And it's Joe's birthday. RIP RELATIONSHIP. Joe doesn't throw the cake. Oh well.</div>
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Sam tells the group that she and Joe broke up, and everyone is like "WELL THAT WAS QUICK." Whoops! Joe goes and talks to Joshua and tells him that he's totally going to take Sam down, because everything was her idea. HE HAS THE TEXT MESSAGES, GUYS. UH OH. He's going to show America what she did.</div>
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How will SAM ever live with herself after AMERICA knows?! How will the rest of the Bachelor in Paradise crew deal with it once they know about Sam's scheming and Joe's innocence?! FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE.</div>
your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-33740929016488233822015-08-24T17:58:00.002-07:002015-08-24T17:58:10.932-07:00JOE IS STILL THE WORST - Bachelor in Paradise Week 3 Night 2<br />
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CHRIS HARRISON CALLS JOE AN ASSHOLE IN THE OPENING!!! Awesome.</div>
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SNAKE.</div>
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Juelia, Jade, and Samantha sit down to have a conversation about how shady Joe is. Jade says that Joe didn't give Juelia the respect she deserves, and that they don't want Sam to get disrespected. Because that's what friends DO. They look out for each other and make sure the dudes they're with aren't dickbags. Juelia starts giving Samantha the rundown of what happened, and Samantha stops her midway through and says "wait, hold up. I think Joe should be here so he can defend himself." Which. What. No. I would trust my friend over some dude. Samantha, come on. Also, Samantha looks like she's on something in her interview. So she's probably cracked out.</div>
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"Everything is fine. Nothing's weird." - tales from a delusional sociopath's scheming girlfriend, Samantha</div>
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BIG LIZARD! It eats a plant.</div>
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Juelia talks to Clare and Ashley I about how Samantha took hearing about Joe. Juelia tells them and they're like "WHAT! GIRLFREEEEN'! She's trippin." Clare says "With friends like that, you don't need enemies" and now I'm wondering who gave Clare books?</div>
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Joe and Samantha are now talking about what Juelia said. Joe says that he only wanted to pursue Samantha, and now he's making out with her cheek? I don't get it.</div>
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Jared and Tanner talk about how Joe was a saint on Kaitlyn's season, and how he was the best, and now he's turned into Public Enemy Number One. Tanner tells Jared that they're both in on it, and Jared's like "yeah, that's how it looks." Tanner corrects him and says "NO! They ARE both in on it. I've seen the screenshots!" Tanner says that Sam sent Joe a text saying "Do whatever it takes to stay until I arrive." SO basically they're scamming the show. How did the producers not know about this beforehand? RATINGS. Tanner didn't want to intervene but was thinking that maybe Joe isn't a sociopath and had developed real feelings for Juelia buuuuut NOPE.</div>
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Jared and Tanner go tell Joe that he needs to tell everyone that he talked to Sam before the show and that they know he lied to Jared's face. Joe says "no, you asked if I had ever met her." Sure Joe. Whatever you need to tell yourself to make you believe your lies. Samantha then kicks everyone out, and tells Joe what she said in her interview, and now what he should say in the interview when they ask him about talking to her to make sure they've got their stories straight. He's like "I already answered their questions, so...." and she's like DAMMIT JOE YOU'RE AN IDIOT. These guys are real on top of their intelligent game, they're totally going to win Paradise. OH WAIT. And Samantha shuts the door on the camera guy.</div>
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Dan and Ashley broke up, which is very sad. </div>
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AMBER shows up! She was from Chris's season. She's here to meet Dan! Ashley S is super excited to see Amber, and she says that seeing Amber "lit her face up." Amber comes in with a date card (of course), and she asks Dan. Dan says that he wants to go, but he wants to talk to her first. Ashley S comes into her interview and is really sad, but then smiles. She loves Amber! But she's sad! Because she loves Dan! Love triangle even though Dan and Ashley broke up? Maybe not. I don't know shapes.</div>
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Dan tells Amber that he and Ashley S were together but they kind of broke up, so he wants to talk to Ashley before he says yes. He then pulls Ashley aside, and she is not happy about it. She's bummed because he's been avoiding her all day, instead of coming to talk to her and saying that he wasn't interested anymore. But he's NOT not interested, he's just trying to figure out his feelings! And now Amber is here, and he's going to try that out with her. PARADISE! Sexy times?</div>
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They're reminding us of the couples in the house now:</div>
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Jade and Tanner</div>
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Kirk and Carly</div>
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Tenley and Joshua</div>
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Ashley I and Jared, I guess. Ashley says "you look really hot right now, so I'm going to run away." That's life guys!</div>
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JJ and Megan are on their date! Megan asks JJ if this is the first time he's been to Mexico. He says that he's been to Cabo for spring break. And then he asks if Megan has been to Mexico, and she says no, and then he's like "Oh wait, you went to Albuquerque that one time!" And she laughs and doesn't understand that he's making fun of her. (On Chris's season she thought New Mexico was part of Mexico. "I've never left the country before!" or something like that. BRAINS) They jump in the ocean and she says "This is the quickest I've ever been wet on a first date." HEY-O. JJ says that he enjoys her beautiful blue eyes, and her other assets. Camera zooms to her boobs. Thanks for helping us out with that one, we weren't sure what he was talking about.</div>
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DOLPHINS!</div>
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Dan and Amber leave on their date! Juelia and Ashley S cuddle. Ashley cries. Joe and Samantha are sitting on the floor like Ashley I did when she peed in the ocean. Gross. Ashley S and Juelia are in love. Friends. Ashley goes to play with the birds! And she flirts with them. Cute. Everyone is worried about her because she's brought back her crazy. That's what happens when you break up. Or is it?</div>
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Amber and Dan are on their date. Creepy strangers follow them and say "KISS! KISS! KISS!" So they do. And then the strangers yell "AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!" So they do. Again. Fireworks! Literally, in the sky. And in the air? They get to dinner. Dan tells Amber that there was something between him and Ashley and there wasn't something that he could see with her outside of Paradise. Then Dan and Amber kiss again. Then Dan says "I don't know what kind of future we have, buuuuuuuut we're having fun!"</div>
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Tanner is getting real serious about the fact that Joe lied straight to Jared's face about talking to Samantha before Paradise. Tanner and Jared are filling JJ in after his date with Megan so he can get up to date on all the DRAMA! Because what is Paradise if someone is left out from everything? JJ calls him the Vil of the Vils. OH SNAP. When JJ thinks you've done something wrong...it's like...ouch. JJ thinks Joe should give away his rose to someone who deserves to stay and that Joe and Sam should just run away to a hotel somewhere. DO IT. GET OUT OF MY FACE HOLES.</div>
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JJ goes to confront Joe, and Joe is like STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT THIS SHIT. Joe says "that's between myself and whoever decides me." JJ looks understandably confused because Joe, what the heck did you just say? JJ asks if he was here for one person, and Joe says "No, I was just here for Samantha." And again everyone is confused. Now Joe is justifying his terrible treatment of Juelia. UGH. JOE. </div>
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Joe then insults JJ. Jared reminds Joe that he had lied straight to his face. Joe is like "whatEVER guys. Leave me alone! UGH." Joe and JJ get into semantics about what he said. JJ compares Joe to his little brother and the shit that he pulls. Joe compares JJ to his sister and says she's way more intelligent than he is. JJ calls Joe a circular reference and YES WE GET IT LET'S MOVE ON SOMEONE JUST PLEASE PUNCH JOE ALREADY. Joe tries to say that what he did is the same as what Jared did and it's like HOW DARE YOU. Jared is a good guy, not a scumbag like YOU.</div>
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Jared asks the question we've all been wondering: "What planet am I on, where I would have came into paradise thinking I like JJ better than Joe right now?" Sounds like we all need therapy.</div>
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Joe and JJ get in each other's faces! DRAMATIC MUSIC! OH NO. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Nope. Joe walks away. Dammit. JJ, you were so close. JJ yells from Joe to come back so they can duke it out like real men. Joe just looks dumb. JJ says he wants to make Joe look like the hillbilly he is and give him four missing teeth. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!!!!!!!????</div>
