Thursday, August 11, 2016

True Love is Worth Fighting For...Week 2 of Bachelor in Paradise!

Week 2 night 1!

When we last left off, Chad had gotten kicked out of Paradise after turning it into HELL.

Chad yells at Chris Harrison for a bit, who has been edited in from some woods-y area from Woodland Hills because he isn't in the same area as Chad anymore. And now Chad is eating protein in the car as he drives away. Bye Chad!


Leah arrives! She was on Ben's season and spread rumors about Lauren B, who Ben ended up with. Whoops! She's looking for Chad. Because they both really like protein, so it's a match made in heaven. You should just leave and find him, Leah! BYE. Since Chad is gone, she goes around trying to meet all the guys to decide who to go with. She ends up asking Nick on a date. Amanda is sad because she likes him.

We come back from commercial to watch the twins eat bananas. Jared and Vinny look on, practically drooling. "That's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the night."

Lace talks to Jorge while she takes shots. Then she pulls a quick high school moment and asks Vinny to talk to Grant and then send him her way. Vinny goes back and Grant goes over to talk to her! Grant tells her that he's pretending like the whole thing with Chad never happened.


Leah and Nick's date. Leah trips. Whoops! They drink passion fruit margaritas. "Passion fruit, lots of passion in there!" Leah says that she's attracted to that lumberjack look, and that makes me think she doesn't know what Nick looks like. Leah and Nick kiss! And he's super not into it...but kisses her anyway. Ew. AND THEN SHE SAYS "That last splash just got me so wet!"

Leah and Nick are back from their date. "It was lovely," they both say.

Uh oh....another date card arrives...and it's for NICK! Two dates in one day?! Oh snap. Leah is SURE that he's going to pick her buuuut instead he picks Amanda! Leah tries to psyche Amanda out by telling her to stop being her. Because they "look similar"...Leah is crazy. She's on a rollercoaster of emotions. THE FIRST DAY SHE'S HERE.

Amanda and Nick's date was cute! He's so nervous. Also, Nick's job is "Runner Up."

Bird! Fire! Crab! Leah being sad. Nick and Amanda kissing.

Sarah goes over to talk to Vinny because she hasn't connected with anyone yet. Vinny walks her home! Cuuuuuuuuuute.

Carly and Evan are hanging out. They decide to go to bed (separately)...Carly kisses him. EW. No. Evan is in loooooooove. Carly says the kiss was VERY bad. Ewwwwwwww.

Lace decides to get down and dirty with Grant to make sure he gets his rose. They cover the camera up to get it on...but then somehow, the camera gets uncovered! SEXY TIMES.

Rose ceremony is coming up! The guys have the power this week, giving out the roses.

Sarah and Vinny hang out, and then Vinny kisses her! Sarah likes him. Izzy and Vinny talk now...and then Vinny downs his drink, likely to try and sterilize his mouth, and then kisses Izzy! OH EM GEE. SO sleazy! Vinny, you suck.

Leah tries to secure Nick's rose, but he thinks he's going to give it to Amanda. Leah tries to get Daniel's rose instead and they have a very confusing conversation about onions and oranges. But Leah thinks she'll get his rose!

Daniel decides to go speed dating with all the girls to decide who he'll give his rose to.

Rose ceremony! Three girls could go home. Haley and Emily count as one because they're twins.

Grant gives his rose to Lace.
Nick gives his rose to Amanda.
Evan gives his rose to Carly.
Jared gives his rose to Emily (and Haley).
Vinny gives his rose to Izzy.
Daniel gives his rose to...Sarah!

Bye Leah and Jubilee! Jubilee is probably going to stay away from Mexico. Leah should go find Chad.

Uh oh. Josh has arrived. Josh is Andi's ex-fiance. He comes in with a date card...and asks Amanda! He's very into Nick's ladies. Rude. Apparently everyone is just finding out about Nick and Josh being final two...Does no one watch The Bachelor?! Jeez.

Side note: Daniel's Canadian accent is the best.

Montage of Josh and Amanda's date intercut with Nick being sad walking on the beach. Josh and Amanda kiss and Josh moans a lot.

Evan has a date card! He asks Carly and she definitely does noooooot want to go. Very reminiscent of when Ashley asked Jared last season. Yikes. Carly doesn't even change for her date, that's how reluctant she is to go. Her romper is super cute though.

