Hmm...

I just wanted to let the world know that during last night's midnight earthquake, my response was to take off my pants. This was a reasonable reaction in my half asleep state.

Clearly I am the kind of person you would want around in an emergency. Clearly.

Labor Day Ineptitude

Last night I tried to make a smoothie and failed. Apparently I don't know how to use a blender. Exciting night!

Then today, I asked a friend of mine if I should sign up for speed dating. She read "special ed" and thought it was a normal question for me to be asking.

Happy Labor Day!

65 years and still going strong

My grandparents' 65th anniversary is today. That's nuts! And awesome.

Anyway, I thought I'd share the speech I gave at their party on Sunday. Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My grandparents are pretty great. Obviously you all know this, because you're here today to celebrate the love that these two wonderful people have shared for 65 years. When I think about it, I can hardly fathom that amount of time. My longest relationship was two years, and just that blip seems like a long time to me. 

One of the things I love most about about them is how encouraging they are. Not in the generic "you can do it" kind of way. They push. Grandpa has told me more times than I can count that I need to stand up for myself so people don't walk all over me. Not because they do, but just as a reminder that I'm a person that should be thought of when taking things into consideration. And grandma continues to tell me that I can do anything I want to do, because I'm smart enough to figure out how to make whatever I want happen. Everyone can always use people like them in their corner.

Something else amazing about them is how caring they are, not only towards each other, but to everyone around them. I have heard from both of them numerous times that if something is bothering me about what they're saying or asking or doing, to make sure I tell them and they'll stop doing it. Of course, I haven't needed to because of how wonderful they are. They always want to make sure that everyone around them is having a good time. And I know they appreciate all of you being here to enjoy this celebration with them.

They are great role models, and I hope that when I grow up, I am as delightful to be around, as sassy, and as in love as these two fantastic people I get to call my grandparents.

Notification Validation

Facebook is probably ruining my life.

The red notification number. That's all I want to see. When I'm on googlereader reading blogs, I just toggle my screen to check on Facebook to see if I have any new notifications. Watching things on hulu, during the commercial breaks, I check. WRITING A BLOG POST, I CHECK.

For me, and probably a lot of people, a notification is the ultimate sign of validation. I'll post a status, hoping that someone will like it or comment on it. And if they don't, usually within 15-20 minutes, I delete it. Because I can't stand the fact that I've put something out there that no one can identify with. What's the point of sharing something if no one cares?

I know, you're supposed to do everything you do for your own enjoyment, but...sometimes, the validation is what you need. Most of the time, I need validation. I don't even have a good reason for it, really. My parents are still together, I had no real childhood problems (as far as I know), I wasn't adopted or abandoned (except by an afterschool program, but they didn't really have their act together)...so why do I need to be validated so much?

This new feature facebook has, where it tells you if people have seen your message is really screwing me up too. They had that on my old phone with bbm, where it would show you if something was delivered and then if it was read. It gives you a complex! "They've seen my message, but they haven't responded. Why haven't they responded? Do they hate me? Are we in a fight that I forgot about?" Just thinking about it is stressing me out!

I need a xanax. (Is that what people take? I should get on facebook and check that.)


*Things I didn't touch on that facebook is also stressing me out about: Business success, engagements/new relationships, babies. I don't have any of these things. WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i made a video...blog!

You guys! I made a video! You should watch it.

If you want.

(No pressure.)

(Please watch it.)

Thanks!

okcupid! okstupid! aah! what!

I have officially been on OKCupid for...ew, way too long to count. I just went back in my email to check because I was SURE it couldn't have been as long as it has. I was wrong. I've been on there since March 11. MARCH. IT IS ALMOST JULY.

Originally, I signed up on there because I wanted to have some good stories to tell about some terrible pick up lines sent to me that I wasn't sure if they were actual pick up lines or if that's how the guys on there talk. (Still not sure if they were serious or if they sent me terrible things because I set myself up for it.) I wasn't even going to respond to messages because that's how little I had invested in this project. I just thought it would be funny! And it was, for awhile. Well, funny and gross. And then I figured, well, why not respond to messages and see what happens? Again, more stories will come from this! Hurray blogging material and life experiences!

And then I started exchanging phone numbers with people. Meeting up with them, going on a few dates.

And then I was brutally murdered and chopped into little pieces.

Just kidding! Obviously. (Or am I? I guess you'll never know! Nah, you're smart. You'll figure it out. Probably.)

I went on a few dates that seemed promising, and then never heard from the guys again. I went on a few dates that were really terrible and didn't STOP hearing from the guys. (Isn't that how it always is?)

And now I'm in a happy relationship! I met someone off OKCupid! And we're getting married! And you're all invited!

Just kidding, again. You'd all be invited, except I haven't been able to go on more than 2 dates with any of the guys on there. Apparently I'm not just bad at life, I'm bad at guys. YAY!

Anyway, after all the "gems" I received on OKCupid, I decided that I would do what any normal person would do...(if you guessed delete my profile you would be WRONG)

I signed up for Jdate again!

Hopefully this time it'll be better, but if notttttttttt then I'm probably destined to die alone. That's cool, I already bought a stuffed animal. And my roommate has cats. WIN WIN WIN!


Here are some of the delicious things I received while on OKCupid:

"Hey, your eyes are so sexy, where are u from ? I'd like to get to know u :) "

"Are you a human or just an account the website created to get guys to join?"

