Thursday, August 28, 2014

Threesomes are confusing when girls have beards - episode 5 of Bachelor in Paradise!

Just in case you missed it...Monday night's episode AshLee started talking smack to Zack about Clare doing it in the ocean back during Juan Pablo's season. Michelle took it upon herself to tell Graham (the guy that AshLee is in looooooove with) because they're BFFs. Rose ceremony started out normal enough, with Lacy picking Marcus and Clare picking Zack, but when it was AshLee's turn and she called out Graham's name, he walked out!

And now, back to the show...

Oh no! Graham feels like he's going to pass out! Everything thinks it's because he's seeing how AshLee really is. Clare thinks it's weird that AshLee isn't checking on Graham to make sure he's ok. But it's not. He's just hot.

Back to the rose ceremony! Nobody likes AshLee because she's a smack talking two faced crazy person.

AshLee asks Graham to accept her rose, and he does.  

Oh no! Now Lacy is feeling sick! Is she preggo? Or just really affected by AshLee? Hmmm. She doesn't seeeeem that empathic... Marcus is taking care of her (like a good boyfriend should) as she gets carted off to the hospital. WILL WE EVER SEE HER AGAIN?!

Back to the rose ceremony...again. Chris Harrison! They're going to continue without Lacy and Marcus. Kalon is ready for the rose ceremony to be over so he can get some 24 hour room service back at the hotel. Is that a euphemism? Probably. This is Mexico, right?

Michelle picks...Cody!
Sarah picks...Robert.
Jackie picks...Jesse. Poor Marquel! Jesse just wanted to get a rose so he could get with all the other ladies here, and Marquel actually liked her. Sadface.

Lizard! Bird! Clare!

Claaaaaaare you can't say you guys are unbreakable!! Another girl is probably about to show up and break you just because you said that! You people learn nothing!! And in an unexpected turn of events, Christy shows up from Juan Pablo's season! (I feel like all these people are the ones who went home the first night, because they do NOT look familiar.) Uh oh. Christy is into Zack. And she has a date card! And she tries to be funny while reading it and fails miserably. Sad for you. Pretty girls can't be funny, everybody knows that. Everyone sits around awkwardly. Sarah goes and tries to let Christy know who is claimed already, which is cute, but she's still going to do her own thing. She picks Zack! Surprise.

Awwww Zack said no. Which is great because he and Clare JUST HAD A DISCUSSION about how they're both putting each other's eggs in each other's baskets. Or whatever.

Sarah takes Christy to meet Jesse. Christy is going to take Jesse on the date! Which is exactly why he wanted the rose from Jackie, so he can experience Paradise. Hey-o.

Jesse and Christy's date. I am very bored. Oh my gosh! They went into a tequila store that I've been in! How relatable. They're talking about the whole experience of this show and how if someone new comes in they should jump at the opportunity to go out with them if asked, and now I feel like Christy is going to use that against Zack later but maybe it's because I just don't trust anyone on this show. It's like a petrie dish.

Jackie is alooooone. She's the only one not coupled up right now. A date card arrives! For Sarah! That's her second one! She asks Robert. Awwwww yay. What cuties.

Robert and Sarah's date! He says romantic like eight times. And they toast to Sarahdise. Vomit. TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT THAT THEY'RE FINALLY GOING TO KISS AND MAKE OUT ALL NIGHT LONG. Aw and he says the best part of Paradise is spending time with her. And she said she wore black just for him because he said he likes black. Oh my gosh they need to kiss. They're so cute. I just want them to kiss. And make out. Am I Sarah now? They're going to go swimming.  OH MY GOSH JUST KISS ALREADY OH THEY DID IT YAY CUTE FINALLY. Ok, that's enough.

CODY IS DOING BACKWARDS PUSH UPS USING MICHELLE. (I don't think that's what they're called.) Wow. And now he's painting her toes...Is he trying to be her best friend or date her? Ok, at least he knows he's moving fast. HAHAHA Michelle changing the subject "Can you believe how big your quads are?" Smooth.

Jesse and Christy are back from their date. Jackie looks uncomfortable. Aw, Christy and Jesse are making out now. But Zack is having second thoughts about not saying yes to Christy. Ruh-roh. Zack is trying to figure out if a relationship with him and Clare is the right thing to do, if they're the right fit. How many times are they going to talk about this? Is it because of the whole AshLee thing last episode? Because maybe they should just go in the ocean and work it out. So now Clare is heading out into the jungle to find her raccoon friend! THERE HE ISSSSSS!!! And a typo in the subtitles. Awesome.

Aw, now Clare is going to leave. Because this isn't paradise for her, it's torture. Bummer. Zack snores anyway, get away from that mess. They're playing torture/horror movie music. I love that the entire show is all about the music to tell us how to feel. She's got the crazy person music going on behind her during this speech that she's giving Zack. And now Clare just told Zack she's going to leave, and Zack doesn't say anything. Aw, but he put his arm around her. That's a nice gesture. He wanted them to be perfect? And a beautiful magical thing? Yeah, Clare, get out of there.

A new lady person shows up! It's LUCY! OH MY GOSH LUCY IS AN ORIGINAL PERSON. She's a free spirit. From Juan Pablo's season, she used to get naked all the time. Because she wants to be freeeeeeeeeee. She has a date card. Aaaaand she's already naked. She picks Jesse to go on the date. He's ok with it because Lucy is naked when she asks, and he's like "Paradise should have more naked people!" And apparently Lucy and Christy are already besties? I wish I could make friends that easily. Yeesh.

Lucy and Jesse's date. "Lucy has an incredible personality, and I can't wait for her to take her top off again." COOL. Don't these people know they're on tv?

Wow, Christy is sunbuuuuurnt. Ouch.