Their date is a mess. They have to eat the world's hottest pepper and then kiss for 90 seconds. Evan is super excited, and Carly wants to die. EW. Somehow they manage to get through it, kissing for just over 10 seconds longer than they have to! Evan also cops a feel while they're kissing. And there's a drool string when they separate. So gross. And thennnnn Carly goes and pukes. We feel the same way, girl.

Emily and Jared are laying in one of the sun beds. She has a four step system to get him to kiss her. Step one: small talk. Step two: compliment him. Step three: turn on your side or find a way to get him to put his arm around you. Step four: put your face near his face. But Jared doesn't kiss her until she's starting to walk away.

Josh and Amanda are back from their date. Josh just leaves everything in god's hands and doesn't care about Nick's feelings. And now Josh is making out with Amanda in front of everyone. That's so rude, guys. Rude of Josh because he doesn't care, but also rude of Amanda because she's in front of Nick, and they went on a date and like...does she not care about his feelings? What the hell. Also Josh moans a lot when he makes out with Amanda. Ew.

Week 2 night 2!

We start out with Daniel counting out how many abs he has, just in case he lost one during the night. Josh and Amanda are also making out.


Daniel is trying to get Nick to confront Josh about their whole relationship but also, no. Nick is taking the high road and avoiding them.

Daniel is now trying to get Sarah to be more interested in him. Sarah is intrigued by him but also cautious because he's a little weird.

Aaaaand Christian shows up! He was on JoJo's season. A lot of the girls are already interested in him. Christian asks the guys to go chat to see what the deal is, and then he asks Sarah to go on his date! Daniel is worried.

Lizard of some kind! Birds!

Carly and Evan are now describing their date to different people. Carly is explaining it as deadpan as you possibly can, and Evan is pretty much in love. Carly decides that she needs to tell him that she's not interested in him. Which, good for her that she's actually telling him. He seems to take it pretty well although he's bummed about it. Jared describes it to Carly pretty well: "You guys went on a date, and you threw up. I don't think it's going to work out."

Christian and Sarah's date is really cute. They do a bunch of physical activities and Christian is super supportive of her. They kiss!

Evan is still upset, trying to decide if he should pack his stuff up and go or if he should try and make a connection with someone else.

Brandon is here! From Desiree's season. Even Chris Harrison doesn't remember him. He gets a date card! He asks Haley. Carly is sad.


Haley is drunk! She's an adorable drunk. She started crying because she wants the girls to braid her hair!!

Christian and Sarah come back from their date and Daniel is sad that Sarah seems interested in Christian.

Josh and Amanda are still making out in front of everyone.

Daniel gets some chocolate strawberries and champagne and shares it with Sarah. She seems to like him because he's keeping her entertained and making her laugh a lot. But they also seem to have a good serious conversation. Sarah says that she had a good time on her date but that it would've been more fun with Daniel. Aw, Daniel says he wants to kiss her...but he doesn't want to give her the zika virus.

Brandon and Haley go on their date. Haley and Emily are going to play a trick on Brandon and do a switcheroo. Whyyyyyy. Brandon can't tell. That's sad. But also it's the first date so like how would you expect him to figure that out so quickly?

Josh and Amanda, Grant and Lace, and Vinny and Izzy are all sitting on the same bed thing making out with each other.

Evan has decided to go pursue Amanda because they have the "parent" connection. We'll see what happens with week!!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

It's BACK!!!! Bachelor in Paradise Has Returned!

I am so flippin' excited you favorite summer show is back! Seriously, whenever anyone asks me what my favorite show is near summertime, it's HANDS DOWN Bachelor in Paradise. I don't know if it's the cheesy theme song, the extra appearance of Chris Harrison, or just Jorge's magical existence that makes it my favorite, but whatever it is, my summer is greatly improved when this show returns.

We start the episode out with a thrilling sneak peak that we've seen at least four times already thanks to it being shown to us during The Bachelorette. SO MUCH DRAMA TO COME, GUYS!!

MAIN TITLE!! Where they show everyone who is going to be here during this episode. Hurray!

Chris Harrison gets a drink from Jorge! I love them and their cute relationship. Aw, he's mentioning Jade and Tanner. Who will find love this summer? Kick back, relax, grab a drink, and LET'S ALL FIND OUT TOGETHER!

