Last time on Bachelor in Paradise...
Michelle and Cody basically got married. Lacy and Marcus are still totes together. Sarah and Robert are cuties. Graham and AshLee are still together, even though everyone knows AshLee is crazy. Clare left. Zack and Jackie started hitting it off. Christy and Jesse are bangin' after having a weird threesome. I think that's about all you need to know.
This week in Paradise......!!!
Damn, Jackie has nice arms!
The show starts off right where we left off, basically, just after the rose ceremony. Sarah knows what's up with Jesse, that he's just here for the free booze and to hook up. DUH.
Cody told Michelle he loved her right before the rose ceremony. IT'S BEEN LIKE TWO SECONDS! HOW IS HE ALREADY IN LOVE WITH HER? I mean I guess when you know you know but, like, no.
Date card! Marcus. Ha, they aren't even giving him a choice anymore. It says "Marcus, choose a Lacy to go on your date with you." Smooooooth.
Lizard! Oh no. Marcus and Lacy are supposed to go down a hole. Scary. It's a cave! And the producer tries to teach Lacy about stalactites and stalagmites and it does not go well. She sees "stalaglites" as they get into the cave. Words are hard, people.
Lacy tells Marcus that she's falling in love with him and then they show us footage of parrots, monkeys, deer, lizards... WILD ANIMALS, YOU GUYS. THEY'RE GOING TO DO IT LIKE WILD ANIMALS. Or am I reading that wrong? (I don't think so.)
Michelle said she wanted to find love here, but now that she's getting it, she doesn't want it anymore. Poor Cody. Jesse is telling Michelle to cut it off, but I think that's because he wants to doooooo her.
Sarah and Robert are totally together now. She doesn't want anyone else to come so she can just spend a couple more weeks with just her and Robert. Cut to Brooks showing up! He was from Des' season, and she loooooved him. She ended up picking Chris because Brooks was like NOPE, I'm outta here! (But Des and Chris are still together so yay for them.) And Brooks has a date card! Sarah is bummed because she wanted Brooks to be here and now he is but she's got all this great stuff growing with Robert. SO BOO. And Brooks says that he's immediately attracted to Sarah and that's she someone he would date. But Robert does that manly ownership thing and says "YOU WILL NOT LOOK IN THIS DIRECTION" while wrapping his arms around Sarah. Poor Sarah. She wants him to ask her, buuuuut Robert literally just said "if you ask her out, I will kill you." Cool. That's not scary at all. So Brooks asks out...Jackie. Because he doesn't feel like dying. Even though he really wants to go with Sarah.
Brooks and Jackie's date. She's impressed that he can speak Spanish. They're actually super cute together. Weird. And now Zack is bummed because he wanted to hang out with Jackie. Ha, Brooks - "Is it this awkward every time someone comes back from a date?"
Robert leaves a note on Sarah's bed, and she thinks it's the cutest thing anyone has ever done for her. She's thinking that she wants to break up with Robert, because she likes Brooks, but maybe because of the note she won't? Aw, Brooks being there makes Sarah feel like Robert is the guy for her. So cute. She's falling in love with Robert! CUTE! Will they date in LA? Can I follow them? (I won't follow them. Except on Twitter.)
Cody and Michelle seesaw again. Cody loves Michelle, Michelle is nervous about stuff. I feel like he said this speech during Andi's season the night she broke up with him. Hmm. But Michelle is going to stick with him, she's just nervous about all of it because it's been a week.
I really want onion rings. (Sorry, just thought I'd put that in there.)
Uh oh. Michelle is telling Christy that Lucy did some censor-worthy stuff with Jesse. So now Christy is saying she hates Jesse and that he's misogynistic. Christy is also saying she wants to go home, but she's going to leave it in God's hands. MORE WILD ANIMALS! WHAT COULD IT MEAN?! Also angel-type music. Interesting...
Someone new is here! It's a dude! It's Tasos! From Andi's season. Oh no! Cody says that Tasos is a stand up guy and he's got nothing but good things to say about him, but then Tasos picks Michelle to talk to! Maybe she'll go on the date with him! OH NO CODY LOOK WHAT YOU DID WITH YOUR WORDS!