Date card shows up! Michelle got it. She asks Cody. Cute! They're getting an engagement photoshoot! OH MY GOSH HE'S PRACTICALLY PROPOSING TO HER AND THIS IS THEIR FIRST DATE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA HE TELLS THEM TO CHANGE CLOTHES AND THEY GAVE HER A WEDDING DRESS TO CHANGE INTO. Hilarious. Oh my gosh, you guys should really watch this show. I mean, don't, let me do it, but seriously. Damn, Cody looks good in his clothes though. Michelle puts the wedding dress on after talking to herself in the mirror like a person who has craaaaacked up. Cody is all into it and Michelle keeps yelling to everybody that this is their first date. Hilarious. This is the best.

AshLee gets a date card and she surprisingly asks Graham. They get to drive cars. Graham says after seeing AshLee drive he knows she's ready for a minivan. Please please please don't reproduce.

Aaaaand Marcus and Lacy are in love. He just told her for real. So. Ok. Lucy and Jesse made out and then something happened. He probs got a boner? It was hard to tell. They were being weird.

Now Jesse is giving shots out to everyone! SHOTS! Aw, and Christy is crying because she's all by herself. And she thinks she's going to go home tomorrow. So she's going to talk to Jesse tonight! To see if they can do it. Probably. Jesse is saying that he didn't really want to go on the date with Lucy...but...ok, now Christy and Jesse are making out. This show is an STD waiting to happen. And nowwwww they're going to get it on. They're in bed! Something scandalous was going on under the covers (thanks cameras!) AND NOW THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE A THREESOME! WHAT!!  Lucy just showed up...LUCY YOU ARE CRAZY!

Cocktail party!

Robert and Sarah
AshLee and Graham
Michell and Cody
Marcus and Lacy


CHRIS HARRISON! Guys get to hand out the roses tonight.

Two girls were supposed to go home tonight, but Clare left on her own accord. So....guys, do what you gotta do!

Zack is thinking maybe he can get it on with Jackie now since she's not really with a dude, and she went on a date with Jesse, but he had a threesome so he's probably not going to go with Jackie anymore.

I want to be friends with Sarah. She's hilarious.

Jesse has to decide which girl he has to pick - Lucy or Christy, but Lucy is trying to talk smack about Christy now. Lucy is being evil! Wow! She told Jesse that Christy didn't realize it was him when he crawled into bed with her. RUDE.

Chris Harrison!

Michelle doesn't know what's going on in Paradise. You and me both, Michelle.

Rose ceremony!
Robert picks...Sarah.
Graham picks AshLee. (Which disgusts Lacy. Me too girl.)
Cody picks Michelle.
Marcus picks Lacy. (proposal soon?) Reactions: Jesse rolls his eyes, Jackie smiles, Chris Harrison smiles, Zack yawns. Ok guys, stop making out already.
Zack picks...Jackie. (He really misses Clare already, obviously)
Jesse picks.................................oh my gosh pick someone already. Christy! Aw, bye Lucy. Sorry your threesome antics didn't work out so well. But Jesse couldn't even remember Lucy's name so that is only mildly surprising.


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Eggs in a Basket...Episode 4 of Bachelor in Paradise!

You guys. Before we get into the recap, I just want to say...there are two episodes this week. And each episode is 85 minutes long (without commercials). THAT IS A LONG FREAKING TIME TO WATCH THESE PEOPLE. So. I just wanted to let you guys know in case my recaps start going a little off the wall. Because you can't be sane to watch these shows. And also, that's why they're usually so long. Because there's just so much ridiculousness to comment on that I can't stop.'re welcome? And I'm sorry.


Last week on Bachelor in Paradise...

Elise and Chris B left to make sparkly babies while she nurses his knee, but Chris B gave his rose to Michelle M so she could stick around and find the love she, uh, "deserves." Graham caught wind of AshLee's crazy, but they're still together. Clare and Zack are still doing it in the ocean. With sea turtles. Marcus and Lacy still go swimming in the hot tub together. Marquel gave his rose to Jackie, a redhead. Robert gave his rose to Sarah. I'm yawning through this recap of last week.

We start off tonight's episode right after the rose ceremony again. Michelle is getting hugs from all the guys because of Chris B giving her his rose. Howwwww sweet.

Date card shows up! Marquel offers to read it, because he wants to go on all the dates and hopes it's for him but it's for...Robert! Robert, who just gave a Sarah his rose. Michelle hopes he'll ask her buuuuut he chooses Sarah! Good job Robert. I'm proud of you. Aw, and now Michelle goes and cries in the bathroom! Michelle, why would he pick you now when he JUST gave his rose to Sarah? Like really? I know you want love but the rose ceremony just happened liiiiike six minutes ago. And now she's talking about how being a single mom is hard and a lot of responsibility and that's probably why all the guys are avoiding her. Yeah, I'd guess it's a combination of that and the fact that you've got a mild case of crazy. Just talk to a wild animal and it'll tooootally get out of your system.

Sarah is excited for her date with Robert. Michelle is doing Sarah's hair because she has somehow opened a hair salon in Paradise.

Robert and Sarah's date. OMGosh, "this is definitely turning into Sarahdise"!!!!!!! LADIES!!! STOP ADDING YOUR NAME TO PARADISE. Or maybe I'm just jealous because that won't work with my name. Moving on. They jump in the water from a boat. Cool. Mexicooooo.

Lacy and Marcus are building sandcastles! That is like, the cutest. Michelle is counting off who all the couples are because she's allllllll aloooooone (at a drive in mooooooooviiiiiiiiieeeeeeee - Grease the musical reference, sorry, I'm a nerd).

And now Cody shows up! He's from Andi's season too! These peeps gotsta stay relevant, yo. Cody has the biggest arms! Damn. And obviously he shows up with a date card...and picks Clare! She asks if they can go on a walk and talk about it, while they show images of Zack beating his chest and pointing to her saying "no, she's mine." Ok, I made that up, but I can feel that coming! (that's what she said). FORESHADOWING!!!!!!

