Friday, December 14, 2012

One Year!

You guys. Let's talk.

First of all, how are you? How have you been? It's been aaaages since we've caught up. I'm sorry I've been kind of MIA for the past month, there's been a lot going know, with my fancy new job (which I'll probably not have soon) and my mission of bikini bod '13 and all that. I'm sorry it's been all about me. So tell me, what's new with you? How's life? Anything exciting happening?

I have some exciting news. Well, not really news, more anniversary to celebrate. I've officially had this little blog thing that documents some of my more ridiculous times for a year! ONE WHOLE YEAR! That's pretty cool. And I've still got so many stories to tell (because obviously the nonsense never stops over here).

I might take some time off for the holidays (BECAUSE I'M BUSY, JEEZ. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE) but I'll try to come back and post a little more regularly in the new year. And who knows, maybe more video blogs??? Hmm??

And if you haven't been missing my posts, I suppose I still love you. Maybe a little less, but I do anyway. Because I'm nice like that. (it's the holiday season, I'm only nice right now...OR AM I?!?!!!???!?! Yeah, I am. Or I'm not. One of those. Now I've confused myself. You figure it out.)

If I could bake you cookies to show my appreciation for reading I would, but my oven is broken. I hope you won't hold that against me. I mean, really, I'm the one suffering here. So. Yeah.

Anyway. Happy holidays and have a great New Year! See you in 2013!

Friday, November 16, 2012


So this week seemed to be going really slowly, and I wanted to figure out how to make it go I made a short dance video for every day! Here they are. WOO DANCING OH MAN I AM SO WHITE.

Hope you enjoyed! Ha. Ridiculous.

Monday, November 12, 2012

sometimes you f-eel like a nut

James: Oh! did I tell you that I got into a fight this weekend too?
James: it was nuits
the first fight of my life
and I have a slightly black eye
me: what happened?!
James: I was leaving a bar, and this guy shoved me over a fire hydrant
cuz I guess I was in his way?
and so I started yelling at him, calling him all kinds of names
and really if I had just shut my mouth, I probably would have made it home intact
cuz I just kept on him
until he came over and started swinging
me: did you fight back or was it just one punch and you were out?
James: his first punch took my glasses off
so then we started tussling
me: wow
James: it was in front of an apartment building, and someone in there yelled that they were calling the cops
and he ran off
and I got in a cab and went home
me: well good job not getting hurt too bad
James: it really was the exact perfect amount of a fight
I had something to show for it, but nothing was really hurt
me: were you by yourself at that point?
James: yes
if I had been with anyone else, I definitely would have let it go
me: you are a troublemaker
me: what did kelsey say about all this?
James: she was out of town this weekend
so I called her and told her yesterday
and she said "I told you to be safe while I was gone!"
me: good job listening
James: okay, let's all agree right now that I'm definitely not the kind of person who goes around starting fights
me: no
you're a huge fight starter
you're an instigator
if you had sent me a pic of that eel right after that, I would have broken this computer from laughing so hard


Friday, November 9, 2012

Locked Up

Everyone is always talking about their hearts. "I'm heartbroken." " My heart is full of love." "It warmed my heart to see that." "She stole my heart."

I feel like I put my heart away years ago and haven't had the courage to let it out. It's wrapped in a jail cell, where it can see, and it knows that there are things out there that it wants, but it can't quite reach them. Because if it reaches them, someday it'll break again, and it's too fragile for that. 

But hearts are made to be broken, aren't they? If they weren't, why would it be so easy to make them fall apart? That's how you figure out what your heart wants most. And yet, I keep it hidden. No freedom for my heart. 

Maybe I don't know what being heartbroken actually feels like because of how long it's been away from the world. Left in the past, never seen again. Even though love was spoken of, who knows if it was really there. Just because you say "I love you" doesn't mean your heart is there...or maybe that's not how love works.

"Quit playing games with my heart." 

Talking about hearts makes me lightheaded. Too nervous to even think about giving my heart away, and yet it seems so easy for you to talk about it, casually bring it up in conversation. 

I want the love. But I can't let my heart out of it's jail cell. Maybe you have the key.

(written 10/12/12, postponed for marination)

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Apples and spice and everything nice

I want to bake something to make you fall in love. I had a recipe once that was called "Boy Bait" or something like that, but I never ended up making it. I didn't want to use it on anyone. Use my powers for good, or something like that. I told a guy about it, and he said we should make it together. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose?

Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that recipe had blueberries.

