It's the Start of Something NEW

So let's talk about real life for a second, guys. (Yes, the title is a High School Musical reference.)

This year has been nuts. My mom was diagnosed with Leukemia in January. My grandfather passed away in April. In the past few months, I have completely turned my life upside down. I quit my job, I broke up with my boyfriend, and I politely asked my roommate to get the fuck out of my apartment.

Is it that I'm getting close to 30? Is that why I'm making all these changes? Is it the alignment of the planets? Is it just because I'm growing up and I'm realizing that life is too short for the small things that make up the big picture to cause so much unhappiness? Who knows. The fact is, it happened, it's happening, life is life.

So! I joined some dating apps. Tinder, of course. 

Jswipe. 

Coffee Meets Bagel. 

Clover. 

Hinge. 

Happn. 

I tried to sign up for an app called "Align" which introduces you to people that you astrologically match with, but it wouldn't open on my phone. A SIGN FROM THE GODS.

So here I am, just trying to meet some folks, and figure out what I'm doing, where my place is on this planet, and really, what the point is of all this. 

I decided to continue to document my experiences and just sort of keep track of everything. Because I am in the generation of NO SECRETS. Let me just THROW my life in your face so you know what's going on! Why not, right? Stick around, who knows what might happen!

LET'S RUFFLE SOME FEATHERS! Bachelor in Paradise episode 1B!

AND SO WE CONTINUE...

We start with an amazingly cheesy 80's opening credit sequence. I love it. CHRIS HARRISON IS READING HIS OWN BOOK. So good.

Back to reality...there's lightning! And crabs! And now...Clare has arrived! Tenley is excited to see her, which is adorbs.

Clare comes down with a date card, and she has to pick a guy to go with her on her first date. But she asks the girls who is already paired off, which is nice of her. She thinks that maybe she'll ask Dan, but then we find out that Dan went with Ashley S to the emergency room!

Ashley S: Oh my gosh, it's like my birthday! French fries.

Clare is bummed because everyone is paired up, so she tells Mikey that she has no options. SHE TELLS MIKEY. So she's stuck with Mikey and JJ. Clare decides that her best course of action is to tell a crab what's going on. I wonder if the raccoon and the crab are friends? Maybe they'll go talk to each other later. Clare is sad and doesn't know why the guys don't want to go on a date with her, but also...she hasn't asked anyone yet? So...there's that. Good job. The crab runs away in fear.

Clare feels like she's creeping on people's convos and relashee's. (Conversations and relationships. COOL ABBREVS, CLARE.) The crab hides again.

Mikey asks Clare if she wants to go for a walk and Clare is like totes. Even though she's not into him. He tells her he wants to go out with her and she's like...yeah.....ok, fine. They head out and walk into a man and woman with their crotches touching. Partner yoga! Sexy. Mikey looks terrified, and Clare looks like WHY. Tantric yoga on a first date! "I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO RUB PRIVIES WITH MIKEY ON OUR FIRST DATE!" Circus music, so obviously this isn't going to last. SEXY! Mikey makes a bunch of awkward sexual jokes and now even I'm uncomfortable.

Clare tells Mikey that she's really open to meeting everyone and so she doesn't want it to be more than it is. Mikey responds with "let's make out" because he wasn't listening. Clare turns him down and says she wants to meet everyone else first, and Mikey comes to his interview and tells us that their feelings are mutual and they're totally in love. So Mikey and Ashley I are the same, basically...they have conversations with the people they're interested in and hear things that don't happen! Real life, guys.

Everyone is in the water doing gymnastics. They're so talented! Tenley comes to the pool all dressed, and everyone is like "what are you doing? Why are you dressed? Aren't we in Paradise? What's happening here?" Ashley S gets a date card and she takes Dan! No hesitation at all, she just picks him. They're cute and weird together!

Moving on. Tenley is bummed because she hasn't connected with anyone else. Mikey has a man bun going on or something, but his hair isn't long enough to do anything. So it looks like a baby's ponytail.

Tenley and Jared go for a walk, and Ashley I is freaking out because IF THEY'RE IN LOVE WHY IS HE GOING WITH HER. More tears. Ashley I also hates old ladies. And so to fix how she's feeling she's going to take some shots. SHOTS! Lemon drops galore! Lauren says "If I have to help you throw up later..." Yeah. That'll most definitely happen.

Ashley I asks Tenley if she can steal Jared because she misses being on the bachelor and they always steal people. EVERYONE WANTS JARED (not really) SO ASHLEY HAS TO SOLIDIFY HER CLAIM. And Tenley is just like, sure. She doesn't want to work for it, which she shouldn't have to. Just let it happen, lady!

Ashley and Jared talk and he tells her that they had a great time and now it's like, you never know what's going to happen. "So, you're cool and all, but like, chill. Who knows. I could fall in love with anyone and it probably won't be you." Lauren says "so you're not getting a rose and we get to go home?" She totes does not want to be there anymore. "Let's go home and then die alone." Then they look at her boobs.

First cocktail party and then Rose Ceremony! Just a reminder, guys get to give the roses out to the ladies tonight.

JJ wants the girls to bestow gifts upon them at his feet because he feels like a god. That's definitely an attractive quality, JJ, just keep doin' what you're doin'.

Chris Harrison tells everyone that a lot can change in Paradise and you never know what's going to happen and who will show up! Which seems ominous for right before a rose ceremony but, this is Paradise...so...

Jillian takes JJ's hand and they go off to chat. She turns into a dude and tells him that if she had gotten the date card she would've picked him, and he eats it up. Then Tenley comes over to JJ and puts her legs on him like they're just hanging out, and gives him permission to kiss her if he wants to. WHAT. Tenley, I thought you didn't want to work for it? This is the definition of working - you're THROWING yourself at him. I get it, if you don't get the rose you go home, but like...come on. Don't lower yourself down so low that you forget how much you're worth.

