Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise: The Second One!

Last time on Bachelor in Paradise:

Marcus gave Lacy a rose when he should have given it to Sara. Also Robert was expecting to give his rose to Lacy, but ended up giving it to Clare because of the Marcus swoop-in. Ben gave his rose to Sara, as a pity thing. Elise and Dylan are already almost in love because that's how timing works. AshLee is crazy and Graham is somehow down with that. Marquel and Michelle M have something going on but it's fairly unimportant.

I think that's the all we need to know here.

Welcome to Paradise...


We open with Chris Harrison telling us who he is and that this is the second episode. Because sometimes it's confusing if you don't know what number episode you're watching. And apparently we are "not going to believe what's coming [our] way tonight." You're right Chris. Because it's just too much amazingness. And also we've seen this show before so maybe we will believe it...Buuuuut you know best, so do your thang.

Last week, Michelle K left because she had decided that no one in Paradise was for her. Now they're going to tell us why she peaced out! So we can stop wondering! Because that's what I spent all week doing, I don't know about you. I was VERY concerned.

OH MY GOSH. SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH THE GUY IN THE NEXT ROOM FROM HER AT THIS HOTEL THAT THEY WERE STAYING AT. They unlocked the doors to their adjoining rooms. "And we can only imagine where it went from there." Let's just be real. Sex. It went to sex. Probably. Stop beating around the bush, Chris. We're all adults here. (That's questionable, actually.)

This sentence literally just happened: "Unfortunately, Michelle refused to give her side of the story, so I'll fill you in." WHAT. And now a reenactment is happening. What are you doing Bachelor in Paradise? Did you really need this much filler? I'm sure you could have filmed all the other girls crying...

Basically Michelle and some random crew member started practicing making babies before Michelle went to Paradise. When the cast wrangler came to talk to her and take her to the psychiatrist (nice touch, gotta keep those crazies sane somehow I guess?), the random crew member hid on the balcony. AND THEN HE JUMPED OFF THE BALCONY. AND BROKE HIS LEGS. Or his feet? Or something. What the what.

They spent five minutes on that. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I have never been so relieved for a commercial break.

We come back to Clare and Lacy (seriously with these names) talking about how Paradise should be all about sparkles and butterflies. Like I said, all of us being adults is questionable. Lacy is feeling a-static about Marcus giving her the rose.  (Maybe she took speaking lessons from Juan Pablo.)

Close up of some new dude's butt carrying a date card. (I just reread that and it is great imagery. You're welcome) And also a lizard. OH NO! A NEW GUY IS COMING! The guys are worried. Seriously, did they not know what this show was when they decided to be on it?

It's Chris B! Who tried to get on Andi's show by staking out the bachelorette house for a week! Even though he didn't know when they were going to start filming! (That guy will totally fit in here.) Marcus says "I hope he's not thinking of stealing anybody's women." I didn't realize this was Bachelor in Cave People Times. Where's your club, Marcus?

AshLee wants to know what Chris's motives are here in Paradise because he's got a questionable reputation. AshLee, he's here to find love. And murder people. Just like you! Maybe you guys should date.

Chris chooses Clare to go on a date! Good job Chris. No drama. Except she says "I can get more ready if you want me to." So...sex?

They go to a spa. Couples massage. Boring.

Robert doesn't understand how this show works either. Lacy is holding hands with Marcus on the beach, in front of him, after Marcus gave her his rose. Robert thinks that HE should be holding hands with Lacy. Hmmm...Maybe you should stop watching them through the weeds, Robert.

Date card! And it goes to Marcus. I wonder who he'll pick? Probably Elise, right? Although if these promos are anything to be taken seriously, I sense something else coming down the pipeline with her... And he picks Lacy! Whoa. I am like, so shocked. I can't believe it. Is this what Chris was hinting at during his intro at the beginning of the episode? Because man. Pick my jaw up off the floor.