I want to bake something with apples and cinnamon, because that's what fall feels like, and fall feels like love. The beginning of new romance even though the leaves fall off the trees and everything becomes colder. Wearing scarves and gloves. (The most romantic thing I can think of - which actually isn't THAT romantic, and is actually kind of dumb if you live in a place where it snows - is sharing gloves with someone, where you each wear one and then hold hands. What? Gross.) Although fall is the gateway to the holiday season, where you're basically made to feel lonely if you don't have someone because of all the commercials. At least that's how I feel. (Duh. These are my thoughts.)

I very rarely bake with apples, because I'm bad at cutting things. I like to make recipes that are easy. Both because I'm lazy and because I'm still scared of things. (That describes my whole life.)

If this is fall, why is it 85 degrees outside? Give me apples and cinnamon any day. Seriously, if my room would smell like apples and cinnamon year round, I would be a very happy girl. (Hard to believe, I know, but...)


Just a reminder, kids. Internet/facebook stalking is BAD. DON'T DO IT.

I mean, do what you want, but in the interest of your sanity, I would say don't. Unless you like feeling insane. Which is possible. Maybe it's like a high without the harmful side effects? For you. Not for me. I don't know, though. I don't know you. I mean, I know some of you. I should take a poll.

Polls are fun. Sometimes. Depending on what they are.

This is a very wishy-washy post, but the main thing you should take away from this is INTERNET STALKING IS BAD AND HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.

But like I said, do what you want. 

Friday, November 2, 2012

oh, life

Facebook has done it again!

After some (mild) facebook stalking, I came across a person I went to high school with who had quite an esteemed job. Good on him! BUT it made me feel bad about myself. SO I texted a mutual friend about it and the following conversation ensued. HOORAY!

Me: What the actual fuck, [name] is a [good job that people our age don't normally have]?
Her: What??
Me: That's what it says on Facebook
Her: That's weird.
Me: Yeah, right?
Her: Completely weird. Makes me feel old and unaccomplished.
Me: He's got us surpassed with everything, married, real job. He lives in [place] though so he doesn't own a house! (neither do we)
Her: Right. Dang. We suck at life I guess. If we continue to compare ourselves to [him] that is
Me: Yeah, but like if he is this accomplished...wasn't he like super immature? That makes it even more pathetic, haha
Her: Aw, dang, I didn't even think of his high school persona. He was pretty immature. Man... now I need to get drunk and forget my sorrows. Too bad I'm at work. Lame
Me: It's ok, just remember we're still better than other people (coughcough[name]coughcough). Man I'm a bitch
Her: Bahahahaha but it's so true. And [name] too
Me: Yes. So we're at least two people above the bottom, and you're above me so...high five
Her: Hahahaha...we might be on even ground. You graduated college. You might be above me even
Me: Yeah but you're living with a dude. Extra points. The only thing I have going is I'm not living at home. Plus going to school now is better because of the messed up economy. This is a fun game! Haha
Her: Hahahaha really it is
Me: The sick and twisted game of life, what earns you more points
Her: Hahaha
Me: Plus I think I lose points because I have Papa John's texting me all the time trying to get me to order a pizza hahaha
Her: Hahahahaha that text just made my night

Monday, October 29, 2012

So that's cool.

I've kind of been in a very weird mood lately, possibly due to some time I spent with my grandparents recently. Things got kind of serious at dinner the other night, with my Grandpa talking about how no one thinks about the people who are affected by war because they live there, to my Grandma showing me a book that they couldn't decide if they wanted to get for me or for my cousin (the book is called "How to Marry a Jewish Doctor" - REALLY?!). Then my Grandma was asking me about single events that I could take my brother to (uh, hello, he's been single for FIVE MINUTES, I don't think he needs to meet someone quite yet) and then she moved on to questions about what kind of guy I would be looking for to marry and for some reason I just started feeling like I couldn't breathe. She was asking if I wanted someone Jewish and I said I wasn't going to close off my options of the rest of the world just because they weren't Jewish and I didn't care as long as I was in love with them, and then she asked what other requirements he would have to have and I just...I don't know. I told her that I wanted someone who treated me well and got my sense of humor, and made me laugh and feel safe and like a better person, things like that. And then things got less serious because my Grandpa asked if I had the same sense of humor as my dad (which I definitely do NOT - pun-type jokes vs. almost intolerable sarcasm, definitely not the same at all) and then they talked about my brother and how he's been spouting out typical "Hatkoff Humor". I guess I've been joking about being single with them for too long though because now all they talk about is trying to figure out how to set me up with someone. And then I felt like a terrible person because even though we hadn't even been together for an hour I started feeling claustrophobic and like I needed to get out and walk around or just go home, which is not how most people feel after that short of amount of time with their family, especially when the family is nice. At least I don't think it is. It probably doesn't help that I'm feeling so drained of all my energy because of some stuff that's been going on. Although the evening started out really nicely (before we left their apartment) where they told me I look "phenomenal" because I've lost weight. So that's cool.

