I am so flippin' excited you guys...my favorite summer show is back! Seriously, whenever anyone asks me what my favorite show is near summertime, it's HANDS DOWN Bachelor in Paradise. I don't know if it's the cheesy theme song, the extra appearance of Chris Harrison, or just Jorge's magical existence that makes it my favorite, but whatever it is, my summer is greatly improved when this show returns.
We start the episode out with a thrilling sneak peak that we've seen at least four times already thanks to it being shown to us during The Bachelorette. SO MUCH DRAMA TO COME, GUYS!!
MAIN TITLE!! Where they show everyone who is going to be here during this episode. Hurray!
Chris Harrison gets a drink from Jorge! I love them and their cute relationship. Aw, he's mentioning Jade and Tanner. Who will find love this summer? Kick back, relax, grab a drink, and LET'S ALL FIND OUT TOGETHER!
Let's meet the people!
First up are the twins, from Ben's season. They've already decided that they're not going to date the same guy this season. We'll SEE!!!
Next is Nick, runner up during both Andi and Kaitlyn's seasons. Poor Nick, living in Silver Lake, not able to find a lady on his own. Oh look, he's doing crossfit. How original. He's interested in Jubilee!
Now we meet Jubilee, from Ben's season. She suffers from the same affliction as me, Resting Bitch Face. She's been working on it. We'll see if that shows during the show!
Evan! From JoJo's season. He's the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist and he's STILL NOT OVER THE FACT that Chad "ripped" his shirt. So they show him literally buying the same shirt. Come on, Evan. It was a sound effect. Yes, maybe he stretched it but that's not the same. And really, it was too tight on you anyway. Evan says he's excited to relax in Paradise with some beautiful girls, and hopefully not Chad. But guess who we meet next...
Chad! From JoJo's season. We're given a montage of him threatening people and eating, and then him walking his dog! And putting a lot of protein things in his suitcase. He's interested in Lace!
So of course now we meet Lace, from Ben's season. She says that it didn't go well because she drank too much and that she wasn't crazy. So of course, now that she's going to Paradise that's definitely going to change, right???
Daniel, the Canadian! He's Chad's best friend from JoJo's season. We're gifted him trying to say "Bachelorette" and failing, because he's Canadian. Actual quote: "You can't get rid of me, I'm like a disease that just won't go away, like herpes. I don't know if I want to be associated with herpes...it's treatable nowadays so it's not a big deal, right?" Can't wait for more gems like this from him.
Amanda! From Ben's season. She's a mom. She's also super into upspeak and glottal fry. It's great? I love upspeak?
Amanda is the first to arrive in Paradise. There are birds! "Falling in love here would be amazing."
Nick arrives! He's nervous. "All I can do is have an open mind and see where it goes, and see what happens."
Jubilee! Ben dumped Jubilee in Mexico, so she's hoping being in Mexico goes better this time.
They mention Chad being next and then play scary music!!
But it's Evan. Jubilee calls him "The Penis Guy" which is pretty accurate. She says she'll try to remember his name and not call him "The Penis Guy" but we'll see.
Vinny arrives! He's from JoJo's season. He's in "Puerto Vallarty" and he's "ready to party."
Carly is here! Last season she found love with Kirk and then he broke her heart. But she's back! Second chance at love! She's going to test drive some cars this time. Cars being dudes. Stick shift. Sex jokes.
Grant! From JoJo's season. He was a fireman. Is a fireman? Who knows.
And now Daniel arrives. Wearing jean shorts. Grant says hide your belly buttons because Daniel is here. Daniel is not impressed with the women that are here. Jubilee tells Amanda not to make eye contact with him.
Another mention of Chad, another shot of birds flying away and scary music playing.
Grant says he doesn't know about all these birds, something bad is going to happen. One of them dive-bombs into the water, scary music plays and...DUN DUN DUN...COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Pelicans! As pointed out by Vinny.
Sarah shows up! From Sean's season. She wants to do this because she saw love come out of her season and she went to Jade and Tanner's wedding. Chris says "I want you to walk back up these steps an engaged woman." Sarah says "Wouldn't that be amazing? That's like my dream." Here's hoping! We're not in the business of dream crushing...
Aaaaand Daniel tries to get Vinny to rank girls. Vinny thinks Sarah is beautiful!
The twins! Uh oh, Daniel has his eye on them.
And now it's...Izzy? No one knows who she is. I guess she was on Ben's season? Sarah says what we're all thinking...she looks exactly like all the other girls we've seen on this show.
Izzy and Daniel go to chat. It doesn't not go well at all. Yikes. Daniel. Stop. Izzy's face is just like "...please stop. Why did I decide to talk to you?"