Back to Clare and Chris's boring date where she tells him about all the gossip she heard about him. Blah blah blah. Oh wait, I guess Clare and Chris are in love now. COOL.  Shot of them in the ocean.

Dylan and Elise are in love. Drawn to each other. Connecting on so many levels. On EVERY level. Nudge nudge, wink wink. (Sex?) It's been literally one week. But wait....Dylan might not be happy....he feels smothered! Oh no! He wants to go on dates with other people. He wants to see if this is "something real" or something that "just happened." Uh... This is Paradise. Obviously it's real!!!!!!!

Robert is still feeling shocked about Marcus and Lacy. He wishes she wasn't snake-y. And of course, as Marcus and Lacy walk off to go on their date, everyone is sitting around the picnic table (because community!!) commenting on how they're the sexiest couple of the year. Except Robert who is very sad face.

Boring date time. Where they'll talk about Marcus's history with Andi. Which was five seconds ago. Ughhhhhhhh I'm so bored. Come on. Where's the drama?!

Shots! Nice. Oh god. YOPO. You're Only in Paradise Once. Wouldn't it be YOIPO then?

Uh, Chris and Elise are flirting. Oh god, Elise is like, a real girl. She's talking to everyone, and then she's going to Dylan asking if it stings to see her get to know everyone. Good move Dylan. Run away. More shots! And now Chris and Elise are in the ocean. Making out. SCANDAL! And Michelle is drunk. Aw, Clare. What are you going to do? You were so sure that Chris would get your rose, and now....SO SAD. If only you had gone in the ocean with him first and shown him your signature move...which is (spoiler!) ocean sex.

And I can't believe I'm only half an hour into this show.

Elise wants a relationship and to get married and to have a family. Buuuut she doesn't care with who. Healthy. (Speaking of, this show is making me inhale chocolate.) Dylan and Elise are going to have a serious conversation about her talking to other people. He TOLD her to go meet other people, and she ended up kissing a dude, and now he's mad about it. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, DYLAN. OH MY GOSH. RUDE. Ok wait, he's not mad. Her kissing someone else just made him realize that their one week relationship wasn't going to work out. I'm not sure who the girl is in this relationship anymore, let's be real. Also, Elise says that Dylan is literally killing her right now. But she looks pretty alive to me. So...

COMING UP "I FELT HIS CONNECTION IN THE OCEAN" CLARE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SEX AGAIN OH MY GOSH YOU AND THE OCEAN ARE ALL LIKE SEX SEX SEX

And now a new guy shows up! Zack. Who also has a date card. He also chooses Clare. She gets all the dates. Because of all the sex she talks about. Probably. I mean, that's just a shot in the dark.

Date. With Clare and Zack. Boring. Into the ocean they go.

Dylan isn't going to take Elise on a date. Even if Sarah says no, he's not going to take her. So...to recap. Dylan and Elise are totes broken up. But Elise is getting dressed for their date. But he's going to ask Sarah! Sarah is going to think about it. Sarah over talks it with Elise and now she's going! Because Elise thinks that because Sarah is going, Dylan is still hoping to work it out with Elise. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. UGH. PEOPLE. COME ON.

In a weird turn of events, Elise is talking to AshLee about the situation...and AshLee calls her crazy. I don't think AshLee knows what she's talking about.

And now Sarah and Dylan are on a date. Also boring. They're just complimenting each other. And talking about Elise. And Dylan thinks that Sarah is hilarious and like talking to your best friend? But the filming did not really show that...so...that seems sketchy...

Oh my gosh! Ben is still here! I forgot all about him because they give him zero screen time. OH NO MARCUS YOU WENT INTO BEN'S BACKPACK?! And now they're reading a note that was in there. Oh man. Sounds like he has a girlfriend?! OR he has an old letter because he's a normal person but he brought it on the show because he's a crazy. Hmm. Toss up. Let's find out! Yes, Marcus. I think the right thing to do is definitely to confront him. Good job. Waves crash. (Literally, they showed a shot of the waves crashing.)

