Monday, August 24, 2015

JOE IS STILL THE WORST - Bachelor in Paradise Week 3 Night 2



Juelia, Jade, and Samantha sit down to have a conversation about how shady Joe is. Jade says that Joe didn't give Juelia the respect she deserves, and that they don't want Sam to get disrespected. Because that's what friends DO. They look out for each other and make sure the dudes they're with aren't dickbags. Juelia starts giving Samantha the rundown of what happened, and Samantha stops her midway through and says "wait, hold up. I think Joe should be here so he can defend himself." Which. What. No. I would trust my friend over some dude. Samantha, come on. Also, Samantha looks like she's on something in her interview. So she's probably cracked out.

"Everything is fine. Nothing's weird." - tales from a delusional sociopath's scheming girlfriend, Samantha

BIG LIZARD! It eats a plant.

Juelia talks to Clare and Ashley I about how Samantha took hearing about Joe. Juelia tells them and they're like "WHAT! GIRLFREEEEN'! She's trippin." Clare says "With friends like that, you don't need enemies" and now I'm wondering who gave Clare books?

Joe and Samantha are now talking about what Juelia said. Joe says that he only wanted to pursue Samantha, and now he's making out with her cheek? I don't get it.

Jared and Tanner talk about how Joe was a saint on Kaitlyn's season, and how he was the best, and now he's turned into Public Enemy Number One. Tanner tells Jared that they're both in on it, and Jared's like "yeah, that's how it looks." Tanner corrects him and says "NO! They ARE both in on it. I've seen the screenshots!" Tanner says that Sam sent Joe a text saying "Do whatever it takes to stay until I arrive." SO basically they're scamming the show. How did the producers not know about this beforehand? RATINGS. Tanner didn't want to intervene but was thinking that maybe Joe isn't a sociopath and had developed real feelings for Juelia buuuuut NOPE.

Jared and Tanner go tell Joe that he needs to tell everyone that he talked to Sam before the show and that they know he lied to Jared's face. Joe says "no, you asked if I had ever met her."  Sure Joe. Whatever you need to tell yourself to make you believe your lies. Samantha then kicks everyone out, and tells Joe what she said in her interview, and now what he should say in the interview when they ask him about talking to her to make sure they've got their stories straight. He's like "I already answered their questions, so...." and she's like DAMMIT JOE YOU'RE AN IDIOT. These guys are real on top of their intelligent game, they're totally going to win Paradise. OH WAIT. And Samantha shuts the door on the camera guy.

Dan and Ashley broke up, which is very sad. 

AMBER shows up! She was from Chris's season. She's here to meet Dan! Ashley S is super excited to see Amber, and she says that seeing Amber "lit her face up." Amber comes in with a date card (of course), and she asks Dan. Dan says that he wants to go, but he wants to talk to her first. Ashley S comes into her interview and is really sad, but then smiles. She loves Amber! But she's sad! Because she loves Dan! Love triangle even though Dan and Ashley broke up? Maybe not. I don't know shapes.

Dan tells Amber that he and Ashley S were together but they kind of broke up, so he wants to talk to Ashley before he says yes. He then pulls Ashley aside, and she is not happy about it. She's bummed because he's been avoiding her all day, instead of coming to talk to her and saying that he wasn't interested anymore. But he's NOT not interested, he's just trying to figure out his feelings! And now Amber is here, and he's going to try that out with her. PARADISE! Sexy times?

They're reminding us of the couples in the house now:
Jade and Tanner
Kirk and Carly
Tenley and Joshua
Ashley I and Jared, I guess. Ashley says "you look really hot right now, so I'm going to run away." That's life guys!

JJ and Megan are on their date! Megan asks JJ if this is the first time he's been to Mexico. He says that he's been to Cabo for spring break. And then he asks if Megan has been to Mexico, and she says no, and then he's like "Oh wait, you went to Albuquerque that one time!" And she laughs and doesn't understand that he's making fun of her. (On Chris's season she thought New Mexico was part of Mexico. "I've never left the country before!" or something like that. BRAINS) They jump in the ocean and she says "This is the quickest I've ever been wet on a first date." HEY-O. JJ says that he enjoys her beautiful blue eyes, and her other assets. Camera zooms to her boobs. Thanks for helping us out with that one, we weren't sure what he was talking about.


Dan and Amber leave on their date! Juelia and Ashley S cuddle. Ashley cries. Joe and Samantha are sitting on the floor like Ashley I did when she peed in the ocean. Gross. Ashley S and Juelia are in love. Friends. Ashley goes to play with the birds! And she flirts with them. Cute. Everyone is worried about her because she's brought back her crazy. That's what happens when you break up. Or is it?

Amber and Dan are on their date. Creepy strangers follow them and say "KISS! KISS! KISS!" So they do. And then the strangers yell "AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!" So they do. Again. Fireworks! Literally, in the sky. And in the air? They get to dinner. Dan tells Amber that there was something between him and Ashley and there wasn't something that he could see with her outside of Paradise. Then Dan and Amber kiss again. Then Dan says "I don't know what kind of future we have, buuuuuuuut we're having fun!"

Tanner is getting real serious about the fact that Joe lied straight to Jared's face about talking to Samantha before Paradise. Tanner and Jared are filling JJ in after his date with Megan so he can get up to date on all the DRAMA! Because what is Paradise if someone is left out from everything? JJ calls him the Vil of the Vils. OH SNAP. When JJ thinks you've done something's like...ouch. JJ thinks Joe should give away his rose to someone who deserves to stay and that Joe and Sam should just run away to a hotel somewhere. DO IT. GET OUT OF MY FACE HOLES.

JJ goes to confront Joe, and Joe is like STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT THIS SHIT. Joe says "that's between myself and whoever decides me." JJ looks understandably confused because Joe, what the heck did you just say? JJ asks if he was here for one person, and Joe says "No, I was just here for Samantha." And again everyone is confused. Now Joe is justifying his terrible treatment of Juelia. UGH. JOE. 

Joe then insults JJ. Jared reminds Joe that he had lied straight to his face. Joe is like "whatEVER guys. Leave me alone! UGH." Joe and JJ get into semantics about what he said. JJ compares Joe to his little brother and the shit that he pulls. Joe compares JJ to his sister and says she's way more intelligent than he is. JJ calls Joe a circular reference and YES WE GET IT LET'S MOVE ON SOMEONE JUST PLEASE PUNCH JOE ALREADY. Joe tries to say that what he did is the same as what Jared did and it's like HOW DARE YOU. Jared is a good guy, not a scumbag like YOU.

Jared asks the question we've all been wondering: "What planet am I on, where I would have came into paradise thinking I like JJ better than Joe right now?" Sounds like we all need therapy.

Joe and JJ get in each other's faces! DRAMATIC MUSIC! OH NO. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Nope. Joe walks away. Dammit. JJ, you were so close. JJ yells from Joe to come back so they can duke it out like real men. Joe just looks dumb. JJ says he wants to make Joe look like the hillbilly he is and give him four missing teeth. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!!!!!!!????


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

What Does a Red Flag Look Like? BACHELOR IN PARADISE Week 3 Night 1


When we last left off...

We were in the middle of a rose ceremony. Clare ran away because waaaaaaahhhhhh nobody is looking for love!

OH MY GOSH WE'RE GOING TO MEET JORGE THE BARTENDER THIS EPISODE. That's like the most exciting news I've had in weeks. Also Chris is still reading his own book.

