Whatever

It's been almost a year since I've posted and I still have nothing new to write.

Would not recommend being seventh wheel on a family trip, though.

But I guess the bonus is I don't have to share dessert if I don't want to?

When the Night Falls

“I want to dance with somebody!”

Jess was dancing around her living room now, glass of wine in hand, while her friend Beth sat on the couch. She’d already had a few glasses, so she was feeling good, and open, and she was ready to tell Beth what was on her mind.

“You’re lucky. You have a guy you can dance with whenever you want. You don’t have to go on stupid dates from these stupid apps hoping that these stupid guys aren’t stupid. Which they always are.” She was always quite eloquent after imbibing. “All you have to do is go home and say ‘hey! Get up! Dance with me!’ and Jake will. How do I get that?”

Beth sipped her glass of wine slowly. “You go on dates with stupid guys from the stupid apps, I guess.”

“But that’s not how you met Jake. You met him at a party and knew right away. RIGHT AWAY. I’ve gone on like eighty billion dates and never felt anything with anyone. Do you think I’m dead inside?”

Beth laughed, “Yes, you’re definitely dead inside. But don’t worry, that’s all the rage these days.”

“Oh I know, I’ve always been on top of the trends. Ok, get up and dance with me. If I don’t have a guy to dance with, you’ll have to do for now.”

---

As Jess got ready for bed, she thought about the conversations she’d had with Beth over the years. Beth and Jake had met at a party and had been instantly drawn to each other. It always gave Jess hope that she would meet someone like that and feel the same thing, but after years of going on first dates that rarely went to second dates, she was running out of hope. She knew she was smart, funny, and pretty enough, but it didn’t seem to make any difference. She was still going to bed alone.

“Tomorrow, Pigglywinks,” she said to her stuffed animal. “Tomorrow will be different.”

---

The next morning, as Jess grabbed her chai latte from her usual coffee shop, she noticed a headline in the paper that someone was reading. It read “Do You Want to Dance with Somebody?” As she tried to get closer to the paper to see what the article said, someone knocked her chai latte out of her hand and all over the reader of the paper.

“I am so sorry!” she yelped. “I was just trying to see your paper and someone bumped into me and oh my goodness, I am so sorry.” She kept babbling on, but the man just stared at her, looking amused.

“It’s no problem at all. I was due for a bath anyway.” The man stood up. Jess dabbed him with some napkins, almost making it worse. She looked at him apologetically. “Let me pay for your dry cleaning bill. I can’t believe that happened!”

“I’m Grant.”

“Jess.”

“Jess. That’s a good name. Nice to meet you. You don’t need to pay for my dry cleaning - how about you let me take you out for some ice cream instead?”

“But that doesn’t make sense. I spilled on you! If anything, I should take YOU out for ice cream.”

“Deal.”

----

“Beth, you’ll never believe it. I met this guy after spilling my drink on him and now we’re going out tonight. How is that a real thing?”

“It’s your meet cute!”

“OH EM GEE you are totally right! I’ve always wanted to have my own meet cute story that I could tell my grandkids about. Maybe this is it!” Jess started twirling her hair, getting lost in her daydream.

“Calm down there, Lightning McQueen. This is your first date, you definitely should NOT bring up grandkids.” Beth shook her head. She had to admit it was good to see Jess finally excited about something.

The typical clothes pile appeared on the floor as Jess tried to figure out to wear. Once she finally picked the dress she felt best in, she stared at herself in the mirror. “Don’t be weird. Or be weird but like, not in a weird way.”

---

Their conversation had been going for hours. Ice cream turned into dinner, which turned into wandering around the city. Jess couldn’t believe how much they had in common and how easy the conversation had flowed. Around midnight they found a bench with a nice overlook and sat down.

Jess turned to Grant, about to say something completely mundane when he kissed her. It was a quick, soft kiss that took her completely off guard. When he pulled back, they just looked at each other, her with a goofy smile on her face, him looking serious.

“That was really nice,” Jess started.

“Jess, listen. I’ve had an amazing time with you tonight, but I don’t think this can go anywhere.”

Perplexed, Jess scooted away from him on the bench. She was completely silent, trying to process what he was saying. “Uh, what?”

Grant sighed, and ran his hand through his hair, trying to figure out the best thing to say. “I don’t know how to explain it. You’re funny, smart, and so fun to hang out with. Tonight has been one of the best nights of my life. But I can’t do this.”

Jess just stared at him. This wasn’t computing. She quickly played back everything that happened during their time together. They had a great time! They joked! They shared fries! What the fuck? “What the fuck?”
Grant stood up. “Let me walk you home.”

Jess just continued to stare at him. “I don’t want you to walk me home, I want you tell me what happened between a minute ago when you kissed me and when you said this couldn’t go anywhere. Like, seriously dude. Are you on drugs or something?”

“I don’t have an easy answer for you, Jess. Come on. Let me take you home.”

Jess stood up and started walking home. “Don’t follow me. You’re such a jackass. I don’t get it.”

“Jess, come on. I’m not going to let you walk home by yourself. It’s midnight.”

Jess didn’t say anything else and continued walking. He took that as a sign that he could walk her home.

---

After what felt like three hours of walking in silence but in reality was only 10 minutes, they arrived at Jess’s apartment. She turned to face him, arms crossed, confusion and hurt on her face. “I wish you could explain why this wouldn’t work.”

Grant sighed again. He shook his head, as if trying to clear it. “I wish I could explain why this wouldn’t bork, too.”

“Bork? Did you just say bork?”

“No. You misheard me. Anyway, I have to go. I’m glad you let me walk you home. I love walks. Walks are the best.”

Jess stared at him, confused about what was happening.

Grant started to back away slowly. “Thanks for a great evening. I’m sorry it has to end like this. I really did have a great time.”

“Me too.” Jess watched Grant as he walked away. He waved, then turned around. He stopped when he got to the corner to look at her again, and as he stood there, he turned into a dog.

Jess blinked in confusion, wondering if she was seeing things. “Grant?” she called. The dog came towards her. “Wait, what? Grant? Seriously?” The dog came a little closer, then ran up to her and jumped up on her. She wasn’t really sure what to do now. She’d never encountered a dude turning into a dog before.

As she knelt down to pet Grant, she whispered, “I don’t know why you thought this wouldn’t work. I love dogs!”

----

The next morning Jess woke up with Grant on the couch. As a human. Jess got up and made breakfast for them while he continued to sleep. When the smell of food started wafting out of the kitchen, Grant finally woke up. “So. I guess you know my secret now.”

Jess turned to him with a smile on her face. “I guess I do. Do you like cheese on your eggs?”

----

“Beth, I found my dance partner! He’s amazing, and fun, and loving, and he loves to go on walks...he’s incredible! And he’s so protective of me.”

“That’s so great, Jess! When do I get to meet him?” Beth was back on the couch. “And when did you get a dog?”

THE END

I Didn’t Mean It

I didn’t mean it when I wrote your name in a book to say you sucked

I didn’t mean it when I circled yes to being your girlfriend

I didn’t mean it when I emailed them to say I wanted to kill myself because of my grades

I didn’t mean it when I said I couldn’t walk to your place because of my ankle

I didn’t mean it when I said I was ok with you two being a couple

I didn’t mean it when I said I wanted you back after I found out you told her you only wanted me for my rent money

I didn’t mean it when I said it was fine that I couldn’t have my job back because of us being an us 

I didn’t mean it when I reached back out once a year to go out with you

I didn’t mean it when I said you should meet me in the bathroom

I didn’t mean it when I said I missed you

I didn’t mean it when I said we should get together

I didn’t mean it when I sent you those pictures

I didn’t mean it when I said I was fine

I didn’t mean it when I said it was fine 

I didn’t mean it when I said you should trust me

I didn’t mean it when I said I loved you

I didn’t mean it when I said I hated you

I wanted to but I didn’t 

I'm fine

I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine, thank you
I'm fine
I'm fine
Thanks, I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm ok
I'm fine
Couldn't be handling it better
I'm fine
Fuck you
No really I'm fine
I'm fine I guess
Things are fine
It's fine
No I'm great thanks
I'm fine
I'm fine
Yeah no really I'm fine
I'm fine.

Late Night Insecurities

Maybe I said something wrong

Maybe I said too many things right

Maybe I was an annoying drunk

Maybe I drank too much

Maybe he didn't like the way I tasted

Maybe he didn't like the way I moved 

Maybe I moved too much in my sleep

Maybe I stayed too close

Maybe I farted

Maybe I came off too stupid

Maybe I didn't use the right grammar in my texts

Maybe I'm boring

Maybe I was too insecure

Maybe I was too confident

Maybe I was too overdressed

Maybe I wasn't wearing enough makeup (I wasn't wearing any)

Maybe I talked about my friends too much

Maybe I talked about myself too much

Maybe I talked about the movies too much

Maybe I wasn't critical enough

Maybe I was too critical

Maybe I didn't ask the right questions

Maybe I asked too many questions 

Maybe I didn't ask enough questions

Maybe I just wasn't enough 

Maybe he's just busy

Valentine's Day List

In honor of Valentine's Day, here is a list of things I like. You know, so when you exist you'll know.