Ok, so Ben found it in his backpack when he got to Paradise. Sure, that sounds legit. I mean, anything can happen, a dude literally jumped off a balcony at the beginning of this episode.

Clare is going to be a spy. CLARE! You SUCK at being a spy! She straight up just asked Marquel what was going on, and he was like "Ben has a love letter" while he was in the middle of sitting there talking to Ben and Marcus about the sitch. That's like...I guess the only way to do it in Paradise, instead of just listening in on the conversation. That's how normal spying works, you know. And now they're all going up there! To find out what's going on! BAM! CONFRONTATION! And now Michelle is crying. I thought she was with Marquel? Why is she crying? She just wants to let Ben know that she's offended because he took someone's spot who she could have had a future with.

Now everyone is questioning why everyone is here. Are they here for the right reasons? Michelle, this is your fourth go around on a show like this. Your FOURTH! How is this still news to you? Damn, Ben. You suck. Again. The good news is we didn't have to watch much of Sarah and Dylan's date! And Ben is gone. SEE YA!

Cocktail party and rose ceremony time!

The girls get to give the roses out this week. Fun! (Sure.)

Hypothetical Couples going into the rose ceremony:

Marcus and Lacy
Graham and AshLee
Zack and Clare
and Marquel and Michelle. (Then why was she crying so much when she thought Ben was here taking someone else's spot? Michelle. Get it together. Oh. It's because she was drunk. All the time. Marquel may have just talked himself out of a rose by saying she likes to drink. Now Robert swoops in! Right when Marquel says something mean to Michelle! (Not really mean, more of an observation.) Nice swooping, Robert. Why isn't this show just called Key Party? Michelle asks Robert if he thinks she drinks more than anyone else here. I GUESS EVERYONE HERE IS A GIRL. UGH.)

Dylan and Elise have a loooong drawn out conversation that could have been cut short by Dylan saying this: "Hey Elise, don't give me your rose, I will say no." Instead he beats around the bush and talks about how they have a great friendship and she should explore what she has with Chris and go for it and blah blah blah. Come on Dylan! You've already talked to her! You know she doesn't understand things easily!

Finally, the rose ceremony!


Lacy gives her rose to....Marcus. (Poor Robert.)
AshLee gives her rose to Graham. (Duh.)
Clare gives her rose to Zack. (Also duh.)
Michelle gives her rose to......Marquel! (Poor Robert again.)
Elise gives her rose to............(ten minutes later, after multiple interview cut ins, ugh)......Dylan. EVEN THOUGH HE SAID NOT TO. So he says no. Now Elise is making a speech? This is weird. Everyone is making weird faces. And there's weird music. We get it. It's weird. Did she just say her wedding vows to the group? Oh good, now she offers her rose to Chris. And he says yes! Phew. That's over.
Sarah gives her rose to...ROBERT! WHAT! I literally gasped! SARAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! Dylan is gone!

Sarah sums it up pretty well. "That was...awkward." YEAH IT WAS! GOOD JOB!

Aaaaaand that's all for this week.

See you next time in Paradise, where it will hopefully not make me eat as much chocolate. Because seriously I feel bad about myself now. (Although I'm not sure if that's the chocolate or the watching of this show....)