Cody says that Clare was one of his favorites, and she quickly comes back with "I thought Andi was one of your favorites?" NICE ONE CLARE. And then they show a shot where the whole group is standing around in a circle with Clare next to Zack but she's still walking with Cody?! Come on editors, get it together. Clare says she started something with Zack, and Cody tries to convince her that she should go on a date. Persuasive. Clare is going to chat with Zack and then get back to Cody. Cody, you just got here, so points for you for being outgoing. But! Cody! I thought you were better than trying to steal someone else's girl away from them. Although I guess that's what this show is about? KEY PARTY! Just stay outta the ocean.

There is a lot of talk about eggs and baskets in this conversation between Clare and Zack. Clare doesn't want to put all of her eggs in one basket anymore because she's made the mistake of putting all her eggs in one basket before and she just doesn't want to do that anymore. And Zack says that since the second he's been here he's put all his eggs in Clare's basket and that's not how sex works, Zack. But also remember you've only been together for like 5 days so....chill out.

And now Cody is all up in Clare's business flirting with her. She's who he came here for, he wants to get to know her. "Stop, you're making me bluuuuuush!" She wants a guy who steps up, but she really wants Zack.

Question - do they have like pro bikini waxers in Paradise? All these ladies are walking around in their bikini's nonstop and that's just cuh-razy.

Now Cody is trying to figure out who he's going to take on his date because Clare said no. BUT CODY IS HEARTBROKEN THAT CLARE SAID NO. YOUR FIRST DATE (that didn't work out) AND YOU'RE ALREADY HEARTBROKEN?! COME ON. And here I thought we had seen it all already. Aw, Cody is giving Marcus the date card. That's so cute but also kind of sad. Aaaaand I doubt you need me to spell this out for you, but Marcus picks Lacy. You guys, I am so thrown by all the twists and turns this show has.

Marcus and Lacy's date. Booooooring. They haven't told each other that they love each other yet. YET. YETTTTTTTTT. Oh wait. He accidentally said he loved her for who she is and then changed it to say I like you. AWKWARD. Make out sesh.

Zack and Clare are going to talk and Zack wants to tell her again all about his eggs being in her basket. Reproduction. Zack wants to give it a shot just the two of them. But Clare hesitates before saying anything back! OH NO! Oh but good, they're back together. I was suuuuper worried. They're going to invest their time in each other. And buy some eggs. And put them all in a basket. Of love. In the ocean. For the sea turtles.

Aaaaand back to Michelle not having a connection with anyone. And now someone is coming! Oh snap! Who is it? It's a gentleman. It's a gentleman for the ladies. And Michelle is excited. And it's Kalon! Who is Kalon? Ohhhhh Michelle doesn't like him. I guess he said some bad stuff on Emily's season? He has a date card. Who will he pick?! He picks Michelle, literally two seconds after she says in her interview "I do not want to spend any of my time in Paradise with Kalon." Hmmmmmmmmmm. Storm's a-brewin!

Kalon: Michelle is a beautiful, beautiful woman. I just want to zipline into her [bleep] and just be like ahhhwwww. I would motorboat the shit outta that.

Well, this just got interesting. Slash gross.

Now Michelle changed her mind and turned him down minutes before they were supposed to leave on their date. Because he called Emily's child baggage. So now he has to find someone else to take! He asks Jackie! She says no. While he's sitting right next to Sarah. So then he leaves. Then Jackie leaves for a second! But now Kalon comes back! And asks Sarah. Sarah says no! You go ladies!   So now he goes on his himself! Looks like he won't be in Paradise for long...He's literally having a conversation with himself playing both parts. Great.

Oh Marquel - you ask what can possibly go wrong? So much. And now we see a sand crab. So...feelin' itchy? And now another dude shows up! It's Jesse. He was on Jillian's season and Bachelor Pad. And he has a date card! He asks Jackie! And she says yes! And Marquel...changes into a tank top. Ok.

Jesse and Jackie's date. He's using his words to lull her into a false sense of security that he is not strategizing, and she is totally falling for it! Come on Jackie! And now they're dancing in front of a band, just the two of them. Supes awk.

THIS JUST TURNED INTO A PORN! Everyone is getting massaged and they zoom in on the fire and they're playing sexy music. Sexxxxxxxyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Uh oh. AshLee is talkin' smack about Clare while in the hammock. She just told Zack about Clare's ocean escapades while she was in Vietnam with Juan Pablo! I can't believe AshLee just said that! It's because she didn't know about the cameras. But seriously, how can you be on this show and think that you're safe saying anything about anyone without the camera catching you? You're still wearing your mic pack! Aaaaand now AshLee feels bad about what she said, but she totes meant it. Bad news bears!

So AshLee tells Michelle and Lacy about what she said. Then Lacy told Clare what AshLee said! And now Clare is pissed! So Clare asks to talk to AshLee later, and AshLee knows that Clare knows! DRAMAAAAAA!!!

And now Clare is talking to Zack about it. And he doesn't understand that you're supposed to have your girlfriend's back. He wants to be with her, but he didn't stand up for her. Uh oh. Bad energy.

AshLee and Clare are going to conversate! Clare just told AshLee they are not friends. Damn. AshLee is trying to say that they were just talking in a general sense. But she straight up said to Zack that Clare [bleep] in the ocean. Soo....playback? (Now I'm wondering if Tierra really was crazy or if it was all AshLee? During Sean's season I mean. But he ended up with Catherine and she's awesome so who cares! Inside knowledge.) AshLee is trying to prove to Clare that they're friends and that she cares about her and didn't want to hurt her feelings or offend her and it's like wellll you shoulda thought of that before you starting talking to people. And now AshLee is trying to say that SHE's not upset with CLARE! UHHHHHHHHH WHAT UNIVERSE DO YOU LIVE IN ASHLEE?! HA! AshLee tries to hug it out and Clare says "I'm good." Nicely done.

And there is still so much time left in this show.

AshLee just called Clare a bitch when she was all on her own. Wow. WOW. Crazy eyes, good job.

Cocktail party!

Chris Harrison! Ladies are handing out the roses tonight.