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TO BE CONTINUED! </div>
your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-47427521641765627742015-08-19T15:35:00.001-07:002015-08-19T15:35:27.453-07:00What Does a Red Flag Look Like? BACHELOR IN PARADISE Week 3 Night 1OH NO GUYS. WHAT'S HAPPENING.<br />
<br />
When we last left off...<br />
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We were in the middle of a rose ceremony. Clare ran away because waaaaaaahhhhhh nobody is looking for love!<br />
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OH MY GOSH WE'RE GOING TO MEET JORGE THE BARTENDER THIS EPISODE. That's like the most exciting news I've had in weeks. Also Chris is still reading his own book.<br />
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Chris Harrison goes after Clare to see why she's crying. She needs to pull it together! The girls have the roses, so she can just choose whoever! Chris tells her she's only been here a week and she hasn't given love a chance. Good job Chris! Tell her to get her ass back in here so she can give her rose to a dude so they can stay. "Clare wasn't feeling well for a minute." Sure.<br />
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And now back to the rose ceremony! Before we left, Jade picked Tanner, Carly picked Kirk, Ashley S picked Dan, Tenley picked Joshua.<br />
And now:<br />
Ashley I picks...Jared!<br />
Clare picks...JJ! Because she has no chemistry with Mikey and he still hasn't figured it out.<br />
Juelia picks...Joe. And we all yell at our screens like we're watching a horror movie, BECAUSE WE ARE. Bye Jonathan, bye Mikey, bye Michael G. We'll miss you.<br />
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Juelia is feeling excited and hopeful about Joe. She's already feeling like if they end up together she would be totally ok with moving. Juelia! You're moving way too fast! Joe is looking forward to when Samantha will arrive.<br />
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OH NO ANOTHER BIG ASS LIZARD.<br />
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And now...Samantha has gotten here. Chris says no one remembers her. OH WELL. She's planning on making herself known in Paradise. She also says she's looking for a good guy. So how does Joe fit in?<br />
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Juelia is really excited to see Samantha because they were friends on Chris's season. Samantha obviously comes down with a date card. "Do I pick now or...?" Tenley asks if she has an idea of who she wants and she immediately says "I'm going to pick YOU" to Joe. He gets this stupid look on his face like "THE SCHEME IS WORKING." Samantha asks if she can talk to Joe, and they go walk away so she can ask him on a date for a second time? Didn't she already ask him? Just now? Seriously, for this being the second time around on a dating show for both of them, they suck. Although I guess Samantha didn't get very far so she doesn't really know how it works...<br />
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Juelia isn't sure why Samantha picked Joe right off the bat. Samantha asks Joe if he's gone on any dates or made any connections and he said he went on a date with Juelia but no real connection. BOO. Juelia tells Carly that she can't even compete with Samantha because she's a perfect specimen, and Carly reminds her that it's not about that, it's about the connection. THE CONNECTION.<br />
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Back at the dining room table, Jared calls Joe a dog because he said yes to the date. Jared asks if Joe talked to Sam before the show started, and Joe says no. Joe's like "WHY, you think I couldn't have gotten a date just because she got here and decided she liked me?" Yeah, basically, you super gross dude. Jared backtracks and says that he just heard that, that's why. Tanner says "I hope he doesn't hurt Juelia." Jared says "Have fun! She's a beautiful girl. OH ALSO YOU SHOULD TALK TO JUELIA BEFORE YOU GO." Everyone stares Joe down because he is totally not going to do that. Joe and Sam walk up to the group holding hands, and everyone is just like "THAT IS SO MESSED UP." Joe didn't talk to Juelia before he left, like the gross asshole that he is. I get that this is what Paradise is about, seeing what's out there, but like, if you get asked on a date right after you've been hanging out with someone else, the DECENT thing to do is to go talk to the person you went on a date with before. UGH. I HATE JOE.<br />
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Juelia says that Joe seems very comfortable holding Sam's hand after they just met 15 minutes ago. Samantha laughs as they walk away to their date. UGH.<br />
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I've never welcomed a commercial break more. Gimme those ads!<br />
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And now Joe and Sam are taking sexy pictures. They're getting into really sexy poses and it's making me feel sick. The pictures look pretty good but I hate them. So I don't want to talk about them anymore. EW THEY KISS AND IT'S SO GROSS.<br />
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Juelia is thinking about how Joe was campaigning last night before the rose ceremony where he was defending his honor, and how she had to fight through that and trust him. She thinks that she should tell Samantha about their history so that Sam can make an informed decision about Joe. If I was Sam and my friend came to me and told me how the guy I was dating (let's use that term loosely here) played me, I would NOT be interested in that guy anymore. But who knows, Joe is manipulative enough that maybe Sam won't care! I guess we'll find out when they get back from their super gross date. This intercutting of Juelia crying and Sam laughing is heartbreaking though. I feel so bad for Juelia!<br />
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Joe and Sam get back from their date holding hands and she's holding flowers. And then he asks Jared if he wants a shrimp quesadilla. Because that is very relevant to this world. Now they're describing their date, and the difference between Joe describing his date with Sam and describing his date with Juelia is like night and day. He's not even being respectful of Juelia right now and it's really rude. Juelia leaves the table. Good job, lady.<br />
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Jared tells Joe again that he needs to talk to Juelia. Juelia doesn't want it to be awkward. Jared tells Joe that he knows that Joe didn't use Juelia for the rose. Joe smirks and Jared's like SHUT UP NO YOU DI'INT and Joe steals JJ's line that he's just trying to Vil. Jared tells him that that isn't what he's doing and he NEEDs to go talk to her. Then Joshua tells Joe he needs to talk to her. So finally after a long time he's like UGH FINE. He goes to talk to Juelia and they settle nothing. Joe doesn't even look in the same direction as Juelia, and he's clearly wasted. "OK GOOD TALK, K BYE"<br />
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Clare goes to make a phone call home, and gets her buddy the raccoon! You guys he's so cute. He's telling her all about everything that's happening, and she's super into it. And she's telling him, too. Crabs! Not a euphemism because she's not getting any. And then he hangs up on her. Because he's a raccoon and they don't know how to say bye.<br />
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Carly and Jade are talking about how there's super sexual chemistry between Carly and Kirk. And she wants to GET. IT. ON. Kirk is super cute. #sorrykirksmom. Carly wants to know what Kirk is waiting for in terms of hooking up...I think maybe she forgot there are cameras everywhere? DATE CARD! Joshua is taking forever to read it, even Jorge the Bartender wants to know what it says! And it's for CARLY! She instantly attacks Kirk. YAY. Choose a man to light your fire! "He already did."<br />
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Ashley S talks to Jorge the bartender about Dan! Jorge thinks Dan is a good guy. Then Juelia joins in the conversation about how good of a guy Dan is. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO? I can't take the suspense. Aaaaand now Jade is talking to Dan about how taxing "out of character" moments are. So she became a human and now he's not interested? Ok. Sure. But at least he's going to talk to her and figure it out. Is another girl going to come in for Dan to talk to? Probably. PARADISE.<br />
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Chris Harrison is waiting for someone to come down the stairs. Megan! From Chris's season. She thought that New Mexico was a different country. I guess her suitcase was lost so she's wandering around Mexico trying to buy new clothes. And instead of putting them in a bag she's wearing all of them at once.<br />
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Kirk and Carly's date! They have a nice, romantic dinner. She points out fires! Get it? Fires? And today is her brother's wedding so she thinks there is a special significance there. "My brother is getting married and this is my first real date with Kirk, so it's like we're both starting our romantic journey at the same time!" Almost, but not quite. I hope she really finds love here though, otherwise...missing your brother's wedding? That sucks. They start having a serious conversation about their big picture, and more of what they're looking for. Kirk talks about how it takes a long time for him to admit he's in a relationship, and Carly comments on how this was more like a rocket. Which it was, they've been together since night one! Adorbs, though. Kirk tells us he might be uneasy with this relationship and he has to figure out if it's right. BUT THEY'RE SO CUTE.<br />