And now Ashley I is going crazy because Clare is talking to Jared. And she can hear their whole conversation, where Jared says "If you don't have a rose when it's my turn to give out roses, then I'm going to give you my rose" because he wants to get it on with her. Poor Ashley. Even crazy people don't deserve to hear sad conversations like that. Clare and Jared are totally going to bone after this. Ashley I realizes that maybe this isn't the best show for her to be on because she's very focused. Womp womp. Good try!

ROSE CEREMONY!


Definite couples going in to the rose ceremony:

Carly and Kirk
Jade and Tanner
Juelia and Jonathon
Ashley S and Dan

Wildcards:
Tenley
JJ
Jillian
Ashley I (and Lauren)
Clare
Mikey
Jared

Rose ceremony time!

Tanner picks...Jade!
Kirk picks...Carly!
Dan picks...Ashley S!
Jonathon picks...Juelia!
Mikey picks...Clare! (Clare is worried that he still doesn't get it that she's not interested, but she's happy to have a rose anyway.)
Jared picks...Ashley I (and Lauren "oh hey")
JJ picks...stressful music! WHO WILL HE PICK!!!!!!! He picks...Tenley! EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD JILLIAN SHE HAD HIS ROSE. All because Tenley let him kiss her. Sexy time.

BYE JILLIAN! WE STILL LOVE YOU!

AND THAT'S OUR SHOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
Tune in next week for more ridiculousness!

THE BEST SHOW OF THE SUMMER IS BACK! Bachelor in Paradise Episode 1A!

I just couldn't stay away from the amazing-ness that is Bachelor in Paradise. I hope you kids will come along for the ride again this season!

Each week is THREE HOURS of nonstop hilarity, plus an hour of talkback after the Monday episode. WHAT. No. I'm only blogging the three hours, if you want to watch the talkback you can do it on your own time because it's only an hour, versus the 8 billion I'll spend per episode. You are SO welcome! I'm going to break up the Sunday and Monday episodes because otherwise whoa. Too many words to read in one sitting.

And without further ado, here we go!!

We start off with the ever lovable Chris Harrison telling us all about how amazing Paradise is. Living in Paradise has one simple rule - find love OR GO THE EFF HOME. Aw, Paulie brings Chris a big ass drink. Because you definitely need one here in Paradise. Otherwise, who knows what you'll have to really deal with.

AND NOW, the cast of Bachelor in Paradise! 

Starting with Ashley I, from Chris's season. She cries once to three times day. How adult. (I only cry half a time a day, so...stop judging). And here we meet Ashley's sister, who is apparently the "slut" version of Ashley, and three years younger. Isn't that the way of the world these days? Yes, yes it is. Oh my gosh you guys, look how cute they are! They're out on chairs tanning and they turn over at the same time!! TWINSIES. And now Ashley packs Lauren in her suitcase. (FORESHADOWING)

Jared! The guy who really needs to figure out what's up with his beard. But he's a total gentleman and that's freaking awesome. He was on Kaitlyn's season and they were totes in love. But maybe not.

Ashley S! Also from Chris's season. She loves onions and pomegranates. And her dad told her to try boys on like shoes. What? Sexxxxxy time. Good advice to give pre-Paradise.

Tanner! From Kaitlyn's season. He is only MILDLY bitter (and by mildly I mean like he is 100% bitter) and thinks he's hilarious but really isn't. He's here for Jade and Samantha. And is asking for advice from geese. Cool. They don't have any to give. Super weird considering how talkative they are.

Jade! From Chris's season. She modeled for Playboy so now everyone obviously loves her. She's also pretty awesome. I want to be friends with her, so there's that. But here's an actual quote "I don't know, maybe in three weeks I will be engaged." Well, this is bachelor-ville, so anything is possible! Literally anything. Like, you could fall in love in three weeks and be engaged! Can't think of a better example than that.

Jillian! From Chris's season. Her claim to fame is that she's super into cross fit and her butt needs to be censored. Black box covering her butt forever. BUT NOW! She's got breast implants! She's putting herself out there. With her breastesses. "I'm so excited to meet the guys and show off the girls."

Dan! From Desiree's season. He's the "whole package" because he's a "business owner" and a "libra." Yep, that's how I define whole package. 

Juelia! From Chris's season. Her daughter doesn't like any of the potential dudes she's going to meet. So that's unfortunate. The baby likes Kirk! We'll see how much water that holds when they get there.

Tenley! From Jake's season and Bachelor Pad, runner up both times. (I didn't watch either of those.)  Her boyfriend of five years decided to have a baby with another girl right after they broke up. So THAT sucks. I feel for you girl. (Not because I've been in that situation, but still. That super sucks.) But she can do half cartwheels! So that'll get her a dude.

And I guess that's it for now? Chris says "LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN!"

Everyone arrives in Paradise. Jade's first. She's hoping that she can stay away from the drama and find a real connection. GOOD LUCK.

Jared. Chris IMMEDIATELY brings up Kaitlyn. "Are you over her? Are you still heartbroken? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN REALLY FIND LOVE?!???!!!!!" Jared takes it well, "uh yeah, dude, I'm open to it. Let me go downstairs and talk to the ladeeeeez." And then "Best case scenario is that I would find somebody that makes me forget about Kaitlyn." You know it Jaaaaared. Best way to get over somebody is to get under someone else! Or as they like to do on the show, go in the ocean. Same thing. Aw, he and Jade are already holding hands! So cayute.

Tenley arrives! Wearing heels. She hasn't been on a bachelor show in five years aaaaand she hopes people remember who she is.

Carly's here! From Chris's season. I freaking love her. She is totally sassy and says exactly the kind of things I think and sometimes put on this blog. I want to be friends with her too. Jared's hoping that it's just the four of them.

Carly: I did not sign up to be on the bachelor again!

Jonathan! From Kaitlyn's season, even though he originally picked Britt. He comments on Tenley, Carly, and Jade's teeth and how white they are and seriously how can I get my teeth that white? I'm super jelly.

