Friday, August 7, 2015

LET'S RUFFLE SOME FEATHERS! Bachelor in Paradise episode 1B!


We start with an amazingly cheesy 80's opening credit sequence. I love it. CHRIS HARRISON IS READING HIS OWN BOOK. So good.

Back to reality...there's lightning! And crabs! And now...Clare has arrived! Tenley is excited to see her, which is adorbs.

Clare comes down with a date card, and she has to pick a guy to go with her on her first date. But she asks the girls who is already paired off, which is nice of her. She thinks that maybe she'll ask Dan, but then we find out that Dan went with Ashley S to the emergency room!

Ashley S: Oh my gosh, it's like my birthday! French fries.

Clare is bummed because everyone is paired up, so she tells Mikey that she has no options. SHE TELLS MIKEY. So she's stuck with Mikey and JJ. Clare decides that her best course of action is to tell a crab what's going on. I wonder if the raccoon and the crab are friends? Maybe they'll go talk to each other later. Clare is sad and doesn't know why the guys don't want to go on a date with her, but also...she hasn't asked anyone yet? So...there's that. Good job. The crab runs away in fear.

Clare feels like she's creeping on people's convos and relashee's. (Conversations and relationships. COOL ABBREVS, CLARE.) The crab hides again.

Mikey asks Clare if she wants to go for a walk and Clare is like totes. Even though she's not into him. He tells her he wants to go out with her and she's like...yeah.....ok, fine. They head out and walk into a man and woman with their crotches touching. Partner yoga! Sexy. Mikey looks terrified, and Clare looks like WHY. Tantric yoga on a first date! "I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO RUB PRIVIES WITH MIKEY ON OUR FIRST DATE!" Circus music, so obviously this isn't going to last. SEXY! Mikey makes a bunch of awkward sexual jokes and now even I'm uncomfortable.

Clare tells Mikey that she's really open to meeting everyone and so she doesn't want it to be more than it is. Mikey responds with "let's make out" because he wasn't listening. Clare turns him down and says she wants to meet everyone else first, and Mikey comes to his interview and tells us that their feelings are mutual and they're totally in love. So Mikey and Ashley I are the same, basically...they have conversations with the people they're interested in and hear things that don't happen! Real life, guys.

Everyone is in the water doing gymnastics. They're so talented! Tenley comes to the pool all dressed, and everyone is like "what are you doing? Why are you dressed? Aren't we in Paradise? What's happening here?" Ashley S gets a date card and she takes Dan! No hesitation at all, she just picks him. They're cute and weird together!

Moving on. Tenley is bummed because she hasn't connected with anyone else. Mikey has a man bun going on or something, but his hair isn't long enough to do anything. So it looks like a baby's ponytail.

Tenley and Jared go for a walk, and Ashley I is freaking out because IF THEY'RE IN LOVE WHY IS HE GOING WITH HER. More tears. Ashley I also hates old ladies. And so to fix how she's feeling she's going to take some shots. SHOTS! Lemon drops galore! Lauren says "If I have to help you throw up later..." Yeah. That'll most definitely happen.

Ashley I asks Tenley if she can steal Jared because she misses being on the bachelor and they always steal people. EVERYONE WANTS JARED (not really) SO ASHLEY HAS TO SOLIDIFY HER CLAIM. And Tenley is just like, sure. She doesn't want to work for it, which she shouldn't have to. Just let it happen, lady!

Ashley and Jared talk and he tells her that they had a great time and now it's like, you never know what's going to happen. "So, you're cool and all, but like, chill. Who knows. I could fall in love with anyone and it probably won't be you." Lauren says "so you're not getting a rose and we get to go home?" She totes does not want to be there anymore. "Let's go home and then die alone." Then they look at her boobs.

First cocktail party and then Rose Ceremony! Just a reminder, guys get to give the roses out to the ladies tonight.

JJ wants the girls to bestow gifts upon them at his feet because he feels like a god. That's definitely an attractive quality, JJ, just keep doin' what you're doin'.

Chris Harrison tells everyone that a lot can change in Paradise and you never know what's going to happen and who will show up! Which seems ominous for right before a rose ceremony but, this is

Jillian takes JJ's hand and they go off to chat. She turns into a dude and tells him that if she had gotten the date card she would've picked him, and he eats it up. Then Tenley comes over to JJ and puts her legs on him like they're just hanging out, and gives him permission to kiss her if he wants to. WHAT. Tenley, I thought you didn't want to work for it? This is the definition of working - you're THROWING yourself at him. I get it, if you don't get the rose you go home, but like...come on. Don't lower yourself down so low that you forget how much you're worth.

And now Ashley I is going crazy because Clare is talking to Jared. And she can hear their whole conversation, where Jared says "If you don't have a rose when it's my turn to give out roses, then I'm going to give you my rose" because he wants to get it on with her. Poor Ashley. Even crazy people don't deserve to hear sad conversations like that. Clare and Jared are totally going to bone after this. Ashley I realizes that maybe this isn't the best show for her to be on because she's very focused. Womp womp. Good try!


Definite couples going in to the rose ceremony:

Carly and Kirk
Jade and Tanner
Juelia and Jonathon
Ashley S and Dan

Ashley I (and Lauren)

Rose ceremony time!

Tanner picks...Jade!
Kirk picks...Carly!
Dan picks...Ashley S!
Jonathon picks...Juelia!
Mikey picks...Clare! (Clare is worried that he still doesn't get it that she's not interested, but she's happy to have a rose anyway.)
Jared picks...Ashley I (and Lauren "oh hey")
JJ picks...stressful music! WHO WILL HE PICK!!!!!!! He picks...Tenley! EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD JILLIAN SHE HAD HIS ROSE. All because Tenley let him kiss her. Sexy time.


Tune in next week for more ridiculousness!

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