Lace arrives! Grant says he's pretty good at reading people, and he can already tell that Lace is a mess. But I know from promos that Grant and Lace date so...SPOILER ALERT.
Nick puts sunblock on! Good job. One of the twins points out that everyone is getting naked, and Nick says "well, that's the idea." OCEAN SEX GUYS! First episode and it's already happening. Daniel and Vinny high five. The Twins run holding hands. PARADISE.
Jared is back in Paradise! From Kaitlyn's season and last season of Paradise. Jubilee has a crush on Jared but she's a little drunk. She's trying to play it cool and wait for him to come over to their group but... UH OH Sarah and Jared are going to chat! Oh snap.
OH NO. Camera shots of alcohol not moving, birds moving their heads...and then footsteps. WHO IS IT?! Glasses falling off tables, birds freaking out...HE'S COMING! Tiger noises...camera moving in through grass, birds squawking more...the ocean....COMMERCIAL BREAK!
More shots of animals being scared. Chad has arrived! A crab heading back into it's hole. Quick shots of a bunch of people's faces to pretend like they're afraid that Chad is here.
Izzy is into Chad. Sarah is trying to pretend like Chad is maybe an ok human and Carly is sad about her thinking that. Lace is instantly into Chad, too. Aw, Chad apologized to Evan about things that happened on JoJo's season! How adult.
And now Daniel and Chad are in loooooooove. Literally everyone can see it, including Carly and one of the twins. Chad thinks everyone is hot, which is the opposite of what Daniel thinks.
Chad and Lace take a shot of alcohol. That's not white wine, Lace. You said you could only do white wine!
Chris Harrison explains how Bachelor in Paradise works. Guys have the roses this week. The twins count as one person?! WHAT THE FU. Ugh.
Nick finds a date card! Jubilee's name is on it. She asks....Jared. Which Emily is not happy about, because she wants to get to know him. Jared says yes!
Sarah gives us the breakdown of what's happening in Paradise so far: Izzy and Vinny are hitting it off, and Lace and Grant seem to have something going. Lace asks Grant if he wants to take a shot with her, so they head up to the bar and she immediately starts in on him. "You don't ask questions about me, just so you know." So she leaves him...to chat up Chad. Daniel says that they're both the crazy ones, so maybe it's a match made in heaven. Or a match made in hell?! First kiss of Paradise is Chad and Lace!
Lace and Chad are alternating between fighting and making out. Daniel asks Chad if Lace is the love of his life, and then they go back to making out. Sexy. Nick compares them to rats because they make a lot of babies and then bite each others heads off? They're calling each other like dogs now. Seriously? What?
Ugh there's still half an hour of this show not including commercials.
Jared and Jubilee's date! They have a room full of pinatas that they get to hit! I'm really jealous, I love hitting things. Or wait, they're just sitting down. Do they not get to hit them? And now there's a creepy ass clown...Oh good. Now they're hitting the piñatas! Yay!
Izzy and Vinny are totes dating now. Sexy. Second kiss, Izzy and Vinny! Nice hair change, Vinny. That definitely helped.
Bachelor in Paradise literally has no idea which twin is which either. No wonder they're counting them as one person.
Aaaaand now Chad and Lace have broken up. And an awkward silence covers the island. Chad is talking a bunch of shit to everyone and calling Lace a bitch. Sarah is stepping up and telling Chad what she thinks of him, and he's just a drunk monster. He tells her to keep sucking a dick. Where is security?
First tears of Paradise go to Sarah because of how much a douche Chad is being. Ughhhhhh. And now Evan is following Chad trying to "talk" to him, but Chad looks like he's going to beat him up. Now Daniel is trying to talk some sense into Chad, as his only friend on the island, and Chad comes back with "you're being so un-murdery." Actual quote, folks. Chad says he just wants to make out, and Daniel says his chances of doing that are "slim to numb." Uh oh, now Chad is trying to fight Daniel. Daniel says he has no problem punching a friend if he has to.
CRAB! Chad falls down, drunk, and goes to sleep. Crab on his head! Aaaaand literally 30 seconds of Chad snoring.
More crabs! And Daniel, doing weird work out things.
Evan is wearing an extra necklace, and Chad has woken up naked.
Chris Harrison! He calls them up into...the Rose Palapa.
They're talking to Chad about how the things he said were awful - he told everyone on the staff of the hotel to suck a dick, called Sarah and Lace names, and was completely disrespectful of everyone. And how he has turned Paradise into Hell. Chris Harrison is kicking Chad out of Paradise!!!!! Chad doesn't understand that this is real. BYE CHAD. Or maybe not....
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK PARADISE!!!!