Couples are...
AshLee and Graham
Clare and Zack
Lacy and Marcus
Sarah and Robert

Which leaves

Aw, now Cody is talking himself up to Michelle. And the more he spends time with her, the more he wants to get to know her. That's sweet. And now they're in looooooove! Aw, first kiss! Cayute.

AshLee hasn't told Graham what happened, so Michelle wants to tell him. Because they're friends. Michelle doesn't trust AshLee. Graham doesn't know what to do. Probably because he doesn't want to get murdered if/when he doesn't accept AshLee's rose.

Chris Harrison!

Rose ceremony!

Lacy picks....Marcus.
Clare picks...Zack.
AshLee picks...Graham....and Graham pulls a runner!
Michelle goes to check on Graham! WHAT'S GOING ON?!!?!???!!!!???


There was a serious lack of wild animals in this episode and it makes me sad.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

A Sea Turtle Means New Life - Episode 3 of Bachelor in Paradise!

Last time on Bachelor in Paradise...

Lacy and Marcus are still canoodling. AshLee (is crazy) and Graham are still together. Clare started doing it with the ocean...and is with Zack (a newcomer to last episode). Michelle and Marquel are still hangin' out even though he thinks she drinks too much. And Sarah, in a CRAZY turn of events, picked Robert and sent Dylan home.


We start exactly where we left off last week, right after the rose ceremony. UGH MOVE ON ALREADY. We get it, Dylan didn't want to accept Elise's rose, Sarah didn't want to get involved, Elise gave a weird speech and chose Chris B instead. FIND A RIVER, BUILD A BRIDGE, AND GET OVER IT. And now they're talking about the weird speech. And AshLee called Elise crazy. Again? Really? Pot, meet kettle.

Michelle and Marquel are totes gonna get it on tonight. Marquel is calling her pretty and she's telling him there's nothing regular about her. And then there's her doing a voiceover saying "nothing can come between us." EXCEPT NOW THERE'S A NEW PERSON IN THE HOUSE! BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUM!

It's Danielle, from Juan Pablo's season! And surprise surprise, she has a date card! And she's going on a flight! Sexy. In trying to figure out a way to pick a guy to go with her (she just got here, she doesn't know anyone, etc etc) she asks for suggestions on how to choose who to go with. Someone (I have no idea who) suggests she spend time with each guy, but Michelle says "or don't." HANDS OFF HER MAN. Cut to Michelle's interview where she says she can take whoever she wants, just not Marquel. Cut back to the group, where Danielle says she might have had a feeling about who she wants to take, and Michelle tells her to go with that. AND SHE PICKS MARQUEL! You guys, this is writing itself.

And now Danielle says she came here for Marquel. Really? Did these people seriously know who was going to be on this show before they came on? I doubt that. Because every time they show an interview with the people for the Bachelor or the Bachelorette they're like "do you want to know who the bachelor/bachelorette is going to be?" But maybe since these people are all rejects they get to know? SCANDALOUS. (Not really.)

Michelle is going to cry about it. Because "it's happening again." Happening again? You weren't even with Ben. If that's what you're referring to. Or maybe the old seasons since this is your FOURTH TRY? Sad face for you, Michelle. Sad face.

Uh oh Michelle. You're over Marquel and into Robert now?! You should have thought about that before giving the rose to Marquel and not Robert. Everybody is so wishy washy! That must have been a requirement before being let on the show. "Do you like coffee or tea?" "Um, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I like coffee, sometimes I like tea." "You're in!" Ugh. Or maybe it's just that the guy you chose went with someone else and now you're going for a backup. Sigh.

And now Marquel and Danielle's date. Boring. On a plane. In the jungle.

Back to Michelle wanting Robert. And Robert being confused by her not giving him the rose. Clare, you're doing a great job of fake talking Michelle down from off that ledge.

Date card! Elise gets it. And now AshLee is jealous that she still hasn't gotten one. Oh snap, Clare is trash talking AshLee in the interview! AshLee thinks she's the queen bee, but Clare is not having any of it! AshLee, get outta here with that top dog nonsense. Lacy says AshLee should just enjoy her time in the house with Graham, because her relationship with Marcus is just amazing all the time, no matter where they are and they should be like that too. Awwwwww vomit.

Oh no! Chris got hurt! By walking! I know that feeling man. But he sprained his knee. Sad for Elise. Now they can't go on their date. Oh no! What is she going to do?! This is Paradise though, there's no way he's going to sit this one out. Let's be real.

Back to Danielle and Marquel's date where she tells him she has a crush on him. And now they're flirting. UGH COME ON BRING BACK THE DRAMA. Uh oh, the wind picked up. Oh my gosh, there was a lightning strike right next to them! Everybody get inside! Commercial break.

Aw, look at everyone frolicking on the beach. How Paradise-like! Oh my gosh! Elise and Chris are going on an overnight date! STOP THE PRESSES! Sexy time. But Marcus thinks Chris is a player. Or a play-uh. (I had to spell it like that so you wouldn't think I was spelling beach en Español. Right? I think that's right.) But Marcus doesn't like Chris all because he tried to crash his season with Andi. He really missed out there. (Not really. There's no way he would have gotten very far there.)

Date time with Elise and Chris. And his knee hurts. Boo hoo.

Again with the Michelle and the Robert thing. Ugh. Clare and Michelle come up with a plan to have a double date that will be "supes sexy with like five thousand candles" to show their guys that they are like so totally into them. Michelle is going to invite Robert and Clare is inviting Zack (because they've already done it like eight times in the ocean, although not this episode). Oh no! Sarah sees Clare and Michelle getting ready! Michelle is telling Sarah that she gets that Sarah wants to get to know Robert but that's sooooo not happening. I mean, she can, because that's the whole point of this place, but like, no. It's not going to happen. Poor Sarah! Always getting the short end of the stick, even though she gave Robert her rose! But Robert likes Sarah. So....I guess we'll see!!