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS THE BEST NEW SHOW OF THE SUMMER!

me:  omg bachelor in paradise is hilaaaaaaaarious
me:  seriously, best new show of the summer. there's no way this can be real. NO WAY
Jennifer:  really? give me the low-down (if that's a thing.)
me:  Ok, so first there's this one girl from Juan Pablo's season, Lacy - yes LACY, who goes in the ocean with TWO DIFFERENT GUYS
me: OMG
me: and everyone's like "she's here for paradise, what what"
me:  That's the first day. Right after they meet. so then they haven't even been there for 24 hours yet and this one girl (AshLee - yes that's how you spell her name) has laid claim on this guy Graham. She basically says in her interview that the only reason she came on this show was so that she could maybe meet him because they were MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. WHAT. So then there's a date card that will come, and whoever gets the date card gets to choose who they want to accompany them on the date. So Clare (spelled without an i) gets the date card and she chooses Graham!!! SO then AshLee starts crying! And hiding in the bathroom! Because Clare picked Graham!
me: So then Clare starts venting (TO A RACCOON!!!! nice editing) about how Clare wasn't here for drama (uh, what, you're all drama) and how she didn't mean to upset AshLee and that she didn't even know that AshLee liked him
me: My favorite is this other girl Daniella who knows AshLee from when they were on Sean's season together, and she was like "yeah, i'm not even going to talk to Graham because I don't want to get murdered in my sleep"
me: So then Clare talks to Graham and tells him that she didn't know that he and AshLee had a thing already (WHAT) and so she's going to choose someone else to go on the date with her
me: She picks Robert, who is one of the guys who went in the ocean with Lacy on the first day
me: OMG
me: IT'S THE BEST
me:  And now Clare and Robert are on a date at the ruins (they're in Mexico?) and all of a sudden he gets covered in ants while carrying this backpack (probably filled with ants on a time release thing because Bachelor in Paradise) and Clare is just like "take your shirt off, you're covered in ants!"
me: you sly dog, you, Clare
me: And that's where I'm at now
me:  PICTURES OF ANTS EVERYWHERE
me: I think I'm going to use this conversation and liveblog the rest of the episode because it's too good

LET THE (delayed) LIVEBLOGGING BEGIN!

Of course I'm bored now. 

Clare is like five minutes away from telling Robert she loves him because he's sitting next to her in a high place and she thinks she's going to die. Because she's "afraid of heights"...
And now they're in the ocean, because duh.

Lacy decides that since Robert is no longer a viable option for her, she's going to talk to Marcus, the other guy she went in the ocean with and who's not over Andi because HER SEASON ENDED FIVE SECONDS BEFORE THEY STARTED SHOOTING THIS. 

Lacy and Robert start talking about each other's eyes because they don't have much else to talk about. 

THE NEXT DATE CARD ARRIVES! What drama will ensue now?!

Sarah gets the next date card and thinks it's a joke. NEVER JOKE ABOUT THE DATE CARDS. THEY ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Her date is tonight. TONIGHT? Tonight. Oh my gosh.

She's so excited but nervous because she doesn't usually ask guys out on dates. Oh, did I mention Sarah only has one arm? That's probably why. Because she doesn't have a lot of confidence in herself. Sarah, you've got a bangin' body. Just do it, like Nike says.

Sarah picks Marcus. LACY WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?! Bummmmmer.

Sarah and Marcus are going on a date to a bathroom? Because they don't speak Spanish and it's like...Mexico. And now they're getting into their bathing suits because they figured it out kind of. They're going in a cave. In their bathing suits. SEXY. Sarah sees water. It's an oasis. And Sarah is scared to jump in. Because, duh. So then they jump into the water together. Because BACHELOR IN PARADISE. They jumped in holding hands. How romantic.

OMG SARAH WANTS TO KISS HIM BEFORE THEY JUMP IN! WILL HE LET HER?! Only time will tell. Oh, he does. Duh. Ok, we get it. Relationship!!!!!!!!!!

Lacy is worried about Robert and Clare. Tonight has been "really hard" for her because "both the guys" she's interested in got dates. And now she's crying. That's a tear count of 3 so far, for those of you keeping track at home. 

Robert suggests walking on the beach because that's what you should do when a girl is crying in front of you. She asks if he kissed Clare on their date, and he says no. So now she feels better about him and thinks he's super interested in her. That's how the world works, man.

DRAMATIC MUSIC AND FEET. What's going to happen now?!