Kit Kats
orchids
ice cream
raisinets
your smile
your name at the top of my text list
when you catch my eye from across the room
watching you think
watching your reaction when I say or do something confusing
the way your hand feels in mine
knowing you're thinking about me
sunsets
pictures of cute things
Christmas lights
the colors teal and purple
cute dogs
hearing a song that makes me feel happy
my new couches
catching snowflakes
ice cream
thinking of you

True Love is Worth Fighting For...Week 2 of Bachelor in Paradise!

Week 2 night 1!

When we last left off, Chad had gotten kicked out of Paradise after turning it into HELL.

Chad yells at Chris Harrison for a bit, who has been edited in from some woods-y area from Woodland Hills because he isn't in the same area as Chad anymore. And now Chad is eating protein in the car as he drives away. Bye Chad!

Shots!

Leah arrives! She was on Ben's season and spread rumors about Lauren B, who Ben ended up with. Whoops! She's looking for Chad. Because they both really like protein, so it's a match made in heaven. You should just leave and find him, Leah! BYE. Since Chad is gone, she goes around trying to meet all the guys to decide who to go with. She ends up asking Nick on a date. Amanda is sad because she likes him.

We come back from commercial to watch the twins eat bananas. Jared and Vinny look on, practically drooling. "That's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the night."

Lace talks to Jorge while she takes shots. Then she pulls a quick high school moment and asks Vinny to talk to Grant and then send him her way. Vinny goes back and Grant goes over to talk to her! Grant tells her that he's pretending like the whole thing with Chad never happened.

Birds!

Leah and Nick's date. Leah trips. Whoops! They drink passion fruit margaritas. "Passion fruit, lots of passion in there!" Leah says that she's attracted to that lumberjack look, and that makes me think she doesn't know what Nick looks like. Leah and Nick kiss! And he's super not into it...but kisses her anyway. Ew. AND THEN SHE SAYS "That last splash just got me so wet!"

Leah and Nick are back from their date. "It was lovely," they both say.

Uh oh....another date card arrives...and it's for NICK! Two dates in one day?! Oh snap. Leah is SURE that he's going to pick her buuuut instead he picks Amanda! Leah tries to psyche Amanda out by telling her to stop being her. Because they "look similar"...Leah is crazy. She's on a rollercoaster of emotions. THE FIRST DAY SHE'S HERE.

Amanda and Nick's date was cute! He's so nervous. Also, Nick's job is "Runner Up."

Bird! Fire! Crab! Leah being sad. Nick and Amanda kissing.

Sarah goes over to talk to Vinny because she hasn't connected with anyone yet. Vinny walks her home! Cuuuuuuuuuute.

Carly and Evan are hanging out. They decide to go to bed (separately)...Carly kisses him. EW. No. Evan is in loooooooove. Carly says the kiss was VERY bad. Ewwwwwwww.

Lace decides to get down and dirty with Grant to make sure he gets his rose. They cover the camera up to get it on...but then somehow, the camera gets uncovered! SEXY TIMES.

Rose ceremony is coming up! The guys have the power this week, giving out the roses.

Sarah and Vinny hang out, and then Vinny kisses her! Sarah likes him. Izzy and Vinny talk now...and then Vinny downs his drink, likely to try and sterilize his mouth, and then kisses Izzy! OH EM GEE. SO sleazy! Vinny, you suck.

Leah tries to secure Nick's rose, but he thinks he's going to give it to Amanda. Leah tries to get Daniel's rose instead and they have a very confusing conversation about onions and oranges. But Leah thinks she'll get his rose!

Daniel decides to go speed dating with all the girls to decide who he'll give his rose to.

Rose ceremony! Three girls could go home. Haley and Emily count as one because they're twins.

Grant gives his rose to Lace.
Nick gives his rose to Amanda.
Evan gives his rose to Carly.
Jared gives his rose to Emily (and Haley).
Vinny gives his rose to Izzy.
Daniel gives his rose to...Sarah!

Bye Leah and Jubilee! Jubilee is probably going to stay away from Mexico. Leah should go find Chad.

Uh oh. Josh has arrived. Josh is Andi's ex-fiance. He comes in with a date card...and asks Amanda! He's very into Nick's ladies. Rude. Apparently everyone is just finding out about Nick and Josh being final two...Does no one watch The Bachelor?! Jeez.

Side note: Daniel's Canadian accent is the best.

Montage of Josh and Amanda's date intercut with Nick being sad walking on the beach. Josh and Amanda kiss and Josh moans a lot.

Evan has a date card! He asks Carly and she definitely does noooooot want to go. Very reminiscent of when Ashley asked Jared last season. Yikes. Carly doesn't even change for her date, that's how reluctant she is to go. Her romper is super cute though.

Their date is a mess. They have to eat the world's hottest pepper and then kiss for 90 seconds. Evan is super excited, and Carly wants to die. EW. Somehow they manage to get through it, kissing for just over 10 seconds longer than they have to! Evan also cops a feel while they're kissing. And there's a drool string when they separate. So gross. And thennnnn Carly goes and pukes. We feel the same way, girl.

Emily and Jared are laying in one of the sun beds. She has a four step system to get him to kiss her. Step one: small talk. Step two: compliment him. Step three: turn on your side or find a way to get him to put his arm around you. Step four: put your face near his face. But Jared doesn't kiss her until she's starting to walk away.

Josh and Amanda are back from their date. Josh just leaves everything in god's hands and doesn't care about Nick's feelings. And now Josh is making out with Amanda in front of everyone. That's so rude, guys. Rude of Josh because he doesn't care, but also rude of Amanda because she's in front of Nick, and they went on a date and like...does she not care about his feelings? What the hell. Also Josh moans a lot when he makes out with Amanda. Ew.


Week 2 night 2!

We start out with Daniel counting out how many abs he has, just in case he lost one during the night. Josh and Amanda are also making out.

Birds!

Daniel is trying to get Nick to confront Josh about their whole relationship but also, no. Nick is taking the high road and avoiding them.

Daniel is now trying to get Sarah to be more interested in him. Sarah is intrigued by him but also cautious because he's a little weird.

Aaaaand Christian shows up! He was on JoJo's season. A lot of the girls are already interested in him. Christian asks the guys to go chat to see what the deal is, and then he asks Sarah to go on his date! Daniel is worried.

Lizard of some kind! Birds!

Carly and Evan are now describing their date to different people. Carly is explaining it as deadpan as you possibly can, and Evan is pretty much in love. Carly decides that she needs to tell him that she's not interested in him. Which, good for her that she's actually telling him. He seems to take it pretty well although he's bummed about it. Jared describes it to Carly pretty well: "You guys went on a date, and you threw up. I don't think it's going to work out."

Christian and Sarah's date is really cute. They do a bunch of physical activities and Christian is super supportive of her. They kiss!

Evan is still upset, trying to decide if he should pack his stuff up and go or if he should try and make a connection with someone else.

Brandon is here! From Desiree's season. Even Chris Harrison doesn't remember him. He gets a date card! He asks Haley. Carly is sad.

Lizard!

Haley is drunk! She's an adorable drunk. She started crying because she wants the girls to braid her hair!!

Christian and Sarah come back from their date and Daniel is sad that Sarah seems interested in Christian.

Josh and Amanda are still making out in front of everyone.

Daniel gets some chocolate strawberries and champagne and shares it with Sarah. She seems to like him because he's keeping her entertained and making her laugh a lot. But they also seem to have a good serious conversation. Sarah says that she had a good time on her date but that it would've been more fun with Daniel. Aw, Daniel says he wants to kiss her...but he doesn't want to give her the zika virus.

Brandon and Haley go on their date. Haley and Emily are going to play a trick on Brandon and do a switcheroo. Whyyyyyy. Brandon can't tell. That's sad. But also it's the first date so like how would you expect him to figure that out so quickly?

Josh and Amanda, Grant and Lace, and Vinny and Izzy are all sitting on the same bed thing making out with each other.

Evan has decided to go pursue Amanda because they have the "parent" connection. We'll see what happens with that...next week!!!

It's BACK!!!! Bachelor in Paradise Has Returned!

I am so flippin' excited you guys...my favorite summer show is back! Seriously, whenever anyone asks me what my favorite show is near summertime, it's HANDS DOWN Bachelor in Paradise. I don't know if it's the cheesy theme song, the extra appearance of Chris Harrison, or just Jorge's magical existence that makes it my favorite, but whatever it is, my summer is greatly improved when this show returns.

We start the episode out with a thrilling sneak peak that we've seen at least four times already thanks to it being shown to us during The Bachelorette. SO MUCH DRAMA TO COME, GUYS!!

MAIN TITLE!! Where they show everyone who is going to be here during this episode. Hurray!

Chris Harrison gets a drink from Jorge! I love them and their cute relationship. Aw, he's mentioning Jade and Tanner. Who will find love this summer? Kick back, relax, grab a drink, and LET'S ALL FIND OUT TOGETHER!

Let's meet the people!

First up are the twins, from Ben's season. They've already decided that they're not going to date the same guy this season. We'll SEE!!!

Next is Nick, runner up during both Andi and Kaitlyn's seasons. Poor Nick, living in Silver Lake, not able to find a lady on his own. Oh look, he's doing crossfit. How original. He's interested in Jubilee!

