You guys. Before we get into the recap, I just want to say...there are two episodes this week. And each episode is 85 minutes long (without commercials). THAT IS A LONG FREAKING TIME TO WATCH THESE PEOPLE. So. I just wanted to let you guys know in case my recaps start going a little off the wall. Because you can't be sane to watch these shows. And also, that's why they're usually so long. Because there's just so much ridiculousness to comment on that I can't stop. So...you're welcome? And I'm sorry.
NOW ONTO THE SHOW!
Last week on Bachelor in Paradise...
Elise and Chris B left to make sparkly babies while she nurses his knee, but Chris B gave his rose to Michelle M so she could stick around and find the love she, uh, "deserves." Graham caught wind of AshLee's crazy, but they're still together. Clare and Zack are still doing it in the ocean. With sea turtles. Marcus and Lacy still go swimming in the hot tub together. Marquel gave his rose to Jackie, a redhead. Robert gave his rose to Sarah. I'm yawning through this recap of last week.
We start off tonight's episode right after the rose ceremony again. Michelle is getting hugs from all the guys because of Chris B giving her his rose. Howwwww sweet.
Date card shows up! Marquel offers to read it, because he wants to go on all the dates and hopes it's for him but it's for...Robert! Robert, who just gave a Sarah his rose. Michelle hopes he'll ask her buuuuut he chooses Sarah! Good job Robert. I'm proud of you. Aw, and now Michelle goes and cries in the bathroom! Michelle, why would he pick you now when he JUST gave his rose to Sarah? Like really? I know you want love but the rose ceremony just happened liiiiike six minutes ago. And now she's talking about how being a single mom is hard and a lot of responsibility and that's probably why all the guys are avoiding her. Yeah, I'd guess it's a combination of that and the fact that you've got a mild case of crazy. Just talk to a wild animal and it'll tooootally get out of your system.
Sarah is excited for her date with Robert. Michelle is doing Sarah's hair because she has somehow opened a hair salon in Paradise.
Robert and Sarah's date. OMGosh, "this is definitely turning into Sarahdise"!!!!!!! LADIES!!! STOP ADDING YOUR NAME TO PARADISE. Or maybe I'm just jealous because that won't work with my name. Moving on. They jump in the water from a boat. Cool. Mexicooooo.
Lacy and Marcus are building sandcastles! That is like, the cutest. Michelle is counting off who all the couples are because she's allllllll aloooooone (at a drive in mooooooooviiiiiiiiieeeeeeee - Grease the musical reference, sorry, I'm a nerd).
And now Cody shows up! He's from Andi's season too! These peeps gotsta stay relevant, yo. Cody has the biggest arms! Damn. And obviously he shows up with a date card...and picks Clare! She asks if they can go on a walk and talk about it, while they show images of Zack beating his chest and pointing to her saying "no, she's mine." Ok, I made that up, but I can feel that coming! (that's what she said). FORESHADOWING!!!!!!
Cody says that Clare was one of his favorites, and she quickly comes back with "I thought Andi was one of your favorites?" NICE ONE CLARE. And then they show a shot where the whole group is standing around in a circle with Clare next to Zack but she's still walking with Cody?! Come on editors, get it together. Clare says she started something with Zack, and Cody tries to convince her that she should go on a date. Persuasive. Clare is going to chat with Zack and then get back to Cody. Cody, you just got here, so points for you for being outgoing. But! Cody! I thought you were better than trying to steal someone else's girl away from them. Although I guess that's what this show is about? KEY PARTY! Just stay outta the ocean.
There is a lot of talk about eggs and baskets in this conversation between Clare and Zack. Clare doesn't want to put all of her eggs in one basket anymore because she's made the mistake of putting all her eggs in one basket before and she just doesn't want to do that anymore. And Zack says that since the second he's been here he's put all his eggs in Clare's basket and that's not how sex works, Zack. But also remember you've only been together for like 5 days so....chill out.
And now Cody is all up in Clare's business flirting with her. She's who he came here for, he wants to get to know her. "Stop, you're making me bluuuuuush!" She wants a guy who steps up, but she really wants Zack.
Question - do they have like pro bikini waxers in Paradise? All these ladies are walking around in their bikini's nonstop and that's just cuh-razy.
Now Cody is trying to figure out who he's going to take on his date because Clare said no. BUT CODY IS HEARTBROKEN THAT CLARE SAID NO. YOUR FIRST DATE (that didn't work out) AND YOU'RE ALREADY HEARTBROKEN?! COME ON. And here I thought we had seen it all already. Aw, Cody is giving Marcus the date card. That's so cute but also kind of sad. Aaaaand I doubt you need me to spell this out for you, but Marcus picks Lacy. You guys, I am so thrown by all the twists and turns this show has.
Marcus and Lacy's date. Booooooring. They haven't told each other that they love each other yet. YET. YETTTTTTTTT. Oh wait. He accidentally said he loved her for who she is and then changed it to say I like you. AWKWARD. Make out sesh.