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Ashley S and Dan go to have a chat. Ashley tells him that she feels like they have a really good connection and that they had an advantage because they went to the hospital. That's kiiiind of true, since they had a bunch of hours to really hang out without the cameras. Dan talks about how Paradise is so intense and that it brings out a lot of things, both good and bad, in everyone. Dan tells Ashley that he's been thinking about what he really wants, and whether their personalities mesh up, and Ashley looks shocked. She tells him that she's only here for him, and if he doesn't want her then basically why should she stick around? She isn't looking for anyone else. Which is pretty smart, if you have a connection with someone that you think is going really well, and then all of a sudden you don't anymore, would you even be ready to meet someone else in the next day or two? Like, yes, this is Paradise and not real life, but still. They're not robots. (Except for Joe.)<br />
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Carly tells Kirk how today has been hard for her because her brother is getting married today in Ireland. IRELAND! Dang. (Her brother was on Desiree's season too.) Carly calls her brother in Ireland to tell him about the one on one date. After that call, Kirk decides he's all in, so Kirk and Carly go to the hotel and order a fantasy suite! SEXY TIMES. "We'd like one fantasy suite, please!" FIREWORKS. BYE CAMERAS! SEE YA!<br />
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CRAB!<br />
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Megan finally found her way to Paradise! She offers Chris her "sobrero," where he immediately tells her that she's not pronouncing it right. Chris don't got time for your shit, Megs. Megan then says "ALOHA MEXICO!" She gets a date card. During her interview she gets distracted by a crab, that she just stares at. "I see it's eyes!" AND THEN IT GETS EATEN BY ANOTHER CRAB. OMG. WHAT.<br />
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She takes her date card and tries to read it. "Choose a man, and get lista for your first cita." She tries to decipher it, and determines that lista means first and cita means date. At least she's pretty.<br />
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Dan decides that he's going to try and go for Megan. Because going from crazy to lower intelligence seems like a good plan, I guess? Megan is interested in Dan and JJ, so she has to decide who she'll take on the date.<br />
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ANOTHER CRAB. ROOSTER CROWS.<br />
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Carly and Kirk are awake! They definitely lit each other's fire. HEY-O. SEXY TIMES. He says she's like a pinball machine. What?<br />
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Megan has made her decision for who she's going to take. She has decided that she's not going to go for another douchebag, because every other relationship she's been in she's been cheated on and lied to. So she picks....JJ! The only guy who has OPENLY ADMITTED to CHEATING on his ex-wife. Good going, Megan. She wakes him up from a dead sleep to ask if he'll go. Dan is bummed that Megan chose JJ. Oh well. Ashley is happy that she didn't. DRAMA.<br />
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Ugh more Joe and Samantha. She looks like Ursula (from Little Mermaid) when she's in her human form. Gross. Lots of filming of them making out in the hot tub. Intercut with Juelia crying and feeling sad because Joe just completely played her. Such a dick. And her talking to her daughter saying she misses her. And now Samantha is giving him a handy in the jacuzzi! GROSSSSSSSSSSSSS PLEASE DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE GO IN THERE. Chlorine is sterilizing but still, EW. OH NO THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE OTHER POOL RIGHT NOW GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS I HATE JOE<br />
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This is the worst.<br />
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Dan says he wants to beat the shit out of Joe. AGREED. Everyone is asking Joe if he and Samantha had talked to each other before this. Now he's changing his story and saying that they had. Jared is now confronting Joe and saying that everyone feels bad for Juelia and they all feel like Joe played Juelia. This is getting repetitive. Everyone is saying that Joe played Juelia, Joe is denying it, but it's obviously true.<br />
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Dan offers to bring Joe over to Juelia so that they can have a conversation about how Joe played Juelia. Joe doesn't want to go over and talk to Juelia. He feels like he already talked this whole thing to death and that it's over. Everyone should mind their own business. MAYBE THEY WOULD, JOE, IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A DICK AND YOU HADN'T PLAYED THE NICEST PERSON IN THE HOUSE. Finally, Dan gets Joe to go with him, where Juelia tells him how she feels and how his actions were less than genuine. She also says that Mikey and Jonathan specifically told her that he was waiting for Samantha, and Joe cuts her off and says that her conversations didn't happen. COME ON. It's like having a conversation with a sociopath. You can't get straight answers out of him because he's not a good person. UGH. Finally Juelia says the conversation is over, and decides that she's going to tell Samantha everything that has happened so she can make a judgement. Joe gets very nervous and can't finish a sentence because he's so worried!<br />
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Juelia, Jade, and Samantha get up to go talk! Joe is worried that he's going to lose the best girl he's ever had! Uh oh! DRAMA!<br />
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OH NO IT CONTINUES TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111oneoneone<br />
<br />your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-44372782274985918762015-08-13T13:54:00.000-07:002015-08-13T14:08:19.833-07:00UH OH SPAGHETTI-O: BACHELOR IN PARADISE, week 2 episode 2So when we last left our heroes...<br />
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Juelia was falling for Joe, making Jonathan sad. Jared asked Clare on his date, breaking Mikey and Ashley I's hearts. Lauren (who?) left. Jade and Tanner are together and adorable, Kirk and Carly are together and adorable, Dan and Ashley S are together and adorable. Tenley is getting her freak on with JJ and Joshua. I think that's everyone. Chris Harrison is STILL reading his own book.<br />
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We open with Mikey farting. Lovely.<br />
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Mikey thinks that Clare was deceiving him by saying that she wanted to keep things open. He took it as her saying she wanted to take things slow and play it cool. Mikey, dude, are you listening to yourself? You obviously got it but didn't get it...So Mikey is realizing that two guys are going to have to go home this week, so he calls out to Ashley S. Dan gives him a look like "Uh, what are you doing?"<br />
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Birds in the water!<br />
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Jared and Clare's date! Clare thinks that Jared looks like superman. Seriously? Everyone is delusional with who they think Jared looks like. And now they're going to go bungee jumping! Take a leap of faith!<br />
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Parrots nuzzling! So cute!<br />
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Ashley I pees in the water again. Because she's still six.<br />
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Back to Jared and Clare about to go bungee jumping. NO FALLS NO BALLS! That's a literal sign they have up there. Amazing. Clare is nervous about bungee jumping, so she asks if they can just stop for a second. Jared's like "it's cool baby, don't be nervous, I'm here" and then kisses her with his eyes kind of open. That will totally calm her nerves! "You're ready. You got this. You're good. We're going to do this and it's going to be great." They jump! And Clare screams in Jared's ear for approximately twenty minutes. Clare says her body was shaking. That sounds gross. Clare's in looooove.<br />
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Kirk, Dan, Mikey, and Ashley are watching Juelia and Joe on the beach, and they're noticing his body language towards her is just very standoffish, and that he's avoiding her. Joe is waiting for another girl to show up, Samantha from Chris's season. Joe asks what kind of guy Samantha is into, and Jade tells him she's into pretty boys, like models. Joshua tells him not to sell himself short, he could be a model. To that I say: Excuse me while I vomit. Mikey doesn't think Joe is genuine, catching on to what we at home are seeing. Good job, Mikey!<br />
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SNAKE! No, literally, it's a snake. I wasn't giving Joe a nickname.<br />
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Clare is telling Carly and Juelia about her date, and how good it was. Ashley I can hear them talking, and (*GASP*) starts crying because she doesn't want to hear about their date. And how they kissed. Ashley cries some more, then cries a bit because she doesn't want to mess her makeup up. A crab curls up into itself, making us wish we could do the same.<br />
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Tenley is now in a love triangle with JJ and Joshua. A crab runs away! Michael G from Desiree's season is here! And he's here for Tenley! "Her name is Tenley, but to me she's and Eleven-ly" hahahahaha WHAT.<br />
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Michael G comes with a date card. He reads it, then translates the two words that are in Español. Everyone is thoroughly impressed with him being able to translate it, and I weep with despair for the world. Also, Joshua is SUPER sunburnt.<br />
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Michael G asks Tenley to go on his one on one date! Joshua wishes diarrhea on Michael because everyone here is a grownup.<br />
