And now, back to the show...
Oh no! Graham feels like he's going to pass out! Everything thinks it's because he's seeing how AshLee really is. Clare thinks it's weird that AshLee isn't checking on Graham to make sure he's ok. But it's not. He's just hot.
Back to the rose ceremony! Nobody likes AshLee because she's a smack talking two faced crazy person.
AshLee asks Graham to accept her rose, and he does.
Oh no! Now Lacy is feeling sick! Is she preggo? Or just really affected by AshLee? Hmmm. She doesn't seeeeem that empathic... Marcus is taking care of her (like a good boyfriend should) as she gets carted off to the hospital. WILL WE EVER SEE HER AGAIN?!
Back to the rose ceremony...again. Chris Harrison! They're going to continue without Lacy and Marcus. Kalon is ready for the rose ceremony to be over so he can get some 24 hour room service back at the hotel. Is that a euphemism? Probably. This is Mexico, right?
Jackie picks...Jesse. Poor Marquel! Jesse just wanted to get a rose so he could get with all the other ladies here, and Marquel actually liked her. Sadface.
Lizard! Bird! Clare!
Claaaaaaare you can't say you guys are unbreakable!! Another girl is probably about to show up and break you just because you said that! You people learn nothing!! And in an unexpected turn of events, Christy shows up from Juan Pablo's season! (I feel like all these people are the ones who went home the first night, because they do NOT look familiar.) Uh oh. Christy is into Zack. And she has a date card! And she tries to be funny while reading it and fails miserably. Sad for you. Pretty girls can't be funny, everybody knows that. Everyone sits around awkwardly. Sarah goes and tries to let Christy know who is claimed already, which is cute, but she's still going to do her own thing. She picks Zack! Surprise.
Awwww Zack said no. Which is great because he and Clare JUST HAD A DISCUSSION about how they're both putting each other's eggs in each other's baskets. Or whatever.
Sarah takes Christy to meet Jesse. Christy is going to take Jesse on the date! Which is exactly why he wanted the rose from Jackie, so he can experience Paradise. Hey-o.
Jesse and Christy's date. I am very bored. Oh my gosh! They went into a tequila store that I've been in! How relatable. They're talking about the whole experience of this show and how if someone new comes in they should jump at the opportunity to go out with them if asked, and now I feel like Christy is going to use that against Zack later but maybe it's because I just don't trust anyone on this show. It's like a petrie dish.
Jackie is alooooone. She's the only one not coupled up right now. A date card arrives! For Sarah! That's her second one! She asks Robert. Awwwww yay. What cuties.
Robert and Sarah's date! He says romantic like eight times. And they toast to Sarahdise. Vomit. TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT THAT THEY'RE FINALLY GOING TO KISS AND MAKE OUT ALL NIGHT LONG. Aw and he says the best part of Paradise is spending time with her. And she said she wore black just for him because he said he likes black. Oh my gosh they need to kiss. They're so cute. I just want them to kiss. And make out. Am I Sarah now? They're going to go swimming. OH MY GOSH JUST KISS ALREADY OH THEY DID IT YAY CUTE FINALLY. Ok, that's enough.
CODY IS DOING BACKWARDS PUSH UPS USING MICHELLE. (I don't think that's what they're called.) Wow. And now he's painting her toes...Is he trying to be her best friend or date her? Ok, at least he knows he's moving fast. HAHAHA Michelle changing the subject "Can you believe how big your quads are?" Smooth.
Jesse and Christy are back from their date. Jackie looks uncomfortable. Aw, Christy and Jesse are making out now. But Zack is having second thoughts about not saying yes to Christy. Ruh-roh. Zack is trying to figure out if a relationship with him and Clare is the right thing to do, if they're the right fit. How many times are they going to talk about this? Is it because of the whole AshLee thing last episode? Because maybe they should just go in the ocean and work it out. So now Clare is heading out into the jungle to find her raccoon friend! THERE HE ISSSSSS!!! And a typo in the subtitles. Awesome.