Now we meet Jubilee, from Ben's season. She suffers from the same affliction as me, Resting Bitch Face. She's been working on it. We'll see if that shows during the show!

Evan! From JoJo's season. He's the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist and he's STILL NOT OVER THE FACT that Chad "ripped" his shirt. So they show him literally buying the same shirt. Come on, Evan. It was a sound effect. Yes, maybe he stretched it but that's not the same. And really, it was too tight on you anyway. Evan says he's excited to relax in Paradise with some beautiful girls, and hopefully not Chad. But guess who we meet next...

Chad! From JoJo's season. We're given a montage of him threatening people and eating, and then him walking his dog! And putting a lot of protein things in his suitcase. He's interested in Lace!

So of course now we meet Lace, from Ben's season. She says that it didn't go well because she drank too much and that she wasn't crazy. So of course, now that she's going to Paradise that's definitely going to change, right???

Daniel, the Canadian! He's Chad's best friend from JoJo's season. We're gifted him trying to say "Bachelorette" and failing, because he's Canadian. Actual quote: "You can't get rid of me, I'm like a disease that just won't go away, like herpes. I don't know if I want to be associated with herpes...it's treatable nowadays so it's not a big deal, right?" Can't wait for more gems like this from him.

Amanda! From Ben's season. She's a mom. She's also super into upspeak and glottal fry. It's great? I love upspeak?

Commercial!

Amanda is the first to arrive in Paradise. There are birds! "Falling in love here would be amazing."

Nick arrives! He's nervous. "All I can do is have an open mind and see where it goes, and see what happens."

Jubilee! Ben dumped Jubilee in Mexico, so she's hoping being in Mexico goes better this time.

They mention Chad being next and then play scary music!!

But it's Evan. Jubilee calls him "The Penis Guy" which is pretty accurate. She says she'll try to remember his name and not call him "The Penis Guy" but we'll see.

Vinny arrives! He's from JoJo's season. He's in "Puerto Vallarty" and he's "ready to party."

Carly is here! Last season she found love with Kirk and then he broke her heart. But she's back! Second chance at love! She's going to test drive some cars this time. Cars being dudes. Stick shift. Sex jokes.

Grant! From JoJo's season. He was a fireman. Is a fireman? Who knows.

And now Daniel arrives. Wearing jean shorts. Grant says hide your belly buttons because Daniel is here. Daniel is not impressed with the women that are here. Jubilee tells Amanda not to make eye contact with him.

Another mention of Chad, another shot of birds flying away and scary music playing.

Grant says he doesn't know about all these birds, something bad is going to happen. One of them dive-bombs into the water, scary music plays and...DUN DUN DUN...COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Pelicans! As pointed out by Vinny.

Sarah shows up! From Sean's season. She wants to do this because she saw love come out of her season and she went to Jade and Tanner's wedding. Chris says "I want you to walk back up these steps an engaged woman." Sarah says "Wouldn't that be amazing? That's like my dream." Here's hoping! We're not in the business of dream crushing...

Aaaaand Daniel tries to get Vinny to rank girls. Vinny thinks Sarah is beautiful!

The twins! Uh oh, Daniel has his eye on them.

Jorge!

And now it's...Izzy? No one knows who she is. I guess she was on Ben's season? Sarah says what we're all thinking...she looks exactly like all the other girls we've seen on this show.

Izzy and Daniel go to chat. It doesn't not go well at all. Yikes. Daniel. Stop. Izzy's face is just like "...please stop. Why did I decide to talk to you?"

Lace arrives! Grant says he's pretty good at reading people, and he can already tell that Lace is a mess. But I know from promos that Grant and Lace date so...SPOILER ALERT.

Nick puts sunblock on! Good job. One of the twins points out that everyone is getting naked, and Nick says "well, that's the idea." OCEAN SEX GUYS! First episode and it's already happening. Daniel and Vinny high five. The Twins run holding hands. PARADISE.

Jared is back in Paradise! From Kaitlyn's season and last season of Paradise. Jubilee has a crush on Jared but she's a little drunk. She's trying to play it cool and wait for him to come over to their group but... UH OH Sarah and Jared are going to chat! Oh snap.

OH NO. Camera shots of alcohol not moving, birds moving their heads...and then footsteps. WHO IS IT?! Glasses falling off tables, birds freaking out...HE'S COMING! Tiger noises...camera moving in through grass, birds squawking more...the ocean....COMMERCIAL BREAK!

More shots of animals being scared. Chad has arrived! A crab heading back into it's hole. Quick shots of a bunch of people's faces to pretend like they're afraid that Chad is here.

Izzy is into Chad. Sarah is trying to pretend like Chad is maybe an ok human and Carly is sad about her thinking that. Lace is instantly into Chad, too. Aw, Chad apologized to Evan about things that happened on JoJo's season! How adult.

And now Daniel and Chad are in loooooooove. Literally everyone can see it, including Carly and one of the twins. Chad thinks everyone is hot, which is the opposite of what Daniel thinks.

Chad and Lace take a shot of alcohol. That's not white wine, Lace. You said you could only do white wine!

Chris Harrison explains how Bachelor in Paradise works. Guys have the roses this week. The twins count as one person?! WHAT THE FU. Ugh.

Nick finds a date card! Jubilee's name is on it. She asks....Jared. Which Emily is not happy about, because she wants to get to know him. Jared says yes!

Sarah gives us the breakdown of what's happening in Paradise so far: Izzy and Vinny are hitting it off, and Lace and Grant seem to have something going. Lace asks Grant if he wants to take a shot with her, so they head up to the bar and she immediately starts in on him. "You don't ask questions about me, just so you know." So she leaves him...to chat up Chad. Daniel says that they're both the crazy ones, so maybe it's a match made in heaven. Or a match made in hell?! First kiss of Paradise is Chad and Lace!

Commercial! Crab.

Lace and Chad are alternating between fighting and making out. Daniel asks Chad if Lace is the love of his life, and then they go back to making out. Sexy. Nick compares them to rats because they make a lot of babies and then bite each others heads off? They're calling each other like dogs now. Seriously? What?

Ugh there's still half an hour of this show not including commercials.

Jared and Jubilee's date! They have a room full of pinatas that they get to hit! I'm really jealous, I love hitting things. Or wait, they're just sitting down. Do they not get to hit them? And now there's a creepy ass clown...Oh good. Now they're hitting the piñatas! Yay!

Izzy and Vinny are totes dating now. Sexy. Second kiss, Izzy and Vinny! Nice hair change, Vinny. That definitely helped.

Bachelor in Paradise literally has no idea which twin is which either. No wonder they're counting them as one person.

Aaaaand now Chad and Lace have broken up. And an awkward silence covers the island. Chad is talking a bunch of shit to everyone and calling Lace a bitch. Sarah is stepping up and telling Chad what she thinks of him, and he's just a drunk monster. He tells her to keep sucking a dick. Where is security?

First tears of Paradise go to Sarah because of how much a douche Chad is being. Ughhhhhh. And now Evan is following Chad trying to "talk" to him, but Chad looks like he's going to beat him up. Now Daniel is trying to talk some sense into Chad, as his only friend on the island, and Chad comes back with "you're being so un-murdery." Actual quote, folks. Chad says he just wants to make out, and Daniel says his chances of doing that are "slim to numb."  Uh oh, now Chad is trying to fight Daniel. Daniel says he has no problem punching a friend if he has to.

CRAB! Chad falls down, drunk, and goes to sleep. Crab on his head! Aaaaand literally 30 seconds of Chad snoring.

Commercial!

More crabs! And Daniel, doing weird work out things.

Evan is wearing an extra necklace, and Chad has woken up naked.

Chris Harrison! He calls them up into...the Rose Palapa.

They're talking to Chad about how the things he said were awful - he told everyone on the staff of the hotel to suck a dick, called Sarah and Lace names, and was completely disrespectful of everyone. And how he has turned Paradise into Hell. Chris Harrison is kicking Chad out of Paradise!!!!! Chad doesn't understand that this is real. BYE CHAD. Or maybe not....

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK PARADISE!!!!

What A Mess

The aftermath of your party is still on my floor. The spot where I finally kicked off my heels is covered by my skirt. I'm not sure why that matters - it's not like that evidence would be there for anyone to see but me. If you suddenly changed your mind about things and ended up in my room, it would disappear. I'd put it away like I do with all the things that are out of place, remnants of anything amiss in my life.

The boot that someone else pulled off.

The torn corner of a blue wrapper after a risqué comment about a shower was made.

A leaf that was given as a gift when it fell off a prop flower crown.

Somehow even though none of them have anything to do with you, you're the one I can't get out of my head. And then I see my heels and my skirt and wonder why I had to take them off myself.

I've gotten the fantasy into my brain that maybe you just don't remember how good we could be. So night after night I continue to convince myself that if I can just get the right snapchat pose that could hide the exhaustion from my face, and arch my back in just the right way, maybe you'll reconsider.

And then, finally, perhaps I can pick the party pieces off my floor.

So Many Things

I can buy myself flowers. I can carry my own groceries. I can go see a show by myself. I can find my way home. I can hold my own door. I can hang my own pictures. 