Let's meet the people!

First up are the twins, from Ben's season. They've already decided that they're not going to date the same guy this season. We'll SEE!!!

Next is Nick, runner up during both Andi and Kaitlyn's seasons. Poor Nick, living in Silver Lake, not able to find a lady on his own. Oh look, he's doing crossfit. How original. He's interested in Jubilee!

Now we meet Jubilee, from Ben's season. She suffers from the same affliction as me, Resting Bitch Face. She's been working on it. We'll see if that shows during the show!

Evan! From JoJo's season. He's the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist and he's STILL NOT OVER THE FACT that Chad "ripped" his shirt. So they show him literally buying the same shirt. Come on, Evan. It was a sound effect. Yes, maybe he stretched it but that's not the same. And really, it was too tight on you anyway. Evan says he's excited to relax in Paradise with some beautiful girls, and hopefully not Chad. But guess who we meet next...

Chad! From JoJo's season. We're given a montage of him threatening people and eating, and then him walking his dog! And putting a lot of protein things in his suitcase. He's interested in Lace!

So of course now we meet Lace, from Ben's season. She says that it didn't go well because she drank too much and that she wasn't crazy. So of course, now that she's going to Paradise that's definitely going to change, right???

Daniel, the Canadian! He's Chad's best friend from JoJo's season. We're gifted him trying to say "Bachelorette" and failing, because he's Canadian. Actual quote: "You can't get rid of me, I'm like a disease that just won't go away, like herpes. I don't know if I want to be associated with's treatable nowadays so it's not a big deal, right?" Can't wait for more gems like this from him.

Amanda! From Ben's season. She's a mom. She's also super into upspeak and glottal fry. It's great? I love upspeak?


Amanda is the first to arrive in Paradise. There are birds! "Falling in love here would be amazing."

Nick arrives! He's nervous. "All I can do is have an open mind and see where it goes, and see what happens."

Jubilee! Ben dumped Jubilee in Mexico, so she's hoping being in Mexico goes better this time.

They mention Chad being next and then play scary music!!

But it's Evan. Jubilee calls him "The Penis Guy" which is pretty accurate. She says she'll try to remember his name and not call him "The Penis Guy" but we'll see.

Vinny arrives! He's from JoJo's season. He's in "Puerto Vallarty" and he's "ready to party."

Carly is here! Last season she found love with Kirk and then he broke her heart. But she's back! Second chance at love! She's going to test drive some cars this time. Cars being dudes. Stick shift. Sex jokes.

Grant! From JoJo's season. He was a fireman. Is a fireman? Who knows.

And now Daniel arrives. Wearing jean shorts. Grant says hide your belly buttons because Daniel is here. Daniel is not impressed with the women that are here. Jubilee tells Amanda not to make eye contact with him.

Another mention of Chad, another shot of birds flying away and scary music playing.

Grant says he doesn't know about all these birds, something bad is going to happen. One of them dive-bombs into the water, scary music plays and...DUN DUN DUN...COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Pelicans! As pointed out by Vinny.

Sarah shows up! From Sean's season. She wants to do this because she saw love come out of her season and she went to Jade and Tanner's wedding. Chris says "I want you to walk back up these steps an engaged woman." Sarah says "Wouldn't that be amazing? That's like my dream." Here's hoping! We're not in the business of dream crushing...

Aaaaand Daniel tries to get Vinny to rank girls. Vinny thinks Sarah is beautiful!

The twins! Uh oh, Daniel has his eye on them.


And now it's...Izzy? No one knows who she is. I guess she was on Ben's season? Sarah says what we're all thinking...she looks exactly like all the other girls we've seen on this show.

Izzy and Daniel go to chat. It doesn't not go well at all. Yikes. Daniel. Stop. Izzy's face is just like "...please stop. Why did I decide to talk to you?"

Lace arrives! Grant says he's pretty good at reading people, and he can already tell that Lace is a mess. But I know from promos that Grant and Lace date so...SPOILER ALERT.

Nick puts sunblock on! Good job. One of the twins points out that everyone is getting naked, and Nick says "well, that's the idea." OCEAN SEX GUYS! First episode and it's already happening. Daniel and Vinny high five. The Twins run holding hands. PARADISE.