Saturday, October 27, 2012


"I wanna hold your hand."

Those lyrics have been echoing in my mind for days now. 

All I can think about is how much I want to hold your hand. Which is SO middle school. And yet, I think that would satisfy me.  It's driving me to the point of distraction. Where I'll be watching something and just think, "all I want right now is your hand." But of course, you aren't there, so I just imagine it, and get lightheaded with happiness. Of course, it would be better if it was reality.

And it probably would be enough for the briefest window of time, and then I'd want more. Greedy little things, aren't we?

“I won’t kiss you. It might get to be a habit and I can’t get rid of habits.”
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Flappers and Philosophers

(written 10/12/12)

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Reset Button

I need a reset button.

I need a reset button for those nights when I get inexplicably angry at the clock for ticking too loud, or the time for passing too slow or too fast, or at my boyfriend for sitting too close to me when he has every right to do so.

I need a reset button for those times when I feel so wound up from comments that people have made that I want to punch something really hard.

I need a reset button for those times when I feel like listening to any sad, slow love song can turn me into a weeping baby as soon as it comes on.

I need a reset button for the times that I get so tired that all I want to do is sleep, but can't because that's too exhausting.

I need a reset button for the times that I drink too much because of something that happened earlier that day or because of my lack of control.

I need a reset button on the friendships that I've lost, papers that I've misplaced, feelings that I've hidden away.

I need a reset button on my sleeping schedule.

I need a reset button for those times when I became so blindingly mad at my parents or my brothers just for saying something that I didn't quite agree with, or not picking up on what I meant quickly enough.

I need a reset button for my emotions.

Wouldn't life be easier if you had a reset button?

(originally posted here on 1/24/10)

Friday, October 19, 2012

Bake break

I love baking and listening to music. It's so relaxing, especially when there isn't anyone else here. Then I can dance like an idiot and not care. Although I have no doubt that people walk past my kitchen window and think "is that girl having a seizure?"

Is that narcissistic? Probably. Maybe no one is looking in my window. Even better! I mean, there is a school across the street, maybe people are creepin' on the kids. People are creepy, it's possible. Too dark?

Plus the cookies make my apartment smell so nice. Like a nice little bakery. And when the cookies come out all perfect it's like...getting an A on a test. Which happened almost never for me because I was a terrible student. But it's better because I get to share them with people.

The trick is not eating all the cookies I make. But if I'm dancing that kind of reverses the effects of eating them all, right? And come on, what's better than eating cookies for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks?? If you said anything other than "nothing" then you're rude. Although I guess getting good news could be comparable. I'll have to think about it and get back to you.

Sunday, October 14, 2012


sorry for the lack of context, but this is all i can think about right now

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Babies Influencing Babies

I had a conversation with my Grandpa the other day, and he told me in the beginning I didn't like to read. Hearing that I could hardly believe it, but he was there, so it must be true. He told me that I came home from school and I didn't like reading because it was too hard. And then the next day I was reading books so quickly and he didn't understand what exactly had changed.

I was thinking about this today, and I just had a flashback. I was in kindergarten and one of the boys in my class was reading a big book. Not a big book meaning a book large in size, but a big kids book, or maybe even an adult book. I have a feeling it was Jurassic Park, although I'm not sure why. And thinking about this makes me wonder if I started reading more because I wanted to be more like that boy in my class. I wonder if my action was taken because I wanted to read bigger books like that boy because I wanted him to like me.

I can't even remember who the boy was.

Saturday, October 6, 2012


I write for you. Accidentally, of course. The words tumble out from my fingers with no real plan in mind, but there you are. In my thoughts, which transfers to my words. Which transfers to the world. The world that you live in, and I live in, but they are different worlds. Just different enough. Both full of accidents and foolish plans, foolish ideals that we hope to have play out at some point, but no real plan. Who ever has a plan?