I want to dance with you. I want to make dinners with you, take you to parties and laugh with you. I want to wake up next to you with a stupid grin on my face thinking of whatever crazy shenanigans we had gotten into the night before. Snuggle up with you while we think of what the day will entail.

I want you there to fight battles together. To be my partner in crime, to sneak into closed buildings for breathtaking city views. To be the backup for the riots we'll start. To make up outlandish suggestions for things that we would never do. To sing silly songs with while we make breakfast in a tiny kitchen. To laugh with when we go on a hike and my butt leaves a sweat mark when we stop to rest for too long. To send you things throughout the day just to let you know I'm thinking of you. To make stupid jokes with. To cry with when things in the news are awful. 

I don't need you there. But I want you.

Please Just Stop

Do you ever have that feeling where you just can't stop doing something? No matter how many times you tell yourself to stop, or don't do it, you still just keep doing it? I have that problem a lot.

My biggest memory of this is from when I went on an Alternative Spring Break trip to Israel in college. I had met this really great guy (it's always because of a guy, isn't it?) and we had completely hit it off. We lived across the country from each other, but we had talked about how we had such a connection that it didn't matter. We even discussed the dates we were going to go on when I came to visit him. He had my same sense of humor and a similar personality - another participant on the trip joked that we would get married and have dry, sarcastic, Jewish babies and it would be great!

Then, I got back from the trip and apparently went crazy. I texted him, emailed him, called him, and sent him a Facebook message without waiting for any sort of response. Sent him a few more messages...and then he finally responded. "I am overwhelmed by the amount of times and ways you have tried to contact me." Then something about how we should take a break from talking for awhile and how he wished me the best.

I remember getting that e-mail and feeling absolutely crushed. I probably knew that what I was doing was too much, but I was so excited and wanted to share things with him that I thought he would like that I just couldn't stop myself.

Well, I have the feeling I'm doing it again. There was someone that I was (finally) interested in, and it didn't work out. We decided we would be friends, but I have the feeling that I'm ruining it. Especially now, since there are so many more ways of contacting people - still the basic e-mail, Facebook, texting...but now there's also twitter, snapchat, and instagram. That's way too many ways to be contacted in one day. And I KNOW THAT. But I did it anyway.

This post is probably too much even, but whatever. I'm hoping that by writing this I'll finally chill out. I printed out a picture a few months ago that I have taped to my computer screen which says "Please just stop," since this seems to happen to me a lot. Hopefully it'll help.

Stuck in My Head

I try not to think about you.

But then you're standing there, next to me, close enough to touch, and it's enough to make me go crazy. 

Your shirt puckers just the tiniest bit and I can see your chest, and all I can think about is ripping it off you. 

Feeling your skin against my skin. 

Who needs clothes?

I want to stand facing you, looking at every inch of your body. And then touching every part of you. Running my hands over your shoulders, and down your back. Feeling your strong arms. Touching where your jeans usually are. Pulling your hips into mine...

Moving onto the bed, or a couch, or hell, even the floor. Moving together, in a way that we haven't yet. Fitting together like Lego pieces that might have even been glued, never coming apart. In more ways than one. 

I tell myself not to think about you. 

But I do. 

Just Start Anywhere...

I want to know what makes you tick. What buttons to push to get what reaction, what makes you smile. Why you are the way you are, and your whole history.

I want to know what moment you would recreate if you had the chance, what day you look back on as a turning point in your life, what middle of the night realizations you had when you were trying to get sleep.

I want to know what kind of family vacations you went on, what you did to keep yourself occupied, if your parents ever had to separate you and the kid sitting next to you. 

I want to know if your mom ever forced you to be friends with someone you didn't want to just because they were in your class, planned a surprise party that was ruined by a kid who couldn't keep her mouth shut. 

I want to know what you're allergic to, how you decided you didn't like the foods you do, and which ones take you back to a time and place you only barely remember. 

I want to know where you want to visit, where you've been, your favorite places. Where you carved your name in the barely dry cement, where you got yelled at by a friends parent, where you were comforted after falling off your bike. If you had a bike. 

I want to know what songs you turn to when you're sad, or lonely, or happy, or need to celebrate something. What you listen to when you're trying to escape reality.

I want to know who broke your heart first, and whose heart you broke. Who gave you your first kiss, who taught you what you liked the most, who you told you loved but really just kept around out of convenience. 

I want to know where you would run if you had the chance to toss it all and start over. If you even would.

I want to know everything. I wonder if then that would be enough.

We All Have Our Secrets

You'll never know the strange noises I make while driving. 

How when I was younger I preferred my feet covered in socks over bare. How because of that, I fell on my hardwood floors and bruised my tailbone pretty badly. 

How I identify with the most random characters on tv shows. 

How I wanted to get highlights when I was in high school, that my hairstylist promised me I could have them for graduation but I never went back to her because I was scared. 

How I skinned my knee riding a scooter. How I fell off my bike riding down a hill. 

How I chose where I went to college based on someone I didn't want to date. 

How I watch a specific episode of Gilmore Girls when I'm feeling particularly lonely. 

How listening to a certain musical used to give me an insane amount of energy. 

How I felt comfortable being me until middle school, then found it again in high school. Barely. 

How I watch Love Actually in the summer, because I think it's funny to say "all I want for Christmas is you" when it's nowhere near the right season. 

How I had my first kiss at 12, but then again right before my 16th birthday. 

How my shoulders were my favorite part of my body. 

How I feel sexiest when I'm wearing nothing but a fluffy robe and underwear, with the lights dimmed. 

How I used to not feel shy about singing, but now I am. How I wouldn't mind singing for you. 

How I was heartbroken after a boy broke up with me after 17 days in middle school. How I thought that same boy had screamed out "I love you" only the day before. 

How I had a marriage pact, but he backed out because I was getting too old. How my grandpa laughed and said he couldn't marry me anyway. 

How my last boyfriend never said he loved me.  How the boyfriend before that used saying I love you as a weapon. 

How I think that one of the scenes in Kissing Jessica Stein is one of the sexiest I've ever seen. 

How creative I can get in the shower. And out. 

Well, I guess you kind of do now. 

Sure.

I hate meditating.

When I try to concentrate on my thoughts, I just think how circular my life is. 

Oh look, it's fall again. Or winter? Who can tell with this LA weather. But it's apple baking season, the season of love, the season of sharing gloves and stolen looks and gifts for those you care about. Giving thanks that amazing people are in your life.

While I really do have some absolutely incredible people in my life, I'm alone. Sure, I have friends and family who love me, but I don't have anyone to drape my legs over while I waste time watching tv. No one to hold hands with as I do the most mundane of tasks. Missing the distraction while I bake cookies, sharing the batter to make sure it'll taste ok as we both worry about salmonella. No one to tell all the weird things I think about all day, or hear what they've thought about.

And it's fine. It's not like I'm searching for my other half, someone to complete me like I'm not a full person by myself. I am a person all on my own, and an awesome one at that. But it's hard when everywhere I look I see happy couples, love, romance, rings, hugs, kisses, or WHATEVER just in my face. 

On the other hand though...it's not like I can give my heart away. It's already on loan at the moment, and I can't quite figure out how to get it back, regardless of how hard I try. I'm sure it'll come back eventually...I'm sure that's how it works. 

I'm sure....of nothing. 

Probably eventually I'll find clarity, or I'll lower my standards, or I'll figure out some secret of the universe that'll cause me to chill out (more?) and then everything will be great. 

But until then...give me all the Kit Kats.

Tuesday Thoughts or Whatever

I already finished a carton of eggnog this season and I really want to buy another one SO I MIGHT JUST DO THAT...Next week.

You ever have a weird talent that you can't really share? Like one time I unbuttoned a guys pants with my toes, but that isn't really something I can brag about. Mostly.

Dreams suck sometimes. Last night I had a dream that I begged a guy I had a crush on to come to my birthday. Like, really subconscious? Really? Also in my dreams last night I had to verify that my fitbit was mine. And then I woke up and actually synced my fitbit with my phone. And was very confused as to why I was doing it because I literally hadn't taken any steps at all yet.

How is it possible that my jeans are still turning my hands blue after I've washed them three times? Maybe I'm just magical.

MY BIRTHDAY IS THIS FREAKING WEEK. WHAT.

I always forget how much I like pears until I'm eating one.

If you put Steve Martin and Martin Short together you get Steve Martin Short. That could be a "before and after" puzzle on Wheel of Fortune.

****

My 28th year was kind of ridiculous in the amount of changes that were thrown my way slash that I facilitated. My grandpa got sick and peaced out. My mom was diagnosed with and beat leukemia. I quit a job that was causing me a crapton of stress and unhappiness. I had a roommate decide he didn't want to live in LA anymore and found a replacement roommate who ate all my ice cream and had to take action against that. I got another roommate who is totally awesome and causes me no stress! I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years in search of...a lot of different things. I passed up a job that could've been great and longterm but knew I wouldn't be happy there. I started a different  job that introduced me to someone awesome. I learned that I'm not actually dead inside and that is both fantastic and not so great. I have a new best friend and reconnected with some other friends. I RAN A HALF MARATHON.

