OH NO GUYS. WHAT'S HAPPENING.
When we last left off...
We were in the middle of a rose ceremony. Clare ran away because waaaaaaahhhhhh nobody is looking for love!
OH MY GOSH WE'RE GOING TO MEET JORGE THE BARTENDER THIS EPISODE. That's like the most exciting news I've had in weeks. Also Chris is still reading his own book.
Chris Harrison goes after Clare to see why she's crying. She needs to pull it together! The girls have the roses, so she can just choose whoever! Chris tells her she's only been here a week and she hasn't given love a chance. Good job Chris! Tell her to get her ass back in here so she can give her rose to a dude so they can stay. "Clare wasn't feeling well for a minute." Sure.
And now back to the rose ceremony! Before we left, Jade picked Tanner, Carly picked Kirk, Ashley S picked Dan, Tenley picked Joshua.
Ashley I picks...Jared!
Clare picks...JJ! Because she has no chemistry with Mikey and he still hasn't figured it out.
Juelia picks...Joe. And we all yell at our screens like we're watching a horror movie, BECAUSE WE ARE. Bye Jonathan, bye Mikey, bye Michael G. We'll miss you.
Juelia is feeling excited and hopeful about Joe. She's already feeling like if they end up together she would be totally ok with moving. Juelia! You're moving way too fast! Joe is looking forward to when Samantha will arrive.
OH NO ANOTHER BIG ASS LIZARD.
And now...Samantha has gotten here. Chris says no one remembers her. OH WELL. She's planning on making herself known in Paradise. She also says she's looking for a good guy. So how does Joe fit in?
Juelia is really excited to see Samantha because they were friends on Chris's season. Samantha obviously comes down with a date card. "Do I pick now or...?" Tenley asks if she has an idea of who she wants and she immediately says "I'm going to pick YOU" to Joe. He gets this stupid look on his face like "THE SCHEME IS WORKING." Samantha asks if she can talk to Joe, and they go walk away so she can ask him on a date for a second time? Didn't she already ask him? Just now? Seriously, for this being the second time around on a dating show for both of them, they suck. Although I guess Samantha didn't get very far so she doesn't really know how it works...
Juelia isn't sure why Samantha picked Joe right off the bat. Samantha asks Joe if he's gone on any dates or made any connections and he said he went on a date with Juelia but no real connection. BOO. Juelia tells Carly that she can't even compete with Samantha because she's a perfect specimen, and Carly reminds her that it's not about that, it's about the connection. THE CONNECTION.
Back at the dining room table, Jared calls Joe a dog because he said yes to the date. Jared asks if Joe talked to Sam before the show started, and Joe says no. Joe's like "WHY, you think I couldn't have gotten a date just because she got here and decided she liked me?" Yeah, basically, you super gross dude. Jared backtracks and says that he just heard that, that's why. Tanner says "I hope he doesn't hurt Juelia." Jared says "Have fun! She's a beautiful girl. OH ALSO YOU SHOULD TALK TO JUELIA BEFORE YOU GO." Everyone stares Joe down because he is totally not going to do that. Joe and Sam walk up to the group holding hands, and everyone is just like "THAT IS SO MESSED UP." Joe didn't talk to Juelia before he left, like the gross asshole that he is. I get that this is what Paradise is about, seeing what's out there, but like, if you get asked on a date right after you've been hanging out with someone else, the DECENT thing to do is to go talk to the person you went on a date with before. UGH. I HATE JOE.
Juelia says that Joe seems very comfortable holding Sam's hand after they just met 15 minutes ago. Samantha laughs as they walk away to their date. UGH.
I've never welcomed a commercial break more. Gimme those ads!
And now Joe and Sam are taking sexy pictures. They're getting into really sexy poses and it's making me feel sick. The pictures look pretty good but I hate them. So I don't want to talk about them anymore. EW THEY KISS AND IT'S SO GROSS.