"call me up, we'll do something fun your kind of sexy in a cool sort of way" - thanks for the backhanded compliment, dude

BUT THIS ONE IS THE WINNER AND YOU'RE WELCOME BECAUSE NOW YOU HAVE A TEMPLATE FOR SENDING GIRLS MESSAGES:

"Dear (insert girl's name here),

How are you? I am fine. What is your favorite color? Mine is burnt sienna. I can see from your profile that you are a girl of many interests. You like (insert activity from her profile here) and I do too. You also like (insert DIFFERENT activity here) and I also like that too.

Do you enjoy candlelit dinners, romantic movies and long walks on the beach? See, I do too.

I wanted to write this special message just for you today, (insert girl's name again), to tell you just how amazing it would be if we went out on a date to (insert fun, but not too expensive, date venue). As you can tell, we already have so much in common like (insert activity, music and food selection) that our connection is bound to be very strong and passionate and will only grow stronger and more passionate when we discover more about each other, (insert girl's name).

That sounds really good, doesn't it.

I look forward to your response so that we may both set off on the magical journey that is our destiny, (girl's name). You are the only girl on (insert the dating website here) that I have felt any connection to and the only one that I have written this very special message to.

In closing, I will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite poets:

(Insert poetry quote here)

Truly,

(insert MY name here)"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy internet dating!

So sad :(

At least I have a carrier for my groceries. Which is a cart. In my apartment. I need to put the carrier in my car so I can use it to carry my groceries from my car to my apartment. I NEED A BOYFRIEND TO CARRY MY GROCERY CARRIER TO MY CAR!!!!

I live a sad life.

:(

texts to jason! (PART TWO)

Slutty McSlutterson over here.....

Just kidding, I don't sleep with that many guys. The main man in my life right now is Pigglywinks! He is a lovely stuffed pig that I bought for myself a few years ago when I didn't have a Valentine. He keeps me company every night. Yes, I am a child. OH WELL! BABIES HAVING BABIES.

texts to jason!

Sometimes I have things that I want to share, but haven't figured out the right platform for the little tidbits of wisdom (sidenote: not really wisdom) that I want to impart. For these, I have Jason. I met him when I was moving into my apartment back in March of 2011. I was supposed to go to Disneyland with him the day after I met him with two of my other friends, but I had a liiiiiittle too much to drink the night before and was a tad too hungover to go. Jason was very understanding, even though he had driven all the way up to my house (20 minutes away), and pretty much ever since then we've been good friends. Or maybe it was the night that we went to a bar and I kissed a girl? One of those.

Anyway, here are some of the fun things I've shared with Jason for no other reason than I FELT LIKE IT.

"Would you like to vajazzle your va jay jay? Come on, you know you like to decorate your jewels!"

"Can you please approve my decision to order a pizza?"

"Omg my life is a never ending hilarious joke that only I think is funny. So it's a never ending hilarious inside joke"

"I am having a panic attack about how amused I am at my life. It's ridiculousssssssssss"

"I hate me. And everyone. Consistency!"

"I think I need to find someone I don't know to move in to my apartment so when I end up hating them I don't feel bad"

While drunk in a hotel room in Vegas: "I guess I could go down and play by myself (also hahahaha that sounds dirty, dirtier if I said with myself, side note wtf is wrong with me)"

Still drunk in a hotel room in Vegas:
Me: Hi my name is Esther and I make all sorts of terrible decisions
Jason: Your mom should shackle you down
Me: That's abuse and I don't appreciate you advocating for it
Jason: Hahahahaha
Me: Time to play, perhaps?
Jason: Yes but use protection
Me: They don't allow condoms at the craps tables. I've asked before

"Omg I'm wearing three different shade of grey right now. I don't know why I feel the need to share that but I do. I want to make a joke about how there's no black and white, only a hundred shades of grey and I'm wearing all of them. I look like I belong in pleasantville."

I hope you all have friends like Jason. Or friends like me! Because we're both awesome. YEAH.

Uh oh, not again...

So I was recently thinking of giving up alcohol. Again. I gave up drinking from a few days before my 20th birthday until my 21st birthday for a few reasons - the first of which was the amount I was drinking was a little out of hand, the second was I wanted my 21st birthday to be special. I kind of wrote about some of this before in my old blog, which you can check out here if you want.

Anyway, the reason I was thinking of giving it up now isn't because I'm out of control or anything, but I feel like it's killing my brain cells. WHAT?! ALCOHOL KILLS BRAIN CELLS?! NO WAY. At least I think that's why I was thinking giving it up. I can't remember. Damn you, brain cells, I kind of need you sometimes.

I think I was talking about doing this to a few friends of mine while slightly (ok, maybe very) intoxicated at a party at my place the other night. The only problem with me giving up drinking is that I've heard I'm way less fun when sober. From a few different people. Which is kind of a terrible thing to say to anyone. So that's fun, thanks guys! But that was the reaction that I got when I decided to quit drinking back when I was 20, was that I'm not as fun when I'm not drinking. That's such a depressing thought. I can be fun! I just have to feel less hateful.

I think it also has to do with the fact that I make some pretty stupid decisions. And while they make hilarious anecdotes, they aren't always necessarily the best decisions for my life. But as long as they make good stories, that's all that matters, right?! Plus, I make bad decisions while sober, so maybe the alcohol has no effect on me. (Um, really? In what universe would that happen? No universe, that's where.)

ALSO, HERE'S SOMETHING I DID WHILE I WAS SOBER! SO THERE! 

Ok, well, that was a terrible post but I really wanted to share that video. But check out that segue! How awesome was that?!