Last time on Bachelor in Paradise...
Carly and Kirk are together. Jade and Tanner are together. Tenley and JJ are together? Ashley I is in love with Jared, Lauren's like "whatever", Clare thinks Jared's cute but Mikey wants her. Ashley S and Dan are together and super cute. Jonathan and Juelia are hanging out. And Chris Harrison continues to read his own book.
Everyone is celebrating after the rose ceremony. Tenley makes the usual post-rose ceremony speech.
Lauren (Ashley I's sister) is still not having a good time. She's just waiting for Joshua from Kaitlyn's season to show up. But he hasn't yet, so she's just throwing a tantrum until he gets here. Because that's how 24 year olds act these days. I WANT IT NOW. "This is actually hell, not paradise. I'm around PEOPLE 24/7! I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!" She threatens to leave. And cries. This is SO unexpected, Lauren NEVER cries!
Carly is worried about bugs. And crabs. Crabs that might be able to fly. CRAB PARTY! They're dancing! (The crabs, not the people. Who cares about the people?)
Dan asks Ashley S if she would pee on him if a jellyfish stung him. She says she'd pee in a cup. TRUE LOVE YOU GUYS. TRUE LOVE.
JJ and Tenley seem to have something going on, and JJ asks the question that we're all wondering: "Why the hell does she like me?"
Mikey shows up and tells Clare that he washed his hair for her. But he still has his little baby ponytail! And he keeps flirting and complimenting her, and she's just like "dude. Come on."
Lauren tells everyone that she has someone that she's super into, and she's SO in love with him that she can't do anything. SO WHY DID SHE LET ASHLEY CONVINCE HER TO COME TO PARADISE. Oh wait. Hold on a second. She's a mistress. But he's not married? So? What? She's dating someone who has a girlfriend. So her new name is "Lauren the Mistress." Good job.
Dan says "It's always the crazy ones." Ashley S responds "I would know!" We all laugh.
And now Lauren is freaking out because she's worried that her non-boyfriend is going to be mad at her because she left. Ashley tells her she needs to think about this logically. WHAT. Let me repeat that: ASHLEY tells LAUREN that she needs to think about this LOGICALLY. My mind is blown. Lauren then blows her nose for like 10 minutes and we're all questioning our life choices. (No? Just me?) Ashley tells Lauren to wait for Joshua to arrive and then she can go home if things don't work out with him.
Joshua from Kaitlyn's season arrives! Hurray! Maybe Lauren will stay! Tenley is instantly smitten. Juelia says he's a welder, so there may be sparks flying in the near future. Look at her and her puns! High five. JJ brings up that they don't like each other and that he thinks Joshua is a little rat. Cool. Tension.
Joshua arrives with a date card. It says "choose one woman to join you for a night out on the town." Ashley I immediately asks if she can steal him (BACHELOR TRADITION, guys!) and everyone's like "ughhhhhh Ashley." Ashley tells him that he should ask out her sister, and Joshua is like "I have a few people to talk to first but we'll see." Ashley I pats herself on the back and says "I think I did a good job of selling my sister to Joshua." HUMAN TRAFFICKING IS HAPPENING. Good times.
Ashley says "Lauren is like the chillest girlfriend you could ever have - I mean, obviously, she let's a guy have another girlfriend!" Hardee har har remember because she's a mistress?
Juelia and Lauren are talking to Joshua and at the end of the conversation Joshua asks what Lauren's name is. Soooo basically they're in love and totally getting married. Oh wait, no, it means that Lauren is probably leaving. BYE! Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! But first we have to see who gets the date card.
Tenley asks if Joshua wants to see the ocean aaaand that was the best. Because it's like...right there. Right next to them. But yes, go walk to see it! Get him away from Lauren!
JJ is not worried about Joshua asking Tenley...and then...Joshua asks if Tenley will go on the date with him and she says yes! They go back to the pool and announce that Tenley is going with her. Lauren says "What a fun day" and then goes to pack her stuff. "I don't know why the world is so awful to me."
Ashley cries because Lauren is leaving. Big fight. Lauren leaves. ADIOS. K Bye! Go have fun being a mistress! And then five minutes of Lauren dragging her suitcase across the sand and up the stairs and across the sand again, and Ashley I crying. Womp womp. Also no one cares that Lauren is leaving. NO ONE. "Who's Lauren?"
Tanner asks Tenley what she sees in Josh, right in front of JJ. When Tenley protests, Tanner says that JJ is very adult about it and it's fine to talk about the positive things she sees in Josh. Uh, Tanner, have you met JJ? He is not an adult about anything, so basically this is going to go real well for him. JJ says "Tenley's like a Disney princess - and I've never seen a Disney movie end with the blacksmith getting the girl." OUCH. BURN.
Tenley and Joshua leave for their date!
Jonathan says "The more guys that come, the more guys that are going to go home." You guys, I think he's figured out how this show works!
UH OH SOMEONE IS COMING DOWN THE STAIRS. It's Joe! From Kaitlyn's season. Everyone is singing his praises right from the get go, saying how he's hilarious and the life of the party. He comes with a date card! Aaaaand he's having a little trouble reading it.
Now everyone is sitting in silence. But Joe is hilarious! What happened? I don't understand. Why is it so awkward and quiet. Carly says "This is awkward." Joe responds with "Yes." Yeah, this is super awkward. Joe, you suck. Then he asks Clare if this is her second time in paradise, and after she says yes, he says "That's terrible." WHAT A DICK.
Clare goes off to cry and now she's talking to her raccoon! AW! Hi buddy! The raccoon tries to open a bottle of wine, which is something we all want to do. Poor Clare. AND POOR RACCOON. Raccoon drops the bottle of wine and runs away.