Chris Harrison goes after Clare to see why she's crying. She needs to pull it together! The girls have the roses, so she can just choose whoever! Chris tells her she's only been here a week and she hasn't given love a chance. Good job Chris! Tell her to get her ass back in here so she can give her rose to a dude so they can stay. "Clare wasn't feeling well for a minute." Sure.

And now back to the rose ceremony! Before we left, Jade picked Tanner, Carly picked Kirk, Ashley S picked Dan, Tenley picked Joshua.
And now:
Ashley I picks...Jared!
Clare picks...JJ! Because she has no chemistry with Mikey and he still hasn't figured it out.
Juelia picks...Joe. And we all yell at our screens like we're watching a horror movie, BECAUSE WE ARE. Bye Jonathan, bye Mikey, bye Michael G. We'll miss you.

Juelia is feeling excited and hopeful about Joe. She's already feeling like if they end up together she would be totally ok with moving. Juelia! You're moving way too fast! Joe is looking forward to when Samantha will arrive.


And now...Samantha has gotten here. Chris says no one remembers her. OH WELL. She's planning on making herself known in Paradise. She also says she's looking for a good guy. So how does Joe fit in?

Juelia is really excited to see Samantha because they were friends on Chris's season. Samantha obviously comes down with a date card. "Do I pick now or...?" Tenley asks if she has an idea of who she wants and she immediately says "I'm going to pick YOU" to Joe. He gets this stupid look on his face like "THE SCHEME IS WORKING." Samantha asks if she can talk to Joe, and they go walk away so she can ask him on a date for a second time? Didn't she already ask him? Just now? Seriously, for this being the second time around on a dating show for both of them, they suck. Although I guess Samantha didn't get very far so she doesn't really know how it works...

Juelia isn't sure why Samantha picked Joe right off the bat. Samantha asks Joe if he's gone on any dates or made any connections and he said he went on a date with Juelia but no real connection. BOO. Juelia tells Carly that she can't even compete with Samantha because she's a perfect specimen, and Carly reminds her that it's not about that, it's about the connection. THE CONNECTION.

Back at the dining room table, Jared calls Joe a dog because he said yes to the date. Jared asks if Joe talked to Sam before the show started, and Joe says no. Joe's like "WHY, you think I couldn't have gotten a date just because she got here and decided she liked me?" Yeah, basically, you super gross dude. Jared backtracks and says that he just heard that, that's why. Tanner says "I hope he doesn't hurt Juelia." Jared says "Have fun! She's a beautiful girl. OH ALSO YOU SHOULD TALK TO JUELIA BEFORE YOU GO." Everyone stares Joe down because he is totally not going to do that. Joe and Sam walk up to the group holding hands, and everyone is just like "THAT IS SO MESSED UP." Joe didn't talk to Juelia before he left, like the gross asshole that he is. I get that this is what Paradise is about, seeing what's out there, but like, if you get asked on a date right after you've been hanging out with someone else, the DECENT thing to do is to go talk to the person you went on a date with before. UGH. I HATE JOE.

Juelia says that Joe seems very comfortable holding Sam's hand after they just met 15 minutes ago. Samantha laughs as they walk away to their date. UGH.

I've never welcomed a commercial break more. Gimme those ads!

And now Joe and Sam are taking sexy pictures. They're getting into really sexy poses and it's making me feel sick. The pictures look pretty good but I hate them. So I don't want to talk about them anymore. EW THEY KISS AND IT'S SO GROSS.

Juelia is thinking about how Joe was campaigning last night before the rose ceremony where he was defending his honor, and how she had to fight through that and trust him. She thinks that she should tell Samantha about their history so that Sam can make an informed decision about Joe. If I was Sam and my friend came to me and told me how the guy I was dating (let's use that term loosely here) played me, I would NOT be interested in that guy anymore. But who knows, Joe is manipulative enough that maybe Sam won't care! I guess we'll find out when they get back from their super gross date. This intercutting of Juelia crying and Sam laughing is heartbreaking though. I feel so bad for Juelia!

Joe and Sam get back from their date holding hands and she's holding flowers. And then he asks Jared if he wants a shrimp quesadilla. Because that is very relevant to this world. Now they're describing their date, and the difference between Joe describing his date with Sam and describing his date with Juelia is like night and day. He's not even being respectful of Juelia right now and it's really rude. Juelia leaves the table. Good job, lady.

Jared tells Joe again that he needs to talk to Juelia. Juelia doesn't want it to be awkward. Jared tells Joe that he knows that Joe didn't use Juelia for the rose. Joe smirks and Jared's like SHUT UP NO YOU DI'INT and Joe steals JJ's line that he's just trying to Vil. Jared tells him that that isn't what he's doing and he NEEDs to go talk to her. Then Joshua tells Joe he needs to talk to her. So finally after a long time he's like UGH FINE. He goes to talk to Juelia and they settle nothing. Joe doesn't even look in the same direction as Juelia, and he's clearly wasted. "OK GOOD TALK, K BYE"

Clare goes to make a phone call home, and gets her buddy the raccoon! You guys he's so cute. He's telling her all about everything that's happening, and she's super into it. And she's telling him, too. Crabs! Not a euphemism because she's not getting any. And then he hangs up on her. Because he's a raccoon and they don't know how to say bye.

Carly and Jade are talking about how there's super sexual chemistry between Carly and Kirk. And she wants to GET. IT. ON. Kirk is super cute. #sorrykirksmom. Carly wants to know what Kirk is waiting for in terms of hooking up...I think maybe she forgot there are cameras everywhere? DATE CARD! Joshua is taking forever to read it, even Jorge the Bartender wants to know what it says! And it's for CARLY! She instantly attacks Kirk. YAY. Choose a man to light your fire! "He already did."

Ashley S talks to Jorge the bartender about Dan! Jorge thinks Dan is a good guy. Then Juelia joins in the conversation about how good of a guy Dan is. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO? I can't take the suspense. Aaaaand now Jade is talking to Dan about how taxing "out of character" moments are. So she became a human and now he's not interested? Ok. Sure. But at least he's going to talk to her and figure it out. Is another girl going to come in for Dan to talk to? Probably. PARADISE.

Chris Harrison is waiting for someone to come down the stairs. Megan! From Chris's season. She thought that New Mexico was a different country. I guess her suitcase was lost so she's wandering around Mexico trying to buy new clothes. And instead of putting them in a bag she's wearing all of them at once.

Kirk and Carly's date! They have a nice, romantic dinner. She points out fires! Get it? Fires? And today is her brother's wedding so she thinks there is a special significance there. "My brother is getting married and this is my first real date with Kirk, so it's like we're both starting our romantic journey at the same time!" Almost, but not quite. I hope she really finds love here though, otherwise...missing your brother's wedding? That sucks. They start having a serious conversation about their big picture, and more of what they're looking for. Kirk talks about how it takes a long time for him to admit he's in a relationship, and Carly comments on how this was more like a rocket. Which it was, they've been together since night one! Adorbs, though. Kirk tells us he might be uneasy with this relationship and he has to figure out if it's right. BUT THEY'RE SO CUTE.