More date of Elise and Chris. #blessed "You will be blessed for being so sweet to me." Ugh. Gross. Chris says he likes to talk but he's doing a lot more listening than talking, which is fine, but he's ready to get down and dirty. That means he wants to "DO IT" for our folks at home who don't know the lingo. And they get another date card while on the date? What? No. It's a sex card. Oh wait. But they get two keys. OR THEY CAN STAY TOGETHER IN A ROOM AND DO IT. I wonder which they'll pick?!!!!????!? Well, they're in the pool together so....OH! And then they're in a room. I heard noises that are so NSFW!!! But then they cut in  Chris saying "My knee hurts" to make it ok?! OH MY GOSH! Supes inappropro.

Cut to a frog swimming.

Poor Sarah. Everyone left her alone at the house. Except that Lacy and Graham and AshLee and Marcus are still in the house. Ok. Aw, Sarah's crying now because she's not confident. Come on Sarah. You can do it!

Marquel and Danielle are back from their date and Michelle is all OMG I am TOTES over Marquel. Marquel likes to play games and I am so not into that. Robert Robert Robert let's make out. I'm Michelle and I haven't kissed anyone yet, Robert give me your lips so I can have them.

Danielle ominously says "I'm having a good time, but there's always that little twist that new people are coming in." CUT TO A NEW PERSON'S SEXY LEGS AND A DATE CARD. Damn, they know how to tell this story, for realz.

And it's...Jackie! From Sean's season. And when she tries to figure out who's paired up with who, Michelle pipes up "It's a new rule, you just pick whoever you want." I mean, I guess she's totally into the round robin thing now that she's getting used to it, right? Jackie picks Marquel! Uh oh Danielle. Now what? Michelle is just badmouthing Marquel, saying he's open to "every possibility." UH SO ARE YOU! She's crazy. I am learning all the things not to say when in life.

Uh oh. AshLee's crazy is showing! Talking about Graham meeting her dad and how they would have hot babies. And now she has a date card! She and Graham are obviously going on a daaaaaaate. And they're totally going to get marrrrrrrrrrried. Except that this is their first date. And Graham is hinting that he's not going to give AshLee his rose!!!


Marcus and Lacy are still together. Woo freaking hoo.

Danielle is already dropping the L word! Seriously? You've gone on one date. ONE DATE. COME ON. And now Marquel is on a date with another girl! COME ON. But it seems like Jackie and Marquel are hitting it off. Uh oh. Sad for you Danielle.

And now Elise is taking care of Chris because his knee is still out of whack. And then she says "Chris is my man now. Forever." FOREVER?! Really?! Last week you were like so totally in love with Dylan, and now it's you and Chris? Come on Elise. Have some standards. Or don't, whatevs.

Aw, that was nice of Sarah. Trying to talk some sense into Elise. Buuuuut she's too far gone to get any sense knocked into her. But nice try.

Whoa! A sea turtle comes out of the ocean and lays it's eggs on the beach! Clare thinks it means new life. That's what happens when there are eggs. Babies, new life, etc etc etc good job.

AshLee and Graham's first date! Ooooh and her crazy is showing right out the gate. (It might be easier to say when it's not showing?) She told him she follows his instagram and knows what kind of person he is because of it...and Graham seems to be wising up to her crazy! He's got the big eyes, which to me means he's thinking "WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?!" #embarrassing He's saying they should take it slow, and she says "this could be the next step." BABIES?!" And they get their two room keys. Is AshLee going to try and get him to stay in her room? Probably. Buuuut he doesn't want to get murdered. Ok, that's enough shots of AshLee's butt camera people slash editors. Come on. Aw their first kiss! But they don't sleep together. Good job Graham.

Cocktail party time!

Michelle wants to explore things with Robert. We get it.
Clare is excited to see the dudes because they haven't seen them in a day.
Chris is making sad noises because of his knee. But other than that his life is graaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyte.
Guys are handing out the roses tonight, and Chris Harrison looks like he is all about paradise.

Couples happening right now:
Chris and Elise
AshLee and Graham
Lacy and Marcus
Zack and Clare

That leaves these wildcards:

Aw, Sarah and Robert are super cute! Robert brought five blue shirts, and he told Sarah already, and she suggests they go shopping. Super cute! But uh comes Michelle to talk to Graham about Robert...Robert shows up...Graham walks away...awkward now Michelle and Robert will go mingle! Good job.

Danielle is laying it all out on the line to Marquel, buuuuut he totes already made out with Jackie and not with her so....

Rose Ceremony time!

Graham gives his rose to....AshLee. (WHOA! Big surprise.)
Zack gives his rose to...Clare. (Yawn.)
Marcus gives his rose to...Lacy. (This is such a shocking rose ceremony.)
Marquel gives his rose to.............Jackie. (Sorry Danielle.)
Robert gives his rose to..............................Sarah! (I just cheered a little. You guys, am I getting invested in this show? RIP Michelle.)
Chris gives his rose to...Elise. Buuuuuut he says he can't give her the rose. RECORD SCRATCH - WHAT?! Chris and Elise are both going to leave the show and do it like alll the time. So he's kind of giving her the rose? But now they're moving in together. (I'm guessing.)

I guess the moral of this story is if you want to find love and get married quickly and have babies go on Bachelor in Paradise and make sure your guy gets injured.

But then in a sweet/crazy turn of events, Chris gives his rose to Michelle so she can stay in Paradise and find another dude to find love with. Aww. Maybe she'll find love...with Graham! And this show will be called Murder in Paradise instead? Hmmm....

Montage of Chris and Elise makin' out and taking shots and being together. Everyone is surprised that she's leaving with him. Really?

HAHAHAHA DANIELLE! "This isn't paradise. This is....Marq Hell." NICE.

Oh boy that was a doozy.

Next week there are two episodes! OH SNAP!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise: The Second One!

Last time on Bachelor in Paradise:

Marcus gave Lacy a rose when he should have given it to Sara. Also Robert was expecting to give his rose to Lacy, but ended up giving it to Clare because of the Marcus swoop-in. Ben gave his rose to Sara, as a pity thing. Elise and Dylan are already almost in love because that's how timing works. AshLee is crazy and Graham is somehow down with that. Marquel and Michelle M have something going on but it's fairly unimportant.