Tanner! Carly thinks he's hot. He wants Jade. Tenley comments on how after today no one will be wearing clothes. PARADISE!

Mikey T. He immediately brings up how manly he is, which, everything about him is muscles. MUSCLES FOR DAYS. Aaaand he offers to get the guys ripped like him which they are all SUPER stoked about. (Not.) No one is into him. Sorry Mikey. 

Ashley I arrives. And she brought HER SISTER! TWO FOR ONE, GUYS! WHAT. Ashley I is a "self-proclaimed virgin" and Lauren is "Iacon-naughty" get it guys because it's a play on their last name! Oh, Ashley, become a stand up comedian and stop looking for love. You'll do great. Lauren is wearing heels, because no one warned her that she's going to be on a beach or walking down stairs made of sand. Ashley says  that guys usually gravitate more towards Lauren than her?! SO WHY DID YOU BRING HER HERE?! WHAT. No brains.

AND THE FIRST SHOT OF AN ANIMAL HAS SURFACED! I think it's a lizard or something. Everyone is shocked.

Jonathan doesn't care if it's fair that Ashley brought her sister because he totes wants a threesome. Also he's got the crazy eyes. The new AshLee?

Mikey thinks Lauren is super hot and so he takes off his shirt. Because he's really sweaty. And now they're going in the ocean!

Juelia arrives! "You can just go in the ocean?" Yes. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT HERE. THERE ARE NO RULES.

Jared says that Mikey "took the bulls by the horn." No, that is not a typo. I have nothing else to say about that. Bu also it looks like Mikey is grabbing Lauren's boobs already. PARADISE!

Kirk arrives! From Ali's season. And wearing plaid! He says this an adult summer camp. Yes. Carly thinks he's freaking cute.

Lauren and Ashley I have a conversation. They both think Jared is cute and Ashley is like "BUT YOU'LL GIVE HIM TO ME RIGHT?!???!!!!" Ashley, why did you bring Lauren if she's not allowed to hit on anyone? Oh right, because you make out with them and she...finishes them. 

Dan shows up! Ashley thinks he's cute but Lauren shuts that down right away. Same with Kirk. "Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong." MEAN GIRLS IN REAL LIFE.

Jillian is here and she is just in a bathing suit. QUOTE: WHERE ARE THE REST OF YOUR CLOTHES, JILLIAN?! Awesome. Jonathan wants to take a bite out of that...black box. Hey-o!

The ocean crashes! CRABS!

Jade says "hopefully there are no douchebags" AND THEN JJ ARRIVES. This show has the best editing. Villains gotta vil, yo. 

And finally Ashley S arrives! "Did you guys grow these plants just for me?" YES.

Chris Harrison says "you are the last person to arrive." Ashley says "you mean today?" NOPE. FOREVER. And now she's not paying attention because there are birds in a cage. "Are they parakeets? They're parrots!" Chris says she's the first person to notice the parrots. Ashley says "Maybe because I have some." Chris says "Really?" Ashley says "Well, no." She's amazing.

EVERYBODY IS HERE! For now...

Very astute observation by Tanner: It's not IF crazy [bleep] is going to happen, it's when.

Guys are giving out the roses this week! And Ashley I and her sister Lauren count as ONE ROSE. Sooooo that's...a thing.

And now they all head down to the beach for something special.... OH MY GOSH LACY AND MARCUS FROM LAST SEASON ARE GETTING MARRRRRRIEEEEEDDDDDD. Totes adorbs, you guys. I hope Lacy's math has improved, but I'm about 80/40 that it hasn't. And Marcus thinks that one, or two, or maybe even three couples could happen. Those are some impressive odds to live up to! But I guess considering there were only really 2 couples that came out of last season, and one of them already broke up, I guess that's fair. Juelia catches the bouquet. Chris Harrison hopes that a year from now he's celebrating one of their love stories. Only one. SO AGAIN, WELCOME TO PARADISE.

And now the drinks are flowing. They're in Mexico, guys! Everyone is swarming around Jade, because, you know, she was naked. Jillian flashes everybody to try and get the same attention, and it doesn't work. 

Aaaaand Lauren is crying. OUR FIRST TEARS OF THE SEASON, GUYS. Why is she crying? Because she thinks everyone is OLD. (Well, I mean, there are a lot of people who are 32. That's ancient.) And she hates people. (I know that feel bro.) THIS IS A CATASTROPHE.

Ashley leaves Lauren to enjoy her alone time, and goes to put her claws in Jared. Oh look! Jonathan and Juelia are pairing off already! CUTIES. Ashley thinks that Jared is prettttttty perfect. So then she sits next to him and says NOTHING. That's good flirting, girl. I wish I had skillz like you! Oh! And now THE SECOND TEARS OF THE SEASON! Ashley I. Those sisters sure know how to use their tears. 

Carly and Kirk hit it off because of her small hands. The first kiss of Paradise! So cute. Carly just goes for it. GO GIRL! Jade says that Carly is her spirit animal. I totally agree.

Ashley brings up her princess ways. She's wearing her Jasmine bathing suit. OH NO. JARED AND JADE ARE GOING TO THE OCEAN. Ashley thinks that Jared and she had a good (one sentence long) conversation and they're going to take their relationship slow. Uh...Jared wasn't part of that conversation. And now Ashley's crying again. "I don't understand, I had so much fun on the Bachelor!" And now she's cry laughing. What? What is even happening.

DAY 2!

Mikey says it's hard for testosterone driven men not to jump on something they feel right away. Dan laughs at him. Uh, hey bud, that's called rape? "Nature, I guess, you know?"

Ashley is icing her face because she was crying all night. Good job.