Another roommate shows up! And it's a girl! Now there are 8 girls and 6 guys, and two girls are going home this week.  BUM BUM BUM!!!! (And Graham is the first person to hug the new girl. Soooo she's toast.) AND SHE HAS A DATE CARD ALREADY. 

Uh oh. New girl is taking Graham into the other room...AshLee is going to kiiiiiiiilllllll her. Uh oh again. New girl (her name is Michelle, I guess?) just said that she and Graham love each other. Bad news bears for AshLee! Aw and then they did a cute little handshake thing. That's true love.

AshLee tries to talk to Graham and UH OH TROUBLE IN PARADISE. But everything is ok now. Everyone is just going to get murdered in their sleep. No big deal.

Aw, Michelle asks Marquel to go on the date with her! Crisis averted? To be determined...

I'm bored again. They're riding horses. And talking like normal people. And going in the ocean.

Lacy gets a date card! Who's she going to take? Robert? Marcus? AshLee? She's 80/40 in deciding. That's not how percentages work, Lacy.

She picks Robert! Clare thinks she's going home. Marcus is disappointed that Lacy picked Robert. "As of now, I'm thinking of giving my rose to Sarah." Ok Marcus, but just remember that once you give away your rose, you don't have it anymore. You'll have to give the next one a sweater. (Obscure Gilmore Girls joke, anyone?)

Boring date again. Interspersed with Dylan and Marcus talking about how Marcus should play hard to get. 

WAIT. WHAT. Marcus is saying that he came on the show with a lot of walls built up, and Lacy broke them all down. It's been two days and they've had one, maaaaybe two conversations. And one of those was in the ocean. When they couldn't even hear each other. So basically, her taking most of her clothes off broke down your walls, Marcus? I thought you were better than that. And you weren't even the first one to go in the ocean with her, Robert was! COME ON MAN. Get it together.

Cocktail party slash rose ceremony time!

Going into the rose ceremony, the paired off couples are:

Elise and Dylan
Michelle M. and Marquel
Ashley and Graham
Lacy and Robert

Which leaves:
Clare (who nicknamed it "Claradise".....I'll just leave that here)
Sarah
Michelle K (didn't even remember her name) 
Daniella (my fave)

ROSE CEREMONY SPOILERS BELOW:
-
-
-
-
-
(let's be real, this whole post is a spoiler)
Marquel gives his rose to........

Michelle K bows out! How romantic. Oh my gosh! She totally already has someone that she's with! She spoiled that at the beginning of th episode when Chris asked if everyone was single! And she said "maybe!" because it's paradise! OH SNAP! You played them.

Ok rose ceremony for real now.

Marquel gives his rose to.......Michelle! She accepts. Shocker.
Graham gives his rose to.......AshLee. She accepts. Never saw that coming.
Dylan gives his rose to....Elise. She accepts. (And also says she wants to tell him she loves him buuuuut it's been three-ish days.)
Marcus gives his rose to....LACY! She accepts. GAME CHANGER!
Robert gives his rose to....CLARE! She accepts! WHAT!
Ben gives his rose to...."this sucks"....Sarah. BUMMER. I wanted him to give it to Daniella.

THAT MEANS MORE DRAMA TO COME!

Daniella gets eliminated this week. So sad.

Another week in paradise...ends with a crazy lightning storm.

Until next time!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

BIRTHDAY WISHES

You guys I know you're all wondering what to get me for my birthday (NOVEMBER 21ST, don't forget or I'll cry even more than I have been recently - MAYBE I'M A CRYBABY, I'LL ADD TISSUES TO THE LIST) so I decided to make a list to make it easy. I know, I'm like the best friend ever, no big deal. Anyway, let me know if you think you'll get any of these for me because I want to make sure that I don't get two of something - no need to be greedy or whatever.

LIST TIME!