I dunno, man. For the most part, things are cool. I miss my grandpa, because he was the one who was always telling me to stick up for myself and I feel like maybe I've started doing that. I share an office with some pretty cool cats. I don't feel like an asshole all the time anymore...only half the time now. I get a free pizza for my birthday. Which is great, because I LOVE pizza.

So, 28, thanks for the laughs. I think I'm ready for 29 and the good times it'll bring. IT BETTER BE GOOD TIMES OR SOMEONE WILL HAVE SOME 'SPLAININ TO DO!

As If By Chance...

"It's over."

She took a deep breath that went nowhere, like she had been punched in the gut. She knew this was coming, and yet it still caught her off guard.

It had been doomed from the start. She met him in a coffee shop downtown, after deciding to venture to an area she hadn't explored before. A free afternoon, why not?

He was sitting at one of those high tables, usually reserved for people writing their screenplays on their laptops. He only had a drink and his iPad, pretending to read but really observing those around him.

He wasn't waiting for her but she sat down anyway. It didn't take long for her to become smitten. They had a quick conversation, and then she got out of there. She had a habit of putting her foot in her mouth if she talked for too long.

"I think I met someone," she texted her roommate as she walked back to the subway. "Also, he's really cute."

***

It was never planned, yet somehow they kept running into each other. The ice cream truck. The parking lot. The cupcake truck. The elevator. They seemed to bond over their love of sweets, and their dry wit. Never having time for more than a short conversation, they had to get to know each other in bursts. Exchanging cute pleasantries. "Fancy meeting you here." "A pleasure running into you again."

Finally, on one day out by the longest line they had ever seen, she asked what he was doing that weekend.

"Laundry. And probably hanging out with my girlfriend on Sunday."

Oh. So. Oh.

***

She threw herself into the online dating scene. Meeting guy after guy, hoping that she'd find someone who would pique her interest as much as he had. Instead, she met guys who offered to give up their religion for her on their first date. Guys who offered to give her a ride to the airport without knowing her last name. Guys who said "I'll miss you," after their third date. Guys who said "my parents are in town this weekend, I'd love for you to meet them." She kept trying.

Another pizza date. He struggled to ask her about herself, instead telling story after story about himself and his friends that she didn't know, but she didn't care. She didn't have much to say. She was too busy thinking of him.

***

They continued to run into each other, eventually making plans to get lunch. They found out they were reading the same book. He was about to finish the book, it was taking her a little longer to get through it. She suggested some other books for him to check out that she thought he would like, not expecting him to look them up.

They met up for ice cream, and he told her he had started a book she suggested. Secretly pleased, they switched topics to television. Turns out they were watching the same show, again with him close to finishing, her a little behind. She took a chance and invited him to come watch the end with her. "I can do that."

***

They ordered pizza. Made cookies. Watched tv and movies. Drank whiskey. Talked about light things, foods they liked, places they went shopping, concerts they had gone to. What had inspired their first email addresses. Their siblings, their parents, where their next vacations were planned. Time passed easily.

As she walked him to the door, she wrestled with what to say. "I wish I was yours." "I know."

***

She again tried to distract herself. Went to a party. Went to a lot of parties. Went to a bar. Went somewhere far away. Rekindled a romance that had never fully played itself out, invited him to share her hotel room. It just gave her more clarity. She didn't want this. She wanted him. "I really like him. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it."

***

(For an alternate ending, see below)

She threw herself into making plans with friends, spending time with family, working. Redecorating her apartment. Going to the gym. Anything to distract her. She tried to talk to him less. It didn't work, she knew it had to be all or nothing. She asked if they could meet up. They went to the coffee shop where they had first met. Came to an agreement. Decided it was better for both of them.

"Is there a way to un-meet someone?" she texted her roommate as she hopped back on the subway.

THE END





***ALTERNATE ENDING FOR HALLOWEEN***

She threw herself into making plans with friends, spending time with family, working. Redecorating her apartment. Going to the gym. Anything to distract her. She tried to talk to him less. It didn't work. So she worked out a way to get closer to him. Found out where he lived. Followed him on his weekly hikes. He didn't leave the apartment much, outside of working, so she sat in the bushes, just waiting for him to come out. Tried to look inconspicuous.

And then she found her opportunity. He ordered from the corner Thai place, just like he did every Tuesday. She managed to talk the Thai delivery guy into letting her deliver it - he was just a teen and couldn't have cared less. She took the food up to his apartment, and he was shocked to see her there. He invited her in, confused. "I was in the area, thought I'd stop by and see what you were up to." They sat for a little while, her watching him eat. She asked if he had plans that night. He hadn't. He seemed a little on edge. Or maybe her energy was rubbing off on him. She was almost electric, knowing what was coming. He asked if she was ok, offered her a glass of whiskey. She asked if she could get a glass of water from the kitchen. He pointed the way, and she went.

They continued having a mundane conversation, her asking about his apartment. She asked if she could see the fire escape. She had always been fascinated by these old buildings with fire escapes, and here was one up close. They went out and stood there, taking in the cool air that was finally here. "Summer sure did take it's sweet time, didn't it?" She leaned over the edge, breathing in. He was standing further away than she would've liked. "Come join me," she beckoned. He started leaning next to her, trying to imitate her body language. "You know, I never thought I'd get a chance to be here with you," she started. "I've imagined it at least a million times. My imagination doesn't even compare to the real thing." He leaned in, and whispered "I'm happy you're here." She did a quick giggle, completely out of character for her. "Sorry," she said. "Nerves." He didn't mind. They both stood up, trying to move closer to each other. But he stood up too quickly and lost his balance. He was holding on to the edge of the fire escape, and she couldn't believe her luck. She grabbed his hands, and quietly whispered, "I'm sorry. But if I can't have you, no one can." His hands were losing grip, and then all at once they completely slipped. His eyes widened as he fell to his death. She began to cry softly, mourning what would never be. And then, as if a stroke of genius hit her, she jumped over the edge too, so they could be together forever.

THE END

COLD HARD FACTS - Bachelor in Paradise Week 4 Night 1

What happened when we last left Paradise? I don't even remember. Joe and JJ were going to fight. Oh snap.

CAUTION: CRABS EVERYWHERE. They're so creepy. Look at their eyes. Girls scream. More crabs.

Chris Harrison reading his own book and Jorge the bartender!

Ok, back to real life. JJ is mad at Joe, and Jared's just like "dude. chill." Tenley comes to check out what's going on. We rehash what's been going on the last couple episodes about Joe and Sam and the deception of Juelia. "Hey Joseph. OR WHAT"

Crabs.

Joe is venting to Jorge. Joe reminds everyone about how Sam and Joe talked before the show.

JJ offers to give Juelia his rose and she says no. That's so nice! He's really trying to redeem his image. Good job, yo.

SNAKE!

Joe and Sam are talking about how everything with them was figured out before the show. Joe's worried that everyone keeps talking to him about it and just wants it to be over, and Sam's tells him he needs to relax and that she doesn't care what anybody else thinks. They're in looooooove. And it'll work out. PARADISE! Sam says not to worry about it. And then she kisses him but makes the "MWAH" sound and that sounds real fake. COOL. Joe's like "damn, I like you so much." Sam giggles. 

Cocktail party! Kirk is wearing suspenders and that's super adorable.

Chris Harrison! Three women are going home tonight.

Joe and Samantha try to smooth over what's happening but they have contradictory stories and they're not telling the whole truth. Everyone can see through their lies! Juelia asks Joe if his plan was to come here and deceive her just to get to Sam, and Sam interrupts and is like "I think...I think..." And then Clare is like "STOP TALKING AND LET JUELIA FINISH." Clare is over your shit, Sam. "Supposably she's your friend so like...what's the deal?" Tanner's like "Can you guys just admit that you talked before you got here so we can all forget about this?" And Sam says "Nope. I'm not going to admit that because it didn't happen." COME ON ALREADY.

Tanner's like "I'm out dudes. I'm done with this convo." And then a bunch of other people follow. And then they go and continue the conversation, just in a different location. "I would love to admit that, but I only admit the truth. YOU DON'T KNOW ME" ok Sam, we get it. You're like the magical sitar from Moulin Rouge, only broken.

Ashley I and Jared go talk. She super wants him to kiss her. They sit there awkwardly, and I'm like "I totes know that feel bro." Ashley's like YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY WHY CAN'T WE MAKE OUT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVVVVVER. I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU" And he's like "ok fine I guess I can kiss you after you tell me you have a crush on me." He really had to psych himself up for the kiss. 

Going into the rose ceremony, these are the people who are up in the air:

Clare

Juelia

Megan

Ashley S

Amber

JJ

Dan

Tenley goes to try and campaign for JJ to give his rose to Juelia. No one knows that he already offered it to her and she said no! Megan tells JJ that she had a great time on their date. JJ told Tenley that Megan doesn't seem like she wants to kiss him! OH NOES.

Juelia doesn't want a sympathy rose, so she goes to talk to Chris and tells him how she feels played by Joe. She said that if she had known what was going to happen with Joe, she would have given her rose to Mikey. She tells Chris that it would be GREAT if Mikey could come back so he could have another chance in Paradise, with her. Chris says that what she's asking is unprecedented. SO I GUESS WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!!!!