Jillian comes running in (wearing a bikini, obviously) with a date card! Ashley I gets it! NO WAY! She has to choose a man to get dirty with for her date. JARED LOOKS SO SAD. JJ wants the date just to go on a date. Romantic! Dan asks Jared if he would go if he was asked and he was like "I don't know, I mean, it could be anyone" while screaming with his eyes "PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE GO ON THIS DATE." Lauren gives Ashley a pep talk about how to ask him. "Hey Jared, would you love to go on this date with me?" And now Ashley is crying again. "THIS IS STUPID, WHY AM I CRYING AGAIN?" We're all wondering that, Ash.

Ashley asks Jared to go on the date! He says yes! Good job. What a gentleman. She thinks he looks like Aladdin? I think she needs to get her eyes checked. "If Jared is my Aladdin, he can rub the [bleep] out of my lamp!" I HAVE NO COMMENT BECAUSE THIS WRITES ITSELF.

They go off roading. I'm bored.

Everyone is SO SUNBURNT. YOU GUYS. You're going to be in the SUN. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Lather on that SPF!

Jared is a scorpio! ME TOO! Now I'm in love with him! Oh wait. No...that's not how it works. 

Ashley S is now making out with a parrot. Oh yeah, remember how she's crazy? It's showing. 

JJ shows up with a date card! Jade gets it! "Choose a MAN to take on your first date in paradise." Weird emphasis, but ok. Ashley and Jared are back! Maybe Jade will ask Jared since he came back just in time! Jillian tells Ashley that Jade got the date card. "And it says to take a MAN." Are they prompting them to do this? Is Jade maybe not straight and that's why they're telling her she has to take a man? I don't get it. Ashley is delusional and just told us that everyone thinks he's been the happiest he's been since getting here. Since yesterday? Yeah, ok Ash, whatever you say. And then Ashley says that Jade MOST CERTAINLY MAY BE into Jared. AND JADE ASKSSSSSSSSSSSS....TANNER. Good job Jade, that's nice of you.

Frog!

Jade and Tanner's date. They talk about Playboy. I'm bored.

OH NO! ASHLEY S IS BEING TAKEN AWAY TO THE HOSPITAL! More on that later, I guess? But Dan goes with her! What a sweetie.

Jade kisses Tanner! Taking a page out of Carly's book, nice! Sexy time. And now they go in the river! That sunburn though. Ouch.

Jared and Ashley are talking about food? They're love is so deep, you guys. THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. WIND. HEELS ON THE STAIRS.

CLARE IS HERE!! RUH ROH. HURRICANE CLARE IS BLOWING IN TONIGHT. And Chris gives her a date card! She's here for (thunder!) TANNER, (thunder!) KIRK, and (thunder!) JARED. GAME ON!

RACCOON!

END OF SUNDAY'S EPISODE.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnn

What if Scott Foley Was My Boyfriend?

So, I had a pretty awesome dream last night.

I was at Chris Hardwick's house with my parents and they wanted to know where he got his lox from, and he said he defrosted it from Costco and they were very impressed. So then I left with my parents, and then realized I had left something at Chris's house. So then when I realized that, I called my friends Susie and Caitlin and they drove me over there, while I texted Chris and told him I was coming back, a text message which he didn't answer (rude!). Then when we got there and were looking around for my things, we found all the doors to all the rooms closed with the lights off. So Caitlin, Susie, and I are hanging out waiting for Chris to come back so I could find my stuff. Then somehow I couldn't figure out how my shirt worked (it was like an infinity scarf I guess?) and I was trying to figure out how to get it to work when Scott Foley showed up. He was like "what are you guys doing here?" And I told him I had left my stuff and I was waiting for Chris to show up so I could get it back, and he was like "a shit ton of people are about to show up for this Nerdist podcast listening party!" So he just has Caitlin and Susie hide in another room and I sit next to him on the couch while we wait for everyone to show up. And then all these celebrities are there and they all know each other. Scott Foley (who looks more like Felicity-era than Scandal age, and also somehow I know everyone calls him Chuckles and he participates in the podcast even though that's a secret) looks at me and says something like "Didn't you wear those pants to brunch? I would have told you to change before this. Why didn't you call me to let you in?" And I said "because we don't have each other's numbers!" And then he looked through his phone and was like "oh my gosh! You're right! I'm so sorry!" But not in a sarcastic way. And then he put his arm around me and then I woke up.


I mean, I had a dream about Scott Foley. My day couldn't get any better than that. Mmm.

Please Help

You guys. Do you like this picture?

How about this one?

In October 2013, I went to a Star Wars themed wedding for my great friends Sean and Robyn. It is because of them that I dressed up like this.

Turns out life is a real piece of work sometimes. They recently had a baby, and just after that were hit with some pretty awful news. I'll let Robyn tell the story:

Our Story
We were fortunate to welcome a beautiful, healthy baby boy this summer. After I delivered our son Seth, I was being monitored for some unresolved health issues. My doctors all thought my symptoms were related to standard postpartum issues, however, it turned out I was dealing with something much more serious. I was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. They started me on chemo right away while we awaited further test results.

So on top of a newborn (who, btw, is happy, healthy, and thriving) our family has been dealing with my diagnosis and treatments. Once they determined my exact lymphoma (it's complicated of course) my doctor prescribed an aggressive treatment program. The only way to treat lymphoma is through chemotherapy and I'm on very aggressive chemotherapy drugs. In January, I'll also be receiving what they are calling "super chemo" where they wipe my white blood cells out almost completely and then give me a stem cell transplant. That process  will obviously be intense and I will be in recovery for a minimum of 3 months.

The Good News
My treatments are working and showing significant, positive results. My latest scans look fantastic compared to the initial scans and my doctor is very pleased with the progress we're making. I'm even able to work part-time for the next two months, which is really helping me keep occupied. While I'm facing a lot more down the road, I know that in the end all of this will be worth it. And if nothing else this experience is getting me over many of my entrenched fears of hospitals, procedures, and the general unknown!

The Reality
While I am very fortunate to have excellent medical insurance, it cannot cover all of our expenses. Added to that my inability to work starting in January for an undetermined period of time has left us worrying a bit financially. 