I think that's the all we need to know here.

Welcome to Paradise...

We open with Chris Harrison telling us who he is and that this is the second episode. Because sometimes it's confusing if you don't know what number episode you're watching. And apparently we are "not going to believe what's coming [our] way tonight." You're right Chris. Because it's just too much amazingness. And also we've seen this show before so maybe we will believe it...Buuuuut you know best, so do your thang.

Last week, Michelle K left because she had decided that no one in Paradise was for her. Now they're going to tell us why she peaced out! So we can stop wondering! Because that's what I spent all week doing, I don't know about you. I was VERY concerned.

OH MY GOSH. SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH THE GUY IN THE NEXT ROOM FROM HER AT THIS HOTEL THAT THEY WERE STAYING AT. They unlocked the doors to their adjoining rooms. "And we can only imagine where it went from there." Let's just be real. Sex. It went to sex. Probably. Stop beating around the bush, Chris. We're all adults here. (That's questionable, actually.)

This sentence literally just happened: "Unfortunately, Michelle refused to give her side of the story, so I'll fill you in." WHAT. And now a reenactment is happening. What are you doing Bachelor in Paradise? Did you really need this much filler? I'm sure you could have filmed all the other girls crying...

Basically Michelle and some random crew member started practicing making babies before Michelle went to Paradise. When the cast wrangler came to talk to her and take her to the psychiatrist (nice touch, gotta keep those crazies sane somehow I guess?), the random crew member hid on the balcony. AND THEN HE JUMPED OFF THE BALCONY. AND BROKE HIS LEGS. Or his feet? Or something. What the what.

They spent five minutes on that. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I have never been so relieved for a commercial break.

We come back to Clare and Lacy (seriously with these names) talking about how Paradise should be all about sparkles and butterflies. Like I said, all of us being adults is questionable. Lacy is feeling a-static about Marcus giving her the rose.  (Maybe she took speaking lessons from Juan Pablo.)

Close up of some new dude's butt carrying a date card. (I just reread that and it is great imagery. You're welcome) And also a lizard. OH NO! A NEW GUY IS COMING! The guys are worried. Seriously, did they not know what this show was when they decided to be on it?

It's Chris B! Who tried to get on Andi's show by staking out the bachelorette house for a week! Even though he didn't know when they were going to start filming! (That guy will totally fit in here.) Marcus says "I hope he's not thinking of stealing anybody's women." I didn't realize this was Bachelor in Cave People Times. Where's your club, Marcus?

AshLee wants to know what Chris's motives are here in Paradise because he's got a questionable reputation. AshLee, he's here to find love. And murder people. Just like you! Maybe you guys should date.

Chris chooses Clare to go on a date! Good job Chris. No drama. Except she says "I can get more ready if you want me to."

They go to a spa. Couples massage. Boring.

Robert doesn't understand how this show works either. Lacy is holding hands with Marcus on the beach, in front of him, after Marcus gave her his rose. Robert thinks that HE should be holding hands with Lacy. Hmmm...Maybe you should stop watching them through the weeds, Robert.

Date card! And it goes to Marcus. I wonder who he'll pick? Probably Elise, right? Although if these promos are anything to be taken seriously, I sense something else coming down the pipeline with her... And he picks Lacy! Whoa. I am like, so shocked. I can't believe it. Is this what Chris was hinting at during his intro at the beginning of the episode? Because man. Pick my jaw up off the floor.

Back to Clare and Chris's boring date where she tells him about all the gossip she heard about him. Blah blah blah. Oh wait, I guess Clare and Chris are in love now. COOL.  Shot of them in the ocean.

Dylan and Elise are in love. Drawn to each other. Connecting on so many levels. On EVERY level. Nudge nudge, wink wink. (Sex?) It's been literally one week. But wait....Dylan might not be happy....he feels smothered! Oh no! He wants to go on dates with other people. He wants to see if this is "something real" or something that "just happened." Uh... This is Paradise. Obviously it's real!!!!!!!

Robert is still feeling shocked about Marcus and Lacy. He wishes she wasn't snake-y. And of course, as Marcus and Lacy walk off to go on their date, everyone is sitting around the picnic table (because community!!) commenting on how they're the sexiest couple of the year. Except Robert who is very sad face.

Boring date time. Where they'll talk about Marcus's history with Andi. Which was five seconds ago. Ughhhhhhhh I'm so bored. Come on. Where's the drama?!

Shots! Nice. Oh god. YOPO. You're Only in Paradise Once. Wouldn't it be YOIPO then?

Uh, Chris and Elise are flirting. Oh god, Elise is like, a real girl. She's talking to everyone, and then she's going to Dylan asking if it stings to see her get to know everyone. Good move Dylan. Run away. More shots! And now Chris and Elise are in the ocean. Making out. SCANDAL! And Michelle is drunk. Aw, Clare. What are you going to do? You were so sure that Chris would get your rose, and now....SO SAD. If only you had gone in the ocean with him first and shown him your signature move...which is (spoiler!) ocean sex.

And I can't believe I'm only half an hour into this show.

Elise wants a relationship and to get married and to have a family. Buuuut she doesn't care with who. Healthy. (Speaking of, this show is making me inhale chocolate.) Dylan and Elise are going to have a serious conversation about her talking to other people. He TOLD her to go meet other people, and she ended up kissing a dude, and now he's mad about it. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, DYLAN. OH MY GOSH. RUDE. Ok wait, he's not mad. Her kissing someone else just made him realize that their one week relationship wasn't going to work out. I'm not sure who the girl is in this relationship anymore, let's be real. Also, Elise says that Dylan is literally killing her right now. But she looks pretty alive to me. So...


And now a new guy shows up! Zack. Who also has a date card. He also chooses Clare. She gets all the dates. Because of all the sex she talks about. Probably. I mean, that's just a shot in the dark.