Hahaha they're all saying Cody is the incredible Hulk. Graham says that if Tasos asks Michelle, Cody is going to rip his leg off. This is great.
Aw, but then Michelle tells Tasos to ask Christy because he's a good guy and she deserves that. And Tasos says nice things about Cody too. So nice. Hahahaha Michelle - "If I were Christy, I'd be tossing the Sos out of Tasos." And just to prove that nothing happened with Michelle and Tasos, she goes straight to Cody to make out with his face and says "I'm gonna tear you up." Sexy.
And now Christy and Tasos are going on a date. So cayute. Oh my gosh, and he's actually being respectful, and nice. That's awesome. And Christy definitely deserves a guy like Tasos after being with a guy like Jesse. Jesse can just get outta here.
Brooks and Jackie are playing Horse, and Zack is just watching. Awkward. Date card! It's for Zack. Zack is obviously going to ask Jackie.
Graham is turning into one of my favorites. He was like "I'm alright" about not getting the date card, but "AshLee is going to cut someone." BECAUSE SHE'S CRAZY. CRAAAAAAAZY. AshLee looks bummed when Zack says that he has the date card. AshLee says "I just want to express my un-gratitude for that moment." Ha. Get over it. They know what's going on in their relationship, and there are people there who need to know what's going on by going on their own date! Wow, Michelle is super fake, too. Awkward. She's going to keep her eyes on AshLee like a hawk.
Zack and Jackie's date. I'm bored. (I think they went to the same place as Lacy and Marcus.) Jackie says that this is the best date she's been on so far, after the four dates that she's gotten to go on in Paradise. And Zack is saying that he felt a connection with Jackie before they met, just from looking at her pictures. That's a little sketchy, but sure, go with it. At least he's not stalking her on Instagram? Bonus points? Zack and Jackie kiss! Magical. RIP Brooks.
Cocktail party! Jesse is talking about how he's had a great experience and how he's totally going to KIT with everyone. 2 Cool 2 B 4 GOTTEN!
Chris Harrison! Ladies get to hand out the roses tonight.
Aw, Zack got Jackie a bracelet. It's the kind where you make a wish when you tie it on, and when it falls off your wish will come true. That's cute. And now Brooks is going to try and convince Jackie to let him stay. And Brooks says that they promised to paint each other's nails. So he brought nail polish and now they're painting each other's pinkies. That's cute too. Aw. JACKIE WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!
Jeez. Jesse just says "I'm not here to start a relationship with a dumb blonde." This whole time he's been a master manipulator, and now he's making Christy feel bad about not wanting the relationship to go any further. Christy has already told Tasos that he's going to get all her time for the rest of the time they're there. Yay. Jesse decides to leave on his own, instead of going through the rose ceremony. Good job, idiot.
FOR EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA, NOW IS YOUR TIME CHRISTY! YOU TELL HIM. Christy, Lacy, and Michelle go talk to Jesse about how he's been disrespecting women by telling all the guys everything. He's been busy fooling around on everyone. Poor Christy, getting manipulated here and being treated so badly by him. I called that from the start, although the interviews made him pretty transparent. But he was parading as a good guy in front of all the ladies so he could experience Paradise with his toolbox. Gross. Get outta here Jesse.
Definite couples going in:
Sarah and Robert
Lacy and Marcus
AshLee and Graham
Michelle and Cody
Christy and Tasos
Lacy picks...Marcus. (We're very much in love.)
AshLee picks...Graham. (I'm truly blessed and lucky to have you here.)
Sarah picks...Robert. (I feel this relationship evolving...can't wait to take it home to California.)
Michelle picks...Cody. (I would be an absolute fool to let Cody walk away.)
Christy picks...Tasos. (cuties.)
Jackie picks...............DRAMATIC BUILD!!!!!!! Zack! RIP Brooks.
Cheers to finding love in Paradise. Sarahdise. Michelleadise. Lacydise. AshLeedise. Christydise. Jackiedise.
That was the last rose ceremony! No more new arrivals, no more date cards...
You guys next week is the final week?! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!
Probably have too many other shows to watch to keep this up. Heh.
SO EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!