I just couldn't stay away from the amazing-ness that is Bachelor in Paradise. I hope you kids will come along for the ride again this season!
Each week is THREE HOURS of nonstop hilarity, plus an hour of talkback after the Monday episode. WHAT. No. I'm only blogging the three hours, if you want to watch the talkback you can do it on your own time because it's only an hour, versus the 8 billion I'll spend per episode. You are SO welcome! I'm going to break up the Sunday and Monday episodes because otherwise whoa. Too many words to read in one sitting.
And without further ado, here we go!!
We start off with the ever lovable Chris Harrison telling us all about how amazing Paradise is. Living in Paradise has one simple rule - find love OR GO THE EFF HOME. Aw, Paulie brings Chris a big ass drink. Because you definitely need one here in Paradise. Otherwise, who knows what you'll have to really deal with.
AND NOW, the cast of Bachelor in Paradise!
Starting with Ashley I, from Chris's season. She cries once to three times day. How adult. (I only cry half a time a day, so...stop judging). And here we meet Ashley's sister, who is apparently the "slut" version of Ashley, and three years younger. Isn't that the way of the world these days? Yes, yes it is. Oh my gosh you guys, look how cute they are! They're out on chairs tanning and they turn over at the same time!! TWINSIES. And now Ashley packs Lauren in her suitcase. (FORESHADOWING)
Jared! The guy who really needs to figure out what's up with his beard. But he's a total gentleman and that's freaking awesome. He was on Kaitlyn's season and they were totes in love. But maybe not.
Ashley S! Also from Chris's season. She loves onions and pomegranates. And her dad told her to try boys on like shoes. What? Sexxxxxy time. Good advice to give pre-Paradise.
Tanner! From Kaitlyn's season. He is only MILDLY bitter (and by mildly I mean like he is 100% bitter) and thinks he's hilarious but really isn't. He's here for Jade and Samantha. And is asking for advice from geese. Cool. They don't have any to give. Super weird considering how talkative they are.
Jade! From Chris's season. She modeled for Playboy so now everyone obviously loves her. She's also pretty awesome. I want to be friends with her, so there's that. But here's an actual quote "I don't know, maybe in three weeks I will be engaged." Well, this is bachelor-ville, so anything is possible! Literally anything. Like, you could fall in love in three weeks and be engaged! Can't think of a better example than that.
Jillian! From Chris's season. Her claim to fame is that she's super into cross fit and her butt needs to be censored. Black box covering her butt forever. BUT NOW! She's got breast implants! She's putting herself out there. With her breastesses. "I'm so excited to meet the guys and show off the girls."
Dan! From Desiree's season. He's the "whole package" because he's a "business owner" and a "libra." Yep, that's how I define whole package.
Juelia! From Chris's season. Her daughter doesn't like any of the potential dudes she's going to meet. So that's unfortunate. The baby likes Kirk! We'll see how much water that holds when they get there.
Tenley! From Jake's season and Bachelor Pad, runner up both times. (I didn't watch either of those.) Her boyfriend of five years decided to have a baby with another girl right after they broke up. So THAT sucks. I feel for you girl. (Not because I've been in that situation, but still. That super sucks.) But she can do half cartwheels! So that'll get her a dude.
And I guess that's it for now? Chris says "LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN!"
Everyone arrives in Paradise. Jade's first. She's hoping that she can stay away from the drama and find a real connection. GOOD LUCK.
Jared. Chris IMMEDIATELY brings up Kaitlyn. "Are you over her? Are you still heartbroken? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN REALLY FIND LOVE?!???!!!!!" Jared takes it well, "uh yeah, dude, I'm open to it. Let me go downstairs and talk to the ladeeeeez." And then "Best case scenario is that I would find somebody that makes me forget about Kaitlyn." You know it Jaaaaared. Best way to get over somebody is to get under someone else! Or as they like to do on the show, go in the ocean. Same thing. Aw, he and Jade are already holding hands! So cayute.
Tenley arrives! Wearing heels. She hasn't been on a bachelor show in five years aaaaand she hopes people remember who she is.