I start in one direction and get turned around almost instantly. But maybe I like being lost. Lost means new things, and new things mean change, and change can be good. Change can be refreshing. Change means things never get stale, and I for one don't like my situations stale, only my croutons. Uncertainty is scary, but croutons are delicious. I'll take my croutons with a side of ranch, please.

Lost again, there I go. I feel like I'm in a forrest full of trees, and I can choose one to sit under, to relax, and think, but is it the right one? I'm not good at choices or decisions. You never know if you make the right choice even after weighing all the options a thousand times. Just roll the dice, let go, and hope that it works out.

Or maybe stay lost. But if you're there, somewhere, it'll be ok.

Friday, October 5, 2012

late night delirium

i just sent an email to a field deputy for a congressman and all i can think about is angela (from the tv show the office) being like "THE SENATOR AND I BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH WE LIKE TO DO IT" obviously that's not what she says but that's what's happening in my head.

You're welcome for sharing this story.


(written in July, post delayed for marination)

Thursday, October 4, 2012


Footsteps on the floor outside my door. Are they coming for me? I'm not ready to go yet. I'm comfortable here. Why are you looking at me? I don't have the answers you want.

They've run off with my walls. Trying not to panic as I think of what's next, the uncertainty, the unknown. Where's my safety net? I forgot to hang it up before I jumped. I didn't jump, I was pushed. I had no choice in this. 

Bright lights in my eyes, I guess this is what the world looks like from your point of view. Maybe outside isn't so bad.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Art imitating life imitating art imitating life imitating art imitating life

Jason: Your life is seriously a sitcom
Me: Can't wait until it makes it on tv, then I can add it to my already too long list of tv shows to watch

Sunday, September 30, 2012


I wonder how many times I've accidentally flashed the child who lives across the alley from me. His window looks directly into mine, and although I keep my shades closed at all times (because let's face it, there are creepers out there), my roommate's cat jumps into the window and messes the shades up.'s possible. Whoops.

Kid across the alley from me: I'm sorry...or you're welcome!

UPDATE:  The kid is about eight years old. And super into butterflies.

After discussing this scenario with a friend of mine, this is what was imagined his blog would say:


Friday, September 28, 2012

Love and AIDS

What are the chances that I would find both of these things today? Crazy! Love it. True life...

To you, with you...Let's just make out, man. Or go on a date. That'd be cool too.

If someone filled this out and gave it to me I would probably die of happiness slash embarrassment slash feeling feelings which would be SUPER WEIRD because I DON'T FEEL THINGS. What?

Also, happy birthday to Hilary Duff yesterday who apparently just turned 25 and is married with a child and although she was a child star has not gotten into any trouble with the law. Amazing! Take that Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan!

When I was younger people thought I was Lindsay (during the Parent Trap era). A few people were like OMG ARE YOU LINDSAY LOHAN?! And because I thought they were kidding I was all "yes, yes I am." And then they were like YOU WERE IN A MOVIE. And I was all "yes, yes I was." And then they would walk away. One time a girl asked me for my autograph and I was like "Oh I'm sorry I can't."

Which reminds me of New Years last year when this guy was trying to midnight mouth rape my friend Amanda and me while we were in Vegas (yeah ok, I get it, you want someone to kiss at midnight to start the new year off right but seriously, ew) and at first I was nice and said we couldn't because we had boyfriends, but he was PERSISTENT. So then I was like "Look I'm sorry we can't kiss you but we have AIDS." And then we walked away from him but he kept following us. Obviously the dude wanted AIDS.

Happy Carmageddon II!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

In the old noggin...

In trying to figure out what to post about this evening, I realized I was trying to force something just for the sake of....whatever. I lost my train of thought. Awesome, I love when that happens. So here's a list of things that are on my mind at the moment:

1) I watch wayyyyy too much TV. So much so that I made an excel spreadsheet so I could keep track of the shows I watch. Yes! Dedication! Also, if the list of shows you watch is over the number of fingers on your hand(s), you know you watch too much! I am going to refrain from telling you my number because it's RIDICULOUS. And let me tell you, I am suuuuuper behind. I feel like trying to catch up would take months. It probably will. Because it's almost like a second job. Or a sickness. Yeah, definitely a sickness. I should probably get help, but I don't have time because of all the shows I watch. Yeah...

