me: omg bachelor in paradise is hilaaaaaaaariou
me: seriously, best new show of the summer. there's no way this can be real. NO WAY
Jennifer: really? give me the low-down (if that's a thing.)
me: Ok, so first there's this one girl from Juan Pablo's season, Lacy - yes LACY, who goes in the ocean with TWO DIFFERENT GUYS
me: and everyone's like "she's here for paradise, what what"
me: That's the first day. Right after they meet. so then they haven't even been there for 24 hours yet and this one girl (AshLee - yes that's how you spell her name) has laid claim on this guy Graham. She basically says in her interview that the only reason she came on this show was so that she could maybe meet him because they were MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. WHAT. So then there's a date card that will come, and whoever gets the date card gets to choose who they want to accompany them on the date. So Clare (spelled without an i) gets the date card and she chooses Graham!!! SO then AshLee starts crying! And hiding in the bathroom! Because Clare picked Graham!
me: So then Clare starts venting (TO A RACCOON!!!! nice editing) about how Clare wasn't here for drama (uh, what, you're all drama) and how she didn't mean to upset AshLee and that she didn't even know that AshLee liked him
me: My favorite is this other girl Daniella who knows AshLee from when they were on Sean's season together, and she was like "yeah, i'm not even going to talk to Graham because I don't want to get murdered in my sleep"
me: So then Clare talks to Graham and tells him that she didn't know that he and AshLee had a thing already (WHAT) and so she's going to choose someone else to go on the date with her
me: She picks Robert, who is one of the guys who went in the ocean with Lacy on the first day
me: IT'S THE BEST
me: And now Clare and Robert are on a date at the ruins (they're in Mexico?) and all of a sudden he gets covered in ants while carrying this backpack (probably filled with ants on a time release thing because Bachelor in Paradise) and Clare is just like "take your shirt off, you're covered in ants!"
me: you sly dog, you, Clare
me: And that's where I'm at now
me: PICTURES OF ANTS EVERYWHERE
me: I think I'm going to use this conversation and liveblog the rest of the episode because it's too good
LET THE (delayed) LIVEBLOGGING BEGIN!
Of course I'm bored now.
Clare is like five minutes away from telling Robert she loves him because he's sitting next to her in a high place and she thinks she's going to die. Because she's "afraid of heights"...
And now they're in the ocean, because duh.
Lacy decides that since Robert is no longer a viable option for her, she's going to talk to Marcus, the other guy she went in the ocean with and who's not over Andi because HER SEASON ENDED FIVE SECONDS BEFORE THEY STARTED SHOOTING THIS.
Lacy and Robert start talking about each other's eyes because they don't have much else to talk about.
THE NEXT DATE CARD ARRIVES! What drama will ensue now?!
Sarah gets the next date card and thinks it's a joke. NEVER JOKE ABOUT THE DATE CARDS. THEY ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Her date is tonight. TONIGHT? Tonight. Oh my gosh.
She's so excited but nervous because she doesn't usually ask guys out on dates. Oh, did I mention Sarah only has one arm? That's probably why. Because she doesn't have a lot of confidence in herself. Sarah, you've got a bangin' body. Just do it, like Nike says.
Sarah picks Marcus. LACY WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?! Bummmmmer.
Sarah and Marcus are going on a date to a bathroom? Because they don't speak Spanish and it's like...Mexico. And now they're getting into their bathing suits because they figured it out kind of. They're going in a cave. In their bathing suits. SEXY. Sarah sees water. It's an oasis. And Sarah is scared to jump in. Because, duh. So then they jump into the water together. Because BACHELOR IN PARADISE. They jumped in holding hands. How romantic.
OMG SARAH WANTS TO KISS HIM BEFORE THEY JUMP IN! WILL HE LET HER?! Only time will tell. Oh, he does. Duh. Ok, we get it. Relationship!!!!!!!!!!
Lacy is worried about Robert and Clare. Tonight has been "really hard" for her because "both the guys" she's interested in got dates. And now she's crying. That's a tear count of 3 so far, for those of you keeping track at home.
Robert suggests walking on the beach because that's what you should do when a girl is crying in front of you. She asks if he kissed Clare on their date, and he says no. So now she feels better about him and thinks he's super interested in her. That's how the world works, man.
DRAMATIC MUSIC AND FEET. What's going to happen now?!
Another roommate shows up! And it's a girl! Now there are 8 girls and 6 guys, and two girls are going home this week. BUM BUM BUM!!!! (And Graham is the first person to hug the new girl. Soooo she's toast.) AND SHE HAS A DATE CARD ALREADY.
Uh oh. New girl is taking Graham into the other room...AshLee is going to kiiiiiiiilllllll her. Uh oh again. New girl (her name is Michelle, I guess?) just said that she and Graham love each other. Bad news bears for AshLee! Aw and then they did a cute little handshake thing. That's true love.
AshLee tries to talk to Graham and UH OH TROUBLE IN PARADISE. But everything is ok now. Everyone is just going to get murdered in their sleep. No big deal.
Aw, Michelle asks Marquel to go on the date with her! Crisis averted? To be determined...
I'm bored again. They're riding horses. And talking like normal people. And going in the ocean.
Lacy gets a date card! Who's she going to take? Robert? Marcus? AshLee? She's 80/40 in deciding. That's not how percentages work, Lacy.
She picks Robert! Clare thinks she's going home. Marcus is disappointed that Lacy picked Robert. "As of now, I'm thinking of giving my rose to Sarah." Ok Marcus, but just remember that once you give away your rose, you don't have it anymore. You'll have to give the next one a sweater. (Obscure Gilmore Girls joke, anyone?)
Boring date again. Interspersed with Dylan and Marcus talking about how Marcus should play hard to get.
WAIT. WHAT. Marcus is saying that he came on the show with a lot of walls built up, and Lacy broke them all down. It's been two days and they've had one, maaaaybe two conversations. And one of those was in the ocean. When they couldn't even hear each other. So basically, her taking most of her clothes off broke down your walls, Marcus? I thought you were better than that. And you weren't even the first one to go in the ocean with her, Robert was! COME ON MAN. Get it together.
Cocktail party slash rose ceremony time!
Going into the rose ceremony, the paired off couples are:
Elise and Dylan
Michelle M. and Marquel
Ashley and Graham
Lacy and Robert
Clare (who nicknamed it "Claradise".....I'll just leave that here)
Michelle K (didn't even remember her name)
Daniella (my fave)
ROSE CEREMONY SPOILERS BELOW:
(let's be real, this whole post is a spoiler)
Marquel gives his rose to........
Michelle K bows out! How romantic. Oh my gosh! She totally already has someone that she's with! She spoiled that at the beginning of th episode when Chris asked if everyone was single! And she said "maybe!" because it's paradise! OH SNAP! You played them.
Ok rose ceremony for real now.
Marquel gives his rose to.......Michelle! She accepts. Shocker.
Graham gives his rose to.......AshLee. She accepts. Never saw that coming.
Dylan gives his rose to....Elise. She accepts. (And also says she wants to tell him she loves him buuuuut it's been three-ish days.)
Marcus gives his rose to....LACY! She accepts. GAME CHANGER!
Robert gives his rose to....CLARE! She accepts! WHAT!
Ben gives his rose to...."this sucks"....Sarah. BUMMER. I wanted him to give it to Daniella.
THAT MEANS MORE DRAMA TO COME!
Daniella gets eliminated this week. So sad.
Another week in paradise...ends with a crazy lightning storm.
Until next time!