texts to jason! (PART TWO)

Slutty McSlutterson over here.....

Just kidding, I don't sleep with that many guys. The main man in my life right now is Pigglywinks! He is a lovely stuffed pig that I bought for myself a few years ago when I didn't have a Valentine. He keeps me company every night. Yes, I am a child. OH WELL! BABIES HAVING BABIES.

texts to jason!

Sometimes I have things that I want to share, but haven't figured out the right platform for the little tidbits of wisdom (sidenote: not really wisdom) that I want to impart. For these, I have Jason. I met him when I was moving into my apartment back in March of 2011. I was supposed to go to Disneyland with him the day after I met him with two of my other friends, but I had a liiiiiittle too much to drink the night before and was a tad too hungover to go. Jason was very understanding, even though he had driven all the way up to my house (20 minutes away), and pretty much ever since then we've been good friends. Or maybe it was the night that we went to a bar and I kissed a girl? One of those.

Anyway, here are some of the fun things I've shared with Jason for no other reason than I FELT LIKE IT.

"Would you like to vajazzle your va jay jay? Come on, you know you like to decorate your jewels!"

"Can you please approve my decision to order a pizza?"

"Omg my life is a never ending hilarious joke that only I think is funny. So it's a never ending hilarious inside joke"

"I am having a panic attack about how amused I am at my life. It's ridiculousssssssssss"

"I hate me. And everyone. Consistency!"

"I think I need to find someone I don't know to move in to my apartment so when I end up hating them I don't feel bad"

While drunk in a hotel room in Vegas: "I guess I could go down and play by myself (also hahahaha that sounds dirty, dirtier if I said with myself, side note wtf is wrong with me)"

Still drunk in a hotel room in Vegas:
Me: Hi my name is Esther and I make all sorts of terrible decisions
Jason: Your mom should shackle you down
Me: That's abuse and I don't appreciate you advocating for it
Jason: Hahahahaha
Me: Time to play, perhaps?
Jason: Yes but use protection
Me: They don't allow condoms at the craps tables. I've asked before

"Omg I'm wearing three different shade of grey right now. I don't know why I feel the need to share that but I do. I want to make a joke about how there's no black and white, only a hundred shades of grey and I'm wearing all of them. I look like I belong in pleasantville."

I hope you all have friends like Jason. Or friends like me! Because we're both awesome. YEAH.

Uh oh, not again...

So I was recently thinking of giving up alcohol. Again. I gave up drinking from a few days before my 20th birthday until my 21st birthday for a few reasons - the first of which was the amount I was drinking was a little out of hand, the second was I wanted my 21st birthday to be special. I kind of wrote about some of this before in my old blog, which you can check out here if you want.

Anyway, the reason I was thinking of giving it up now isn't because I'm out of control or anything, but I feel like it's killing my brain cells. WHAT?! ALCOHOL KILLS BRAIN CELLS?! NO WAY. At least I think that's why I was thinking giving it up. I can't remember. Damn you, brain cells, I kind of need you sometimes.

I think I was talking about doing this to a few friends of mine while slightly (ok, maybe very) intoxicated at a party at my place the other night. The only problem with me giving up drinking is that I've heard I'm way less fun when sober. From a few different people. Which is kind of a terrible thing to say to anyone. So that's fun, thanks guys! But that was the reaction that I got when I decided to quit drinking back when I was 20, was that I'm not as fun when I'm not drinking. That's such a depressing thought. I can be fun! I just have to feel less hateful.

I think it also has to do with the fact that I make some pretty stupid decisions. And while they make hilarious anecdotes, they aren't always necessarily the best decisions for my life. But as long as they make good stories, that's all that matters, right?! Plus, I make bad decisions while sober, so maybe the alcohol has no effect on me. (Um, really? In what universe would that happen? No universe, that's where.)

ALSO, HERE'S SOMETHING I DID WHILE I WAS SOBER! SO THERE! 

Ok, well, that was a terrible post but I really wanted to share that video. But check out that segue! How awesome was that?!

hip...hip hop...hip hop anonymous?

I went to a dance show this weekend, which was awesome. I seriously think that I should just take like 500 hip hop classes and then I'll be knock your socks off good at it (that's a thing people say, isn't it?).  I mean, here is proof that I'm pretty good at hip hop already after JUST ONE CLASS!