2) Everybody is KILLING IT on Facebook these days. People getting engaged, or married, or having babies, or starting businesses, or getting jobs that they've been dreaming about since they were still in the womb. That's awesome. GOOD FOR YOU. I'm thrilled that your lives are taking off while I still cuddle with my stuffed animal Pigglywinks every night and have very little direction otherwise. But whatever, Pigglywinks will be with me forever! Commitment! It's a thing! Whatever, sometimes I like to cuddle. And I've got a cool job right now, too! So THERE. Suck it. Wait...Anyway, good job people of the world. High fives for everyone.

3) I joined a gym! Hurray fitness! I am TOTALLY going to be bikini ready by 2013. Seriously, that's what I told them my goal was and they were all "Oh yeah, that's definitely doable!" And in my head I was thinking "uh, if it's not doable that's really freaking pathetic since this summer is barely over!" Anyway. Getting in shape! Being healthy! Great!

4) INTERNET DATING IS STILL DUMB. That's all I have to say on that right now. (But seriously, it's dumb. For realz.)

Ok well I guessssssss that's all that's on my mind right about now. So if you'll excuse me I am going to go eat a big bowl of ice cream while I think about my personal training session I'm having tomorrow, and then I'm going to cuddle with Pigglywinks. (Minus the bowl of ice cream. BIKINI 2013 HERE I COME!)

Sunday, September 23, 2012


I want to weird you out.

I want to change my clothes from my normal patterns. No jeans, no t-shirt, no sweater. I want to start wearing dresses just to see what you'd say. Do my hair in ribbons and curls. Paint my face with the colors of the wardrobe I'll put away.

I want to tease you with my brain, just like you tease me with yours. I want to watch your face change with the words I've chosen to tantalize your thoughts. I want you to think about me. Think of no one else for awhile.

I want to listen to your past, and have you listen to mine. I want to know how you came to be like this. How you think, how you feel. Where your brain goes when you're not paying attention. What you listen to when you're having a bad day. What makes you breathless.

I want to spend time with you, away from here, from the prying eyes of the public who don't know what things are unless they're spelled out. Go somewhere and have a beer with you, let our words and thoughts play together. Maybe our fingers.

I want you to want these things too.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Can I borrow some sugar?

I am very vocal with some of my friends about wanting to do things that are a little more than friendly with people. Here are some commonly used phrases that I will say to my friends but would never say to the person I'm interested in (unless we've been dating for awhile):

I want your/his face on my face.
I want to make out with your/his face.
I want to lick your/his face. 
Let's make out. 
I want to give him some of my cookies. (both literally and...double entendre-y)

There are a few more but those are more towards specific people and NOT APPROPRIATE FOR THE RANDOM PEOPLE OF THE INTERNETS TO KNOW AT THIS PRESENT MOMENT.

Thank you for your time. 

PS I'm in big trouble these days...definitely channeling Sandra Bullock in Two Weeks Notice or Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal. Ten points to you if you guess the connection! (Aside from the part where I'm super sexy. That's way too obvious!)

Saturday, September 8, 2012


I just wanted to let the world know that during last night's midnight earthquake, my response was to take off my pants. This was a reasonable reaction in my half asleep state.

Clearly I am the kind of person you would want around in an emergency. Clearly.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Labor Day Ineptitude

Last night I tried to make a smoothie and failed. Apparently I don't know how to use a blender. Exciting night!

Then today, I asked a friend of mine if I should sign up for speed dating. She read "special ed" and thought it was a normal question for me to be asking.

Happy Labor Day!

Friday, August 24, 2012

65 years and still going strong

My grandparents' 65th anniversary is today. That's nuts! And awesome.

Anyway, I thought I'd share the speech I gave at their party on Sunday. Enjoy!


My grandparents are pretty great. Obviously you all know this, because you're here today to celebrate the love that these two wonderful people have shared for 65 years. When I think about it, I can hardly fathom that amount of time. My longest relationship was two years, and just that blip seems like a long time to me. 

One of the things I love most about about them is how encouraging they are. Not in the generic "you can do it" kind of way. They push. Grandpa has told me more times than I can count that I need to stand up for myself so people don't walk all over me. Not because they do, but just as a reminder that I'm a person that should be thought of when taking things into consideration. And grandma continues to tell me that I can do anything I want to do, because I'm smart enough to figure out how to make whatever I want happen. Everyone can always use people like them in their corner.

Something else amazing about them is how caring they are, not only towards each other, but to everyone around them. I have heard from both of them numerous times that if something is bothering me about what they're saying or asking or doing, to make sure I tell them and they'll stop doing it. Of course, I haven't needed to because of how wonderful they are. They always want to make sure that everyone around them is having a good time. And I know they appreciate all of you being here to enjoy this celebration with them.