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Mikey takes Juelia for a walk. He's trying to convince her that he could be a good person for Juelia. Juelia says she just wants everyone to end up together and be happy, then says "ok, we're done with this talk now." They walk back over to the group, but on their way Mikey's like "why don't you just kiss me?" And goes in. Juelia's like "What? No. Mikey. Come on." Good for her for not giving in. But boo on Juelia for focusing on Joe. He's so gross.<br />
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Michael G and Tenley are eating at a table where they have to WALK ON WATER to get there! That's so cute. Tenley asks Michael G how he knew he wanted to take her on a date. He starts out with "obviously because you're strikingly beautiful, but then I saw how you're always smiling and you always seem so positive, and you have such good energy" and that's how I know I'm going to be alone forever. FOREVER ALOOOONE. Sorry, back to the recap.<br />
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They get up from the table and they go for a short walk and kiss! And then they walk back to the table. "Well that was a nice walk."<br />
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Jared is drunk, and so he brings up the fact that Clare is eight years older than him. But then he says that you need that spark and those butterflies. Clare is bummed. She says they had a good time on their date but there's no future there because he brought up the whole age thing. RUDE.<br />
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And now a hundred person mariachi band is playing for Tenley and Michael G's date! On water! They're all Jesus. This is amazing. Tenley's in trouble with this rose ceremony tomorrow, because she's got THREE dudes. Sassy!<br />
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Cocktail party!<br />
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Chris Harrison shows up! How weird, he's not holding his book. He asks the crew how they feel going into the rose ceremony. Joe responds saying that he's never overconfident so going into the rose ceremony is still intimidating and Juelia responds with "I think Joe knows he's getting my rose." Everybody vomits because he's SO GROSS. UGH. Ashley S is confused. She thinks Joe sucks too, and that Juelia is being played right now. (Question: Why isn't SHE saying anything to Juelia?)<br />
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Jonathan pulls Juelia away asking if she's 100 percent sure that Joe is getting her rose, and asks if Juelia thinks that Joe feels the same way about her that she feels about him. She thinks for a minute, then says "I think so." Jonathan says he doesn't think that Joe is here for the right reasons. She doesn't really believe him because she knows that Jonathan is on the chopping block and doesn't want to go home, but she also hopes that Jonathan isn't going to manipulate the situation. JOE IS GROSS. VOTE NO ON PROP JOE. Mikey pulls Juelia away again and agrees with Jonathan about how Joe is not here for her. Mikey makes a good point, to take into consideration how Joe has been treating her since their one on one. But these guys should NOT be telling her this! She knows they have an ulterior motive of not having to leave. Carly or Ashley S should be saying something to Juelia! Where's the womanly solidarity, guys?! Ugh.<br />
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SNAKE!<br />
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Juelia tells Joe that Jonathan and Mikey don't feel like Joe is being genuine with her, and he just brushes it off. He makes some comment about how after coming back from their "really romantic" one on one date, he didn't want to be smothering her. Uh, you just completely ignored her, dude. Sure, not smothering her, but AVOIDING her is not convincing. And then UGH he kisses her super disgustingly and says "What are my intentions now?" And seriously I'm single handedly making the California drought worse by taking fifty billion showers RIGHT NOW.<br />
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THUNDER RUMBLES. SNAKES.<br />
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Joe talks to a producer and tells them that he wants to basically punch Jonathan so many times that his brains come out of his ears. Joe is the worst. MORE SNAKES. Mikey tries to talk to Joe about how he's just politicking to get Juelia's rose, and Joe just turns around and says "Uh, no, that's you." Mikey tries to get Joe to confess that he's not being real by asking Joe to look Mikey in the eyes and tell him that he's really here for Juelia and he likes her. Joe responds with "yes, I like the girl." That's not specific! That's like me saying "I'm going to walk until I get to that driveway." THERE ARE LITERALLY MILLIONS OF DRIVEWAYS I COULD BE TALKING ABOUT. Joe. You are sleazy. Joe just manipulates the shit out of Mikey! This is hard to watch. And now he says he's going to do the same thing to Jonathan. GREAT.<br />
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Ugh, this is really hard to watch too. Jonathan is actually apologizing to Joe. He says that he got caught up in the game that you have to play in this situation, and that he did it in a messed up way. That he is here to find love and that he's sorry. UGH JONATHAN STOP IT. You and Juelia had a friendship, but at least it was more of a legit connection than Juelia and JOE. And now Joe is going to make Jonathan walk back up and tell Juelia exactly what he told Joe IN FRONT OF JOE. UGH. SO GROSS. So now Jonathan is telling Juelia what he told Joe, and he's crying! And Joe is like "yeah, let's hug it out. I appreciate you making this right." And Juelia just thinks that Joe is genuine and honest, and Joe is just sitting there smiling with this gross, smug smile on his face because he pulled the wool over everyone's eyes.<br />
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IF I DON'T GET A ROSE TONIGHT, I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I TRULY MISSED OUT ON AN OPPORTUNITY TO MEET SAMANTHA. UGH JOE YOU ARE IN THE TOP THOUSAND OF THE MOST GROSS HUMAN BEINGS ON THE PLANET.<br />
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Now Jonathan is crying in the bathroom, and Joe is checking on him to rub his nose in the shit a little bit more. So rude. Just leave him alone! Ugh, and now he's bringing Jonathan's SON into this! STOP! GET OUT. GO AWAY.<br />
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Tenley is trying to figure out who she wants. Mikey G knows that she is who he's here for, and she is kind of intimidated by that. JJ is "everybody's favorite person" (what?), but she has the most chemistry with Joshua. She's not sure who she'll pick!<br />
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Jared comes to sit with Ashley I and they talk for a second and then Jared just kisses her! CUTE! And then she ruins it and says "You do that just as well as you do with Kaitlyn" AND EVERYBODY GAGS. She says "I was waiting for it long enough! But it was worth the wait."<br />
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Clare is sad that she doesn't have someone. So she makes a weird speech about how she's not campaigning and how people last year were there looking for love, and people this year they aren't. So weird. There are COUPLES. They're looking for love too? I don't get it.<br />
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Rose ceremony!<br />
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Jade tells Clare that she doesn't appreciate the speech that Clare made. And now I feel like both Jade and Clare have wasted our time talking about how people are or are not looking for love. BUT OH WELL.<br />
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Ok, rose ceremony for real now.<br />
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Couples going in:<br />
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Carly and Kirk<br />
Jade and Tanner<br />
Ashley S and Dan<br />
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Everybody else:<br />
Clare<br />
Mikey<br />
Juelia<br />
Joe<br />
Tenley<br />
Michael G<br />
Joshua<br />
JJ<br />
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Carly picks...Kirk. Duh. Oh my gosh he's wearing a bow tie and they are SO CUTE!<br />
Ashley picks...Dan.<br />
Jade picks...Tanner. Aw she looks so happy.<br />
Tenley picks...JOSHUA! JJ looks bummed and so does Michael G.<br />
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Clare........starts crying and runs away. WHAT'S HAPPENING?!<br />
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She's talking about maybe leaving...<br />
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BUT LIKE ALSO WHY DIDN'T ANY OF THE GIRLS TELL JUELIA THAT JOE IS GROSS?!<br />
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TO BE CONTINUED?! OH NO!!!<br />
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See you next week!!!your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-76484905889688816362015-08-12T11:57:00.000-07:002015-08-12T11:57:18.887-07:00Oooh eeh ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang! BIP episode 2A!Last time on Bachelor in Paradise...<br />
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Carly and Kirk are together. Jade and Tanner are together. Tenley and JJ are together? Ashley I is in love with Jared, Lauren's like "whatever", Clare thinks Jared's cute but Mikey wants her. Ashley S and Dan are together and super cute. Jonathan and Juelia are hanging out. And Chris Harrison continues to read his own book.<br />
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AND NOW!<br />
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Everyone is celebrating after the rose ceremony. Tenley makes the usual post-rose ceremony speech.<br />
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Peacock!<br />
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Lauren (Ashley I's sister) is still not having a good time. She's just waiting for Joshua from Kaitlyn's season to show up. But he hasn't yet, so she's just throwing a tantrum until he gets here. Because that's how 24 year olds act these days. I WANT IT NOW. "This is actually hell, not paradise. I'm around PEOPLE 24/7! I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!" She threatens to leave. And cries. This is SO unexpected, Lauren NEVER cries!<br />