I know, right? Amazing.

I GIVE GREAT ADVICE

If you have questions, feel free to ask. I give great advice. Obviously.

Humiliation! #1

I was reading an article on HelloGiggles that said something about how a person's life is really measured by their humiliations. Well, GOOD! Because I have a lot. But humiliating life experiences make good stories, right? Kind of.

The first thing that popped in my mind was when I was at a memorial service for my friend's grandmother when we were about 11 or 12. (I know, this is hilarious already, right? Just stick with me, it'll work out, I promise. And if not, leave a comment and I'll give you cookies.) My Havurah (pseudo-family in Jewish-speak) was all there as a support system. There were a handful of families, and they all had kids. So, once the "serious" stuff was over, everyone in my age group went into another room to hang out, talk, and play the game of LIFE.

Now, this was no ordinary game. Of course, you have the regular board game where you decide if you want to skip college and get a job, or go to college and then get a job, get married, get some kids, and drive around in a happy little car thing with pink or blue pegs. But our version of the game was a covert version of spin the bottle. Each person had a number on the spinner, and whichever number came up was the person who would get kissed. Smart, right? If a parent came in, it looked like we were playing LIFE, so it was safe! We looked like good kids! Not up to anything out of the ordinary! Making life choices! (bad pun, sorry)

WELL! It was my turn to spin, so there we were, going at it, for about seven seconds (this was pre-french kissing, so we just had extended smooches). About halfway through, everyone started laughing, and I had no idea why. GUESS WHAT?! The Rabbi who had done the service had walked in!

(I hid in the bathroom for the rest of the evening.)

Already a hussy at only 11. Jeez.

Yay embarrassment!

(Also, as I was writing this I commented on someone's status and no one responded to what I thought was hilarious so yeah. Humiliation continues. Cool story, bro.)

Edit: I was just informed by my mom that this actually took place about 10 years ago, and not 14. Good. I guess that makes me a little bit less of a hussy? That doesn't seem right. Good luck figuring out the timeline that doesn't make sense!

Valentine!

Someone found my blog by going to getdentalimplants.com. How does that even happen?!

Anyway, Valentine's day is just around the corner (TUESDAY!) and my plan is to watch Wall-E, eat ice cream, and try to hold hands with myself. Because that's what Wall-E does until he finds Eve! And my lifelong goal is be like Wall-E. Clean the earth and put it in boxes by sticking it in my belly. What? I don't know. But I don't rain on your life goals, so don't rain on mine. Plus if you did, I'd rust. (Get it? Because I'm a robot? Yeesh, terrible.)

So I'll leave you with this lovely Valentine's Day card! Hope you have a wonderful Hallmark Holiday!

Made by my good friend Brian Monarch.  Get the template here!

DREAM JOURNAL

Last night I had a dream that I lived in a house full of comics and an OCD comedian I know came over after I had emptied a box of clothes that I was trying to get rid of and I was like "WHAT TERRIBLE TIMING FOR YOU TO SEE THIS!" And then I asked if my box was done being used and then I laughed at myself because I made a vagina joke in my dream. And then I woke up.

Just a normal conversation...

Just a disclaimer

Listen. Just because I listened to something that you produced does not mean I'm in love with you. Yes, maybe I did come to a show that I wouldn't have normally come to, but NO it was not just because you were there. Well, maybe that was part of it. But I know you! And I had nothing else to do! So why not?! I'm not stalking you, or coming to your house and holding a radio over my head saying something along the lines of "OH MY GOSH WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!" or "WHY WON'T YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND?!" One, I'm not that kind of girl, and two, I don't know where you live. Also this is not an 80's romcom and that shit doesn't work anymore. Or maybe it does, I don't know, it's never happened to me. I'll make sure to report my findings if/when that happens. Although my window faces an alleyway with huge garbage bins so, that's unlikely. Unless the guy likes garbage. In which case I'll have to change my scent...actually, no, I'll keep what I'm wearing. Smell garbage on your own time, buddy. I'm not that kind of girl!

So...now that we've gotten THAT out of the way...wanna make out?