Bachelor in Paradise: The Second One!

Last time on Bachelor in Paradise:

Marcus gave Lacy a rose when he should have given it to Sara. Also Robert was expecting to give his rose to Lacy, but ended up giving it to Clare because of the Marcus swoop-in. Ben gave his rose to Sara, as a pity thing. Elise and Dylan are already almost in love because that's how timing works. AshLee is crazy and Graham is somehow down with that. Marquel and Michelle M have something going on but it's fairly unimportant.

I think that's the all we need to know here.

Welcome to Paradise...


We open with Chris Harrison telling us who he is and that this is the second episode. Because sometimes it's confusing if you don't know what number episode you're watching. And apparently we are "not going to believe what's coming [our] way tonight." You're right Chris. Because it's just too much amazingness. And also we've seen this show before so maybe we will believe it...Buuuuut you know best, so do your thang.

Last week, Michelle K left because she had decided that no one in Paradise was for her. Now they're going to tell us why she peaced out! So we can stop wondering! Because that's what I spent all week doing, I don't know about you. I was VERY concerned.

OH MY GOSH. SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH THE GUY IN THE NEXT ROOM FROM HER AT THIS HOTEL THAT THEY WERE STAYING AT. They unlocked the doors to their adjoining rooms. "And we can only imagine where it went from there." Let's just be real. Sex. It went to sex. Probably. Stop beating around the bush, Chris. We're all adults here. (That's questionable, actually.)

This sentence literally just happened: "Unfortunately, Michelle refused to give her side of the story, so I'll fill you in." WHAT. And now a reenactment is happening. What are you doing Bachelor in Paradise? Did you really need this much filler? I'm sure you could have filmed all the other girls crying...

Basically Michelle and some random crew member started practicing making babies before Michelle went to Paradise. When the cast wrangler came to talk to her and take her to the psychiatrist (nice touch, gotta keep those crazies sane somehow I guess?), the random crew member hid on the balcony. AND THEN HE JUMPED OFF THE BALCONY. AND BROKE HIS LEGS. Or his feet? Or something. What the what.

They spent five minutes on that. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I have never been so relieved for a commercial break.

We come back to Clare and Lacy (seriously with these names) talking about how Paradise should be all about sparkles and butterflies. Like I said, all of us being adults is questionable. Lacy is feeling a-static about Marcus giving her the rose.  (Maybe she took speaking lessons from Juan Pablo.)

Close up of some new dude's butt carrying a date card. (I just reread that and it is great imagery. You're welcome) And also a lizard. OH NO! A NEW GUY IS COMING! The guys are worried. Seriously, did they not know what this show was when they decided to be on it?

It's Chris B! Who tried to get on Andi's show by staking out the bachelorette house for a week! Even though he didn't know when they were going to start filming! (That guy will totally fit in here.) Marcus says "I hope he's not thinking of stealing anybody's women." I didn't realize this was Bachelor in Cave People Times. Where's your club, Marcus?

AshLee wants to know what Chris's motives are here in Paradise because he's got a questionable reputation. AshLee, he's here to find love. And murder people. Just like you! Maybe you guys should date.

Chris chooses Clare to go on a date! Good job Chris. No drama. Except she says "I can get more ready if you want me to." So...sex?

They go to a spa. Couples massage. Boring.

Robert doesn't understand how this show works either. Lacy is holding hands with Marcus on the beach, in front of him, after Marcus gave her his rose. Robert thinks that HE should be holding hands with Lacy. Hmmm...Maybe you should stop watching them through the weeds, Robert.

Date card! And it goes to Marcus. I wonder who he'll pick? Probably Elise, right? Although if these promos are anything to be taken seriously, I sense something else coming down the pipeline with her... And he picks Lacy! Whoa. I am like, so shocked. I can't believe it. Is this what Chris was hinting at during his intro at the beginning of the episode? Because man. Pick my jaw up off the floor.

Back to Clare and Chris's boring date where she tells him about all the gossip she heard about him. Blah blah blah. Oh wait, I guess Clare and Chris are in love now. COOL.  Shot of them in the ocean.

Dylan and Elise are in love. Drawn to each other. Connecting on so many levels. On EVERY level. Nudge nudge, wink wink. (Sex?) It's been literally one week. But wait....Dylan might not be happy....he feels smothered! Oh no! He wants to go on dates with other people. He wants to see if this is "something real" or something that "just happened." Uh... This is Paradise. Obviously it's real!!!!!!!

Robert is still feeling shocked about Marcus and Lacy. He wishes she wasn't snake-y. And of course, as Marcus and Lacy walk off to go on their date, everyone is sitting around the picnic table (because community!!) commenting on how they're the sexiest couple of the year. Except Robert who is very sad face.

Boring date time. Where they'll talk about Marcus's history with Andi. Which was five seconds ago. Ughhhhhhhh I'm so bored. Come on. Where's the drama?!

Shots! Nice. Oh god. YOPO. You're Only in Paradise Once. Wouldn't it be YOIPO then?

Uh, Chris and Elise are flirting. Oh god, Elise is like, a real girl. She's talking to everyone, and then she's going to Dylan asking if it stings to see her get to know everyone. Good move Dylan. Run away. More shots! And now Chris and Elise are in the ocean. Making out. SCANDAL! And Michelle is drunk. Aw, Clare. What are you going to do? You were so sure that Chris would get your rose, and now....SO SAD. If only you had gone in the ocean with him first and shown him your signature move...which is (spoiler!) ocean sex.

And I can't believe I'm only half an hour into this show.