Date. With Clare and Zack. Boring. Into the ocean they go.

Dylan isn't going to take Elise on a date. Even if Sarah says no, he's not going to take her. recap. Dylan and Elise are totes broken up. But Elise is getting dressed for their date. But he's going to ask Sarah! Sarah is going to think about it. Sarah over talks it with Elise and now she's going! Because Elise thinks that because Sarah is going, Dylan is still hoping to work it out with Elise. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. UGH. PEOPLE. COME ON.

In a weird turn of events, Elise is talking to AshLee about the situation...and AshLee calls her crazy. I don't think AshLee knows what she's talking about.

And now Sarah and Dylan are on a date. Also boring. They're just complimenting each other. And talking about Elise. And Dylan thinks that Sarah is hilarious and like talking to your best friend? But the filming did not really show seems sketchy...

Oh my gosh! Ben is still here! I forgot all about him because they give him zero screen time. OH NO MARCUS YOU WENT INTO BEN'S BACKPACK?! And now they're reading a note that was in there. Oh man. Sounds like he has a girlfriend?! OR he has an old letter because he's a normal person but he brought it on the show because he's a crazy. Hmm. Toss up. Let's find out! Yes, Marcus. I think the right thing to do is definitely to confront him. Good job. Waves crash. (Literally, they showed a shot of the waves crashing.)

Ok, so Ben found it in his backpack when he got to Paradise. Sure, that sounds legit. I mean, anything can happen, a dude literally jumped off a balcony at the beginning of this episode.

Clare is going to be a spy. CLARE! You SUCK at being a spy! She straight up just asked Marquel what was going on, and he was like "Ben has a love letter" while he was in the middle of sitting there talking to Ben and Marcus about the sitch. That's like...I guess the only way to do it in Paradise, instead of just listening in on the conversation. That's how normal spying works, you know. And now they're all going up there! To find out what's going on! BAM! CONFRONTATION! And now Michelle is crying. I thought she was with Marquel? Why is she crying? She just wants to let Ben know that she's offended because he took someone's spot who she could have had a future with.

Now everyone is questioning why everyone is here. Are they here for the right reasons? Michelle, this is your fourth go around on a show like this. Your FOURTH! How is this still news to you? Damn, Ben. You suck. Again. The good news is we didn't have to watch much of Sarah and Dylan's date! And Ben is gone. SEE YA!

Cocktail party and rose ceremony time!

The girls get to give the roses out this week. Fun! (Sure.)

Hypothetical Couples going into the rose ceremony:

Marcus and Lacy
Graham and AshLee
Zack and Clare
and Marquel and Michelle. (Then why was she crying so much when she thought Ben was here taking someone else's spot? Michelle. Get it together. Oh. It's because she was drunk. All the time. Marquel may have just talked himself out of a rose by saying she likes to drink. Now Robert swoops in! Right when Marquel says something mean to Michelle! (Not really mean, more of an observation.) Nice swooping, Robert. Why isn't this show just called Key Party? Michelle asks Robert if he thinks she drinks more than anyone else here. I GUESS EVERYONE HERE IS A GIRL. UGH.)

Dylan and Elise have a loooong drawn out conversation that could have been cut short by Dylan saying this: "Hey Elise, don't give me your rose, I will say no." Instead he beats around the bush and talks about how they have a great friendship and she should explore what she has with Chris and go for it and blah blah blah. Come on Dylan! You've already talked to her! You know she doesn't understand things easily!

Finally, the rose ceremony!

Lacy gives her rose to....Marcus. (Poor Robert.)
AshLee gives her rose to Graham. (Duh.)
Clare gives her rose to Zack. (Also duh.)
Michelle gives her rose to......Marquel! (Poor Robert again.)
Elise gives her rose to............(ten minutes later, after multiple interview cut ins, ugh)......Dylan. EVEN THOUGH HE SAID NOT TO. So he says no. Now Elise is making a speech? This is weird. Everyone is making weird faces. And there's weird music. We get it. It's weird. Did she just say her wedding vows to the group? Oh good, now she offers her rose to Chris. And he says yes! Phew. That's over.
Sarah gives her rose to...ROBERT! WHAT! I literally gasped! SARAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! Dylan is gone!

Sarah sums it up pretty well. "That was...awkward." YEAH IT WAS! GOOD JOB!

Aaaaaand that's all for this week.

See you next time in Paradise, where it will hopefully not make me eat as much chocolate. Because seriously I feel bad about myself now. (Although I'm not sure if that's the chocolate or the watching of this show....)

Wednesday, August 6, 2014


me:  omg bachelor in paradise is hilaaaaaaaarious
me:  seriously, best new show of the summer. there's no way this can be real. NO WAY
Jennifer:  really? give me the low-down (if that's a thing.)
me:  Ok, so first there's this one girl from Juan Pablo's season, Lacy - yes LACY, who goes in the ocean with TWO DIFFERENT GUYS
me: OMG
me: and everyone's like "she's here for paradise, what what"
me:  That's the first day. Right after they meet. so then they haven't even been there for 24 hours yet and this one girl (AshLee - yes that's how you spell her name) has laid claim on this guy Graham. She basically says in her interview that the only reason she came on this show was so that she could maybe meet him because they were MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. WHAT. So then there's a date card that will come, and whoever gets the date card gets to choose who they want to accompany them on the date. So Clare (spelled without an i) gets the date card and she chooses Graham!!! SO then AshLee starts crying! And hiding in the bathroom! Because Clare picked Graham!
me: So then Clare starts venting (TO A RACCOON!!!! nice editing) about how Clare wasn't here for drama (uh, what, you're all drama) and how she didn't mean to upset AshLee and that she didn't even know that AshLee liked him
me: My favorite is this other girl Daniella who knows AshLee from when they were on Sean's season together, and she was like "yeah, i'm not even going to talk to Graham because I don't want to get murdered in my sleep"
me: So then Clare talks to Graham and tells him that she didn't know that he and AshLee had a thing already (WHAT) and so she's going to choose someone else to go on the date with her
me: She picks Robert, who is one of the guys who went in the ocean with Lacy on the first day
me: OMG
me:  And now Clare and Robert are on a date at the ruins (they're in Mexico?) and all of a sudden he gets covered in ants while carrying this backpack (probably filled with ants on a time release thing because Bachelor in Paradise) and Clare is just like "take your shirt off, you're covered in ants!"
me: you sly dog, you, Clare
me: And that's where I'm at now
me: I think I'm going to use this conversation and liveblog the rest of the episode because it's too good


Of course I'm bored now. 