Aw, now Clare is going to leave. Because this isn't paradise for her, it's torture. Bummer. Zack snores anyway, get away from that mess. They're playing torture/horror movie music. I love that the entire show is all about the music to tell us how to feel. She's got the crazy person music going on behind her during this speech that she's giving Zack. And now Clare just told Zack she's going to leave, and Zack doesn't say anything. Aw, but he put his arm around her. That's a nice gesture. He wanted them to be perfect? And a beautiful magical thing? Yeah, Clare, get out of there.
A new lady person shows up! It's LUCY! OH MY GOSH LUCY IS AN ORIGINAL PERSON. She's a free spirit. From Juan Pablo's season, she used to get naked all the time. Because she wants to be freeeeeeeeeee. She has a date card. Aaaaand she's already naked. She picks Jesse to go on the date. He's ok with it because Lucy is naked when she asks, and he's like "Paradise should have more naked people!" And apparently Lucy and Christy are already besties? I wish I could make friends that easily. Yeesh.
Lucy and Jesse's date. "Lucy has an incredible personality, and I can't wait for her to take her top off again." COOL. Don't these people know they're on tv?
Wow, Christy is sunbuuuuurnt. Ouch.
Date card shows up! Michelle got it. She asks Cody. Cute! They're getting an engagement photoshoot! OH MY GOSH HE'S PRACTICALLY PROPOSING TO HER AND THIS IS THEIR FIRST DATE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA HE TELLS THEM TO CHANGE CLOTHES AND THEY GAVE HER A WEDDING DRESS TO CHANGE INTO. Hilarious. Oh my gosh, you guys should really watch this show. I mean, don't, let me do it, but seriously. Damn, Cody looks good in his clothes though. Michelle puts the wedding dress on after talking to herself in the mirror like a person who has craaaaacked up. Cody is all into it and Michelle keeps yelling to everybody that this is their first date. Hilarious. This is the best.
AshLee gets a date card and she surprisingly asks Graham. They get to drive cars. Graham says after seeing AshLee drive he knows she's ready for a minivan. Please please please don't reproduce.
Aaaaand Marcus and Lacy are in love. He just told her for real. So. Ok. Lucy and Jesse made out and then something happened. He probs got a boner? It was hard to tell. They were being weird.
Now Jesse is giving shots out to everyone! SHOTS! Aw, and Christy is crying because she's all by herself. And she thinks she's going to go home tomorrow. So she's going to talk to Jesse tonight! To see if they can do it. Probably. Jesse is saying that he didn't really want to go on the date with Lucy...but...ok, now Christy and Jesse are making out. This show is an STD waiting to happen. And nowwwww they're going to get it on. They're in bed! Something scandalous was going on under the covers (thanks cameras!) AND NOW THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE A THREESOME! WHAT!! Lucy just showed up...LUCY YOU ARE CRAZY!
Robert and Sarah
AshLee and Graham
Michell and Cody
Marcus and Lacy
CHRIS HARRISON! Guys get to hand out the roses tonight.
Two girls were supposed to go home tonight, but Clare left on her own accord. So....guys, do what you gotta do!
Zack is thinking maybe he can get it on with Jackie now since she's not really with a dude, and she went on a date with Jesse, but he had a threesome so he's probably not going to go with Jackie anymore.
I want to be friends with Sarah. She's hilarious.
Jesse has to decide which girl he has to pick - Lucy or Christy, but Lucy is trying to talk smack about Christy now. Lucy is being evil! Wow! She told Jesse that Christy didn't realize it was him when he crawled into bed with her. RUDE.
Michelle doesn't know what's going on in Paradise. You and me both, Michelle.
Graham picks AshLee. (Which disgusts Lacy. Me too girl.)
Cody picks Michelle.
Marcus picks Lacy. (proposal soon?) Reactions: Jesse rolls his eyes, Jackie smiles, Chris Harrison smiles, Zack yawns. Ok guys, stop making out already.
Zack picks...Jackie. (He really misses Clare already, obviously)
Jesse picks.................................oh my gosh pick someone already. Christy! Aw, bye Lucy. Sorry your threesome antics didn't work out so well. But Jesse couldn't even remember Lucy's name so that is only mildly surprising.
AT THIS POINT ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN HERE!!!!!!