- new iphone 5s in silver (because gold is for crazy people)
- new macbook (13" is fine, no need to be all crazy and get a macbook pro again - even though I DO watch all my tv on my laptop)
- donations towards my new home fund
- donations towards my new bakery (although let's be real, I haven't baked anything since August so maybe just place some cookie orders?!)
- gym membership (never giving up on the dream of bikini bod 2013)
- tissues

I know you're all like, money conscious (or whatever, ugh) so if two or three of you want to go in on one thing that would be totes fine with me. I'm not picky. I just WANT all this stuff! So make it happen. Please and thank you.

You're all beautiful and I love you! Most of the time.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

NO CAKE FOR YOU

Last night I was super looking forward to having a bowl of cereal for dinner (because who doesn't love breakfast at all times of every day??) but then I did this crazy workout and realized I couldn't have cereal because it would just reverse everything I had done. DAMMIT. So I made eggs with zucchini, squash, and parmesan cheese. Almost breakfast....

AND ON TOP OF THAT I MISSED THE FREE BACKSTREET BOYS CONCERT.

Clearly, my priorities have shifted.

Also now I really want cake. And froyo. (But I always want froyo, so....)

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Caught

So. You guys. I was caught doing something that I shouldn't have been. And I wish I could say that I didn't do it, and that I have never done it, and that I'm going to stop doing it, but I can't. It's just too good.

I was caught watching an episode of the Bachelor.

Now, before you stop reading and completely discredit me...I don't do it because I think it's a good show, or I'm a super romantic, or anything like that. I do it because it's very educational. I need to know what the general population thinks is crazy and what is normal. And on the bachelor, ALL THE GIRLS ARE CRAZY. So basically, I watch it to know what I should not act like.

Does that make me crazy? Am I crazy for watching a show to learn how to not be crazy? Hmmmm.

My biggest issue with this show is that it seems like the girls who are the most insane get the roses (meaning they get to stay on the show, for the uninitiated). For example, there were a few episodes this season where the following happened:

GIRL: (crying) This is too hard, I can't compete with other girls for your heart. You can't treat me like this. I don't deserve this.
BACHELOR: I'm crazy about you. You're great. I'm going to break the rules and be right back. Here's a rose. Now you know I don't want you to leave.
GIRL: (in interview) I know he cares about me now because he gave me a rose.

WHAT.

Obviously, I'm paraphrasing, but SERIOUSLY? You manipulated him into giving you a rose. I'm definitely learning manipulation techniques by watching this show, that's for sure. But why are the guys encouraging the girls with this behavior?! If a girl is telling you that she doesn't know where the two of you stand every single time you talk...tell her you stand no where and to get the hell away from you. Don't give her a rose and keep her around. That is ridiculously high maintenance, and if that's what you're after...well, I have no words for you.

And not only that, but how do these girls say "I love you" so easily?! They've been with whoever the guy is for like five minutes. Really?! How the heck can they know that they're already in love? "I love his big beefy arms." That's a statement you can make. "I love who you are." HOW CAN YOU KNOW WHO HE IS AFTER BARELY ONE DATE?! No. You're wrong.

In conclusion, I think all the girls on the show are crazy, and the only way to know how to be less crazy is to watch crazy so you don't do it. Perfectly logical explanation.

SO THERE.

(Now if you'll excuse me there's a tell all episode tonight. Maybe he'll explain his thought process behind keeping the crazy girl for so long...yes. That's why I'm watching. Not because of his big beefy arms.)

Friday, December 14, 2012

One Year!

You guys. Let's talk.

First of all, how are you? How have you been? It's been aaaages since we've caught up. I'm sorry I've been kind of MIA for the past month, there's been a lot going on...you know, with my fancy new job (which I'll probably not have soon) and my mission of bikini bod '13 and all that. I'm sorry it's been all about me. So tell me, what's new with you? How's life? Anything exciting happening?