Juelia is thinking about how Joe was campaigning last night before the rose ceremony where he was defending his honor, and how she had to fight through that and trust him. She thinks that she should tell Samantha about their history so that Sam can make an informed decision about Joe. If I was Sam and my friend came to me and told me how the guy I was dating (let's use that term loosely here) played me, I would NOT be interested in that guy anymore. But who knows, Joe is manipulative enough that maybe Sam won't care! I guess we'll find out when they get back from their super gross date. This intercutting of Juelia crying and Sam laughing is heartbreaking though. I feel so bad for Juelia!
Joe and Sam get back from their date holding hands and she's holding flowers. And then he asks Jared if he wants a shrimp quesadilla. Because that is very relevant to this world. Now they're describing their date, and the difference between Joe describing his date with Sam and describing his date with Juelia is like night and day. He's not even being respectful of Juelia right now and it's really rude. Juelia leaves the table. Good job, lady.
Jared tells Joe again that he needs to talk to Juelia. Juelia doesn't want it to be awkward. Jared tells Joe that he knows that Joe didn't use Juelia for the rose. Joe smirks and Jared's like SHUT UP NO YOU DI'INT and Joe steals JJ's line that he's just trying to Vil. Jared tells him that that isn't what he's doing and he NEEDs to go talk to her. Then Joshua tells Joe he needs to talk to her. So finally after a long time he's like UGH FINE. He goes to talk to Juelia and they settle nothing. Joe doesn't even look in the same direction as Juelia, and he's clearly wasted. "OK GOOD TALK, K BYE"
Clare goes to make a phone call home, and gets her buddy the raccoon! You guys he's so cute. He's telling her all about everything that's happening, and she's super into it. And she's telling him, too. Crabs! Not a euphemism because she's not getting any. And then he hangs up on her. Because he's a raccoon and they don't know how to say bye.
Carly and Jade are talking about how there's super sexual chemistry between Carly and Kirk. And she wants to GET. IT. ON. Kirk is super cute. #sorrykirksmom. Carly wants to know what Kirk is waiting for in terms of hooking up...I think maybe she forgot there are cameras everywhere? DATE CARD! Joshua is taking forever to read it, even Jorge the Bartender wants to know what it says! And it's for CARLY! She instantly attacks Kirk. YAY. Choose a man to light your fire! "He already did."
Ashley S talks to Jorge the bartender about Dan! Jorge thinks Dan is a good guy. Then Juelia joins in the conversation about how good of a guy Dan is. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO? I can't take the suspense. Aaaaand now Jade is talking to Dan about how taxing "out of character" moments are. So she became a human and now he's not interested? Ok. Sure. But at least he's going to talk to her and figure it out. Is another girl going to come in for Dan to talk to? Probably. PARADISE.
Chris Harrison is waiting for someone to come down the stairs. Megan! From Chris's season. She thought that New Mexico was a different country. I guess her suitcase was lost so she's wandering around Mexico trying to buy new clothes. And instead of putting them in a bag she's wearing all of them at once.
Kirk and Carly's date! They have a nice, romantic dinner. She points out fires! Get it? Fires? And today is her brother's wedding so she thinks there is a special significance there. "My brother is getting married and this is my first real date with Kirk, so it's like we're both starting our romantic journey at the same time!" Almost, but not quite. I hope she really finds love here though, otherwise...missing your brother's wedding? That sucks. They start having a serious conversation about their big picture, and more of what they're looking for. Kirk talks about how it takes a long time for him to admit he's in a relationship, and Carly comments on how this was more like a rocket. Which it was, they've been together since night one! Adorbs, though. Kirk tells us he might be uneasy with this relationship and he has to figure out if it's right. BUT THEY'RE SO CUTE.
Ashley S and Dan go to have a chat. Ashley tells him that she feels like they have a really good connection and that they had an advantage because they went to the hospital. That's kiiiind of true, since they had a bunch of hours to really hang out without the cameras. Dan talks about how Paradise is so intense and that it brings out a lot of things, both good and bad, in everyone. Dan tells Ashley that he's been thinking about what he really wants, and whether their personalities mesh up, and Ashley looks shocked. She tells him that she's only here for him, and if he doesn't want her then basically why should she stick around? She isn't looking for anyone else. Which is pretty smart, if you have a connection with someone that you think is going really well, and then all of a sudden you don't anymore, would you even be ready to meet someone else in the next day or two? Like, yes, this is Paradise and not real life, but still. They're not robots. (Except for Joe.)