No one feels a connection with Joe. Except for Juelia who really wants to ride horses. He asks if anyone wants to go horseback riding, and Juelia says she does. So he says "ok great." And no one knows if he asked her or if she invited herself or what the deal is. Joe makes no sense and gives me an icky feeling. Like watching him makes me need to take multiple scalding hot showers to get rid of his gross cooties. Juelia's like "I think he asked me?" And then Joe makes a gross joke about how she's actually riding him and ew I need to take ten more showers.
Joshua and Tenley's date! They go dancing and drinking and...blah blah blah. Joshua was a theatre major! YEAH MAN! Aw this is cute, they're actually showing them talking and getting to know each other and not just like super deep conversation right off the bat. Tenley says "he's big. I like really big guys." And then laughs embarrassedly. Now they're comparing hands and she's like super excited. FANTASY SUITE! Oh, not yet.
JJ talking more shit about Joshua. JOSHUA AND TENLEY ARE MAKING OUT. JJ says when Tenley gets back he's going to take her on a REAL date. (What? You don't have a date card.) Uh oh. JJ takes Tenley and now they go make out. Then JJ goes to bed, and now Tenley and JOSHUA are making out. GET SOME.
A crab gets swept away into the ocean!
Juelia and Joe are leaving for their date! Jonathan is bummed.
Everyone is hanging out, and all of a sudden, Joshua starts talking about drugs, and telling everyone how he's done molly. Everyone is super uncomfortable with it. Dan and Mikey take it upon themselves to tell Tenley about the things Joshua is saying in regards to drugs. Big brothers! So sweet. Now Tenley is going to talk to him and see what's up. RED FLAGS! Poor Tenley. She just wants to find loooove. She doesn't have time to waste on a bad guy, but sh'e got all the time to wait for the right one. Preach!
CARLY AND KIRK ARE THE CAYUTEST!!!!
Joe and Juelia go on their date. Riding horses! (No body doubles, for those of you that watch UnReal)
Jonathan is bummed that Juelia is going on the date with Joe. JJ is wearing a bathing suit that is way too short. Jonathan says hopefully Joe breaks his leg and has to go home. THAT WOULD BE A DAMN SHAME.
More of Joe and Juelia's date. They kiss. Ew.
Tenley pulls Joshua aside to talk about the whole drug thing. He says that it's not a thing that he does often, it was just a one time thing. She's not sure if Joshua is telling the truth or not. JJ says he wants to hang out with Tenley but she's taking a mind break. That's what you do in Paradise.
Joe and Juelia get back from their date, and Juelia is gushing about how much fun it was, and Joe looks very apathetic, and like "yeah. It was fine. Eh. Who cares." Dan does a spot on impression of Joe's reaction and it was great.
They're speculating over who's going home, and they think Mikey is going home. So Dan goes to tell Mikey that Clare isn't in to him anymore. And Mikey is just realllllly slow on the uptake. Clare told him from day one that she wasn't super interested in him. And now Dan is telling him that the girls say she's not interested in him. "Who said that?" "Both of them said that?" "Is that really the case though?" "Are you sure?" "Am I on candid camera?" (I made that last one up.) "How do you know?" But really Mikey doesn't get that his relationship with Clare is a FRIENDSHIP and not a relashee like he hopes. Mikey pulls Tenley away to ask him about it and they watch the sunset. Tenley's like "I wish I was watching this really romantic sunset with NOT you..."
Ashley I pees in the ocean. Because she's six.
Juelia talks to Jonathan about how maybe they don't have all the romantic chemistry that he thought. Juelia really likes Joe. And JOE IS A DICK. He literally tells the producer that Juelia is not very smart, and that the whole reason he's here is for someone who isn't here yet. Juelia is super smitten, and Joe's like "the kiss wasn't good. I just wanted the rose." He's manipulating one of the sweetest girls on the show! Ugh. What a dickbag. And then he farts. UGH. I WANT TO PUSH HIM INTO TRAFFIC. Too bad there's no traffic in Paradise.
Date card arrives for Jared! Ashley thinks he's going to pick her and not Clare because Clare is 34 and her "eggs are almost dead." Yep, that's how reproduction works. 34 and you're basically out of time! Good luck! Aaaaaand without any hesitation Jared picks Clare! Two hearts are broken! Mikey and Ashley I. Sorry guys. Everybody runs to their own rooms to cry and punch things. But at least Ashley's like "We haven't even kissed, so we have nothing, but still." Good on her remembering what the reality is. Ashley and Mikey are upset that their feelings weren't even considered, but it's like...guys. This is paradise. This is how things happen here. Get with the program.
Mikey and Jared have a chat about how Jared wants to date a woman who is eight years older than him. WHY IS EVERYONE SO HUNG UP ON THIS? You only have the option of dating the people that are in Paradise. And if everyone is coupled up and you want to see what kind of connection you have with the people remaining, who cares if she's older?! I mean, look at Demi and Ashton. Mikey is definitely feeling like a typical male and banging his chest. "CLARE IS MINE. OOOH OOH OOH OOH." Then Clare approaches him and he tells her to go away, that he's pissed. AND THEN CLARE POKES THE BEAR. Come on, girl. He warned you that he wasn't in a good mood and that YOU were the reason why. I know you want to like, talk this out or whatever, but HE WARNED YOU. But also Mikey thinks that Clare hasn't been upfront and honest with him, and that's just...no. Mikey and Clare yell at each other and now...
JJ thinks that Jared is taking the title of Villain away from him. VILLAIN'S GOTTA VIL, MAN. AGAIN!
Mikey is talking about leaving. Ashley I is crying. Clare is crying. Everyone is crying. Except for Kirk and Clare because they are SO CUTE.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN WHAT HAPPENS TOMORROW?!