Ashley S and Dan go to have a chat. Ashley tells him that she feels like they have a really good connection and that they had an advantage because they went to the hospital. That's kiiiind of true, since they had a bunch of hours to really hang out without the cameras. Dan talks about how Paradise is so intense and that it brings out a lot of things, both good and bad, in everyone. Dan tells Ashley that he's been thinking about what he really wants, and whether their personalities mesh up, and Ashley looks shocked. She tells him that she's only here for him, and if he doesn't want her then basically why should she stick around? She isn't looking for anyone else. Which is pretty smart, if you have a connection with someone that you think is going really well, and then all of a sudden you don't anymore, would you even be ready to meet someone else in the next day or two? Like, yes, this is Paradise and not real life, but still. They're not robots. (Except for Joe.)

Carly tells Kirk how today has been hard for her because her brother is getting married today in Ireland. IRELAND! Dang. (Her brother was on Desiree's season too.) Carly calls her brother in Ireland to tell him about the one on one date. After that call, Kirk decides he's all in, so Kirk and Carly go to the hotel and order a fantasy suite! SEXY TIMES. "We'd like one fantasy suite, please!" FIREWORKS. BYE CAMERAS! SEE YA!


Megan finally found her way to Paradise! She offers Chris her "sobrero," where he immediately tells her that she's not pronouncing it right. Chris don't got time for your shit, Megs. Megan then says "ALOHA MEXICO!" She gets a date card. During her interview she gets distracted by a crab, that she just stares at. "I see it's eyes!" AND THEN IT GETS EATEN BY ANOTHER CRAB. OMG. WHAT.

She takes her date card and tries to read it. "Choose a man, and get lista for your first cita." She tries to decipher it, and determines that lista means first and cita means date. At least she's pretty.

Dan decides that he's going to try and go for Megan. Because going from crazy to lower intelligence seems like a good plan, I guess? Megan is interested in Dan and JJ, so she has to decide who she'll take on the date.


Carly and Kirk are awake! They definitely lit each other's fire. HEY-O. SEXY TIMES. He says she's like a pinball machine. What?

Megan has made her decision for who she's going to take. She has decided that she's not going to go for another douchebag, because every other relationship she's been in she's been cheated on and lied to. So she picks....JJ! The only guy who has OPENLY ADMITTED to CHEATING on his ex-wife. Good going, Megan. She wakes him up from a dead sleep to ask if he'll go. Dan is bummed that Megan chose JJ. Oh well. Ashley is happy that she didn't. DRAMA.

Ugh more Joe and Samantha. She looks like Ursula (from Little Mermaid) when she's in her human form. Gross. Lots of filming of them making out in the hot tub. Intercut with Juelia crying and feeling sad because Joe just completely played her. Such a dick. And her talking to her daughter saying she misses her. And now Samantha is giving him a handy in the jacuzzi! GROSSSSSSSSSSSSS PLEASE DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE GO IN THERE. Chlorine is sterilizing but still, EW. OH NO THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE OTHER POOL RIGHT NOW GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS I HATE JOE

This is the worst.

Dan says he wants to beat the shit out of Joe. AGREED. Everyone is asking Joe if he and Samantha had talked to each other before this. Now he's changing his story and saying that they had. Jared is now confronting Joe and saying that everyone feels bad for Juelia and they all feel like Joe played Juelia. This is getting repetitive. Everyone is saying that Joe played Juelia, Joe is denying it, but it's obviously true.

Dan offers to bring Joe over to Juelia so that they can have a conversation about how Joe played Juelia. Joe doesn't want to go over and talk to Juelia. He feels like he already talked this whole thing to death and that it's over. Everyone should mind their own business. MAYBE THEY WOULD, JOE, IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A DICK AND YOU HADN'T PLAYED THE NICEST PERSON IN THE HOUSE. Finally, Dan gets Joe to go with him, where Juelia tells him how she feels and how his actions were less than genuine. She also says that Mikey and Jonathan specifically told her that he was waiting for Samantha, and Joe cuts her off and says that her conversations didn't happen. COME ON. It's like having a conversation with a sociopath. You can't get straight answers out of him because he's not a good person. UGH. Finally Juelia says the conversation is over, and decides that she's going to tell Samantha everything that has happened so she can make a judgement. Joe gets very nervous and can't finish a sentence because he's so worried!

Juelia, Jade, and Samantha get up to go talk! Joe is worried that he's going to lose the best girl he's ever had! Uh oh! DRAMA!

OH NO IT CONTINUES TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111oneoneone

Thursday, August 13, 2015


So when we last left our heroes...

Juelia was falling for Joe, making Jonathan sad. Jared asked Clare on his date, breaking Mikey and Ashley I's hearts. Lauren (who?) left. Jade and Tanner are together and adorable, Kirk and Carly are together and adorable, Dan and Ashley S are together and adorable. Tenley is getting her freak on with JJ and Joshua. I think that's everyone. Chris Harrison is STILL reading his own book.

We open with Mikey farting. Lovely.

Mikey thinks that Clare was deceiving him by saying that she wanted to keep things open. He took it as her saying she wanted to take things slow and play it cool. Mikey, dude, are you listening to yourself? You obviously got it but didn't get it...So Mikey is realizing that two guys are going to have to go home this week, so he calls out to Ashley S. Dan gives him a look like "Uh, what are you doing?"

Birds in the water!

Jared and Clare's date! Clare thinks that Jared looks like superman. Seriously? Everyone is delusional with who they think Jared looks like. And now they're going to go bungee jumping! Take a leap of faith!

Parrots nuzzling! So cute!

Ashley I pees in the water again. Because she's still six.

Back to Jared and Clare about to go bungee jumping. NO FALLS NO BALLS! That's a literal sign they have up there. Amazing. Clare is nervous about bungee jumping, so she asks if they can just stop for a second. Jared's like "it's cool baby, don't be nervous, I'm here" and then kisses her with his eyes kind of open. That will totally calm her nerves! "You're ready. You got this. You're good. We're going to do this and it's going to be great." They jump! And Clare screams in Jared's ear for approximately twenty minutes. Clare says her body was shaking. That sounds gross. Clare's in looooove.

Kirk, Dan, Mikey, and Ashley are watching Juelia and Joe on the beach, and they're noticing his body language towards her is just very standoffish, and that he's avoiding her. Joe is waiting for another girl to show up, Samantha from Chris's season. Joe asks what kind of guy Samantha is into, and Jade tells him she's into pretty boys, like models. Joshua tells him not to sell himself short, he could be a model. To that I say: Excuse me while I vomit. Mikey doesn't think Joe is genuine, catching on to what we at home are seeing. Good job, Mikey!

SNAKE! No, literally, it's a snake. I wasn't giving Joe a nickname.

Clare is telling Carly and Juelia about her date, and how good it was. Ashley I can hear them talking, and (*GASP*) starts crying because she doesn't want to hear about their date. And how they kissed. Ashley cries some more, then cries a bit because she doesn't want to mess her makeup up. A crab curls up into itself, making us wish we could do the same.

Tenley is now in a love triangle with JJ and Joshua. A crab runs away! Michael G from Desiree's season is here! And he's here for Tenley! "Her name is Tenley, but to me she's and Eleven-ly" hahahahaha WHAT.

Michael G comes with a date card. He reads it, then translates the two words that are in Español. Everyone is thoroughly impressed with him being able to translate it, and I weep with despair for the world. Also, Joshua is SUPER sunburnt.

Michael G asks Tenley to go on his one on one date! Joshua wishes diarrhea on Michael because everyone here is a grownup.

Mikey takes Juelia for a walk. He's trying to convince her that he could be a good person for Juelia. Juelia says she just wants everyone to end up together and be happy, then says "ok, we're done with this talk now." They walk back over to the group, but on their way Mikey's like "why don't you just kiss me?" And goes in. Juelia's like "What? No. Mikey. Come on." Good for her for not giving in. But boo on Juelia for focusing on Joe. He's so gross.

