Monday, October 29, 2012

So that's cool.

I've kind of been in a very weird mood lately, possibly due to some time I spent with my grandparents recently. Things got kind of serious at dinner the other night, with my Grandpa talking about how no one thinks about the people who are affected by war because they live there, to my Grandma showing me a book that they couldn't decide if they wanted to get for me or for my cousin (the book is called "How to Marry a Jewish Doctor" - REALLY?!). Then my Grandma was asking me about single events that I could take my brother to (uh, hello, he's been single for FIVE MINUTES, I don't think he needs to meet someone quite yet) and then she moved on to questions about what kind of guy I would be looking for to marry and for some reason I just started feeling like I couldn't breathe. She was asking if I wanted someone Jewish and I said I wasn't going to close off my options of the rest of the world just because they weren't Jewish and I didn't care as long as I was in love with them, and then she asked what other requirements he would have to have and I just...I don't know. I told her that I wanted someone who treated me well and got my sense of humor, and made me laugh and feel safe and like a better person, things like that. And then things got less serious because my Grandpa asked if I had the same sense of humor as my dad (which I definitely do NOT - pun-type jokes vs. almost intolerable sarcasm, definitely not the same at all) and then they talked about my brother and how he's been spouting out typical "Hatkoff Humor". I guess I've been joking about being single with them for too long though because now all they talk about is trying to figure out how to set me up with someone. And then I felt like a terrible person because even though we hadn't even been together for an hour I started feeling claustrophobic and like I needed to get out and walk around or just go home, which is not how most people feel after that short of amount of time with their family, especially when the family is nice. At least I don't think it is. It probably doesn't help that I'm feeling so drained of all my energy because of some stuff that's been going on. Although the evening started out really nicely (before we left their apartment) where they told me I look "phenomenal" because I've lost weight. So that's cool.

Saturday, October 27, 2012


"I wanna hold your hand."

Those lyrics have been echoing in my mind for days now. 

All I can think about is how much I want to hold your hand. Which is SO middle school. And yet, I think that would satisfy me.  It's driving me to the point of distraction. Where I'll be watching something and just think, "all I want right now is your hand." But of course, you aren't there, so I just imagine it, and get lightheaded with happiness. Of course, it would be better if it was reality.

And it probably would be enough for the briefest window of time, and then I'd want more. Greedy little things, aren't we?

“I won’t kiss you. It might get to be a habit and I can’t get rid of habits.”
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Flappers and Philosophers

(written 10/12/12)

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Reset Button

I need a reset button.

I need a reset button for those nights when I get inexplicably angry at the clock for ticking too loud, or the time for passing too slow or too fast, or at my boyfriend for sitting too close to me when he has every right to do so.

I need a reset button for those times when I feel so wound up from comments that people have made that I want to punch something really hard.

I need a reset button for those times when I feel like listening to any sad, slow love song can turn me into a weeping baby as soon as it comes on.

I need a reset button for the times that I get so tired that all I want to do is sleep, but can't because that's too exhausting.

I need a reset button for the times that I drink too much because of something that happened earlier that day or because of my lack of control.

I need a reset button on the friendships that I've lost, papers that I've misplaced, feelings that I've hidden away.

I need a reset button on my sleeping schedule.

I need a reset button for those times when I became so blindingly mad at my parents or my brothers just for saying something that I didn't quite agree with, or not picking up on what I meant quickly enough.

I need a reset button for my emotions.

Wouldn't life be easier if you had a reset button?

(originally posted here on 1/24/10)

Friday, October 19, 2012

Bake break

I love baking and listening to music. It's so relaxing, especially when there isn't anyone else here. Then I can dance like an idiot and not care. Although I have no doubt that people walk past my kitchen window and think "is that girl having a seizure?"

Is that narcissistic? Probably. Maybe no one is looking in my window. Even better! I mean, there is a school across the street, maybe people are creepin' on the kids. People are creepy, it's possible. Too dark?

Plus the cookies make my apartment smell so nice. Like a nice little bakery. And when the cookies come out all perfect it's like...getting an A on a test. Which happened almost never for me because I was a terrible student. But it's better because I get to share them with people.

The trick is not eating all the cookies I make. But if I'm dancing that kind of reverses the effects of eating them all, right? And come on, what's better than eating cookies for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks?? If you said anything other than "nothing" then you're rude. Although I guess getting good news could be comparable. I'll have to think about it and get back to you.

Sunday, October 14, 2012


sorry for the lack of context, but this is all i can think about right now

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Babies Influencing Babies

I had a conversation with my Grandpa the other day, and he told me in the beginning I didn't like to read. Hearing that I could hardly believe it, but he was there, so it must be true. He told me that I came home from school and I didn't like reading because it was too hard. And then the next day I was reading books so quickly and he didn't understand what exactly had changed.

I was thinking about this today, and I just had a flashback. I was in kindergarten and one of the boys in my class was reading a big book. Not a big book meaning a book large in size, but a big kids book, or maybe even an adult book. I have a feeling it was Jurassic Park, although I'm not sure why. And thinking about this makes me wonder if I started reading more because I wanted to be more like that boy in my class. I wonder if my action was taken because I wanted to read bigger books like that boy because I wanted him to like me.

I can't even remember who the boy was.

Saturday, October 6, 2012


I write for you. Accidentally, of course. The words tumble out from my fingers with no real plan in mind, but there you are. In my thoughts, which transfers to my words. Which transfers to the world. The world that you live in, and I live in, but they are different worlds. Just different enough. Both full of accidents and foolish plans, foolish ideals that we hope to have play out at some point, but no real plan. Who ever has a plan?

I start in one direction and get turned around almost instantly. But maybe I like being lost. Lost means new things, and new things mean change, and change can be good. Change can be refreshing. Change means things never get stale, and I for one don't like my situations stale, only my croutons. Uncertainty is scary, but croutons are delicious. I'll take my croutons with a side of ranch, please.

Lost again, there I go. I feel like I'm in a forrest full of trees, and I can choose one to sit under, to relax, and think, but is it the right one? I'm not good at choices or decisions. You never know if you make the right choice even after weighing all the options a thousand times. Just roll the dice, let go, and hope that it works out.

Or maybe stay lost. But if you're there, somewhere, it'll be ok.

Friday, October 5, 2012

late night delirium

i just sent an email to a field deputy for a congressman and all i can think about is angela (from the tv show the office) being like "THE SENATOR AND I BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH WE LIKE TO DO IT" obviously that's not what she says but that's what's happening in my head.

You're welcome for sharing this story.


(written in July, post delayed for marination)

Thursday, October 4, 2012


Footsteps on the floor outside my door. Are they coming for me? I'm not ready to go yet. I'm comfortable here. Why are you looking at me? I don't have the answers you want.

They've run off with my walls. Trying not to panic as I think of what's next, the uncertainty, the unknown. Where's my safety net? I forgot to hang it up before I jumped. I didn't jump, I was pushed. I had no choice in this. 

Bright lights in my eyes, I guess this is what the world looks like from your point of view. Maybe outside isn't so bad.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Art imitating life imitating art imitating life imitating art imitating life

Jason: Your life is seriously a sitcom
Me: Can't wait until it makes it on tv, then I can add it to my already too long list of tv shows to watch