Normally, we would not even ask for this kind of support but we've had some inquiries as to setting up something like this and decided to put it out there and see what happens. If this experience has taught me (us) anything it's to not be afraid to reach out and ask for help!! 

Our Gratitude
First, we can't thank our friends and family enough for all the positive energy and thoughts. We have an incredible support system and are truly touched by the outpouring of love we have received when someone finds out what we are going through. I really believe that attitude is everything and all of us here in the Doughty household are approaching everything with positivity that the outcome will be great in the end. 

We'd love it if you can donate, but certainly don't expect it. We will take positive thoughts and energy anytime! Mostly, we want to just thank you for your positive thoughts and love. I spend a portion of my morning reaching out and receiving that energy daily!!

 Love,

Robyn, Sean, Molly, and Seth

Basically, if you like the pictures of me dressed up as Mara Jade, please donate to their fund. Any sort of donation will help - even just $10. And if you can't donate, maybe share this blog post or the link to their donation page?

Here's the link: http://www.gofundme.com/gmy6xg

Lots of love to everyone out there right now.

Thank you in advance, and sorry for the break from the usual ridiculousness. I just thought this was definitely worth mentioning.

A Scary Story for this Month of Scariness

You guys. I don't know why I have this story in my head, but I do.

Two years ago, I was selling tickets for a comedy show at the Comedy Store in Hollywood for a friend of mine. This was a pretty regular occurrence, but I think it might have been awhile since I had sold tickets, so I had invited some friends to come along. Only one guy took me up on my offer, and he decided to hang out with me while I sold the tickets instead of sitting by himself. Anyway, the line is out the door, halfway down the block long, because the headliner was a pretty big name. (No one I can remember now, of course, my memory is terrrrrrrrrrrible.)

Anyway, it's October 5th, and they had already decorated for Halloween, you know, as you do as soon as October starts. They went all out dressing that place up, skeletons, cobwebs, fake spiders, blood drops placed randomly, orange twinkle lights...The works. So this girl gets to the head of the line, and I swear, she's stone cold sober, and she asks "like, oh my god! Is this place, like, always decorated like this?" And without hesitation or even cracking a smile, I say yes. And she responds with "that's like, so cool! I thought it was like, just for, like, Halloween or something." And I say, "nope, it's like this year round." And she says "cool!" and walks to get her seats.

My friend leaned over to me and said "I think I love you."

That was the only time my boyfriend ever told me he loved me. And we weren't even dating yet!!!!!! Our first date was a week later!!!

But I killed him.

Sorry for the twist. I just needed to finally get that off my chest, and figured two years was a long enough wait.

I feel much better now.

Now there's a scary story for you. Happy Halloween!

April fools?!? What month is this? I don't even know. Give me some ice cream though.

my daily struggles

should I eat those powerberries
should I get froyo for lunch
I want pizza
ooh maybe Indian food
why is it so cold in my office
I'm so thirsty
I want ice cream
I have to pee
would it look weird if I started doing squats or pushups right now
I have to pee again
why isn't there ice cream here
I want something sweet
there's nothing in the kitchen to eat
I don't know what show to watch next
should I catch up on my feed reader or watch a show
should I watch a show or read another few chapters in my book
I have to pee
why did that cashew taste like a peanut
I'm tired
I'm hungry
what should I do for lunch
don't call anyone a fuckhead even though you're thinking it
how are people so stupid
murder is wrong
ugh I ate too much chocolate

What are you watching?

You guys, I have no self control. When it comes to almost anything. Food, Powerberries (I literally ate more than half the bag today), or TV shows...everything is my vice. (Except drugs. I'm a good kid.)

But with fall TV just around the corner (and by corner I mean it started this week and I'm already falling behind) it has become painfully obvious to me how little self control I have.

So far, I've watched the new episodes of returning shows The Mindy Project and New Girl, the pilot of Mysteries of Laura, and a continuing episode of Utopia (because I have a friend from college on the show so that one is like...a must).

Still recorded and ready to watch I have:

A new episode of Franklin & Bash, the pilot of Red Band Society, an episode of Couples Therapy (because I want to see how crazy Juan Pablo and Nikki really are), 7 episodes of Hollywood Game Night (in case I run out of things to watch, because that's how normal people think), an old episode of Parks and Rec that literally makes me laugh EVERY TIME I turn it on (watch out for that fence), the lifetime movie Petals on the Wind (which was recorded in May - MAY YOU GUYS), 5 episodes each of The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail/@midnight, and two episodes of Skin Wars. Plus tonight are the season finales of Married, You're the Worst (one of the BEST NEW SHOWS, and that is not sarcasm like Bachelor in Paradise-style), and Satisfaction. Luckily those will be taken out of rotation and I won't have to worry about them anymore.

But seriously...that's almost 30 things I have recorded!!!!! And fall TV isn't even in full swing yet!! YOU GUYS WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!

I know the logical explanation is to figure out what I want to watch and cut back. But just like I can't stop putting my hand in that stupid Powerberries bag (that's another three I just ate), I can't stop watching. There are just too many good shows out (and please excuse my random reality recordings - those aren't included in that statement).

The good news is that I only have 63 things recording between now and October 1st.

.......I don't have a problem. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go update my spreadsheet full of shows.

PS The only way I even know it's fall is because of the tv, because these temperatures are definitely not feeling like fall. (Had to mention the weather. Of course.)

What are you watching?

LOVE LOST AND FOUND - Final episode of Bachelor in Paradise

It's the LAST ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Six couples live happily in paradise:

Marcus and Lacy

Robert and Sarah

Tasos and Christy

Zack and Jackie

Cody and Michelle

AshLee and Graham 

They all seem very much in love....OR ARE THEY?! (I mean, probably, it's been like five minutes for all of them and that's how things work in this world...)

Graham wakes up with a feeling of anxiety. (He's probably realizing that Paradise is almost over and AshLee is going to try and trap him with a baby.)