Michael G and Tenley are eating at a table where they have to WALK ON WATER to get there! That's so cute. Tenley asks Michael G how he knew he wanted to take her on a date. He starts out with "obviously because you're strikingly beautiful, but then I saw how you're always smiling and you always seem so positive, and you have such good energy" and that's how I know I'm going to be alone forever. FOREVER ALOOOONE. Sorry, back to the recap.

They get up from the table and they go for a short walk and kiss! And then they walk back to the table. "Well that was a nice walk."

Jared is drunk, and so he brings up the fact that Clare is eight years older than him. But then he says that you need that spark and those butterflies. Clare is bummed. She says they had a good time on their date but there's no future there because he brought up the whole age thing. RUDE.

And now a hundred person mariachi band is playing for Tenley and Michael G's date! On water! They're all Jesus. This is amazing. Tenley's in trouble with this rose ceremony tomorrow, because she's got THREE dudes. Sassy!

Cocktail party!

Chris Harrison shows up! How weird, he's not holding his book. He asks the crew how they feel going into the rose ceremony. Joe responds saying that he's never overconfident so going into the rose ceremony is still intimidating and Juelia responds with "I think Joe knows he's getting my rose." Everybody vomits because he's SO GROSS. UGH. Ashley S is confused. She thinks Joe sucks too, and that Juelia is being played right now. (Question: Why isn't SHE saying anything to Juelia?)

Jonathan pulls Juelia away asking if she's 100 percent sure that Joe is getting her rose, and asks if Juelia thinks that Joe feels the same way about her that she feels about him. She thinks for a minute, then says "I think so." Jonathan says he doesn't think that Joe is here for the right reasons. She doesn't really believe him because she knows that Jonathan is on the chopping block and doesn't want to go home, but she also hopes that Jonathan isn't going to manipulate the situation. JOE IS GROSS. VOTE NO ON PROP JOE. Mikey pulls Juelia away again and agrees with Jonathan about how Joe is not here for her. Mikey makes a good point, to take into consideration how Joe has been treating her since their one on one. But these guys should NOT be telling her this! She knows they have an ulterior motive of not having to leave. Carly or Ashley S should be saying something to Juelia! Where's the womanly solidarity, guys?! Ugh.


Juelia tells Joe that Jonathan and Mikey don't feel like Joe is being genuine with her, and he just brushes it off. He makes some comment about how after coming back from their "really romantic" one on one date, he didn't want to be smothering her. Uh, you just completely ignored her, dude. Sure, not smothering her, but AVOIDING her is not convincing. And then UGH he kisses her super disgustingly and says "What are my intentions now?" And seriously I'm single handedly making the California drought worse by taking fifty billion showers RIGHT NOW.


Joe talks to a producer and tells them that he wants to basically punch Jonathan so many times that his brains come out of his ears. Joe is the worst. MORE SNAKES. Mikey tries to talk to Joe about how he's just politicking to get Juelia's rose, and Joe just turns around and says "Uh, no, that's you." Mikey tries to get Joe to confess that he's not being real by asking Joe to look Mikey in the eyes and tell him that he's really here for Juelia and he likes her. Joe responds with "yes, I like the girl." That's not specific! That's like me saying "I'm going to walk until I get to that driveway." THERE ARE LITERALLY MILLIONS OF DRIVEWAYS I COULD BE TALKING ABOUT. Joe. You are sleazy. Joe just manipulates the shit out of Mikey! This is hard to watch. And now he says he's going to do the same thing to Jonathan. GREAT.

Ugh, this is really hard to watch too. Jonathan is actually apologizing to Joe. He says that he got caught up in the game that you have to play in this situation, and that he did it in a messed up way. That he is here to find love and that he's sorry. UGH JONATHAN STOP IT. You and Juelia had a friendship, but at least it was more of a legit connection than Juelia and JOE. And now Joe is going to make Jonathan walk back up and tell Juelia exactly what he told Joe IN FRONT OF JOE. UGH. SO GROSS. So now Jonathan is telling Juelia what he told Joe, and he's crying! And Joe is like "yeah, let's hug it out. I appreciate you making this right." And Juelia just thinks that Joe is genuine and honest, and Joe is just sitting there smiling with this gross, smug smile on his face because he pulled the wool over everyone's eyes.


Now Jonathan is crying in the bathroom, and Joe is checking on him to rub his nose in the shit a little bit more. So rude. Just leave him alone! Ugh, and now he's bringing Jonathan's SON into this! STOP! GET OUT. GO AWAY.

Tenley is trying to figure out who she wants. Mikey G knows that she is who he's here for, and she is kind of intimidated by that. JJ is "everybody's favorite person" (what?), but she has the most chemistry with Joshua. She's not sure who she'll pick!

Jared comes to sit with Ashley I and they talk for a second and then Jared just kisses her! CUTE! And then she ruins it and says "You do that just as well as you do with Kaitlyn" AND EVERYBODY GAGS. She says "I was waiting for it long enough! But it was worth the wait."

Clare is sad that she doesn't have someone. So she makes a weird speech about how she's not campaigning and how people last year were there looking for love, and people this year they aren't. So weird. There are COUPLES. They're looking for love too? I don't get it.

Rose ceremony!

Jade tells Clare that she doesn't appreciate the speech that Clare made. And now I feel like both Jade and Clare have wasted our time talking about how people are or are not looking for love. BUT OH WELL.

Ok, rose ceremony for real now.

Couples going in:

Carly and Kirk
Jade and Tanner
Ashley S and Dan

Everybody else:
Michael G

Carly picks...Kirk. Duh. Oh my gosh he's wearing a bow tie and they are SO CUTE!
Ashley picks...Dan.
Jade picks...Tanner. Aw she looks so happy.
Tenley picks...JOSHUA! JJ looks bummed and so does Michael G.

Clare........starts crying and runs away. WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

She's talking about maybe leaving...



See you next week!!!

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Oooh eeh ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang! BIP episode 2A!

Last time on Bachelor in Paradise...

Carly and Kirk are together. Jade and Tanner are together. Tenley and JJ are together? Ashley I is in love with Jared, Lauren's like "whatever", Clare thinks Jared's cute but Mikey wants her. Ashley S and Dan are together and super cute. Jonathan and Juelia are hanging out. And Chris Harrison continues to read his own book.


Everyone is celebrating after the rose ceremony. Tenley makes the usual post-rose ceremony speech.


Lauren (Ashley I's sister) is still not having a good time. She's just waiting for Joshua from Kaitlyn's season to show up. But he hasn't yet, so she's just throwing a tantrum until he gets here. Because that's how 24 year olds act these days. I WANT IT NOW. "This is actually hell, not paradise. I'm around PEOPLE 24/7! I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!" She threatens to leave. And cries. This is SO unexpected, Lauren NEVER cries!

Carly is worried about bugs. And crabs. Crabs that might be able to fly. CRAB PARTY! They're dancing! (The crabs, not the people. Who cares about the people?)

Dan asks Ashley S if she would pee on him if a jellyfish stung him. She says she'd pee in a cup. TRUE LOVE YOU GUYS. TRUE LOVE.

JJ and Tenley seem to have something going on, and JJ asks the question that we're all wondering: "Why the hell does she like me?"