Clare is like five minutes away from telling Robert she loves him because he's sitting next to her in a high place and she thinks she's going to die. Because she's "afraid of heights"...
And now they're in the ocean, because duh.

Lacy decides that since Robert is no longer a viable option for her, she's going to talk to Marcus, the other guy she went in the ocean with and who's not over Andi because HER SEASON ENDED FIVE SECONDS BEFORE THEY STARTED SHOOTING THIS. 

Lacy and Robert start talking about each other's eyes because they don't have much else to talk about. 

THE NEXT DATE CARD ARRIVES! What drama will ensue now?!

Sarah gets the next date card and thinks it's a joke. NEVER JOKE ABOUT THE DATE CARDS. THEY ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Her date is tonight. TONIGHT? Tonight. Oh my gosh.

She's so excited but nervous because she doesn't usually ask guys out on dates. Oh, did I mention Sarah only has one arm? That's probably why. Because she doesn't have a lot of confidence in herself. Sarah, you've got a bangin' body. Just do it, like Nike says.

Sarah picks Marcus. LACY WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?! Bummmmmer.

Sarah and Marcus are going on a date to a bathroom? Because they don't speak Spanish and it's like...Mexico. And now they're getting into their bathing suits because they figured it out kind of. They're going in a cave. In their bathing suits. SEXY. Sarah sees water. It's an oasis. And Sarah is scared to jump in. Because, duh. So then they jump into the water together. Because BACHELOR IN PARADISE. They jumped in holding hands. How romantic.

OMG SARAH WANTS TO KISS HIM BEFORE THEY JUMP IN! WILL HE LET HER?! Only time will tell. Oh, he does. Duh. Ok, we get it. Relationship!!!!!!!!!!

Lacy is worried about Robert and Clare. Tonight has been "really hard" for her because "both the guys" she's interested in got dates. And now she's crying. That's a tear count of 3 so far, for those of you keeping track at home. 

Robert suggests walking on the beach because that's what you should do when a girl is crying in front of you. She asks if he kissed Clare on their date, and he says no. So now she feels better about him and thinks he's super interested in her. That's how the world works, man.

DRAMATIC MUSIC AND FEET. What's going to happen now?!

Another roommate shows up! And it's a girl! Now there are 8 girls and 6 guys, and two girls are going home this week.  BUM BUM BUM!!!! (And Graham is the first person to hug the new girl. Soooo she's toast.) AND SHE HAS A DATE CARD ALREADY. 

Uh oh. New girl is taking Graham into the other room...AshLee is going to kiiiiiiiilllllll her. Uh oh again. New girl (her name is Michelle, I guess?) just said that she and Graham love each other. Bad news bears for AshLee! Aw and then they did a cute little handshake thing. That's true love.

AshLee tries to talk to Graham and UH OH TROUBLE IN PARADISE. But everything is ok now. Everyone is just going to get murdered in their sleep. No big deal.

Aw, Michelle asks Marquel to go on the date with her! Crisis averted? To be determined...

I'm bored again. They're riding horses. And talking like normal people. And going in the ocean.

Lacy gets a date card! Who's she going to take? Robert? Marcus? AshLee? She's 80/40 in deciding. That's not how percentages work, Lacy.

She picks Robert! Clare thinks she's going home. Marcus is disappointed that Lacy picked Robert. "As of now, I'm thinking of giving my rose to Sarah." Ok Marcus, but just remember that once you give away your rose, you don't have it anymore. You'll have to give the next one a sweater. (Obscure Gilmore Girls joke, anyone?)

Boring date again. Interspersed with Dylan and Marcus talking about how Marcus should play hard to get. 

WAIT. WHAT. Marcus is saying that he came on the show with a lot of walls built up, and Lacy broke them all down. It's been two days and they've had one, maaaaybe two conversations. And one of those was in the ocean. When they couldn't even hear each other. So basically, her taking most of her clothes off broke down your walls, Marcus? I thought you were better than that. And you weren't even the first one to go in the ocean with her, Robert was! COME ON MAN. Get it together.

Cocktail party slash rose ceremony time!

Going into the rose ceremony, the paired off couples are:

Elise and Dylan
Michelle M. and Marquel
Ashley and Graham
Lacy and Robert

Which leaves:
Clare (who nicknamed it "Claradise".....I'll just leave that here)
Michelle K (didn't even remember her name) 
Daniella (my fave)

(let's be real, this whole post is a spoiler)
Marquel gives his rose to........

Michelle K bows out! How romantic. Oh my gosh! She totally already has someone that she's with! She spoiled that at the beginning of th episode when Chris asked if everyone was single! And she said "maybe!" because it's paradise! OH SNAP! You played them.

Ok rose ceremony for real now.

Marquel gives his rose to.......Michelle! She accepts. Shocker.
Graham gives his rose to.......AshLee. She accepts. Never saw that coming.
Dylan gives his rose to....Elise. She accepts. (And also says she wants to tell him she loves him buuuuut it's been three-ish days.)
Marcus gives his rose to....LACY! She accepts. GAME CHANGER!
Robert gives his rose to....CLARE! She accepts! WHAT!
Ben gives his rose to...."this sucks"....Sarah. BUMMER. I wanted him to give it to Daniella.


Daniella gets eliminated this week. So sad.

Another week in paradise...ends with a crazy lightning storm.

Until next time!