They are great role models, and I hope that when I grow up, I am as delightful to be around, as sassy, and as in love as these two fantastic people I get to call my grandparents.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Notification Validation

Facebook is probably ruining my life.

The red notification number. That's all I want to see. When I'm on googlereader reading blogs, I just toggle my screen to check on Facebook to see if I have any new notifications. Watching things on hulu, during the commercial breaks, I check. WRITING A BLOG POST, I CHECK.

For me, and probably a lot of people, a notification is the ultimate sign of validation. I'll post a status, hoping that someone will like it or comment on it. And if they don't, usually within 15-20 minutes, I delete it. Because I can't stand the fact that I've put something out there that no one can identify with. What's the point of sharing something if no one cares?

I know, you're supposed to do everything you do for your own enjoyment, but...sometimes, the validation is what you need. Most of the time, I need validation. I don't even have a good reason for it, really. My parents are still together, I had no real childhood problems (as far as I know), I wasn't adopted or abandoned (except by an afterschool program, but they didn't really have their act together) why do I need to be validated so much?

This new feature facebook has, where it tells you if people have seen your message is really screwing me up too. They had that on my old phone with bbm, where it would show you if something was delivered and then if it was read. It gives you a complex! "They've seen my message, but they haven't responded. Why haven't they responded? Do they hate me? Are we in a fight that I forgot about?" Just thinking about it is stressing me out!

I need a xanax. (Is that what people take? I should get on facebook and check that.)

*Things I didn't touch on that facebook is also stressing me out about: Business success, engagements/new relationships, babies. I don't have any of these things. WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

i made a!

You guys! I made a video! You should watch it.

If you want.

(No pressure.)

(Please watch it.)


Friday, June 22, 2012

okcupid! okstupid! aah! what!

I have officially been on OKCupid for...ew, way too long to count. I just went back in my email to check because I was SURE it couldn't have been as long as it has. I was wrong. I've been on there since March 11. MARCH. IT IS ALMOST JULY.

Originally, I signed up on there because I wanted to have some good stories to tell about some terrible pick up lines sent to me that I wasn't sure if they were actual pick up lines or if that's how the guys on there talk. (Still not sure if they were serious or if they sent me terrible things because I set myself up for it.) I wasn't even going to respond to messages because that's how little I had invested in this project. I just thought it would be funny! And it was, for awhile. Well, funny and gross. And then I figured, well, why not respond to messages and see what happens? Again, more stories will come from this! Hurray blogging material and life experiences!

And then I started exchanging phone numbers with people. Meeting up with them, going on a few dates.

And then I was brutally murdered and chopped into little pieces.

Just kidding! Obviously. (Or am I? I guess you'll never know! Nah, you're smart. You'll figure it out. Probably.)

I went on a few dates that seemed promising, and then never heard from the guys again. I went on a few dates that were really terrible and didn't STOP hearing from the guys. (Isn't that how it always is?)

And now I'm in a happy relationship! I met someone off OKCupid! And we're getting married! And you're all invited!

Just kidding, again. You'd all be invited, except I haven't been able to go on more than 2 dates with any of the guys on there. Apparently I'm not just bad at life, I'm bad at guys. YAY!

Anyway, after all the "gems" I received on OKCupid, I decided that I would do what any normal person would do...(if you guessed delete my profile you would be WRONG)

I signed up for Jdate again!

Hopefully this time it'll be better, but if notttttttttt then I'm probably destined to die alone. That's cool, I already bought a stuffed animal. And my roommate has cats. WIN WIN WIN!

Here are some of the delicious things I received while on OKCupid:

"Hey, your eyes are so sexy, where are u from ? I'd like to get to know u :) "

"Are you a human or just an account the website created to get guys to join?"

"call me up, we'll do something fun your kind of sexy in a cool sort of way" - thanks for the backhanded compliment, dude


"Dear (insert girl's name here),

How are you? I am fine. What is your favorite color? Mine is burnt sienna. I can see from your profile that you are a girl of many interests. You like (insert activity from her profile here) and I do too. You also like (insert DIFFERENT activity here) and I also like that too.

Do you enjoy candlelit dinners, romantic movies and long walks on the beach? See, I do too.

I wanted to write this special message just for you today, (insert girl's name again), to tell you just how amazing it would be if we went out on a date to (insert fun, but not too expensive, date venue). As you can tell, we already have so much in common like (insert activity, music and food selection) that our connection is bound to be very strong and passionate and will only grow stronger and more passionate when we discover more about each other, (insert girl's name).