Mikey shows up and tells Clare that he washed his hair for her. But he still has his little baby ponytail! And he keeps flirting and complimenting her, and she's just like "dude. Come on."

Lauren tells everyone that she has someone that she's super into, and she's SO in love with him that she can't do anything. SO WHY DID SHE LET ASHLEY CONVINCE HER TO COME TO PARADISE. Oh wait. Hold on a second. She's a mistress. But he's not married? So? What? She's dating someone who has a girlfriend. So her new name is "Lauren the Mistress." Good job.

Dan says "It's always the crazy ones." Ashley S responds "I would know!" We all laugh.

And now Lauren is freaking out because she's worried that her non-boyfriend is going to be mad at her because she left. Ashley tells her she needs to think about this logically. WHAT. Let me repeat that: ASHLEY tells LAUREN that she needs to think about this LOGICALLY. My mind is blown. Lauren then blows her nose for like 10 minutes and we're all questioning our life choices. (No? Just me?) Ashley tells Lauren to wait for Joshua to arrive and then she can go home if things don't work out with him.

Joshua from Kaitlyn's season arrives! Hurray! Maybe Lauren will stay! Tenley is instantly smitten. Juelia says he's a welder, so there may be sparks flying in the near future. Look at her and her puns! High five. JJ brings up that they don't like each other and that he thinks Joshua is a little rat. Cool. Tension.

Joshua arrives with a date card. It says "choose one woman to join you for a night out on the town." Ashley I immediately asks if she can steal him (BACHELOR TRADITION, guys!) and everyone's like "ughhhhhh Ashley." Ashley tells him that he should ask out her sister, and Joshua is like "I have a few people to talk to first but we'll see." Ashley I pats herself on the back and says "I think I did a good job of selling my sister to Joshua." HUMAN TRAFFICKING IS HAPPENING. Good times.

Ashley says "Lauren is like the chillest girlfriend you could ever have - I mean, obviously, she let's a guy have another girlfriend!" Hardee har har remember because she's a mistress?

Juelia and Lauren are talking to Joshua and at the end of the conversation Joshua asks what Lauren's name is. Soooo basically they're in love and totally getting married. Oh wait, no, it means that Lauren is probably leaving. BYE! Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! But first we have to see who gets the date card.

Tenley asks if Joshua wants to see the ocean aaaand that was the best. Because it's like...right there. Right next to them. But yes, go walk to see it! Get him away from Lauren!

JJ is not worried about Joshua asking Tenley...and then...Joshua asks if Tenley will go on the date with him and she says yes! They go back to the pool and announce that Tenley is going with her. Lauren says "What a fun day" and then goes to pack her stuff. "I don't know why the world is so awful to me."

Ashley cries because Lauren is leaving. Big fight. Lauren leaves. ADIOS. K Bye! Go have fun being a mistress! And then five minutes of Lauren dragging her suitcase across the sand and up the stairs and across the sand again, and Ashley I crying. Womp womp. Also no one cares that Lauren is leaving. NO ONE. "Who's Lauren?"

Tanner asks Tenley what she sees in Josh, right in front of JJ. When Tenley protests, Tanner says that JJ is very adult about it and it's fine to talk about the positive things she sees in Josh. Uh, Tanner, have you met JJ? He is not an adult about anything, so basically this is going to go real well for him.  JJ says "Tenley's like a Disney princess - and I've never seen a Disney movie end with the blacksmith getting the girl." OUCH. BURN.

Tenley and Joshua leave for their date!

Jonathan says "The more guys that come, the more guys that are going to go home." You guys, I think he's figured out how this show works!

UH OH SOMEONE IS COMING DOWN THE STAIRS. It's Joe! From Kaitlyn's season. Everyone is singing his praises right from the get go, saying how he's hilarious and the life of the party. He comes with a date card! Aaaaand he's having a little trouble reading it.

Now everyone is sitting in silence. But Joe is hilarious! What happened? I don't understand. Why is it so awkward and quiet. Carly says "This is awkward." Joe responds with "Yes." Yeah, this is super awkward. Joe, you suck. Then he asks Clare if this is her second time in paradise, and after she says yes, he says "That's terrible." WHAT A DICK.

Clare goes off to cry and now she's talking to her raccoon! AW! Hi buddy! The raccoon tries to open a bottle of wine, which is something we all want to do. Poor Clare. AND POOR RACCOON. Raccoon drops the bottle of wine and runs away.

No one feels a connection with Joe. Except for Juelia who really wants to ride horses. He asks if anyone wants to go horseback riding, and Juelia says she does. So he says "ok great." And no one knows if he asked her or if she invited herself or what the deal is. Joe makes no sense and gives me an icky feeling. Like watching him makes me need to take multiple scalding hot showers to get rid of his gross cooties. Juelia's like "I think he asked me?" And then Joe makes a gross joke about how she's actually riding him and ew I need to take ten more showers.

Joshua and Tenley's date! They go dancing and drinking and...blah blah blah. Joshua was a theatre major! YEAH MAN! Aw this is cute, they're actually showing them talking and getting to know each other and not just like super deep conversation right off the bat. Tenley says "he's big. I like really big guys." And then laughs embarrassedly. Now they're comparing hands and she's like super excited. FANTASY SUITE! Oh, not yet.

JJ talking more shit about Joshua. JOSHUA AND TENLEY ARE MAKING OUT. JJ says when Tenley gets back he's going to take her on a REAL date. (What? You don't have a date card.) Uh oh. JJ takes Tenley and now they go make out. Then JJ goes to bed, and now Tenley and JOSHUA are making out. GET SOME.

A crab gets swept away into the ocean!

Juelia and Joe are leaving for their date! Jonathan is bummed.

Everyone is hanging out, and all of a sudden, Joshua starts talking about drugs, and telling everyone how he's done molly. Everyone is super uncomfortable with it. Dan and Mikey take it upon themselves to tell Tenley about the things Joshua is saying in regards to drugs. Big brothers! So sweet. Now Tenley is going to talk to him and see what's up. RED FLAGS! Poor Tenley. She just wants to find loooove. She doesn't have time to waste on a bad guy, but sh'e got all the time to wait for the right one. Preach!


Joe and Juelia go on their date. Riding horses! (No body doubles, for those of you that watch UnReal)

Jonathan is bummed that Juelia is going on the date with Joe. JJ is wearing a bathing suit that is way too short. Jonathan says hopefully Joe breaks his leg and has to go home. THAT WOULD BE A DAMN SHAME.

More of Joe and Juelia's date. They kiss. Ew.

Tenley pulls Joshua aside to talk about the whole drug thing. He says that it's not a thing that he does often, it was just a one time thing. She's not sure if Joshua is telling the truth or not. JJ says he wants to hang out with Tenley but she's taking a mind break. That's what you do in Paradise.

Joe and Juelia get back from their date, and Juelia is gushing about how much fun it was, and Joe looks very apathetic, and like "yeah. It was fine. Eh. Who cares." Dan does a spot on impression of Joe's reaction and it was great.

They're speculating over who's going home, and they think Mikey is going home. So Dan goes to tell Mikey that Clare isn't in to him anymore. And Mikey is just realllllly slow on the uptake. Clare told him from day one that she wasn't super interested in him. And now Dan is telling him that the girls say she's not interested in him. "Who said that?" "Both of them said that?" "Is that really the case though?" "Are you sure?" "Am I on candid camera?" (I made that last one up.) "How do you know?" But really Mikey doesn't get that his relationship with Clare is a FRIENDSHIP and not a relashee like he hopes. Mikey pulls Tenley away to ask him about it and they watch the sunset. Tenley's like "I wish I was watching this really romantic sunset with NOT you..."