Zack and Clare are going to talk and Zack wants to tell her again all about his eggs being in her basket. Reproduction. Zack wants to give it a shot just the two of them. But Clare hesitates before saying anything back! OH NO! Oh but good, they're back together. I was suuuuper worried. They're going to invest their time in each other. And buy some eggs. And put them all in a basket. Of love. In the ocean. For the sea turtles.
Aaaaand back to Michelle not having a connection with anyone. And now someone is coming! Oh snap! Who is it? It's a gentleman. It's a gentleman for the ladies. And Michelle is excited. And it's Kalon! Who is Kalon? Ohhhhh Michelle doesn't like him. I guess he said some bad stuff on Emily's season? He has a date card. Who will he pick?! He picks Michelle, literally two seconds after she says in her interview "I do not want to spend any of my time in Paradise with Kalon." Hmmmmmmmmmm. Storm's a-brewin!
Kalon: Michelle is a beautiful, beautiful woman. I just want to zipline into her [bleep] and just be like ahhhwwww. I would motorboat the shit outta that.
Well, this just got interesting. Slash gross.
Now Michelle changed her mind and turned him down minutes before they were supposed to leave on their date. Because he called Emily's child baggage. So now he has to find someone else to take! He asks Jackie! She says no. While he's sitting right next to Sarah. So then he leaves. Then Jackie leaves for a second! But now Kalon comes back! And asks Sarah. Sarah says no! You go ladies! So now he goes on his date...by himself! Looks like he won't be in Paradise for long...He's literally having a conversation with himself playing both parts. Great.
Oh Marquel - you ask what can possibly go wrong? So much. And now we see a sand crab. So...feelin' itchy? And now another dude shows up! It's Jesse. He was on Jillian's season and Bachelor Pad. And he has a date card! He asks Jackie! And she says yes! And Marquel...changes into a tank top. Ok.
Jesse and Jackie's date. He's using his words to lull her into a false sense of security that he is not strategizing, and she is totally falling for it! Come on Jackie! And now they're dancing in front of a band, just the two of them. Supes awk.
THIS JUST TURNED INTO A PORN! Everyone is getting massaged and they zoom in on the fire and they're playing sexy music. Sexxxxxxxyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Uh oh. AshLee is talkin' smack about Clare while in the hammock. She just told Zack about Clare's ocean escapades while she was in Vietnam with Juan Pablo! I can't believe AshLee just said that! It's because she didn't know about the cameras. But seriously, how can you be on this show and think that you're safe saying anything about anyone without the camera catching you? You're still wearing your mic pack! Aaaaand now AshLee feels bad about what she said, but she totes meant it. Bad news bears!
So AshLee tells Michelle and Lacy about what she said. Then Lacy told Clare what AshLee said! And now Clare is pissed! So Clare asks to talk to AshLee later, and AshLee knows that Clare knows! DRAMAAAAAA!!!
And now Clare is talking to Zack about it. And he doesn't understand that you're supposed to have your girlfriend's back. He wants to be with her, but he didn't stand up for her. Uh oh. Bad energy.
AshLee and Clare are going to conversate! Clare just told AshLee they are not friends. Damn. AshLee is trying to say that they were just talking in a general sense. But she straight up said to Zack that Clare [bleep] in the ocean. Soo....playback? (Now I'm wondering if Tierra really was crazy or if it was all AshLee? During Sean's season I mean. But he ended up with Catherine and she's awesome so who cares! Inside knowledge.) AshLee is trying to prove to Clare that they're friends and that she cares about her and didn't want to hurt her feelings or offend her and it's like wellll you shoulda thought of that before you starting talking to people. And now AshLee is trying to say that SHE's not upset with CLARE! UHHHHHHHHH WHAT UNIVERSE DO YOU LIVE IN ASHLEE?! HA! AshLee tries to hug it out and Clare says "I'm good." Nicely done.
And there is still so much time left in this show.
AshLee just called Clare a bitch when she was all on her own. Wow. WOW. Crazy eyes, good job.
Chris Harrison! Ladies are handing out the roses tonight.
AshLee and Graham
Clare and Zack
Lacy and Marcus
Sarah and Robert
Aw, now Cody is talking himself up to Michelle. And the more he spends time with her, the more he wants to get to know her. That's sweet. And now they're in looooooove! Aw, first kiss! Cayute.
AshLee hasn't told Graham what happened, so Michelle wants to tell him. Because they're friends. Michelle doesn't trust AshLee. Graham doesn't know what to do. Probably because he doesn't want to get murdered if/when he doesn't accept AshLee's rose.
AshLee picks...Graham....and Graham pulls a runner!
Michelle goes to check on Graham! WHAT'S GOING ON?!!?!???!!!!???
TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW NIGHT BUT OUCH MY BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIN HURTS.
There was a serious lack of wild animals in this episode and it makes me sad.