That sounds really good, doesn't it.

I look forward to your response so that we may both set off on the magical journey that is our destiny, (girl's name). You are the only girl on (insert the dating website here) that I have felt any connection to and the only one that I have written this very special message to.

In closing, I will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite poets:

(Insert poetry quote here)


(insert MY name here)"


Happy internet dating!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

So sad :(

At least I have a carrier for my groceries. Which is a cart. In my apartment. I need to put the carrier in my car so I can use it to carry my groceries from my car to my apartment. I NEED A BOYFRIEND TO CARRY MY GROCERY CARRIER TO MY CAR!!!!

I live a sad life.


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

texts to jason! (PART TWO)

Slutty McSlutterson over here.....

Just kidding, I don't sleep with that many guys. The main man in my life right now is Pigglywinks! He is a lovely stuffed pig that I bought for myself a few years ago when I didn't have a Valentine. He keeps me company every night. Yes, I am a child. OH WELL! BABIES HAVING BABIES.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

texts to jason!

Sometimes I have things that I want to share, but haven't figured out the right platform for the little tidbits of wisdom (sidenote: not really wisdom) that I want to impart. For these, I have Jason. I met him when I was moving into my apartment back in March of 2011. I was supposed to go to Disneyland with him the day after I met him with two of my other friends, but I had a liiiiiittle too much to drink the night before and was a tad too hungover to go. Jason was very understanding, even though he had driven all the way up to my house (20 minutes away), and pretty much ever since then we've been good friends. Or maybe it was the night that we went to a bar and I kissed a girl? One of those.

Anyway, here are some of the fun things I've shared with Jason for no other reason than I FELT LIKE IT.

"Would you like to vajazzle your va jay jay? Come on, you know you like to decorate your jewels!"

"Can you please approve my decision to order a pizza?"

"Omg my life is a never ending hilarious joke that only I think is funny. So it's a never ending hilarious inside joke"

"I am having a panic attack about how amused I am at my life. It's ridiculousssssssssss"

"I hate me. And everyone. Consistency!"

"I think I need to find someone I don't know to move in to my apartment so when I end up hating them I don't feel bad"

While drunk in a hotel room in Vegas: "I guess I could go down and play by myself (also hahahaha that sounds dirty, dirtier if I said with myself, side note wtf is wrong with me)"

Still drunk in a hotel room in Vegas:
Me: Hi my name is Esther and I make all sorts of terrible decisions
Jason: Your mom should shackle you down
Me: That's abuse and I don't appreciate you advocating for it
Jason: Hahahahaha
Me: Time to play, perhaps?
Jason: Yes but use protection
Me: They don't allow condoms at the craps tables. I've asked before

"Omg I'm wearing three different shade of grey right now. I don't know why I feel the need to share that but I do. I want to make a joke about how there's no black and white, only a hundred shades of grey and I'm wearing all of them. I look like I belong in pleasantville."

I hope you all have friends like Jason. Or friends like me! Because we're both awesome. YEAH.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Uh oh, not again...

So I was recently thinking of giving up alcohol. Again. I gave up drinking from a few days before my 20th birthday until my 21st birthday for a few reasons - the first of which was the amount I was drinking was a little out of hand, the second was I wanted my 21st birthday to be special. I kind of wrote about some of this before in my old blog, which you can check out here if you want.

Anyway, the reason I was thinking of giving it up now isn't because I'm out of control or anything, but I feel like it's killing my brain cells. WHAT?! ALCOHOL KILLS BRAIN CELLS?! NO WAY. At least I think that's why I was thinking giving it up. I can't remember. Damn you, brain cells, I kind of need you sometimes.

I think I was talking about doing this to a few friends of mine while slightly (ok, maybe very) intoxicated at a party at my place the other night. The only problem with me giving up drinking is that I've heard I'm way less fun when sober. From a few different people. Which is kind of a terrible thing to say to anyone. So that's fun, thanks guys! But that was the reaction that I got when I decided to quit drinking back when I was 20, was that I'm not as fun when I'm not drinking. That's such a depressing thought. I can be fun! I just have to feel less hateful.

I think it also has to do with the fact that I make some pretty stupid decisions. And while they make hilarious anecdotes, they aren't always necessarily the best decisions for my life. But as long as they make good stories, that's all that matters, right?! Plus, I make bad decisions while sober, so maybe the alcohol has no effect on me. (Um, really? In what universe would that happen? No universe, that's where.)