Ashley I pees in the ocean. Because she's six.

Juelia talks to Jonathan about how maybe they don't have all the romantic chemistry that he thought. Juelia really likes Joe. And JOE IS A DICK. He literally tells the producer that Juelia is not very smart, and that the whole reason he's here is for someone who isn't here yet. Juelia is super smitten, and Joe's like "the kiss wasn't good. I just wanted the rose." He's manipulating one of the sweetest girls on the show! Ugh. What a dickbag. And then he farts. UGH. I WANT TO PUSH HIM INTO TRAFFIC. Too bad there's no traffic in Paradise.

Date card arrives for Jared! Ashley thinks he's going to pick her and not Clare because Clare is 34 and her "eggs are almost dead." Yep, that's how reproduction works. 34 and you're basically out of time! Good luck! Aaaaaand without any hesitation Jared picks Clare! Two hearts are broken! Mikey and Ashley I. Sorry guys. Everybody runs to their own rooms to cry and punch things. But at least Ashley's like "We haven't even kissed, so we have nothing, but still." Good on her remembering what the reality is. Ashley and Mikey are upset that their feelings weren't even considered, but it's like...guys. This is paradise. This is how things happen here. Get with the program.

Mikey and Jared have a chat about how Jared wants to date a woman who is eight years older than him. WHY IS EVERYONE SO HUNG UP ON THIS? You only have the option of dating the people that are in Paradise. And if everyone is coupled up and you want to see what kind of connection you have with the people remaining, who cares if she's older?! I mean, look at Demi and Ashton. Mikey is definitely feeling like a typical male and banging his chest. "CLARE IS MINE. OOOH OOH OOH OOH." Then Clare approaches him and he tells her to go away, that he's pissed. AND THEN CLARE POKES THE BEAR. Come on, girl. He warned you that he wasn't in a good mood and that YOU were the reason why. I know you want to like, talk this out or whatever, but HE WARNED YOU. But also Mikey thinks that Clare hasn't been upfront and honest with him, and that's Mikey and Clare yell at each other and now...

JJ thinks that Jared is taking the title of Villain away from him. VILLAIN'S GOTTA VIL, MAN. AGAIN!

Mikey is talking about leaving. Ashley I is crying. Clare is crying. Everyone is crying. Except for Kirk and Clare because they are SO CUTE.


Monday, August 10, 2015

It's the Start of Something NEW

So let's talk about real life for a second, guys. (Yes, the title is a High School Musical reference.)

This year has been nuts. My mom was diagnosed with Leukemia in January. My grandfather passed away in April. In the past few months, I have completely turned my life upside down. I quit my job, I broke up with my boyfriend, and I politely asked my roommate to get the fuck out of my apartment.

Is it that I'm getting close to 30? Is that why I'm making all these changes? Is it the alignment of the planets? Is it just because I'm growing up and I'm realizing that life is too short for the small things that make up the big picture to cause so much unhappiness? Who knows. The fact is, it happened, it's happening, life is life.

So! I joined some dating apps. Tinder, of course. 


Coffee Meets Bagel. 




I tried to sign up for an app called "Align" which introduces you to people that you astrologically match with, but it wouldn't open on my phone. A SIGN FROM THE GODS.

So here I am, just trying to meet some folks, and figure out what I'm doing, where my place is on this planet, and really, what the point is of all this. 

I decided to continue to document my experiences and just sort of keep track of everything. Because I am in the generation of NO SECRETS. Let me just THROW my life in your face so you know what's going on! Why not, right? Stick around, who knows what might happen!

Friday, August 7, 2015

LET'S RUFFLE SOME FEATHERS! Bachelor in Paradise episode 1B!


We start with an amazingly cheesy 80's opening credit sequence. I love it. CHRIS HARRISON IS READING HIS OWN BOOK. So good.

Back to reality...there's lightning! And crabs! And now...Clare has arrived! Tenley is excited to see her, which is adorbs.

Clare comes down with a date card, and she has to pick a guy to go with her on her first date. But she asks the girls who is already paired off, which is nice of her. She thinks that maybe she'll ask Dan, but then we find out that Dan went with Ashley S to the emergency room!

Ashley S: Oh my gosh, it's like my birthday! French fries.

Clare is bummed because everyone is paired up, so she tells Mikey that she has no options. SHE TELLS MIKEY. So she's stuck with Mikey and JJ. Clare decides that her best course of action is to tell a crab what's going on. I wonder if the raccoon and the crab are friends? Maybe they'll go talk to each other later. Clare is sad and doesn't know why the guys don't want to go on a date with her, but also...she hasn't asked anyone yet? So...there's that. Good job. The crab runs away in fear.

Clare feels like she's creeping on people's convos and relashee's. (Conversations and relationships. COOL ABBREVS, CLARE.) The crab hides again.

Mikey asks Clare if she wants to go for a walk and Clare is like totes. Even though she's not into him. He tells her he wants to go out with her and she's like...yeah.....ok, fine. They head out and walk into a man and woman with their crotches touching. Partner yoga! Sexy. Mikey looks terrified, and Clare looks like WHY. Tantric yoga on a first date! "I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO RUB PRIVIES WITH MIKEY ON OUR FIRST DATE!" Circus music, so obviously this isn't going to last. SEXY! Mikey makes a bunch of awkward sexual jokes and now even I'm uncomfortable.

Clare tells Mikey that she's really open to meeting everyone and so she doesn't want it to be more than it is. Mikey responds with "let's make out" because he wasn't listening. Clare turns him down and says she wants to meet everyone else first, and Mikey comes to his interview and tells us that their feelings are mutual and they're totally in love. So Mikey and Ashley I are the same, basically...they have conversations with the people they're interested in and hear things that don't happen! Real life, guys.

Everyone is in the water doing gymnastics. They're so talented! Tenley comes to the pool all dressed, and everyone is like "what are you doing? Why are you dressed? Aren't we in Paradise? What's happening here?" Ashley S gets a date card and she takes Dan! No hesitation at all, she just picks him. They're cute and weird together!

Moving on. Tenley is bummed because she hasn't connected with anyone else. Mikey has a man bun going on or something, but his hair isn't long enough to do anything. So it looks like a baby's ponytail.

Tenley and Jared go for a walk, and Ashley I is freaking out because IF THEY'RE IN LOVE WHY IS HE GOING WITH HER. More tears. Ashley I also hates old ladies. And so to fix how she's feeling she's going to take some shots. SHOTS! Lemon drops galore! Lauren says "If I have to help you throw up later..." Yeah. That'll most definitely happen.

Ashley I asks Tenley if she can steal Jared because she misses being on the bachelor and they always steal people. EVERYONE WANTS JARED (not really) SO ASHLEY HAS TO SOLIDIFY HER CLAIM. And Tenley is just like, sure. She doesn't want to work for it, which she shouldn't have to. Just let it happen, lady!

Ashley and Jared talk and he tells her that they had a great time and now it's like, you never know what's going to happen. "So, you're cool and all, but like, chill. Who knows. I could fall in love with anyone and it probably won't be you." Lauren says "so you're not getting a rose and we get to go home?" She totes does not want to be there anymore. "Let's go home and then die alone." Then they look at her boobs.