I have some exciting news. Well, not really news, more like...an anniversary to celebrate. I've officially had this little blog thing that documents some of my more ridiculous times for a year! ONE WHOLE YEAR! That's pretty cool. And I've still got so many stories to tell (because obviously the nonsense never stops over here).

I might take some time off for the holidays (BECAUSE I'M BUSY, JEEZ. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE) but I'll try to come back and post a little more regularly in the new year. And who knows, maybe more video blogs??? Hmm??

And if you haven't been missing my posts, well..........cool. I suppose I still love you. Maybe a little less, but I do anyway. Because I'm nice like that. (it's the holiday season, I'm only nice right now...OR AM I?!?!!!???!?! Yeah, I am. Or I'm not. One of those. Now I've confused myself. You figure it out.)

If I could bake you cookies to show my appreciation for reading I would, but my oven is broken. I hope you won't hold that against me. I mean, really, I'm the one suffering here. So. Yeah.

Anyway. Happy holidays and have a great New Year! See you in 2013!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Dancing!

So this week seemed to be going really slowly, and I wanted to figure out how to make it go faster...so I made a short dance video for every day! Here they are. WOO DANCING OH MAN I AM SO WHITE.


Hope you enjoyed! Ha. Ridiculous.

Monday, November 12, 2012

sometimes you f-eel like a nut


James: Oh! did I tell you that I got into a fight this weekend too?
me: WHAT THE HELL JAMES
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE
James: it was nuits
the first fight of my life
and I have a slightly black eye
me: what happened?!
James: I was leaving a bar, and this guy shoved me over a fire hydrant
cuz I guess I was in his way?
and so I started yelling at him, calling him all kinds of names
and really if I had just shut my mouth, I probably would have made it home intact
cuz I just kept on him
until he came over and started swinging
me: did you fight back or was it just one punch and you were out?
James: his first punch took my glasses off
so then we started tussling
me: wow
James: it was in front of an apartment building, and someone in there yelled that they were calling the cops
and he ran off
and I got in a cab and went home
me: well good job not getting hurt too bad
James: it really was the exact perfect amount of a fight
I had something to show for it, but nothing was really hurt
me: were you by yourself at that point?
James: yes
if I had been with anyone else, I definitely would have let it go
me: you are a troublemaker
me: what did kelsey say about all this?
James: she was out of town this weekend
so I called her and told her yesterday
and she said "I told you to be safe while I was gone!"
me: good job listening
James: okay, let's all agree right now that I'm definitely not the kind of person who goes around starting fights
me: no
you're a huge fight starter
you're an instigator
insta-gator
YOU'RE AN INSTANT ALLIGATOR
congratulations
James: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
if you had sent me a pic of that eel right after that, I would have broken this computer from laughing so hard

ALSO EVERYONE SHOULD GO LOOK AT THIS BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Locked Up

Everyone is always talking about their hearts. "I'm heartbroken." " My heart is full of love." "It warmed my heart to see that." "She stole my heart."

I feel like I put my heart away years ago and haven't had the courage to let it out. It's wrapped in a jail cell, where it can see, and it knows that there are things out there that it wants, but it can't quite reach them. Because if it reaches them, someday it'll break again, and it's too fragile for that. 

But hearts are made to be broken, aren't they? If they weren't, why would it be so easy to make them fall apart? That's how you figure out what your heart wants most. And yet, I keep it hidden. No freedom for my heart. 

Maybe I don't know what being heartbroken actually feels like because of how long it's been away from the world. Left in the past, never seen again. Even though love was spoken of, who knows if it was really there. Just because you say "I love you" doesn't mean your heart is there...or maybe that's not how love works.

"Quit playing games with my heart." 

Talking about hearts makes me lightheaded. Too nervous to even think about giving my heart away, and yet it seems so easy for you to talk about it, casually bring it up in conversation. 

I want the love. But I can't let my heart out of it's jail cell. Maybe you have the key.

(written 10/12/12, postponed for marination)