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Carly is worried about bugs. And crabs. Crabs that might be able to fly. CRAB PARTY! They're dancing! (The crabs, not the people. Who cares about the people?)<br />
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Dan asks Ashley S if she would pee on him if a jellyfish stung him. She says she'd pee in a cup. TRUE LOVE YOU GUYS. TRUE LOVE.<br />
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JJ and Tenley seem to have something going on, and JJ asks the question that we're all wondering: "Why the hell does she like me?"<br />
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Mikey shows up and tells Clare that he washed his hair for her. But he still has his little baby ponytail! And he keeps flirting and complimenting her, and she's just like "dude. Come on."<br />
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Lauren tells everyone that she has someone that she's super into, and she's SO in love with him that she can't do anything. SO WHY DID SHE LET ASHLEY CONVINCE HER TO COME TO PARADISE. Oh wait. Hold on a second. She's a mistress. But he's not married? So? What? She's dating someone who has a girlfriend. So her new name is "Lauren the Mistress." Good job.<br />
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Dan says "It's always the crazy ones." Ashley S responds "I would know!" We all laugh.<br />
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And now Lauren is freaking out because she's worried that her non-boyfriend is going to be mad at her because she left. Ashley tells her she needs to think about this logically. WHAT. Let me repeat that: ASHLEY tells LAUREN that she needs to think about this LOGICALLY. My mind is blown. Lauren then blows her nose for like 10 minutes and we're all questioning our life choices. (No? Just me?) Ashley tells Lauren to wait for Joshua to arrive and then she can go home if things don't work out with him.<br />
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Joshua from Kaitlyn's season arrives! Hurray! Maybe Lauren will stay! Tenley is instantly smitten. Juelia says he's a welder, so there may be sparks flying in the near future. Look at her and her puns! High five. JJ brings up that they don't like each other and that he thinks Joshua is a little rat. Cool. Tension.<br />
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Joshua arrives with a date card. It says "choose one woman to join you for a night out on the town." Ashley I immediately asks if she can steal him (BACHELOR TRADITION, guys!) and everyone's like "ughhhhhh Ashley." Ashley tells him that he should ask out her sister, and Joshua is like "I have a few people to talk to first but we'll see." Ashley I pats herself on the back and says "I think I did a good job of selling my sister to Joshua." HUMAN TRAFFICKING IS HAPPENING. Good times.<br />
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Ashley says "Lauren is like the chillest girlfriend you could ever have - I mean, obviously, she let's a guy have another girlfriend!" Hardee har har remember because she's a mistress?<br />
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Juelia and Lauren are talking to Joshua and at the end of the conversation Joshua asks what Lauren's name is. Soooo basically they're in love and totally getting married. Oh wait, no, it means that Lauren is probably leaving. BYE! Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! But first we have to see who gets the date card.<br />
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Tenley asks if Joshua wants to see the ocean aaaand that was the best. Because it's like...right there. Right next to them. But yes, go walk to see it! Get him away from Lauren!<br />
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JJ is not worried about Joshua asking Tenley...and then...Joshua asks if Tenley will go on the date with him and she says yes! They go back to the pool and announce that Tenley is going with her. Lauren says "What a fun day" and then goes to pack her stuff. "I don't know why the world is so awful to me."<br />
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Ashley cries because Lauren is leaving. Big fight. Lauren leaves. ADIOS. K Bye! Go have fun being a mistress! And then five minutes of Lauren dragging her suitcase across the sand and up the stairs and across the sand again, and Ashley I crying. Womp womp. Also no one cares that Lauren is leaving. NO ONE. "Who's Lauren?"<br />
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Tanner asks Tenley what she sees in Josh, right in front of JJ. When Tenley protests, Tanner says that JJ is very adult about it and it's fine to talk about the positive things she sees in Josh. Uh, Tanner, have you met JJ? He is not an adult about anything, so basically this is going to go real well for him. JJ says "Tenley's like a Disney princess - and I've never seen a Disney movie end with the blacksmith getting the girl." OUCH. BURN.<br />
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Tenley and Joshua leave for their date!<br />
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Jonathan says "The more guys that come, the more guys that are going to go home." You guys, I think he's figured out how this show works!<br />
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UH OH SOMEONE IS COMING DOWN THE STAIRS. It's Joe! From Kaitlyn's season. Everyone is singing his praises right from the get go, saying how he's hilarious and the life of the party. He comes with a date card! Aaaaand he's having a little trouble reading it.<br />
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Now everyone is sitting in silence. But Joe is hilarious! What happened? I don't understand. Why is it so awkward and quiet. Carly says "This is awkward." Joe responds with "Yes." Yeah, this is super awkward. Joe, you suck. Then he asks Clare if this is her second time in paradise, and after she says yes, he says "That's terrible." WHAT A DICK.<br />
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Clare goes off to cry and now she's talking to her raccoon! AW! Hi buddy! The raccoon tries to open a bottle of wine, which is something we all want to do. Poor Clare. AND POOR RACCOON. Raccoon drops the bottle of wine and runs away.<br />
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No one feels a connection with Joe. Except for Juelia who really wants to ride horses. He asks if anyone wants to go horseback riding, and Juelia says she does. So he says "ok great." And no one knows if he asked her or if she invited herself or what the deal is. Joe makes no sense and gives me an icky feeling. Like watching him makes me need to take multiple scalding hot showers to get rid of his gross cooties. Juelia's like "I think he asked me?" And then Joe makes a gross joke about how she's actually riding him and ew I need to take ten more showers.<br />
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Joshua and Tenley's date! They go dancing and drinking and...blah blah blah. Joshua was a theatre major! YEAH MAN! Aw this is cute, they're actually showing them talking and getting to know each other and not just like super deep conversation right off the bat. Tenley says "he's big. I like really big guys." And then laughs embarrassedly. Now they're comparing hands and she's like super excited. FANTASY SUITE! Oh, not yet.<br />
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JJ talking more shit about Joshua. JOSHUA AND TENLEY ARE MAKING OUT. JJ says when Tenley gets back he's going to take her on a REAL date. (What? You don't have a date card.) Uh oh. JJ takes Tenley and now they go make out. Then JJ goes to bed, and now Tenley and JOSHUA are making out. GET SOME.<br />
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A crab gets swept away into the ocean!<br />
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Juelia and Joe are leaving for their date! Jonathan is bummed.<br />
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Everyone is hanging out, and all of a sudden, Joshua starts talking about drugs, and telling everyone how he's done molly. Everyone is super uncomfortable with it. Dan and Mikey take it upon themselves to tell Tenley about the things Joshua is saying in regards to drugs. Big brothers! So sweet. Now Tenley is going to talk to him and see what's up. RED FLAGS! Poor Tenley. She just wants to find loooove. She doesn't have time to waste on a bad guy, but sh'e got all the time to wait for the right one. Preach!<br />
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CARLY AND KIRK ARE THE CAYUTEST!!!!<br />
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Joe and Juelia go on their date. Riding horses! (No body doubles, for those of you that watch UnReal)<br />
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Jonathan is bummed that Juelia is going on the date with Joe. JJ is wearing a bathing suit that is way too short. Jonathan says hopefully Joe breaks his leg and has to go home. THAT WOULD BE A DAMN SHAME.<br />
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More of Joe and Juelia's date. They kiss. Ew.<br />
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Tenley pulls Joshua aside to talk about the whole drug thing. He says that it's not a thing that he does often, it was just a one time thing. She's not sure if Joshua is telling the truth or not. JJ says he wants to hang out with Tenley but she's taking a mind break. That's what you do in Paradise.<br />
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Joe and Juelia get back from their date, and Juelia is gushing about how much fun it was, and Joe looks very apathetic, and like "yeah. It was fine. Eh. Who cares." Dan does a spot on impression of Joe's reaction and it was great.<br />