First cocktail party and then Rose Ceremony! Just a reminder, guys get to give the roses out to the ladies tonight.

JJ wants the girls to bestow gifts upon them at his feet because he feels like a god. That's definitely an attractive quality, JJ, just keep doin' what you're doin'.

Chris Harrison tells everyone that a lot can change in Paradise and you never know what's going to happen and who will show up! Which seems ominous for right before a rose ceremony but, this is

Jillian takes JJ's hand and they go off to chat. She turns into a dude and tells him that if she had gotten the date card she would've picked him, and he eats it up. Then Tenley comes over to JJ and puts her legs on him like they're just hanging out, and gives him permission to kiss her if he wants to. WHAT. Tenley, I thought you didn't want to work for it? This is the definition of working - you're THROWING yourself at him. I get it, if you don't get the rose you go home, but like...come on. Don't lower yourself down so low that you forget how much you're worth.

And now Ashley I is going crazy because Clare is talking to Jared. And she can hear their whole conversation, where Jared says "If you don't have a rose when it's my turn to give out roses, then I'm going to give you my rose" because he wants to get it on with her. Poor Ashley. Even crazy people don't deserve to hear sad conversations like that. Clare and Jared are totally going to bone after this. Ashley I realizes that maybe this isn't the best show for her to be on because she's very focused. Womp womp. Good try!


Definite couples going in to the rose ceremony:

Carly and Kirk
Jade and Tanner
Juelia and Jonathon
Ashley S and Dan

Ashley I (and Lauren)

Rose ceremony time!

Tanner picks...Jade!
Kirk picks...Carly!
Dan picks...Ashley S!
Jonathon picks...Juelia!
Mikey picks...Clare! (Clare is worried that he still doesn't get it that she's not interested, but she's happy to have a rose anyway.)
Jared picks...Ashley I (and Lauren "oh hey")
JJ picks...stressful music! WHO WILL HE PICK!!!!!!! He picks...Tenley! EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD JILLIAN SHE HAD HIS ROSE. All because Tenley let him kiss her. Sexy time.


Tune in next week for more ridiculousness!

THE BEST SHOW OF THE SUMMER IS BACK! Bachelor in Paradise Episode 1A!

I just couldn't stay away from the amazing-ness that is Bachelor in Paradise. I hope you kids will come along for the ride again this season!

Each week is THREE HOURS of nonstop hilarity, plus an hour of talkback after the Monday episode. WHAT. No. I'm only blogging the three hours, if you want to watch the talkback you can do it on your own time because it's only an hour, versus the 8 billion I'll spend per episode. You are SO welcome! I'm going to break up the Sunday and Monday episodes because otherwise whoa. Too many words to read in one sitting.

And without further ado, here we go!!

We start off with the ever lovable Chris Harrison telling us all about how amazing Paradise is. Living in Paradise has one simple rule - find love OR GO THE EFF HOME. Aw, Paulie brings Chris a big ass drink. Because you definitely need one here in Paradise. Otherwise, who knows what you'll have to really deal with.

AND NOW, the cast of Bachelor in Paradise! 

Starting with Ashley I, from Chris's season. She cries once to three times day. How adult. (I only cry half a time a day, so...stop judging). And here we meet Ashley's sister, who is apparently the "slut" version of Ashley, and three years younger. Isn't that the way of the world these days? Yes, yes it is. Oh my gosh you guys, look how cute they are! They're out on chairs tanning and they turn over at the same time!! TWINSIES. And now Ashley packs Lauren in her suitcase. (FORESHADOWING)

Jared! The guy who really needs to figure out what's up with his beard. But he's a total gentleman and that's freaking awesome. He was on Kaitlyn's season and they were totes in love. But maybe not.

Ashley S! Also from Chris's season. She loves onions and pomegranates. And her dad told her to try boys on like shoes. What? Sexxxxxy time. Good advice to give pre-Paradise.

Tanner! From Kaitlyn's season. He is only MILDLY bitter (and by mildly I mean like he is 100% bitter) and thinks he's hilarious but really isn't. He's here for Jade and Samantha. And is asking for advice from geese. Cool. They don't have any to give. Super weird considering how talkative they are.

Jade! From Chris's season. She modeled for Playboy so now everyone obviously loves her. She's also pretty awesome. I want to be friends with her, so there's that. But here's an actual quote "I don't know, maybe in three weeks I will be engaged." Well, this is bachelor-ville, so anything is possible! Literally anything. Like, you could fall in love in three weeks and be engaged! Can't think of a better example than that.

Jillian! From Chris's season. Her claim to fame is that she's super into cross fit and her butt needs to be censored. Black box covering her butt forever. BUT NOW! She's got breast implants! She's putting herself out there. With her breastesses. "I'm so excited to meet the guys and show off the girls."

Dan! From Desiree's season. He's the "whole package" because he's a "business owner" and a "libra." Yep, that's how I define whole package. 

Juelia! From Chris's season. Her daughter doesn't like any of the potential dudes she's going to meet. So that's unfortunate. The baby likes Kirk! We'll see how much water that holds when they get there.

Tenley! From Jake's season and Bachelor Pad, runner up both times. (I didn't watch either of those.)  Her boyfriend of five years decided to have a baby with another girl right after they broke up. So THAT sucks. I feel for you girl. (Not because I've been in that situation, but still. That super sucks.) But she can do half cartwheels! So that'll get her a dude.

And I guess that's it for now? Chris says "LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN!"

Everyone arrives in Paradise. Jade's first. She's hoping that she can stay away from the drama and find a real connection. GOOD LUCK.

Jared. Chris IMMEDIATELY brings up Kaitlyn. "Are you over her? Are you still heartbroken? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN REALLY FIND LOVE?!???!!!!!" Jared takes it well, "uh yeah, dude, I'm open to it. Let me go downstairs and talk to the ladeeeeez." And then "Best case scenario is that I would find somebody that makes me forget about Kaitlyn." You know it Jaaaaared. Best way to get over somebody is to get under someone else! Or as they like to do on the show, go in the ocean. Same thing. Aw, he and Jade are already holding hands! So cayute.

Tenley arrives! Wearing heels. She hasn't been on a bachelor show in five years aaaaand she hopes people remember who she is.

Carly's here! From Chris's season. I freaking love her. She is totally sassy and says exactly the kind of things I think and sometimes put on this blog. I want to be friends with her too. Jared's hoping that it's just the four of them.

Carly: I did not sign up to be on the bachelor again!

Jonathan! From Kaitlyn's season, even though he originally picked Britt. He comments on Tenley, Carly, and Jade's teeth and how white they are and seriously how can I get my teeth that white? I'm super jelly.

Tanner! Carly thinks he's hot. He wants Jade. Tenley comments on how after today no one will be wearing clothes. PARADISE!

Mikey T. He immediately brings up how manly he is, which, everything about him is muscles. MUSCLES FOR DAYS. Aaaand he offers to get the guys ripped like him which they are all SUPER stoked about. (Not.) No one is into him. Sorry Mikey. 

Ashley I arrives. And she brought HER SISTER! TWO FOR ONE, GUYS! WHAT. Ashley I is a "self-proclaimed virgin" and Lauren is "Iacon-naughty" get it guys because it's a play on their last name! Oh, Ashley, become a stand up comedian and stop looking for love. You'll do great. Lauren is wearing heels, because no one warned her that she's going to be on a beach or walking down stairs made of sand. Ashley says  that guys usually gravitate more towards Lauren than her?! SO WHY DID YOU BRING HER HERE?! WHAT. No brains.