Ok, well, that was a terrible post but I really wanted to share that video. But check out that segue! How awesome was that?!

Monday, February 27, 2012

hip...hip hop...hip hop anonymous?

I went to a dance show this weekend, which was awesome. I seriously think that I should just take like 500 hip hop classes and then I'll be knock your socks off good at it (that's a thing people say, isn't it?).  I mean, here is proof that I'm pretty good at hip hop already after JUST ONE CLASS!

I know, right? Amazing.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Humiliation! #1

I was reading an article on HelloGiggles that said something about how a person's life is really measured by their humiliations. Well, GOOD! Because I have a lot. But humiliating life experiences make good stories, right? Kind of.

The first thing that popped in my mind was when I was at a memorial service for my friend's grandmother when we were about 11 or 12. (I know, this is hilarious already, right? Just stick with me, it'll work out, I promise. And if not, leave a comment and I'll give you cookies.) My Havurah (pseudo-family in Jewish-speak) was all there as a support system. There were a handful of families, and they all had kids. So, once the "serious" stuff was over, everyone in my age group went into another room to hang out, talk, and play the game of LIFE.

Now, this was no ordinary game. Of course, you have the regular board game where you decide if you want to skip college and get a job, or go to college and then get a job, get married, get some kids, and drive around in a happy little car thing with pink or blue pegs. But our version of the game was a covert version of spin the bottle. Each person had a number on the spinner, and whichever number came up was the person who would get kissed. Smart, right? If a parent came in, it looked like we were playing LIFE, so it was safe! We looked like good kids! Not up to anything out of the ordinary! Making life choices! (bad pun, sorry)

WELL! It was my turn to spin, so there we were, going at it, for about seven seconds (this was pre-french kissing, so we just had extended smooches). About halfway through, everyone started laughing, and I had no idea why. GUESS WHAT?! The Rabbi who had done the service had walked in!

(I hid in the bathroom for the rest of the evening.)

Already a hussy at only 11. Jeez.

Yay embarrassment!

(Also, as I was writing this I commented on someone's status and no one responded to what I thought was hilarious so yeah. Humiliation continues. Cool story, bro.)

Edit: I was just informed by my mom that this actually took place about 10 years ago, and not 14. Good. I guess that makes me a little bit less of a hussy? That doesn't seem right. Good luck figuring out the timeline that doesn't make sense!

Saturday, February 11, 2012


Someone found my blog by going to How does that even happen?!

Anyway, Valentine's day is just around the corner (TUESDAY!) and my plan is to watch Wall-E, eat ice cream, and try to hold hands with myself. Because that's what Wall-E does until he finds Eve! And my lifelong goal is be like Wall-E. Clean the earth and put it in boxes by sticking it in my belly. What? I don't know. But I don't rain on your life goals, so don't rain on mine. Plus if you did, I'd rust. (Get it? Because I'm a robot? Yeesh, terrible.)

So I'll leave you with this lovely Valentine's Day card! Hope you have a wonderful Hallmark Holiday!

Made by my good friend Brian Monarch.  Get the template here!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


Last night I had a dream that I lived in a house full of comics and an OCD comedian I know came over after I had emptied a box of clothes that I was trying to get rid of and I was like "WHAT TERRIBLE TIMING FOR YOU TO SEE THIS!" And then I asked if my box was done being used and then I laughed at myself because I made a vagina joke in my dream. And then I woke up.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Just a disclaimer

Listen. Just because I listened to something that you produced does not mean I'm in love with you. Yes, maybe I did come to a show that I wouldn't have normally come to, but NO it was not just because you were there. Well, maybe that was part of it. But I know you! And I had nothing else to do! So why not?! I'm not stalking you, or coming to your house and holding a radio over my head saying something along the lines of "OH MY GOSH WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!" or "WHY WON'T YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND?!" One, I'm not that kind of girl, and two, I don't know where you live. Also this is not an 80's romcom and that shit doesn't work anymore. Or maybe it does, I don't know, it's never happened to me. I'll make sure to report my findings if/when that happens. Although my window faces an alleyway with huge garbage bins so, that's unlikely. Unless the guy likes garbage. In which case I'll have to change my scent...actually, no, I'll keep what I'm wearing. Smell garbage on your own time, buddy. I'm not that kind of girl! that we've gotten THAT out of the way...wanna make out?