Jared is back in Paradise! From Kaitlyn's season and last season of Paradise. Jubilee has a crush on Jared but she's a little drunk. She's trying to play it cool and wait for him to come over to their group but... UH OH Sarah and Jared are going to chat! Oh snap.

OH NO. Camera shots of alcohol not moving, birds moving their heads...and then footsteps. WHO IS IT?! Glasses falling off tables, birds freaking out...HE'S COMING! Tiger moving in through grass, birds squawking more...the ocean....COMMERCIAL BREAK!

More shots of animals being scared. Chad has arrived! A crab heading back into it's hole. Quick shots of a bunch of people's faces to pretend like they're afraid that Chad is here.

Izzy is into Chad. Sarah is trying to pretend like Chad is maybe an ok human and Carly is sad about her thinking that. Lace is instantly into Chad, too. Aw, Chad apologized to Evan about things that happened on JoJo's season! How adult.

And now Daniel and Chad are in loooooooove. Literally everyone can see it, including Carly and one of the twins. Chad thinks everyone is hot, which is the opposite of what Daniel thinks.

Chad and Lace take a shot of alcohol. That's not white wine, Lace. You said you could only do white wine!

Chris Harrison explains how Bachelor in Paradise works. Guys have the roses this week. The twins count as one person?! WHAT THE FU. Ugh.

Nick finds a date card! Jubilee's name is on it. She asks....Jared. Which Emily is not happy about, because she wants to get to know him. Jared says yes!

Sarah gives us the breakdown of what's happening in Paradise so far: Izzy and Vinny are hitting it off, and Lace and Grant seem to have something going. Lace asks Grant if he wants to take a shot with her, so they head up to the bar and she immediately starts in on him. "You don't ask questions about me, just so you know." So she leaves chat up Chad. Daniel says that they're both the crazy ones, so maybe it's a match made in heaven. Or a match made in hell?! First kiss of Paradise is Chad and Lace!

Commercial! Crab.

Lace and Chad are alternating between fighting and making out. Daniel asks Chad if Lace is the love of his life, and then they go back to making out. Sexy. Nick compares them to rats because they make a lot of babies and then bite each others heads off? They're calling each other like dogs now. Seriously? What?

Ugh there's still half an hour of this show not including commercials.

Jared and Jubilee's date! They have a room full of pinatas that they get to hit! I'm really jealous, I love hitting things. Or wait, they're just sitting down. Do they not get to hit them? And now there's a creepy ass clown...Oh good. Now they're hitting the piñatas! Yay!

Izzy and Vinny are totes dating now. Sexy. Second kiss, Izzy and Vinny! Nice hair change, Vinny. That definitely helped.

Bachelor in Paradise literally has no idea which twin is which either. No wonder they're counting them as one person.

Aaaaand now Chad and Lace have broken up. And an awkward silence covers the island. Chad is talking a bunch of shit to everyone and calling Lace a bitch. Sarah is stepping up and telling Chad what she thinks of him, and he's just a drunk monster. He tells her to keep sucking a dick. Where is security?

First tears of Paradise go to Sarah because of how much a douche Chad is being. Ughhhhhh. And now Evan is following Chad trying to "talk" to him, but Chad looks like he's going to beat him up. Now Daniel is trying to talk some sense into Chad, as his only friend on the island, and Chad comes back with "you're being so un-murdery." Actual quote, folks. Chad says he just wants to make out, and Daniel says his chances of doing that are "slim to numb."  Uh oh, now Chad is trying to fight Daniel. Daniel says he has no problem punching a friend if he has to.

CRAB! Chad falls down, drunk, and goes to sleep. Crab on his head! Aaaaand literally 30 seconds of Chad snoring.


More crabs! And Daniel, doing weird work out things.

Evan is wearing an extra necklace, and Chad has woken up naked.

Chris Harrison! He calls them up into...the Rose Palapa.

They're talking to Chad about how the things he said were awful - he told everyone on the staff of the hotel to suck a dick, called Sarah and Lace names, and was completely disrespectful of everyone. And how he has turned Paradise into Hell. Chris Harrison is kicking Chad out of Paradise!!!!! Chad doesn't understand that this is real. BYE CHAD. Or maybe not....