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They're speculating over who's going home, and they think Mikey is going home. So Dan goes to tell Mikey that Clare isn't in to him anymore. And Mikey is just realllllly slow on the uptake. Clare told him from day one that she wasn't super interested in him. And now Dan is telling him that the girls say she's not interested in him. "Who said that?" "Both of them said that?" "Is that really the case though?" "Are you sure?" "Am I on candid camera?" (I made that last one up.) "How do you know?" But really Mikey doesn't get that his relationship with Clare is a FRIENDSHIP and not a relashee like he hopes. Mikey pulls Tenley away to ask him about it and they watch the sunset. Tenley's like "I wish I was watching this really romantic sunset with NOT you..."<br />
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Ashley I pees in the ocean. Because she's six.<br />
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Juelia talks to Jonathan about how maybe they don't have all the romantic chemistry that he thought. Juelia really likes Joe. And JOE IS A DICK. He literally tells the producer that Juelia is not very smart, and that the whole reason he's here is for someone who isn't here yet. Juelia is super smitten, and Joe's like "the kiss wasn't good. I just wanted the rose." He's manipulating one of the sweetest girls on the show! Ugh. What a dickbag. And then he farts. UGH. I WANT TO PUSH HIM INTO TRAFFIC. Too bad there's no traffic in Paradise.<br />
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Date card arrives for Jared! Ashley thinks he's going to pick her and not Clare because Clare is 34 and her "eggs are almost dead." Yep, that's how reproduction works. 34 and you're basically out of time! Good luck! Aaaaaand without any hesitation Jared picks Clare! Two hearts are broken! Mikey and Ashley I. Sorry guys. Everybody runs to their own rooms to cry and punch things. But at least Ashley's like "We haven't even kissed, so we have nothing, but still." Good on her remembering what the reality is. Ashley and Mikey are upset that their feelings weren't even considered, but it's like...guys. This is paradise. This is how things happen here. Get with the program.<br />
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Mikey and Jared have a chat about how Jared wants to date a woman who is eight years older than him. WHY IS EVERYONE SO HUNG UP ON THIS? You only have the option of dating the people that are in Paradise. And if everyone is coupled up and you want to see what kind of connection you have with the people remaining, who cares if she's older?! I mean, look at Demi and Ashton. Mikey is definitely feeling like a typical male and banging his chest. "CLARE IS MINE. OOOH OOH OOH OOH." Then Clare approaches him and he tells her to go away, that he's pissed. AND THEN CLARE POKES THE BEAR. Come on, girl. He warned you that he wasn't in a good mood and that YOU were the reason why. I know you want to like, talk this out or whatever, but HE WARNED YOU. But also Mikey thinks that Clare hasn't been upfront and honest with him, and that's just...no. Mikey and Clare yell at each other and now...<br />
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JJ thinks that Jared is taking the title of Villain away from him. VILLAIN'S GOTTA VIL, MAN. AGAIN!<br />
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Mikey is talking about leaving. Ashley I is crying. Clare is crying. Everyone is crying. Except for Kirk and Clare because they are SO CUTE.<br />
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DUN DUN DUNNNNNN WHAT HAPPENS TOMORROW?!your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-2221768989746714182015-08-10T17:02:00.001-07:002015-08-10T17:02:42.252-07:00It's the Start of Something NEWSo let's talk about real life for a second, guys. (Yes, the title is a High School Musical reference.)<br />
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This year has been nuts. My mom was diagnosed with Leukemia in January. My grandfather passed away in April. In the past few months, I have completely turned my life upside down. I quit my job, I broke up with my boyfriend, and I politely asked my roommate to get the fuck out of my apartment.</div>
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Is it that I'm getting close to 30? Is that why I'm making all these changes? Is it the alignment of the planets? Is it just because I'm growing up and I'm realizing that life is too short for the small things that make up the big picture to cause so much unhappiness? Who knows. The fact is, it happened, it's happening, life is life.</div>
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So! I joined some dating apps. Tinder, of course. </div>
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Jswipe. </div>
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Coffee Meets Bagel. </div>
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Clover. </div>
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Hinge. </div>
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Happn. </div>
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I tried to sign up for an app called "Align" which introduces you to people that you astrologically match with, but it wouldn't open on my phone. A SIGN FROM THE GODS.</div>
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So here I am, just trying to meet some folks, and figure out what I'm doing, where my place is on this planet, and really, what the point is of all this. </div>
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I decided to continue to document my experiences and just sort of keep track of everything. Because I am in the generation of NO SECRETS. Let me just THROW my life in your face so you know what's going on! Why not, right? Stick around, who knows what might happen!</div>
your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-87306886979322594222015-08-07T16:32:00.000-07:002015-08-10T17:04:26.941-07:00LET'S RUFFLE SOME FEATHERS! Bachelor in Paradise episode 1B!AND SO WE CONTINUE...<br />
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We start with an amazingly cheesy 80's opening credit sequence. I love it. CHRIS HARRISON IS READING HIS OWN BOOK. So good.<br />
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Back to reality...there's lightning! And crabs! And now...Clare has arrived! Tenley is excited to see her, which is adorbs.<br />
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Clare comes down with a date card, and she has to pick a guy to go with her on her first date. But she asks the girls who is already paired off, which is nice of her. She thinks that maybe she'll ask Dan, but then we find out that Dan went with Ashley S to the emergency room!<br />
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Ashley S: Oh my gosh, it's like my birthday! French fries.<br />
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Clare is bummed because everyone is paired up, so she tells Mikey that she has no options. SHE TELLS MIKEY. So she's stuck with Mikey and JJ. Clare decides that her best course of action is to tell a crab what's going on. I wonder if the raccoon and the crab are friends? Maybe they'll go talk to each other later. Clare is sad and doesn't know why the guys don't want to go on a date with her, but also...she hasn't asked anyone yet? So...there's that. Good job. The crab runs away in fear.<br />
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Clare feels like she's creeping on people's convos and relashee's. (Conversations and relationships. COOL ABBREVS, CLARE.) The crab hides again.<br />
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Mikey asks Clare if she wants to go for a walk and Clare is like totes. Even though she's not into him. He tells her he wants to go out with her and she's like...yeah.....ok, fine. They head out and walk into a man and woman with their crotches touching. Partner yoga! Sexy. Mikey looks terrified, and Clare looks like WHY. Tantric yoga on a first date! "I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO RUB PRIVIES WITH MIKEY ON OUR FIRST DATE!" Circus music, so obviously this isn't going to last. SEXY! Mikey makes a bunch of awkward sexual jokes and now even I'm uncomfortable.<br />
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Clare tells Mikey that she's really open to meeting everyone and so she doesn't want it to be more than it is. Mikey responds with "let's make out" because he wasn't listening. Clare turns him down and says she wants to meet everyone else first, and Mikey comes to his interview and tells us that their feelings are mutual and they're totally in love. So Mikey and Ashley I are the same, basically...they have conversations with the people they're interested in and hear things that don't happen! Real life, guys.<br />
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Everyone is in the water doing gymnastics. They're so talented! Tenley comes to the pool all dressed, and everyone is like "what are you doing? Why are you dressed? Aren't we in Paradise? What's happening here?" Ashley S gets a date card and she takes Dan! No hesitation at all, she just picks him. They're cute and weird together!<br />
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Moving on. Tenley is bummed because she hasn't connected with anyone else. Mikey has a man bun going on or something, but his hair isn't long enough to do anything. So it looks like a baby's ponytail.<br />
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Tenley and Jared go for a walk, and Ashley I is freaking out because IF THEY'RE IN LOVE WHY IS HE GOING WITH HER. More tears. Ashley I also hates old ladies. And so to fix how she's feeling she's going to take some shots. SHOTS! Lemon drops galore! Lauren says "If I have to help you throw up later..." Yeah. That'll most definitely happen.<br />
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Ashley I asks Tenley if she can steal Jared because she misses being on the bachelor and they always steal people. EVERYONE WANTS JARED (not really) SO ASHLEY HAS TO SOLIDIFY HER CLAIM. And Tenley is just like, sure. She doesn't want to work for it, which she shouldn't have to. Just let it happen, lady!<br />
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Ashley and Jared talk and he tells her that they had a great time and now it's like, you never know what's going to happen. "So, you're cool and all, but like, chill. Who knows. I could fall in love with anyone and it probably won't be you." Lauren says "so you're not getting a rose and we get to go home?" She totes does not want to be there anymore. "Let's go home and then die alone." Then they look at her boobs.<br />
