Last time on Bachelor in Paradise...
Lacy and Marcus are still canoodling. AshLee (is crazy) and Graham are still together. Clare started doing it with the ocean...and is with Zack (a newcomer to last episode). Michelle and Marquel are still hangin' out even though he thinks she drinks too much. And Sarah, in a CRAZY turn of events, picked Robert and sent Dylan home.
We start exactly where we left off last week, right after the rose ceremony. UGH MOVE ON ALREADY. We get it, Dylan didn't want to accept Elise's rose, Sarah didn't want to get involved, Elise gave a weird speech and chose Chris B instead. FIND A RIVER, BUILD A BRIDGE, AND GET OVER IT. And now they're talking about the weird speech. And AshLee called Elise crazy. Again? Really? Pot, meet kettle.
Michelle and Marquel are totes gonna get it on tonight. Marquel is calling her pretty and she's telling him there's nothing regular about her. And then there's her doing a voiceover saying "nothing can come between us." EXCEPT NOW THERE'S A NEW PERSON IN THE HOUSE! BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUM!
It's Danielle, from Juan Pablo's season! And surprise surprise, she has a date card! And she's going on a flight! Sexy. In trying to figure out a way to pick a guy to go with her (she just got here, she doesn't know anyone, etc etc) she asks for suggestions on how to choose who to go with. Someone (I have no idea who) suggests she spend time with each guy, but Michelle says "or don't." HANDS OFF HER MAN. Cut to Michelle's interview where she says she can take whoever she wants, just not Marquel. Cut back to the group, where Danielle says she might have had a feeling about who she wants to take, and Michelle tells her to go with that. AND SHE PICKS MARQUEL! You guys, this is writing itself.
And now Danielle says she came here for Marquel. Really? Did these people seriously know who was going to be on this show before they came on? I doubt that. Because every time they show an interview with the people for the Bachelor or the Bachelorette they're like "do you want to know who the bachelor/bachelorette is going to be?" But maybe since these people are all rejects they get to know? SCANDALOUS. (Not really.)
Michelle is going to cry about it. Because "it's happening again." Happening again? You weren't even with Ben. If that's what you're referring to. Or maybe the old seasons since this is your FOURTH TRY? Sad face for you, Michelle. Sad face.
Uh oh Michelle. You're over Marquel and into Robert now?! You should have thought about that before giving the rose to Marquel and not Robert. Everybody is so wishy washy! That must have been a requirement before being let on the show. "Do you like coffee or tea?" "Um, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I like coffee, sometimes I like tea." "You're in!" Ugh. Or maybe it's just that the guy you chose went with someone else and now you're going for a backup. Sigh.
And now Marquel and Danielle's date. Boring. On a plane. In the jungle.
Back to Michelle wanting Robert. And Robert being confused by her not giving him the rose. Clare, you're doing a great job of fake talking Michelle down from off that ledge.
Date card! Elise gets it. And now AshLee is jealous that she still hasn't gotten one. Oh snap, Clare is trash talking AshLee in the interview! AshLee thinks she's the queen bee, but Clare is not having any of it! AshLee, get outta here with that top dog nonsense. Lacy says AshLee should just enjoy her time in the house with Graham, because her relationship with Marcus is just amazing all the time, no matter where they are and they should be like that too. Awwwwww vomit.
Oh no! Chris got hurt! By walking! I know that feeling man. But he sprained his knee. Sad for Elise. Now they can't go on their date. Oh no! What is she going to do?! This is Paradise though, there's no way he's going to sit this one out. Let's be real.
Back to Danielle and Marquel's date where she tells him she has a crush on him. And now they're flirting. UGH COME ON BRING BACK THE DRAMA. Uh oh, the wind picked up. Oh my gosh, there was a lightning strike right next to them! Everybody get inside! Commercial break.
Aw, look at everyone frolicking on the beach. How Paradise-like! Oh my gosh! Elise and Chris are going on an overnight date! STOP THE PRESSES! Sexy time. But Marcus thinks Chris is a player. Or a play-uh. (I had to spell it like that so you wouldn't think I was spelling beach en Español. Right? I think that's right.) But Marcus doesn't like Chris all because he tried to crash his season with Andi. He really missed out there. (Not really. There's no way he would have gotten very far there.)
Date time with Elise and Chris. And his knee hurts. Boo hoo.
Again with the Michelle and the Robert thing. Ugh. Clare and Michelle come up with a plan to have a double date that will be "supes sexy with like five thousand candles" to show their guys that they are like so totally into them. Michelle is going to invite Robert and Clare is inviting Zack (because they've already done it like eight times in the ocean, although not this episode). Oh no! Sarah sees Clare and Michelle getting ready! Michelle is telling Sarah that she gets that Sarah wants to get to know Robert but that's sooooo not happening. I mean, she can, because that's the whole point of this place, but like, no. It's not going to happen. Poor Sarah! Always getting the short end of the stick, even though she gave Robert her rose! But Robert likes Sarah. So....I guess we'll see!!
More date of Elise and Chris. #blessed "You will be blessed for being so sweet to me." Ugh. Gross. Chris says he likes to talk but he's doing a lot more listening than talking, which is fine, but he's ready to get down and dirty. That means he wants to "DO IT" for our folks at home who don't know the lingo. And they get another date card while on the date? What? No. It's a sex card. Oh wait. But they get two keys. OR THEY CAN STAY TOGETHER IN A ROOM AND DO IT. I wonder which they'll pick?!!!!????!? Well, they're in the pool together so....OH! And then they're in a room. I heard noises that are so NSFW!!! But then they cut in Chris saying "My knee hurts" to make it ok?! OH MY GOSH! Supes inappropro.