Change is coming! CHRIS HARRISON! 

Oh snap. These relationships are about to be put to the test. Can these go from Paradise to real life? If not, BREAK UP AND GO HOME! 

Michelle: "People always say when you know you know. I think I know, but I don't really know.....I don't know." Very eloquently put.

Guys and girls split up, to discuss their relationships with not each other. That's exactly what Chris said to do, people. Good job.

AshLee starts talking about how she feels about Graham, and Michelle is not buying it. Neither is anyone else. AshLee's crazy eyes aren't making an appearance at the moment though, and that's a little strange. 

Michelle goes off to talk to Graham after AshLee gives her speech. Uh oh. Sarah and Lacy know that AshLee is being delusional in thinking that Michelle is going to talk to Graham and say good things about AshLee, or that she's going to talk to him about her relationship with Cody. (Sorry for all the names). AshLee thinks that Michelle's going to talk to Graham just because this whole thing is really hard for her. REALITY CHECK ASHLEE, NO. And AshLee's heart is heavy for Michelle and it makes her want to cry for her. AND SHE DOES. Wow. I wish I could cry on the spot like that.

Michelle is telling Graham that AshLee is fake, and here to put on a show and not genuine. Graham looks genuinely shocked, and kind of upset. Sad for him, he seems like a good guy.

Ha! Lacy CLEARLY doesn't like AshLee. While talking to AshLee she's got the same kind of tone of voice and facial expression that I get when I talk to idiots. Good times. 

Lizard!

AshLee and Graham are going to have their conversation now about whether they're going to pursue this after leaving. Graham asks AshLee how she's feeling and she says "I'm just, um, how are you feeling?" Because she can't think of feelings on her own. She has to feel the room's vibe first. Graham is not feeling great. Obviously. Graham says he doesn't think he can continue on in the real world. They break up! One couple down. They hug.

In his interview, Graham says he thought he would feel more relief, but he feels sad.  AshLee cries. Michelle hugs Graham. She asks how AshLee's doing, and Graham says she took it pretty well.

Lacy says AshLee is delusional. AshLee leaves! Still crying.

Bird!

el oh el, Graham says "For me, Paradise is lost." Sad. Graham leaves!

Christy and Tasos! They break up, but it's very amicable. They hug.

Jackie and Zack! They break up! Also very amicable. They hug.

Cody is worried about Michelle. He says he loves her.

Another bird!

Michelle stares out at the ocean, hoping it will tell her what to do.

Sarah and Robert are not packing their bags. They hug anyway because that's what couples do.

Michelle walks on the beach because she thinks she's in a music video.

ANOTHER BIRD!

A turtle!

Lacy tells Michelle that Cody is worried and that she needs to talk to him. Michelle acts like she doesn't know how this works. "I have to just decide? I don't like that."

Michelle is talking to her daughter about Cody. Aw, her daughter is talking about how it doesn't matter if he's cute, it's based on his personality and how she feels about him and how he treats her. That's a smart kid. So I guess they're going to stay together too!

Chris Harrison!

That's three couples still together:

Lacy and Marcus 

Sarah and Robert 

Michelle and Cody

NEXT STEP!

They all get one more date to have the hard questions. Overnight dates!

Chris Harrison just ruined everyone's dreams by saying love isn't a fairytale. WHAT.

Sarah is most excited for the alone time, because it's so romantic. She's excited to kiss and cuddle him. That's adorable.

Michelle is worried about the overnight date. Because she isn't even sure if they're there for the right reasons. Michelle says by the end of the date she'll either be jumping in two feet with Cody or walking away and that's great that she knows what her ONLY TWO OPTIONS ARE.

No word from Lacy and Marcus because they've probably already done it.

Back from the commercial break with Cody and Michelle both putting on lipstick.

Last date for everybody! They all look great. 

Robert and Sarah see their beautiful hotel room with a hot tub. Nice. He's happy to be there with her, and they cheers. They're in the hot tub! Making out. "This is the perfect opportunity for Robert to get to know me in every way he can get to know me. Off camera." CAMERAS LEAVE! "I hope he goes there, I hope he digs deep." Sexy tiiiiiiime. Woo woo!

Marcus and Lacy's date. Lacy says the next person she says "I love you" to is it for her and that Marcus understands that. Does he really? Or... I mean...isn't he it for you? You're in paradise, and you're still there...doesn't that mean you're done? LACY SAYS THAT MARCUS COMPLETES HER. Ugh. I just threw up a little. Aw she smiled a little bit and just said he's everything she ever wanted and then THEY EXCHANGED I LOVE YOUS. Awwwwwwww. Make out time. Gross.

Cody and Michelle are at dinner. Michelle is worried about letting down her daughter and she's scared, and that it wouldn't matter what guy was sitting across from her (which, kind of ouch). Cody says she wants someday for her to be his wife. She says he's not getting laid tonight but they're still going to the fantasy suite. Sexy kind of? AND THEN MICHELLE TALKS ABOUT CODY'S THING. But they bleep it.

Morning! 

Lacy felt amazing. They stayed up all night talking, and "loving on each other" (sex) and showed each other what love really is (more sex). They whisper I love you.

Robert thinks the overnight date was perfect. And Sarah says she had a good night's sleep.

Cody and Michelle comes back and Michelle says after her date last night she IS REALLY SORE AND VERY SATISFIED. HAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT. SEX. And then Michelle announces that she has a boyfriend. They sat and talked and THEN DID IT. And Cody says he marked some things off his bucket list wink wink. 

Everyone is smiling and all happy and saying that they had a good night and Sarah's like "us too" and Robert says "that's good" in a way that makes it sound like they did not have a good time. And there is tip toe music which makes it sound like something is happening........Robert starts blowing his nose on Sarah and they seem like they have been together for 10 years and not 3 weeks. Uh oh. She says he had his jeans on under the covers and they just went to sleep. Robert didn't want to be physical with her...Sounds like Robert had a case of the first night jitters. OR he just wanted to be respectful. I'm sure we'll find out later!!