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First cocktail party and then Rose Ceremony! Just a reminder, guys get to give the roses out to the ladies tonight.<br />
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JJ wants the girls to bestow gifts upon them at his feet because he feels like a god. That's definitely an attractive quality, JJ, just keep doin' what you're doin'.<br />
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Chris Harrison tells everyone that a lot can change in Paradise and you never know what's going to happen and who will show up! Which seems ominous for right before a rose ceremony but, this is Paradise...so...<br />
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Jillian takes JJ's hand and they go off to chat. She turns into a dude and tells him that if she had gotten the date card she would've picked him, and he eats it up. Then Tenley comes over to JJ and puts her legs on him like they're just hanging out, and gives him permission to kiss her if he wants to. WHAT. Tenley, I thought you didn't want to work for it? This is the definition of working - you're THROWING yourself at him. I get it, if you don't get the rose you go home, but like...come on. Don't lower yourself down so low that you forget how much you're worth.<br />
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And now Ashley I is going crazy because Clare is talking to Jared. And she can hear their whole conversation, where Jared says "If you don't have a rose when it's my turn to give out roses, then I'm going to give you my rose" because he wants to get it on with her. Poor Ashley. Even crazy people don't deserve to hear sad conversations like that. Clare and Jared are totally going to bone after this. Ashley I realizes that maybe this isn't the best show for her to be on because she's very focused. Womp womp. Good try!<br />
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ROSE CEREMONY!<br />
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Definite couples going in to the rose ceremony:<br />
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Carly and Kirk<br />
Jade and Tanner<br />
Juelia and Jonathon<br />
Ashley S and Dan<br />
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Wildcards:<br />
Tenley<br />
JJ<br />
Jillian<br />
Ashley I (and Lauren)<br />
Clare<br />
Mikey<br />
Jared<br />
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Rose ceremony time!<br />
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Tanner picks...Jade!<br />
Kirk picks...Carly!<br />
Dan picks...Ashley S!<br />
Jonathon picks...Juelia!<br />
Mikey picks...Clare! (Clare is worried that he still doesn't get it that she's not interested, but she's happy to have a rose anyway.)<br />
Jared picks...Ashley I (and Lauren "oh hey")<br />
JJ picks...stressful music! WHO WILL HE PICK!!!!!!! He picks...Tenley! EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD JILLIAN SHE HAD HIS ROSE. All because Tenley let him kiss her. Sexy time.<br />
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BYE JILLIAN! WE STILL LOVE YOU!<br />
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AND THAT'S OUR SHOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!<br />
Tune in next week for more ridiculousness!<br />
<br />your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2646557115835674919.post-54965758339213592482015-08-07T09:22:00.001-07:002016-05-20T13:20:07.325-07:00THE BEST SHOW OF THE SUMMER IS BACK! Bachelor in Paradise Episode 1A!<div dir="ltr">
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<span style="color: #444444;">I just couldn't stay away from the amazing-ness that is Bachelor in Paradise. I hope you kids will come along for the ride again this season!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Each week is THREE HOURS of nonstop hilarity, plus an hour of talkback after the Monday episode. WHAT. No. I'm only blogging the three hours, if you want to watch the talkback you can do it on your own time because it's only an hour, versus the 8 billion I'll spend per episode. You are SO welcome! I'm going to break up the Sunday and Monday episodes because otherwise whoa. Too many words to read in one sitting.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">And without further ado, here we go!!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">We start off with the ever lovable Chris Harrison telling us all about how amazing Paradise is. Living in Paradise has one simple rule - find love OR GO THE EFF HOME. Aw, Paulie brings Chris a big ass drink. Because you definitely need one here in Paradise. Otherwise, who knows what you'll have to really deal with.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">AND NOW, the cast of Bachelor in Paradise! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Starting with Ashley I, from Chris's season. She cries once to three times day. How adult. (I only cry half a time a day, so...stop judging). And here we meet Ashley's sister, who is apparently the "slut" version of Ashley, and three years younger. Isn't that the way of the world these days? Yes, yes it is. Oh my gosh you guys, look how cute they are! They're out on chairs tanning and they turn over at the same time!! TWINSIES. And now Ashley packs Lauren in her suitcase. (FORESHADOWING)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jared! The guy who really needs to figure out what's up with his beard. But he's a total gentleman and that's freaking awesome. He was on Kaitlyn's season and they were totes in love. But maybe not.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Ashley S! Also from Chris's season. She loves onions and pomegranates. And her dad told her to try boys on like shoes. What? Sexxxxxy time. Good advice to give pre-Paradise.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Tanner! From Kaitlyn's season. He is only MILDLY bitter (and by mildly I mean like he is 100% bitter) and thinks he's hilarious but really isn't. He's here for Jade and Samantha. And is asking for advice from geese. Cool. They don't have any to give. Super weird considering how talkative they are.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jade! From Chris's season. She modeled for Playboy so now everyone obviously loves her. She's also pretty awesome. I want to be friends with her, so there's that. But here's an actual quote "I don't know, maybe in three weeks I will be engaged." Well, this is bachelor-ville, so anything is possible! Literally anything. Like, you could fall in love in three weeks and be engaged! Can't think of a better example than that.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jillian! From Chris's season. Her claim to fame is that she's super into cross fit and her butt needs to be censored. Black box covering her butt forever. BUT NOW! She's got breast implants! She's putting herself out there. With her breastesses. "I'm so excited to meet the guys and show off the girls."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Dan! From Desiree's season. He's the "whole package" because he's a "business owner" and a "libra." Yep, that's how I define whole package. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Juelia! From Chris's season. Her daughter doesn't like any of the potential dudes she's going to meet. So that's unfortunate. The baby likes Kirk! We'll see how much water that holds when they get there.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Tenley! From Jake's season and Bachelor Pad, runner up both times. (I didn't watch either of those.) Her boyfriend of five years decided to have a baby with another girl right after they broke up. So THAT sucks. I feel for you girl. (Not because I've been in that situation, but still. That super sucks.) But she can do half cartwheels! So that'll get her a dude.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">And I guess that's it for now? Chris says "LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN!"</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Everyone arrives in Paradise. Jade's first. She's hoping that she can stay away from the drama and find a real connection. GOOD LUCK.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jared. Chris IMMEDIATELY brings up Kaitlyn. "Are you over her? Are you still heartbroken? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN REALLY FIND LOVE?!???!!!!!" Jared takes it well, "uh yeah, dude, I'm open to it. Let me go downstairs and talk to the ladeeeeez." And then "Best case scenario is that I would find somebody that makes me forget about Kaitlyn." You know it Jaaaaared. Best way to get over somebody is to get under someone else! Or as they like to do on the show, go in the ocean. Same thing. Aw, he and Jade are already holding hands! So cayute.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Tenley arrives! Wearing heels. She hasn't been on a bachelor show in five years aaaaand she hopes people remember who she is.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Carly's here! From Chris's season. I freaking love her. She is totally sassy and says exactly the kind of things I think and sometimes put on this blog. I want to be friends with her too. Jared's hoping that it's just the four of them.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Carly: I did not sign up to be on the bachelor again!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jonathan! From Kaitlyn's season, even though he originally picked Britt. He comments on Tenley, Carly, and Jade's teeth and how white they are and seriously how can I get my teeth that white? I'm super jelly.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Tanner! Carly thinks he's hot. He wants Jade. Tenley comments on how after today no one will be wearing clothes. PARADISE!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Mikey T. He immediately brings up how manly he is, which, everything about him is muscles. MUSCLES FOR DAYS. Aaaand he offers to get the guys ripped like him which they are all SUPER stoked about. (Not.) No one is into him. Sorry Mikey. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Ashley I arrives. And she brought HER SISTER! TWO FOR ONE, GUYS! WHAT. Ashley I is a "self-proclaimed virgin" and Lauren is "Iacon-naughty" get it guys because it's a play on their last name! Oh, Ashley, become a stand up comedian and stop looking for love. You'll do great. Lauren is wearing heels, because no one warned her that she's going to be on a beach or walking down stairs made of sand. Ashley says that guys usually gravitate more towards Lauren than her?! SO WHY DID YOU BRING HER HERE?! WHAT. No brains.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">AND THE FIRST SHOT OF AN ANIMAL HAS SURFACED! I think it's a lizard or something. Everyone is shocked.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jonathan doesn't care if it's fair that Ashley brought her sister because he totes wants a threesome. Also he's got the crazy eyes. The new AshLee?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Mikey thinks Lauren is super hot and so he takes off his shirt. Because he's really sweaty. And now they're going in the ocean!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Juelia arrives! "You can just go in the ocean?" Yes. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT HERE. THERE ARE NO RULES.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jared says that Mikey "took the bulls by the horn." No, that is not a typo. I have nothing else to say about that. Bu also it looks like Mikey is grabbing Lauren's boobs already. PARADISE!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Kirk arrives! From Ali's season. And wearing plaid! He says this an adult summer camp. Yes. Carly thinks he's freaking cute.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Lauren and Ashley I have a conversation. They both think Jared is cute and Ashley is like "BUT YOU'LL GIVE HIM TO ME RIGHT?!???!!!!" Ashley, why did you bring Lauren if she's not allowed to hit on anyone? Oh right, because you make out with them and she...finishes them. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Dan shows up! Ashley thinks he's cute but Lauren shuts that down right away. Same with Kirk. "Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong." MEAN GIRLS IN REAL LIFE.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jillian is here and she is just in a bathing suit. QUOTE: WHERE ARE THE REST OF YOUR CLOTHES, JILLIAN?! Awesome. Jonathan wants to take a bite out of that...black box. Hey-o!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">The ocean crashes! CRABS!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jade says "hopefully there are no douchebags" AND THEN JJ ARRIVES. This show has the best editing. Villains gotta vil, yo. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">And finally Ashley S arrives! "Did you guys grow these plants just for me?" YES.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Chris Harrison says "you are the last person to arrive." Ashley says "you mean today?" NOPE. FOREVER. And now she's not paying attention because there are birds in a cage. "Are they parakeets? They're parrots!" Chris says she's the first person to notice the parrots. Ashley says "Maybe because I have some." Chris says "Really?" Ashley says "Well, no." She's amazing.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">EVERYBODY IS HERE! For now...</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Very astute observation by Tanner: It's not IF crazy [bleep] is going to happen, it's when.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Guys are giving out the roses this week! And Ashley I and her sister Lauren count as ONE ROSE. Sooooo that's...a thing.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">And now they all head down to the beach for something special.... OH MY GOSH LACY AND MARCUS FROM LAST SEASON ARE GETTING MARRRRRRIEEEEEDDDDDD. Totes adorbs, you guys. I hope Lacy's math has improved, but I'm about 80/40 that it hasn't. And Marcus thinks that one, or two, or maybe even three couples could happen. Those are some impressive odds to live up to! But I guess considering there were only really 2 couples that came out of last season, and one of them already broke up, I guess that's fair. Juelia catches the bouquet. Chris Harrison hopes that a year from now he's celebrating one of their love stories. Only one. SO AGAIN, WELCOME TO PARADISE.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">And now the drinks are flowing. They're in Mexico, guys! Everyone is swarming around Jade, because, you know, she was naked. Jillian flashes everybody to try and get the same attention, and it doesn't work. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Aaaaand Lauren is crying. OUR FIRST TEARS OF THE SEASON, GUYS. Why is she crying? Because she thinks everyone is OLD. (Well, I mean, there are a lot of people who are 32. That's ancient.) And she hates people. (I know that feel bro.) THIS IS A CATASTROPHE.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Ashley leaves Lauren to enjoy her alone time, and goes to put her claws in Jared. Oh look! Jonathan and Juelia are pairing off already! CUTIES. Ashley thinks that Jared is prettttttty perfect. So then she sits next to him and says NOTHING. That's good flirting, girl. I wish I had skillz like you! Oh! And now THE SECOND TEARS OF THE SEASON! Ashley I. Those sisters sure know how to use their tears. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Carly and Kirk hit it off because of her small hands. The first kiss of Paradise! So cute. Carly just goes for it. GO GIRL! Jade says that Carly is her spirit animal. I totally agree.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Ashley brings up her princess ways. She's wearing her Jasmine bathing suit. OH NO. JARED AND JADE ARE GOING TO THE OCEAN. Ashley thinks that Jared and she had a good (one sentence long) conversation and they're going to take their relationship slow. Uh...Jared wasn't part of that conversation. And now Ashley's crying again. "I don't understand, I had so much fun on the Bachelor!" And now she's cry laughing. What? What is even happening.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">DAY 2!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Mikey says it's hard for testosterone driven men not to jump on something they feel right away. Dan laughs at him. Uh, hey bud, that's called rape? "Nature, I guess, you know?"</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Ashley is icing her face because she was crying all night. Good job.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jillian comes running in (wearing a bikini, obviously) with a date card! Ashley I gets it! NO WAY! She has to choose a man to get dirty with for her date. JARED LOOKS SO SAD. JJ wants the date just to go on a date. Romantic! Dan asks Jared if he would go if he was asked and he was like "I don't know, I mean, it could be anyone" while screaming with his eyes "PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE GO ON THIS DATE." Lauren gives Ashley a pep talk about how to ask him. "Hey Jared, would you love to go on this date with me?" And now Ashley is crying again. "THIS IS STUPID, WHY AM I CRYING AGAIN?" We're all wondering that, Ash.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Ashley asks Jared to go on the date! He says yes! Good job. What a gentleman. She thinks he looks like Aladdin? I think she needs to get her eyes checked. "If Jared is my Aladdin, he can rub the [bleep] out of my lamp!" I HAVE NO COMMENT BECAUSE THIS WRITES ITSELF.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">They go off roading. I'm bored.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Everyone is SO SUNBURNT. YOU GUYS. You're going to be in the SUN. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Lather on that SPF!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jared is a scorpio! ME TOO! Now I'm in love with him! Oh wait. No...that's not how it works. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Ashley S is now making out with a parrot. Oh yeah, remember how she's crazy? It's showing. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">JJ shows up with a date card! Jade gets it! "Choose a MAN to take on your first date in paradise." Weird emphasis, but ok. Ashley and Jared are back! Maybe Jade will ask Jared since he came back just in time! Jillian tells Ashley that Jade got the date card. "And it says to take a MAN." Are they prompting them to do this? Is Jade maybe not straight and that's why they're telling her she has to take a man? I don't get it. Ashley is delusional and just told us that everyone thinks he's been the happiest he's been since getting here. Since yesterday? Yeah, ok Ash, whatever you say. And then Ashley says that Jade MOST CERTAINLY MAY BE into Jared. AND JADE ASKSSSSSSSSSSSS....TANNER. Good job Jade, that's nice of you.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Frog!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jade and Tanner's date. They talk about Playboy. I'm bored.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">OH NO! ASHLEY S IS BEING TAKEN AWAY TO THE HOSPITAL! More on that later, I guess? But Dan goes with her! What a sweetie.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jade kisses Tanner! Taking a page out of Carly's book, nice! Sexy time. And now they go in the river! That sunburn though. Ouch.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Jared and Ashley are talking about food? They're love is so deep, you guys. THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. WIND. HEELS ON THE STAIRS.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">CLARE IS HERE!! RUH ROH. HURRICANE CLARE IS BLOWING IN TONIGHT. And Chris gives her a date card! She's here for (thunder!) TANNER, (thunder!) KIRK, and (thunder!) JARED. GAME ON!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">RACCOON!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">END OF SUNDAY'S EPISODE.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnn</span></div>
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your invisible pixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10095931631509781087noreply@blogger.com0