Cut to a frog swimming.
Poor Sarah. Everyone left her alone at the house. Except that Lacy and Graham and AshLee and Marcus are still in the house. Ok. Aw, Sarah's crying now because she's not confident. Come on Sarah. You can do it!
Marquel and Danielle are back from their date and Michelle is all OMG I am TOTES over Marquel. Marquel likes to play games and I am so not into that. Robert Robert Robert let's make out. I'm Michelle and I haven't kissed anyone yet, Robert give me your lips so I can have them.
Danielle ominously says "I'm having a good time, but there's always that little twist that new people are coming in." CUT TO A NEW PERSON'S SEXY LEGS AND A DATE CARD. Damn, they know how to tell this story, for realz.
And it's...Jackie! From Sean's season. And when she tries to figure out who's paired up with who, Michelle pipes up "It's a new rule, you just pick whoever you want." I mean, I guess she's totally into the round robin thing now that she's getting used to it, right? Jackie picks Marquel! Uh oh Danielle. Now what? Michelle is just badmouthing Marquel, saying he's open to "every possibility." UH SO ARE YOU! She's crazy. I am learning all the things not to say when in life.
Uh oh. AshLee's crazy is showing! Talking about Graham meeting her dad and how they would have hot babies. And now she has a date card! She and Graham are obviously going on a daaaaaaate. And they're totally going to get marrrrrrrrrrried. Except that this is their first date. And Graham is hinting that he's not going to give AshLee his rose!!!
Marcus and Lacy are still together. Woo freaking hoo.
Danielle is already dropping the L word! Seriously? You've gone on one date. ONE DATE. COME ON. And now Marquel is on a date with another girl! COME ON. But it seems like Jackie and Marquel are hitting it off. Uh oh. Sad for you Danielle.
And now Elise is taking care of Chris because his knee is still out of whack. And then she says "Chris is my man now. Forever." FOREVER?! Really?! Last week you were like so totally in love with Dylan, and now it's you and Chris? Come on Elise. Have some standards. Or don't, whatevs.
Aw, that was nice of Sarah. Trying to talk some sense into Elise. Buuuuut she's too far gone to get any sense knocked into her. But nice try.
Whoa! A sea turtle comes out of the ocean and lays it's eggs on the beach! Clare thinks it means new life. That's what happens when there are eggs. Babies, new life, etc etc etc good job.
AshLee and Graham's first date! Ooooh and her crazy is showing right out the gate. (It might be easier to say when it's not showing?) She told him she follows his instagram and knows what kind of person he is because of it...and Graham seems to be wising up to her crazy! He's got the big eyes, which to me means he's thinking "WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?!" #embarrassing He's saying they should take it slow, and she says "this could be the next step." BABIES?!" And they get their two room keys. Is AshLee going to try and get him to stay in her room? Probably. Buuuut he doesn't want to get murdered. Ok, that's enough shots of AshLee's butt camera people slash editors. Come on. Aw their first kiss! But they don't sleep together. Good job Graham.
Cocktail party time!
Michelle wants to explore things with Robert. We get it.
Clare is excited to see the dudes because they haven't seen them in a day.
Chris is making sad noises because of his knee. But other than that his life is graaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyte.
Guys are handing out the roses tonight, and Chris Harrison looks like he is all about paradise.
Couples happening right now:
Chris and Elise
AshLee and Graham
Lacy and Marcus
Zack and Clare
That leaves these wildcards:
Aw, Sarah and Robert are super cute! Robert brought five blue shirts, and he told Sarah already, and she suggests they go shopping. Super cute! But uh oh...here comes Michelle to talk to Graham about Robert...Robert shows up...Graham walks away...awkward silence....so now Michelle and Robert will go mingle! Good job.
Danielle is laying it all out on the line to Marquel, buuuuut he totes already made out with Jackie and not with her so....
Rose Ceremony time!
Graham gives his rose to....AshLee. (WHOA! Big surprise.)
Zack gives his rose to...Clare. (Yawn.)
Marcus gives his rose to...Lacy. (This is such a shocking rose ceremony.)
Marquel gives his rose to.............Jackie. (Sorry Danielle.)
Robert gives his rose to..............................Sarah! (I just cheered a little. You guys, am I getting invested in this show? RIP Michelle.)
Chris gives his rose to...Elise. Buuuuuut he says he can't give her the rose. RECORD SCRATCH - WHAT?! Chris and Elise are both going to leave the show and do it like alll the time. So he's kind of giving her the rose? But now they're moving in together. (I'm guessing.)
I guess the moral of this story is if you want to find love and get married quickly and have babies go on Bachelor in Paradise and make sure your guy gets injured.
But then in a sweet/crazy turn of events, Chris gives his rose to Michelle so she can stay in Paradise and find another dude to find love with. Aww. Maybe she'll find love...with Graham! And this show will be called Murder in Paradise instead? Hmmm....
Montage of Chris and Elise makin' out and taking shots and being together. Everyone is surprised that she's leaving with him. Really?
HAHAHAHA DANIELLE! "This isn't paradise. This is....Marq Hell." NICE.
Oh boy that was a doozy.
Next week there are two episodes! OH SNAP!