Sarah hears the other girls talking and feels jealous. She says she went to unbuckle his jeans and he stopped her. Sad face. She's talking to him about it though, which is very adult. BUT she is comparing her relationship to other relationships, which isn't fair to Robert or herself. He felt that they had a great time, and she says that she didn't feel this way until she heard the other couples talking. So they're breaking up?! This is sad. He says he's feeling pretty upset right now so he's going to take off. Sad. He should've fought for her! Or she should've just conceded. Go after him!

She's talking to the girls about him now. This is so sad. I want her to go after him, because he has treated her really well other than that one thing and maybe he just was nervous about what was happening. It was their first night together. I'm so sad for them. BUT fair enough that she feels bad because he didn't want to make out with her when they were laying in bed together. That is a little weird. It's not like they've been working all day and they're just too tired. THAT'S REAL LIFE.

He says he kept using the phrase "I like you" because it's hard for him to put himself out there and that he gave it his best shot. No you didn't! You should have told her that you still like her and that you were purposely taking it slow and maybe continued talking about this like adults. THIS IS SO SAD. I'm happy this show is almost over because I am WAY too invested in this now. Maybe they'll get back together after the show. Here's hoping. :(

Chris Harrison!

OMG OLD COUPLES! (from the show, not literal old couples, but that would be cool)

Des and Chris (Good thing Brooks didn't stick around)

Sean and Catherine

Some other couple that I don't know

They all give advice to the new couples. This section is kind of cute and I don't know how to comment on it.

But Sean and Catherine are still my favorite, they're so cute.

Everyone is in love! YOU GUYS. LOVE. WHAT. LOVE. SO MUCH LOVE. OK.

How is there still 20 minutes left in the show?

LIZARD!

One final rose ceremony I guess?

Haha, all the old couples are sitting in the same position. Guys have their arm around the girls, and girls have their hand on the guy's leg. Cuties.

SPEECHES.

Cody gives Michelle a rose. And Michelle gives Cody a rose too. They both accept.

Marcus and Lacy's turn!

Marcus wants a second alone with Lacy. What's happening. He's super sweaty.

OMG IS HE GOING TO PROPOSE?! OMG HE IS PROPOSING! HE JUST PROPOSED! HE GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND NOW THEY'RE ENGAGED! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! THEY'RE ENGAGED! THIS SHOW YOU GUYS - TRUE LOVE! Marcus just really wanted to propose and since he didn't get to do that to Andi he did it to Lacy. ENGAGEMENT! COOL. But they still have to do the final rose. So he has to fake propose again. Engagement. Sexy. Lacy gives him a rose too. Cool. 

Everybody leaves Paradise.

They're doing a "where is everybody now" thing. HAHAHAHA

Sarah is back in LA looking for a new man

Robert still sleeps in his jeans

Graham deleted his instagram account

Michelle K and Ryan Putz are no longer together - they continue to make excellent life decisions

Clare is back in Sacramento looking for her soul mate - the raccoon is hoping that she picks him

Elise and Chris broke up after only two weeks

Michelle and Cody are still very much in love, Cody is moving to Utah, but first he's training the new bachelor

Marcus and Lacy are still in love and she's moving to Dallas, they're planning a spring wedding. There's an 80/40 chance they'll have hot babies.

Congratulations guys, you've made it through this season of Bachelor in Paradise.

NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO BLOG ABOUT?!

Cheers to Love and Wild Animals - Episode 6 of Bachelor in Paradise!

Last time on Bachelor in Paradise...

Michelle and Cody basically got married. Lacy and Marcus are still totes together. Sarah and Robert are cuties. Graham and AshLee are still together, even though everyone knows AshLee is crazy. Clare left. Zack and Jackie started hitting it off. Christy and Jesse are bangin' after having a weird threesome. I think that's about all you need to know.

This week in Paradise......!!!

Damn, Jackie has nice arms!

The show starts off right where we left off, basically, just after the rose ceremony. Sarah knows what's up with Jesse, that he's just here for the free booze and to hook up. DUH.

Cody told Michelle he loved her right before the rose ceremony. IT'S BEEN LIKE TWO SECONDS! HOW IS HE ALREADY IN LOVE WITH HER? I mean I guess when you know you know but, like, no.

Date card! Marcus. Ha, they aren't even giving him a choice anymore. It says "Marcus, choose a Lacy to go on your date with you." Smooooooth.

Lizard! Oh no. Marcus and Lacy are supposed to go down a hole. Scary. It's a cave! And the producer tries to teach Lacy about stalactites and stalagmites and it does not go well. She sees "stalaglites" as they get into the cave. Words are hard, people.

Lacy tells Marcus that she's falling in love with him and then they show us footage of parrots, monkeys, deer, lizards... WILD ANIMALS, YOU GUYS. THEY'RE GOING TO DO IT LIKE WILD ANIMALS. Or am I reading that wrong? (I don't think so.)

Michelle said she wanted to find love here, but now that she's getting it, she doesn't want it anymore. Poor Cody. Jesse is telling Michelle to cut it off, but I think that's because he wants to doooooo her.

Sarah and Robert are totally together now. She doesn't want anyone else to come so she can just spend a couple more weeks with just her and Robert. Cut to Brooks showing up! He was from Des' season, and she loooooved him. She ended up picking Chris because Brooks was like NOPE, I'm outta here! (But Des and Chris are still together so yay for them.) And Brooks has a date card! Sarah is bummed because she wanted Brooks to be here and now he is but she's got all this great stuff growing with Robert. SO BOO. And Brooks says that he's immediately attracted to Sarah and that's she someone he would date. But Robert does that manly ownership thing and says "YOU WILL NOT LOOK IN THIS DIRECTION" while wrapping his arms around Sarah. Poor Sarah. She wants him to ask her, buuuuut Robert literally just said "if you ask her out, I will kill you." Cool. That's not scary at all. So Brooks asks out...Jackie. Because he doesn't feel like dying. Even though he really wants to go with Sarah.