Elise wants a relationship and to get married and to have a family. Buuuut she doesn't care with who. Healthy. (Speaking of, this show is making me inhale chocolate.) Dylan and Elise are going to have a serious conversation about her talking to other people. He TOLD her to go meet other people, and she ended up kissing a dude, and now he's mad about it. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, DYLAN. OH MY GOSH. RUDE. Ok wait, he's not mad. Her kissing someone else just made him realize that their one week relationship wasn't going to work out. I'm not sure who the girl is in this relationship anymore, let's be real. Also, Elise says that Dylan is literally killing her right now. But she looks pretty alive to me. So...

COMING UP "I FELT HIS CONNECTION IN THE OCEAN" CLARE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SEX AGAIN OH MY GOSH YOU AND THE OCEAN ARE ALL LIKE SEX SEX SEX

And now a new guy shows up! Zack. Who also has a date card. He also chooses Clare. She gets all the dates. Because of all the sex she talks about. Probably. I mean, that's just a shot in the dark.

Date. With Clare and Zack. Boring. Into the ocean they go.

Dylan isn't going to take Elise on a date. Even if Sarah says no, he's not going to take her. So...to recap. Dylan and Elise are totes broken up. But Elise is getting dressed for their date. But he's going to ask Sarah! Sarah is going to think about it. Sarah over talks it with Elise and now she's going! Because Elise thinks that because Sarah is going, Dylan is still hoping to work it out with Elise. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. UGH. PEOPLE. COME ON.

In a weird turn of events, Elise is talking to AshLee about the situation...and AshLee calls her crazy. I don't think AshLee knows what she's talking about.

And now Sarah and Dylan are on a date. Also boring. They're just complimenting each other. And talking about Elise. And Dylan thinks that Sarah is hilarious and like talking to your best friend? But the filming did not really show that...so...that seems sketchy...

Oh my gosh! Ben is still here! I forgot all about him because they give him zero screen time. OH NO MARCUS YOU WENT INTO BEN'S BACKPACK?! And now they're reading a note that was in there. Oh man. Sounds like he has a girlfriend?! OR he has an old letter because he's a normal person but he brought it on the show because he's a crazy. Hmm. Toss up. Let's find out! Yes, Marcus. I think the right thing to do is definitely to confront him. Good job. Waves crash. (Literally, they showed a shot of the waves crashing.)

Ok, so Ben found it in his backpack when he got to Paradise. Sure, that sounds legit. I mean, anything can happen, a dude literally jumped off a balcony at the beginning of this episode.

Clare is going to be a spy. CLARE! You SUCK at being a spy! She straight up just asked Marquel what was going on, and he was like "Ben has a love letter" while he was in the middle of sitting there talking to Ben and Marcus about the sitch. That's like...I guess the only way to do it in Paradise, instead of just listening in on the conversation. That's how normal spying works, you know. And now they're all going up there! To find out what's going on! BAM! CONFRONTATION! And now Michelle is crying. I thought she was with Marquel? Why is she crying? She just wants to let Ben know that she's offended because he took someone's spot who she could have had a future with.

Now everyone is questioning why everyone is here. Are they here for the right reasons? Michelle, this is your fourth go around on a show like this. Your FOURTH! How is this still news to you? Damn, Ben. You suck. Again. The good news is we didn't have to watch much of Sarah and Dylan's date! And Ben is gone. SEE YA!

Cocktail party and rose ceremony time!

The girls get to give the roses out this week. Fun! (Sure.)

Hypothetical Couples going into the rose ceremony:

Marcus and Lacy
Graham and AshLee
Zack and Clare
and Marquel and Michelle. (Then why was she crying so much when she thought Ben was here taking someone else's spot? Michelle. Get it together. Oh. It's because she was drunk. All the time. Marquel may have just talked himself out of a rose by saying she likes to drink. Now Robert swoops in! Right when Marquel says something mean to Michelle! (Not really mean, more of an observation.) Nice swooping, Robert. Why isn't this show just called Key Party? Michelle asks Robert if he thinks she drinks more than anyone else here. I GUESS EVERYONE HERE IS A GIRL. UGH.)

Dylan and Elise have a loooong drawn out conversation that could have been cut short by Dylan saying this: "Hey Elise, don't give me your rose, I will say no." Instead he beats around the bush and talks about how they have a great friendship and she should explore what she has with Chris and go for it and blah blah blah. Come on Dylan! You've already talked to her! You know she doesn't understand things easily!

Finally, the rose ceremony!


Lacy gives her rose to....Marcus. (Poor Robert.)
AshLee gives her rose to Graham. (Duh.)
Clare gives her rose to Zack. (Also duh.)
Michelle gives her rose to......Marquel! (Poor Robert again.)
Elise gives her rose to............(ten minutes later, after multiple interview cut ins, ugh)......Dylan. EVEN THOUGH HE SAID NOT TO. So he says no. Now Elise is making a speech? This is weird. Everyone is making weird faces. And there's weird music. We get it. It's weird. Did she just say her wedding vows to the group? Oh good, now she offers her rose to Chris. And he says yes! Phew. That's over.
Sarah gives her rose to...ROBERT! WHAT! I literally gasped! SARAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! Dylan is gone!

Sarah sums it up pretty well. "That was...awkward." YEAH IT WAS! GOOD JOB!

Aaaaaand that's all for this week.

See you next time in Paradise, where it will hopefully not make me eat as much chocolate. Because seriously I feel bad about myself now. (Although I'm not sure if that's the chocolate or the watching of this show....)