ROSE CEREMONY!!

Tenley says this could be one of the most dramatic rose ceremonies of Paradise, and we're all wondering why she stole Chris Harrison's line.

GUYS HAND OUT THE ROSES!

Joshua picks...Tenley. Who looks really pretty in a black and white dress!

Jared picks...Ashley I.

Kirk picks...Carly! DUH. SO CUTE.

Tanner picks...Jade.

JJ picks...Ashley S. Who is like "what? I'm not accepting that. No. Ok. No. Ok. Thank you." And then JJ gives a war hero speech because he's in love with someone at home! He talks about how he didn't think he could feel anything, how his insides were calcified, and his heart was frozen and cold. Ouch. That sucks. And he's outta here! JJ we love you! You're a hero! Good job! I hope she still likes him.

Joe picks...Samantha. Duh. Ugh.

Dan picks...a few minutes to talk to Carly. Chris comes and tells them it's time, so Dan picks.....Amber! He goes for love!

Bye Clare. Bye Megan. Bye Juelia. Wait! Hello...Mikey?! Mikey's back! And Juelia gets to stay! This place is crazy.

Joe sees Mikey and he just looks VERY worried. Montage of everyone else saying "I'm so glad you're back." Joe says in his interview "I think Juelia being back here is great." Producer says "Your face doesn't look happy." Joe says "My face never looks happy." RUH ROH. DRAMATIC MUSIC. Sam's like "I'm over it. Never dealt with this much drama in my entire life." Newsflash: you're the reason it's happening, Sam!

Everyone is like "ugh ok time to go to bed." And then a date card arrives! Tanner! Tanner and Jade are going on a date to Tequila! They then hack at an agave plant to help with making tequila! 

Jorge tells Joe that Sam totally likes him because of the smile that she has on her face. We all vomit. Sam tells us that she's definitely still into Joe. And that she's here for him.

OH NO SOMEONE NEW IS HERE. It's Nick from Ashley's season. Chris gives him a date card! Nick says "love and drama down here?" And Chris says "drama, right that way!" Aw Chris, come on, there's SOME love down there. Just not surrounding Sam. Or Joe.

Nick introduces himself to everyone, then reads his date card. He asks Samantha! WHAT! Joe is freaking out. Nick and Samantha talk. Joe looks very very worried, and everyone is quite excited at the prospect of Sam dumping Joe just like he did to Juelia. But after they talk, Sam comes back and says that they are not going on the date. OH SNAP. Nick is shocked, because apparently they had ALSO talked before coming to Paradise, and she told him she'd say yes. He did ask for drama!

Mikey asks Nick why he wanted to go with Sam, and Nick tells Mikey that he and Sam had been talking for a few months, that they had seen each other when he came to LA, and they had just been in contact. WHAT. DRAMA. SAM. Why are you talking to everyone?! I mean, I guess that's fine. Do what you want. But don't lead everyone on! Mikey gives Nick the rundown of what all has happened with the Sam and Joe saga. So now Nick has to figure out what he's going to do!

Nick decides to ask Ashley S! She says yes. They're going to a private island! They can't go to the island because of  a hurricane. So now Ashley and Nick are going to have to figure something else out!

Back to Jade and Tanner's date. They're drinking tequila. And now they get a card that says "Here's your fantasy suite! ENJOY SEXY TIME LOVE, CHRIS" So they head to the hotel!

Big crab thing! And a pelican! Or some other bird. YOU GUYS I STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED WHAT ANIMALS ARE.

Back to Nick and Ashley's date. Where they cheers at least six times. So much tequila! They're drunk. "It's five o'clock, I guess, all the time." says Ashley. And now they're getting a massage! Together but separate. Yeah, oil them bodies up. There's a bird in the tree and it starts talking to Ashley! The bird is telling her to put her hand on his bulge. Which they keep showing us. A lot. So now Ashley and Nick are making out! They're oily. And kissing. Now they're in a hot tub. Drinking more. Ashley and Nick are both super drunk. More kissing. Ashley falls down a little bit. Ashley comes up with a toast where she says "Cheers to the fact that I will always be here as a sister for you." WHAT. Nick is like, uh, that's weird because we kissed. Cheers to I like you, how about that? Ashley's like..."I wouldn't kiss a sister. I don't even have a sister." It's basically an amazing conversation and I'm sure everyone is so happy it's filmed so we can relive that glorious moment over and over. CHEERS.

Jade and Tanner and have a SERIOUS TALK about their future. Tanner is falling for Jade. He wants Jade to be his girlfriend! And she's like "what are you afraid I'm going to do to you?" Which is a valid question. He's worried that he's going to leave sad, but in love with her, and he doesn't know what's going to happen. First she doesn't say anything other than "I get it." Then after a little while, she opens up too! She reassures him that she's right there with him and she feels the same way. Yay! Another Kirk and Carly in the making! Super cute. And they're officially boyfriend and girlfriend. ANOTHER COUPLE. HURRAY. OK CAMERAS GET OUT OF THE ROOM SO THEY CAN MAKE SOME WHOOPIE.

BUTTERFLY!

Ashley and Nick are looking for water. They're a leeeeettle bit hungover, perhaps from all the tequila they drank? Who knows though.

Joe and Sam are hanging out on a lounge chair. Joe tells her that he might have something special planned for her. It's his birthday!! He thinks things are going well with her, so he decides to stir the pot and asks if there's anyone that she wants to go on a date with besides him. She says no, but is not quite convincing. Now he's questioning everything, asking her "why me?" Ughhhhh Joe. Now he's worried because there's something on her mind and he's like, just tell me! And she says "I've been honest with everything I've said." UGHHHHHHH. Sam goes upstairs to shower and do her hair, and Joe follows her up there. Like a puppy. Shoo, Joe. Sam says she's not sure what to make of everything with him being made out not to be a good person, and Joe's like "that's what I was afraid of! BUT YOU MADE ME DO THIS RAWWWWR HULK SMASH" Sam tries to tell him that everything is ok, and Joe's like "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if it is." Sam wears the pants in this relationship. Then Sam continues to do her hair, Joe goes away. I'm so sick of these two.

Joshua offers Joe a hug, and then dries himself off from the pool like he's a five year old. Boogie boogie. Joe talks to Amber about how he just overthinks things a lot and that's why he's single at 29. Yes Joe, THAT'S why you're single.

A commercial for Hershey's Kisses! I want one!

Waves crash! Crabs! That one was pretty. Purple and yellow.

Mikey asks Jared if he's over Kaitlyn, and Jared says no, not fully. UH OH. ASHLEY what are you going to do?! Sadness. Sounds like Jared and Ashley are going to have a serious talk. What a bummer. He tells Ashley that he wants her to experience paradise, and she's not interested in that. She's here for him. Then it starts raining. OH NO. REAL LIFE. Jared is so sweet. Ashley says "Don't you think your mind is just not here?" What? Ok. Sure. He's still into Kaitlyn! Finally, Ashley's just like "...please go away. I can't talk to you anymore. Since I'm crying. I can't talk and cry. Go." SADFACE.

Lots of Ashley crying. Ouch. Then somehow Ashley calls Kaitlyn? What?

THUNDER RUMBLES.

Joe sets up a birthday celebration for himself and Samantha. This is so sad. Then Joe asks if everything is ok, and Sam does that thing where it's like "oh this is so awkward for you, everything is over" but without saying anything. Then she starts talking and says that she's never had so many emotions in her life, and that he's a nice guy but there's too much drama so she's outtie 5000. (Or is it audi 5000? I just read a buzzfeed article about Clueless and now my whole life is turned upside down.) Even though it's HER fault that Joe looks so bad and there's all this drama. Anyway. They break up. And it's Joe's birthday. RIP RELATIONSHIP. Joe doesn't throw the cake. Oh well.

Sam tells the group that she and Joe broke up, and everyone is like "WELL THAT WAS QUICK." Whoops! Joe goes and talks to Joshua and tells him that he's totally going to take Sam down, because everything was her idea. HE HAS THE TEXT MESSAGES, GUYS. UH OH. He's going to show America what she did.

How will SAM ever live with herself after AMERICA knows?! How will the rest of the Bachelor in Paradise crew deal with it once they know about Sam's scheming and Joe's innocence?! FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE.

JOE IS STILL THE WORST - Bachelor in Paradise Week 3 Night 2

CHRIS HARRISON CALLS JOE AN ASSHOLE IN THE OPENING!!! Awesome.

SNAKE.

Juelia, Jade, and Samantha sit down to have a conversation about how shady Joe is. Jade says that Joe didn't give Juelia the respect she deserves, and that they don't want Sam to get disrespected. Because that's what friends DO. They look out for each other and make sure the dudes they're with aren't dickbags. Juelia starts giving Samantha the rundown of what happened, and Samantha stops her midway through and says "wait, hold up. I think Joe should be here so he can defend himself." Which. What. No. I would trust my friend over some dude. Samantha, come on. Also, Samantha looks like she's on something in her interview. So she's probably cracked out.

"Everything is fine. Nothing's weird." - tales from a delusional sociopath's scheming girlfriend, Samantha

BIG LIZARD! It eats a plant.