Brooks and Jackie's date. She's impressed that he can speak Spanish. They're actually super cute together. Weird. And now Zack is bummed because he wanted to hang out with Jackie. Ha, Brooks - "Is it this awkward every time someone comes back from a date?"

Robert leaves a note on Sarah's bed, and she thinks it's the cutest thing anyone has ever done for her. She's thinking that she wants to break up with Robert, because she likes Brooks, but maybe because of the note she won't? Aw, Brooks being there makes Sarah feel like Robert is the guy for her. So cute. She's falling in love with Robert! CUTE! Will they date in LA? Can I follow them? (I won't follow them. Except on Twitter.)

Cody and Michelle seesaw again. Cody loves Michelle, Michelle is nervous about stuff. I feel like he said this speech during Andi's season the night she broke up with him. Hmm. But Michelle is going to stick with him, she's just nervous about all of it because it's been a week.

I really want onion rings. (Sorry, just thought I'd put that in there.)

Uh oh. Michelle is telling Christy that Lucy did some censor-worthy stuff with Jesse. So now Christy is saying she hates Jesse and that he's misogynistic. Christy is also saying she wants to go home, but she's going to leave it in God's hands. MORE WILD ANIMALS! WHAT COULD IT MEAN?! Also angel-type music. Interesting...

Someone new is here! It's a dude! It's Tasos! From Andi's season. Oh no! Cody says that Tasos is a stand up guy and he's got nothing but good things to say about him, but then Tasos picks Michelle to talk to! Maybe she'll go on the date with him! OH NO CODY LOOK WHAT YOU DID WITH YOUR WORDS!

Hahaha they're all saying Cody is the incredible Hulk. Graham says that if Tasos asks Michelle, Cody is going to rip his leg off. This is great.

Aw, but then Michelle tells Tasos to ask Christy because he's a good guy and she deserves that. And Tasos says nice things about Cody too. So nice.  Hahahaha Michelle - "If I were Christy, I'd be tossing the Sos out of Tasos." And just to prove that nothing happened with Michelle and Tasos, she goes straight to Cody to make out with his face and says "I'm gonna tear you up." Sexy.

And now Christy and Tasos are going on a date. So cayute. Oh my gosh, and he's actually being respectful, and nice. That's awesome. And Christy definitely deserves a guy like Tasos after being with a guy like Jesse. Jesse can just get outta here.

Brooks and Jackie are playing Horse, and Zack is just watching. Awkward. Date card! It's for Zack. Zack is obviously going to ask Jackie.

Graham is turning into one of my favorites. He was like "I'm alright" about not getting the date card, but "AshLee is going to cut someone." BECAUSE SHE'S CRAZY. CRAAAAAAAZY. AshLee looks bummed when Zack says that he has the date card. AshLee says "I just want to express my un-gratitude for that moment." Ha. Get over it. They know what's going on in their relationship, and there are people there who need to know what's going on by going on their own date! Wow, Michelle is super fake, too. Awkward. She's going to keep her eyes on AshLee like a hawk.

Zack and Jackie's date. I'm bored. (I think they went to the same place as Lacy and Marcus.) Jackie says that this is the best date she's been on so far, after the four dates that she's gotten to go on in Paradise. And Zack is saying that he felt a connection with Jackie before they met, just from looking at her pictures. That's a little sketchy, but sure, go with it. At least he's not stalking her on Instagram? Bonus points? Zack and Jackie kiss! Magical. RIP Brooks.

Cocktail party! Jesse is talking about how he's had a great experience and how he's totally going to KIT with everyone. 2 Cool 2 B 4 GOTTEN!

Chris Harrison! Ladies get to hand out the roses tonight.

Aw, Zack got Jackie a bracelet. It's the kind where you make a wish when you tie it on, and when it falls off your wish will come true. That's cute. And now Brooks is going to try and convince Jackie to let him stay. And Brooks says that they promised to paint each other's nails. So he brought nail polish and now they're painting each other's pinkies. That's cute too. Aw. JACKIE WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!

Jeez. Jesse just says "I'm not here to start a relationship with a dumb blonde." This whole time he's been a master manipulator, and now he's making Christy feel bad about not wanting the relationship to go any further. Christy has already told Tasos that he's going to get all her time for the rest of the time they're there. Yay. Jesse decides to leave on his own, instead of going through the rose ceremony. Good job, idiot.

FOR EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA, NOW IS YOUR TIME CHRISTY! YOU TELL HIM.  Christy, Lacy, and Michelle go talk to Jesse about how he's been disrespecting women by telling all the guys everything. He's been busy fooling around on everyone. Poor Christy, getting manipulated here and being treated so badly by him. I called that from the start, although the interviews made him pretty transparent. But he was parading as a good guy in front of all the ladies so he could experience Paradise with his toolbox. Gross. Get outta here Jesse.

Shots!

Rose ceremony!

Chris Harrison!

Definite couples going in:
Sarah and Robert
Lacy and Marcus
AshLee and Graham
Michelle and Cody
Christy and Tasos

Wildcards:
Jackie
Zack
Brooks


Lacy picks...Marcus. (We're very much in love.)
AshLee picks...Graham. (I'm truly blessed and lucky to have you here.)
Sarah picks...Robert. (I feel this relationship evolving...can't wait to take it home to California.)
Michelle picks...Cody. (I would be an absolute fool to let Cody walk away.)
Christy picks...Tasos. (cuties.)
Jackie picks...............DRAMATIC BUILD!!!!!!! Zack! RIP Brooks.

Cheers to finding love in Paradise. Sarahdise. Michelleadise. Lacydise. AshLeedise. Christydise. Jackiedise.

That was the last rose ceremony! No more new arrivals, no more date cards...

You guys next week is the final week?! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!

Probably have too many other shows to watch to keep this up. Heh.

SO EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!