Carly tells Kirk how today has been hard for her because her brother is getting married today in Ireland. IRELAND! Dang. (Her brother was on Desiree's season too.) Carly calls her brother in Ireland to tell him about the one on one date. After that call, Kirk decides he's all in, so Kirk and Carly go to the hotel and order a fantasy suite! SEXY TIMES. "We'd like one fantasy suite, please!" FIREWORKS. BYE CAMERAS! SEE YA!
Megan finally found her way to Paradise! She offers Chris her "sobrero," where he immediately tells her that she's not pronouncing it right. Chris don't got time for your shit, Megs. Megan then says "ALOHA MEXICO!" She gets a date card. During her interview she gets distracted by a crab, that she just stares at. "I see it's eyes!" AND THEN IT GETS EATEN BY ANOTHER CRAB. OMG. WHAT.
She takes her date card and tries to read it. "Choose a man, and get lista for your first cita." She tries to decipher it, and determines that lista means first and cita means date. At least she's pretty.
Dan decides that he's going to try and go for Megan. Because going from crazy to lower intelligence seems like a good plan, I guess? Megan is interested in Dan and JJ, so she has to decide who she'll take on the date.
ANOTHER CRAB. ROOSTER CROWS.
Carly and Kirk are awake! They definitely lit each other's fire. HEY-O. SEXY TIMES. He says she's like a pinball machine. What?
Megan has made her decision for who she's going to take. She has decided that she's not going to go for another douchebag, because every other relationship she's been in she's been cheated on and lied to. So she picks....JJ! The only guy who has OPENLY ADMITTED to CHEATING on his ex-wife. Good going, Megan. She wakes him up from a dead sleep to ask if he'll go. Dan is bummed that Megan chose JJ. Oh well. Ashley is happy that she didn't. DRAMA.
Ugh more Joe and Samantha. She looks like Ursula (from Little Mermaid) when she's in her human form. Gross. Lots of filming of them making out in the hot tub. Intercut with Juelia crying and feeling sad because Joe just completely played her. Such a dick. And her talking to her daughter saying she misses her. And now Samantha is giving him a handy in the jacuzzi! GROSSSSSSSSSSSSS PLEASE DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE GO IN THERE. Chlorine is sterilizing but still, EW. OH NO THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE OTHER POOL RIGHT NOW GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS I HATE JOE
This is the worst.
Dan says he wants to beat the shit out of Joe. AGREED. Everyone is asking Joe if he and Samantha had talked to each other before this. Now he's changing his story and saying that they had. Jared is now confronting Joe and saying that everyone feels bad for Juelia and they all feel like Joe played Juelia. This is getting repetitive. Everyone is saying that Joe played Juelia, Joe is denying it, but it's obviously true.
Dan offers to bring Joe over to Juelia so that they can have a conversation about how Joe played Juelia. Joe doesn't want to go over and talk to Juelia. He feels like he already talked this whole thing to death and that it's over. Everyone should mind their own business. MAYBE THEY WOULD, JOE, IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A DICK AND YOU HADN'T PLAYED THE NICEST PERSON IN THE HOUSE. Finally, Dan gets Joe to go with him, where Juelia tells him how she feels and how his actions were less than genuine. She also says that Mikey and Jonathan specifically told her that he was waiting for Samantha, and Joe cuts her off and says that her conversations didn't happen. COME ON. It's like having a conversation with a sociopath. You can't get straight answers out of him because he's not a good person. UGH. Finally Juelia says the conversation is over, and decides that she's going to tell Samantha everything that has happened so she can make a judgement. Joe gets very nervous and can't finish a sentence because he's so worried!
Juelia, Jade, and Samantha get up to go talk! Joe is worried that he's going to lose the best girl he's ever had! Uh oh! DRAMA!
OH NO IT CONTINUES TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111oneoneone