Juelia talks to Clare and Ashley I about how Samantha took hearing about Joe. Juelia tells them and they're like "WHAT! GIRLFREEEEN'! She's trippin." Clare says "With friends like that, you don't need enemies" and now I'm wondering who gave Clare books?

Joe and Samantha are now talking about what Juelia said. Joe says that he only wanted to pursue Samantha, and now he's making out with her cheek? I don't get it.

Jared and Tanner talk about how Joe was a saint on Kaitlyn's season, and how he was the best, and now he's turned into Public Enemy Number One. Tanner tells Jared that they're both in on it, and Jared's like "yeah, that's how it looks." Tanner corrects him and says "NO! They ARE both in on it. I've seen the screenshots!" Tanner says that Sam sent Joe a text saying "Do whatever it takes to stay until I arrive." SO basically they're scamming the show. How did the producers not know about this beforehand? RATINGS. Tanner didn't want to intervene but was thinking that maybe Joe isn't a sociopath and had developed real feelings for Juelia buuuuut NOPE.

Jared and Tanner go tell Joe that he needs to tell everyone that he talked to Sam before the show and that they know he lied to Jared's face. Joe says "no, you asked if I had ever met her."  Sure Joe. Whatever you need to tell yourself to make you believe your lies. Samantha then kicks everyone out, and tells Joe what she said in her interview, and now what he should say in the interview when they ask him about talking to her to make sure they've got their stories straight. He's like "I already answered their questions, so...." and she's like DAMMIT JOE YOU'RE AN IDIOT. These guys are real on top of their intelligent game, they're totally going to win Paradise. OH WAIT. And Samantha shuts the door on the camera guy.

Dan and Ashley broke up, which is very sad. 

AMBER shows up! She was from Chris's season. She's here to meet Dan! Ashley S is super excited to see Amber, and she says that seeing Amber "lit her face up." Amber comes in with a date card (of course), and she asks Dan. Dan says that he wants to go, but he wants to talk to her first. Ashley S comes into her interview and is really sad, but then smiles. She loves Amber! But she's sad! Because she loves Dan! Love triangle even though Dan and Ashley broke up? Maybe not. I don't know shapes.

Dan tells Amber that he and Ashley S were together but they kind of broke up, so he wants to talk to Ashley before he says yes. He then pulls Ashley aside, and she is not happy about it. She's bummed because he's been avoiding her all day, instead of coming to talk to her and saying that he wasn't interested anymore. But he's NOT not interested, he's just trying to figure out his feelings! And now Amber is here, and he's going to try that out with her. PARADISE! Sexy times?

They're reminding us of the couples in the house now:

Jade and Tanner

Kirk and Carly

Tenley and Joshua

Ashley I and Jared, I guess. Ashley says "you look really hot right now, so I'm going to run away." That's life guys!

JJ and Megan are on their date! Megan asks JJ if this is the first time he's been to Mexico. He says that he's been to Cabo for spring break. And then he asks if Megan has been to Mexico, and she says no, and then he's like "Oh wait, you went to Albuquerque that one time!" And she laughs and doesn't understand that he's making fun of her. (On Chris's season she thought New Mexico was part of Mexico. "I've never left the country before!" or something like that. BRAINS) They jump in the ocean and she says "This is the quickest I've ever been wet on a first date." HEY-O. JJ says that he enjoys her beautiful blue eyes, and her other assets. Camera zooms to her boobs. Thanks for helping us out with that one, we weren't sure what he was talking about.

DOLPHINS!

Dan and Amber leave on their date! Juelia and Ashley S cuddle. Ashley cries. Joe and Samantha are sitting on the floor like Ashley I did when she peed in the ocean. Gross. Ashley S and Juelia are in love. Friends. Ashley goes to play with the birds! And she flirts with them. Cute. Everyone is worried about her because she's brought back her crazy. That's what happens when you break up. Or is it?

Amber and Dan are on their date. Creepy strangers follow them and say "KISS! KISS! KISS!" So they do. And then the strangers yell "AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!" So they do. Again. Fireworks! Literally, in the sky. And in the air? They get to dinner. Dan tells Amber that there was something between him and Ashley and there wasn't something that he could see with her outside of Paradise. Then Dan and Amber kiss again. Then Dan says "I don't know what kind of future we have, buuuuuuuut we're having fun!"

Tanner is getting real serious about the fact that Joe lied straight to Jared's face about talking to Samantha before Paradise. Tanner and Jared are filling JJ in after his date with Megan so he can get up to date on all the DRAMA! Because what is Paradise if someone is left out from everything? JJ calls him the Vil of the Vils. OH SNAP. When JJ thinks you've done something wrong...it's like...ouch. JJ thinks Joe should give away his rose to someone who deserves to stay and that Joe and Sam should just run away to a hotel somewhere. DO IT. GET OUT OF MY FACE HOLES.

JJ goes to confront Joe, and Joe is like STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT THIS SHIT. Joe says "that's between myself and whoever decides me." JJ looks understandably confused because Joe, what the heck did you just say? JJ asks if he was here for one person, and Joe says "No, I was just here for Samantha." And again everyone is confused. Now Joe is justifying his terrible treatment of Juelia. UGH. JOE. 

Joe then insults JJ. Jared reminds Joe that he had lied straight to his face. Joe is like "whatEVER guys. Leave me alone! UGH." Joe and JJ get into semantics about what he said. JJ compares Joe to his little brother and the shit that he pulls. Joe compares JJ to his sister and says she's way more intelligent than he is. JJ calls Joe a circular reference and YES WE GET IT LET'S MOVE ON SOMEONE JUST PLEASE PUNCH JOE ALREADY. Joe tries to say that what he did is the same as what Jared did and it's like HOW DARE YOU. Jared is a good guy, not a scumbag like YOU.

Jared asks the question we've all been wondering: "What planet am I on, where I would have came into paradise thinking I like JJ better than Joe right now?" Sounds like we all need therapy.

Joe and JJ get in each other's faces! DRAMATIC MUSIC! OH NO. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Nope. Joe walks away. Dammit. JJ, you were so close. JJ yells from Joe to come back so they can duke it out like real men. Joe just looks dumb. JJ says he wants to make Joe look like the hillbilly he is and give him four missing teeth. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!!!!!!!????

TO BE CONTINUED! 

What Does a Red Flag Look Like? BACHELOR IN PARADISE Week 3 Night 1

OH NO GUYS. WHAT'S HAPPENING.

When we last left off...

We were in the middle of a rose ceremony. Clare ran away because waaaaaaahhhhhh nobody is looking for love!

OH MY GOSH WE'RE GOING TO MEET JORGE THE BARTENDER THIS EPISODE. That's like the most exciting news I've had in weeks. Also Chris is still reading his own book.

Chris Harrison goes after Clare to see why she's crying. She needs to pull it together! The girls have the roses, so she can just choose whoever! Chris tells her she's only been here a week and she hasn't given love a chance. Good job Chris! Tell her to get her ass back in here so she can give her rose to a dude so they can stay. "Clare wasn't feeling well for a minute." Sure.

And now back to the rose ceremony! Before we left, Jade picked Tanner, Carly picked Kirk, Ashley S picked Dan, Tenley picked Joshua.
And now:
Ashley I picks...Jared!
Clare picks...JJ! Because she has no chemistry with Mikey and he still hasn't figured it out.
Juelia picks...Joe. And we all yell at our screens like we're watching a horror movie, BECAUSE WE ARE. Bye Jonathan, bye Mikey, bye Michael G. We'll miss you.

Juelia is feeling excited and hopeful about Joe. She's already feeling like if they end up together she would be totally ok with moving. Juelia! You're moving way too fast! Joe is looking forward to when Samantha will arrive.

OH NO ANOTHER BIG ASS LIZARD.

And now...Samantha has gotten here. Chris says no one remembers her. OH WELL. She's planning on making herself known in Paradise. She also says she's looking for a good guy. So how does Joe fit in?

Juelia is really excited to see Samantha because they were friends on Chris's season. Samantha obviously comes down with a date card. "Do I pick now or...?" Tenley asks if she has an idea of who she wants and she immediately says "I'm going to pick YOU" to Joe. He gets this stupid look on his face like "THE SCHEME IS WORKING." Samantha asks if she can talk to Joe, and they go walk away so she can ask him on a date for a second time? Didn't she already ask him? Just now? Seriously, for this being the second time around on a dating show for both of them, they suck. Although I guess Samantha didn't get very far so she doesn't really know how it works...

Juelia isn't sure why Samantha picked Joe right off the bat. Samantha asks Joe if he's gone on any dates or made any connections and he said he went on a date with Juelia but no real connection. BOO. Juelia tells Carly that she can't even compete with Samantha because she's a perfect specimen, and Carly reminds her that it's not about that, it's about the connection. THE CONNECTION.