AND THE FIRST SHOT OF AN ANIMAL HAS SURFACED! I think it's a lizard or something. Everyone is shocked.

Jonathan doesn't care if it's fair that Ashley brought her sister because he totes wants a threesome. Also he's got the crazy eyes. The new AshLee?

Mikey thinks Lauren is super hot and so he takes off his shirt. Because he's really sweaty. And now they're going in the ocean!

Juelia arrives! "You can just go in the ocean?" Yes. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT HERE. THERE ARE NO RULES.

Jared says that Mikey "took the bulls by the horn." No, that is not a typo. I have nothing else to say about that. Bu also it looks like Mikey is grabbing Lauren's boobs already. PARADISE!

Kirk arrives! From Ali's season. And wearing plaid! He says this an adult summer camp. Yes. Carly thinks he's freaking cute.

Lauren and Ashley I have a conversation. They both think Jared is cute and Ashley is like "BUT YOU'LL GIVE HIM TO ME RIGHT?!???!!!!" Ashley, why did you bring Lauren if she's not allowed to hit on anyone? Oh right, because you make out with them and she...finishes them. 

Dan shows up! Ashley thinks he's cute but Lauren shuts that down right away. Same with Kirk. "Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong." MEAN GIRLS IN REAL LIFE.

Jillian is here and she is just in a bathing suit. QUOTE: WHERE ARE THE REST OF YOUR CLOTHES, JILLIAN?! Awesome. Jonathan wants to take a bite out of box. Hey-o!

The ocean crashes! CRABS!

Jade says "hopefully there are no douchebags" AND THEN JJ ARRIVES. This show has the best editing. Villains gotta vil, yo. 

And finally Ashley S arrives! "Did you guys grow these plants just for me?" YES.
Chris Harrison says "you are the last person to arrive." Ashley says "you mean today?" NOPE. FOREVER. And now she's not paying attention because there are birds in a cage. "Are they parakeets? They're parrots!" Chris says she's the first person to notice the parrots. Ashley says "Maybe because I have some." Chris says "Really?" Ashley says "Well, no." She's amazing.


Very astute observation by Tanner: It's not IF crazy [bleep] is going to happen, it's when.

Guys are giving out the roses this week! And Ashley I and her sister Lauren count as ONE ROSE. Sooooo that's...a thing.

And now they all head down to the beach for something special.... OH MY GOSH LACY AND MARCUS FROM LAST SEASON ARE GETTING MARRRRRRIEEEEEDDDDDD. Totes adorbs, you guys. I hope Lacy's math has improved, but I'm about 80/40 that it hasn't. And Marcus thinks that one, or two, or maybe even three couples could happen. Those are some impressive odds to live up to! But I guess considering there were only really 2 couples that came out of last season, and one of them already broke up, I guess that's fair. Juelia catches the bouquet. Chris Harrison hopes that a year from now he's celebrating one of their love stories. Only one. SO AGAIN, WELCOME TO PARADISE.

And now the drinks are flowing. They're in Mexico, guys! Everyone is swarming around Jade, because, you know, she was naked. Jillian flashes everybody to try and get the same attention, and it doesn't work. 

Aaaaand Lauren is crying. OUR FIRST TEARS OF THE SEASON, GUYS. Why is she crying? Because she thinks everyone is OLD. (Well, I mean, there are a lot of people who are 32. That's ancient.) And she hates people. (I know that feel bro.) THIS IS A CATASTROPHE.

Ashley leaves Lauren to enjoy her alone time, and goes to put her claws in Jared. Oh look! Jonathan and Juelia are pairing off already! CUTIES. Ashley thinks that Jared is prettttttty perfect. So then she sits next to him and says NOTHING. That's good flirting, girl. I wish I had skillz like you! Oh! And now THE SECOND TEARS OF THE SEASON! Ashley I. Those sisters sure know how to use their tears. 

Carly and Kirk hit it off because of her small hands. The first kiss of Paradise! So cute. Carly just goes for it. GO GIRL! Jade says that Carly is her spirit animal. I totally agree.

Ashley brings up her princess ways. She's wearing her Jasmine bathing suit. OH NO. JARED AND JADE ARE GOING TO THE OCEAN. Ashley thinks that Jared and she had a good (one sentence long) conversation and they're going to take their relationship slow. Uh...Jared wasn't part of that conversation. And now Ashley's crying again. "I don't understand, I had so much fun on the Bachelor!" And now she's cry laughing. What? What is even happening.

DAY 2!

Mikey says it's hard for testosterone driven men not to jump on something they feel right away. Dan laughs at him. Uh, hey bud, that's called rape? "Nature, I guess, you know?"

Ashley is icing her face because she was crying all night. Good job.

Jillian comes running in (wearing a bikini, obviously) with a date card! Ashley I gets it! NO WAY! She has to choose a man to get dirty with for her date. JARED LOOKS SO SAD. JJ wants the date just to go on a date. Romantic! Dan asks Jared if he would go if he was asked and he was like "I don't know, I mean, it could be anyone" while screaming with his eyes "PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE GO ON THIS DATE." Lauren gives Ashley a pep talk about how to ask him. "Hey Jared, would you love to go on this date with me?" And now Ashley is crying again. "THIS IS STUPID, WHY AM I CRYING AGAIN?" We're all wondering that, Ash.

Ashley asks Jared to go on the date! He says yes! Good job. What a gentleman. She thinks he looks like Aladdin? I think she needs to get her eyes checked. "If Jared is my Aladdin, he can rub the [bleep] out of my lamp!" I HAVE NO COMMENT BECAUSE THIS WRITES ITSELF.

They go off roading. I'm bored.

Everyone is SO SUNBURNT. YOU GUYS. You're going to be in the SUN. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Lather on that SPF!

Jared is a scorpio! ME TOO! Now I'm in love with him! Oh wait. No...that's not how it works. 

Ashley S is now making out with a parrot. Oh yeah, remember how she's crazy? It's showing. 

JJ shows up with a date card! Jade gets it! "Choose a MAN to take on your first date in paradise." Weird emphasis, but ok. Ashley and Jared are back! Maybe Jade will ask Jared since he came back just in time! Jillian tells Ashley that Jade got the date card. "And it says to take a MAN." Are they prompting them to do this? Is Jade maybe not straight and that's why they're telling her she has to take a man? I don't get it. Ashley is delusional and just told us that everyone thinks he's been the happiest he's been since getting here. Since yesterday? Yeah, ok Ash, whatever you say. And then Ashley says that Jade MOST CERTAINLY MAY BE into Jared. AND JADE ASKSSSSSSSSSSSS....TANNER. Good job Jade, that's nice of you.


Jade and Tanner's date. They talk about Playboy. I'm bored.

OH NO! ASHLEY S IS BEING TAKEN AWAY TO THE HOSPITAL! More on that later, I guess? But Dan goes with her! What a sweetie.

Jade kisses Tanner! Taking a page out of Carly's book, nice! Sexy time. And now they go in the river! That sunburn though. Ouch.

Jared and Ashley are talking about food? They're love is so deep, you guys. THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. WIND. HEELS ON THE STAIRS.
CLARE IS HERE!! RUH ROH. HURRICANE CLARE IS BLOWING IN TONIGHT. And Chris gives her a date card! She's here for (thunder!) TANNER, (thunder!) KIRK, and (thunder!) JARED. GAME ON!