Back at the dining room table, Jared calls Joe a dog because he said yes to the date. Jared asks if Joe talked to Sam before the show started, and Joe says no. Joe's like "WHY, you think I couldn't have gotten a date just because she got here and decided she liked me?" Yeah, basically, you super gross dude. Jared backtracks and says that he just heard that, that's why. Tanner says "I hope he doesn't hurt Juelia." Jared says "Have fun! She's a beautiful girl. OH ALSO YOU SHOULD TALK TO JUELIA BEFORE YOU GO." Everyone stares Joe down because he is totally not going to do that. Joe and Sam walk up to the group holding hands, and everyone is just like "THAT IS SO MESSED UP." Joe didn't talk to Juelia before he left, like the gross asshole that he is. I get that this is what Paradise is about, seeing what's out there, but like, if you get asked on a date right after you've been hanging out with someone else, the DECENT thing to do is to go talk to the person you went on a date with before. UGH. I HATE JOE.

Juelia says that Joe seems very comfortable holding Sam's hand after they just met 15 minutes ago. Samantha laughs as they walk away to their date. UGH.

I've never welcomed a commercial break more. Gimme those ads!

And now Joe and Sam are taking sexy pictures. They're getting into really sexy poses and it's making me feel sick. The pictures look pretty good but I hate them. So I don't want to talk about them anymore. EW THEY KISS AND IT'S SO GROSS.

Juelia is thinking about how Joe was campaigning last night before the rose ceremony where he was defending his honor, and how she had to fight through that and trust him. She thinks that she should tell Samantha about their history so that Sam can make an informed decision about Joe. If I was Sam and my friend came to me and told me how the guy I was dating (let's use that term loosely here) played me, I would NOT be interested in that guy anymore. But who knows, Joe is manipulative enough that maybe Sam won't care! I guess we'll find out when they get back from their super gross date. This intercutting of Juelia crying and Sam laughing is heartbreaking though. I feel so bad for Juelia!

Joe and Sam get back from their date holding hands and she's holding flowers. And then he asks Jared if he wants a shrimp quesadilla. Because that is very relevant to this world. Now they're describing their date, and the difference between Joe describing his date with Sam and describing his date with Juelia is like night and day. He's not even being respectful of Juelia right now and it's really rude. Juelia leaves the table. Good job, lady.

Jared tells Joe again that he needs to talk to Juelia. Juelia doesn't want it to be awkward. Jared tells Joe that he knows that Joe didn't use Juelia for the rose. Joe smirks and Jared's like SHUT UP NO YOU DI'INT and Joe steals JJ's line that he's just trying to Vil. Jared tells him that that isn't what he's doing and he NEEDs to go talk to her. Then Joshua tells Joe he needs to talk to her. So finally after a long time he's like UGH FINE. He goes to talk to Juelia and they settle nothing. Joe doesn't even look in the same direction as Juelia, and he's clearly wasted. "OK GOOD TALK, K BYE"

Clare goes to make a phone call home, and gets her buddy the raccoon! You guys he's so cute. He's telling her all about everything that's happening, and she's super into it. And she's telling him, too. Crabs! Not a euphemism because she's not getting any. And then he hangs up on her. Because he's a raccoon and they don't know how to say bye.

Carly and Jade are talking about how there's super sexual chemistry between Carly and Kirk. And she wants to GET. IT. ON. Kirk is super cute. #sorrykirksmom. Carly wants to know what Kirk is waiting for in terms of hooking up...I think maybe she forgot there are cameras everywhere? DATE CARD! Joshua is taking forever to read it, even Jorge the Bartender wants to know what it says! And it's for CARLY! She instantly attacks Kirk. YAY. Choose a man to light your fire! "He already did."

Ashley S talks to Jorge the bartender about Dan! Jorge thinks Dan is a good guy. Then Juelia joins in the conversation about how good of a guy Dan is. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO? I can't take the suspense. Aaaaand now Jade is talking to Dan about how taxing "out of character" moments are. So she became a human and now he's not interested? Ok. Sure. But at least he's going to talk to her and figure it out. Is another girl going to come in for Dan to talk to? Probably. PARADISE.

Chris Harrison is waiting for someone to come down the stairs. Megan! From Chris's season. She thought that New Mexico was a different country. I guess her suitcase was lost so she's wandering around Mexico trying to buy new clothes. And instead of putting them in a bag she's wearing all of them at once.

Kirk and Carly's date! They have a nice, romantic dinner. She points out fires! Get it? Fires? And today is her brother's wedding so she thinks there is a special significance there. "My brother is getting married and this is my first real date with Kirk, so it's like we're both starting our romantic journey at the same time!" Almost, but not quite. I hope she really finds love here though, otherwise...missing your brother's wedding? That sucks. They start having a serious conversation about their big picture, and more of what they're looking for. Kirk talks about how it takes a long time for him to admit he's in a relationship, and Carly comments on how this was more like a rocket. Which it was, they've been together since night one! Adorbs, though. Kirk tells us he might be uneasy with this relationship and he has to figure out if it's right. BUT THEY'RE SO CUTE.

Ashley S and Dan go to have a chat. Ashley tells him that she feels like they have a really good connection and that they had an advantage because they went to the hospital. That's kiiiind of true, since they had a bunch of hours to really hang out without the cameras. Dan talks about how Paradise is so intense and that it brings out a lot of things, both good and bad, in everyone. Dan tells Ashley that he's been thinking about what he really wants, and whether their personalities mesh up, and Ashley looks shocked. She tells him that she's only here for him, and if he doesn't want her then basically why should she stick around? She isn't looking for anyone else. Which is pretty smart, if you have a connection with someone that you think is going really well, and then all of a sudden you don't anymore, would you even be ready to meet someone else in the next day or two? Like, yes, this is Paradise and not real life, but still. They're not robots. (Except for Joe.)

Carly tells Kirk how today has been hard for her because her brother is getting married today in Ireland. IRELAND! Dang. (Her brother was on Desiree's season too.) Carly calls her brother in Ireland to tell him about the one on one date. After that call, Kirk decides he's all in, so Kirk and Carly go to the hotel and order a fantasy suite! SEXY TIMES. "We'd like one fantasy suite, please!" FIREWORKS. BYE CAMERAS! SEE YA!

CRAB!

Megan finally found her way to Paradise! She offers Chris her "sobrero," where he immediately tells her that she's not pronouncing it right. Chris don't got time for your shit, Megs. Megan then says "ALOHA MEXICO!" She gets a date card. During her interview she gets distracted by a crab, that she just stares at. "I see it's eyes!" AND THEN IT GETS EATEN BY ANOTHER CRAB. OMG. WHAT.

She takes her date card and tries to read it. "Choose a man, and get lista for your first cita." She tries to decipher it, and determines that lista means first and cita means date. At least she's pretty.

Dan decides that he's going to try and go for Megan. Because going from crazy to lower intelligence seems like a good plan, I guess? Megan is interested in Dan and JJ, so she has to decide who she'll take on the date.

ANOTHER CRAB. ROOSTER CROWS.

Carly and Kirk are awake! They definitely lit each other's fire. HEY-O. SEXY TIMES. He says she's like a pinball machine. What?

Megan has made her decision for who she's going to take. She has decided that she's not going to go for another douchebag, because every other relationship she's been in she's been cheated on and lied to. So she picks....JJ! The only guy who has OPENLY ADMITTED to CHEATING on his ex-wife. Good going, Megan. She wakes him up from a dead sleep to ask if he'll go. Dan is bummed that Megan chose JJ. Oh well. Ashley is happy that she didn't. DRAMA.

Ugh more Joe and Samantha. She looks like Ursula (from Little Mermaid) when she's in her human form. Gross. Lots of filming of them making out in the hot tub. Intercut with Juelia crying and feeling sad because Joe just completely played her. Such a dick. And her talking to her daughter saying she misses her. And now Samantha is giving him a handy in the jacuzzi! GROSSSSSSSSSSSSS PLEASE DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE GO IN THERE. Chlorine is sterilizing but still, EW. OH NO THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE OTHER POOL RIGHT NOW GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS I HATE JOE

This is the worst.

Dan says he wants to beat the shit out of Joe. AGREED. Everyone is asking Joe if he and Samantha had talked to each other before this. Now he's changing his story and saying that they had. Jared is now confronting Joe and saying that everyone feels bad for Juelia and they all feel like Joe played Juelia. This is getting repetitive. Everyone is saying that Joe played Juelia, Joe is denying it, but it's obviously true.

Dan offers to bring Joe over to Juelia so that they can have a conversation about how Joe played Juelia. Joe doesn't want to go over and talk to Juelia. He feels like he already talked this whole thing to death and that it's over. Everyone should mind their own business. MAYBE THEY WOULD, JOE, IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A DICK AND YOU HADN'T PLAYED THE NICEST PERSON IN THE HOUSE. Finally, Dan gets Joe to go with him, where Juelia tells him how she feels and how his actions were less than genuine. She also says that Mikey and Jonathan specifically told her that he was waiting for Samantha, and Joe cuts her off and says that her conversations didn't happen. COME ON. It's like having a conversation with a sociopath. You can't get straight answers out of him because he's not a good person. UGH. Finally Juelia says the conversation is over, and decides that she's going to tell Samantha everything that has happened so she can make a judgement. Joe gets very nervous and can't finish a sentence because he's so worried!

Juelia, Jade, and Samantha get up to go talk! Joe is worried that he's going to lose the best girl he's ever had! Uh oh! DRAMA!

OH NO IT CONTINUES TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111oneoneone