Carly's here! From Chris's season. I freaking love her. She is totally sassy and says exactly the kind of things I think and sometimes put on this blog. I want to be friends with her too. Jared's hoping that it's just the four of them.
Carly: I did not sign up to be on the bachelor again!
Jonathan! From Kaitlyn's season, even though he originally picked Britt. He comments on Tenley, Carly, and Jade's teeth and how white they are and seriously how can I get my teeth that white? I'm super jelly.
Tanner! Carly thinks he's hot. He wants Jade. Tenley comments on how after today no one will be wearing clothes. PARADISE!
Mikey T. He immediately brings up how manly he is, which, everything about him is muscles. MUSCLES FOR DAYS. Aaaand he offers to get the guys ripped like him which they are all SUPER stoked about. (Not.) No one is into him. Sorry Mikey.
Ashley I arrives. And she brought HER SISTER! TWO FOR ONE, GUYS! WHAT. Ashley I is a "self-proclaimed virgin" and Lauren is "Iacon-naughty" get it guys because it's a play on their last name! Oh, Ashley, become a stand up comedian and stop looking for love. You'll do great. Lauren is wearing heels, because no one warned her that she's going to be on a beach or walking down stairs made of sand. Ashley says that guys usually gravitate more towards Lauren than her?! SO WHY DID YOU BRING HER HERE?! WHAT. No brains.
AND THE FIRST SHOT OF AN ANIMAL HAS SURFACED! I think it's a lizard or something. Everyone is shocked.
Jonathan doesn't care if it's fair that Ashley brought her sister because he totes wants a threesome. Also he's got the crazy eyes. The new AshLee?
Mikey thinks Lauren is super hot and so he takes off his shirt. Because he's really sweaty. And now they're going in the ocean!
Juelia arrives! "You can just go in the ocean?" Yes. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT HERE. THERE ARE NO RULES.
Jared says that Mikey "took the bulls by the horn." No, that is not a typo. I have nothing else to say about that. Bu also it looks like Mikey is grabbing Lauren's boobs already. PARADISE!
Kirk arrives! From Ali's season. And wearing plaid! He says this an adult summer camp. Yes. Carly thinks he's freaking cute.
Lauren and Ashley I have a conversation. They both think Jared is cute and Ashley is like "BUT YOU'LL GIVE HIM TO ME RIGHT?!???!!!!" Ashley, why did you bring Lauren if she's not allowed to hit on anyone? Oh right, because you make out with them and she...finishes them.
Dan shows up! Ashley thinks he's cute but Lauren shuts that down right away. Same with Kirk. "Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong." MEAN GIRLS IN REAL LIFE.
Jillian is here and she is just in a bathing suit. QUOTE: WHERE ARE THE REST OF YOUR CLOTHES, JILLIAN?! Awesome. Jonathan wants to take a bite out of that...black box. Hey-o!
The ocean crashes! CRABS!
Jade says "hopefully there are no douchebags" AND THEN JJ ARRIVES. This show has the best editing. Villains gotta vil, yo.
And finally Ashley S arrives! "Did you guys grow these plants just for me?" YES.
Chris Harrison says "you are the last person to arrive." Ashley says "you mean today?" NOPE. FOREVER. And now she's not paying attention because there are birds in a cage. "Are they parakeets? They're parrots!" Chris says she's the first person to notice the parrots. Ashley says "Maybe because I have some." Chris says "Really?" Ashley says "Well, no." She's amazing.
EVERYBODY IS HERE! For now...
Very astute observation by Tanner: It's not IF crazy [bleep] is going to happen, it's when.
Guys are giving out the roses this week! And Ashley I and her sister Lauren count as ONE ROSE. Sooooo that's...a thing.
And now they all head down to the beach for something special.... OH MY GOSH LACY AND MARCUS FROM LAST SEASON ARE GETTING MARRRRRRIEEEEEDDDDDD. Totes adorbs, you guys. I hope Lacy's math has improved, but I'm about 80/40 that it hasn't. And Marcus thinks that one, or two, or maybe even three couples could happen. Those are some impressive odds to live up to! But I guess considering there were only really 2 couples that came out of last season, and one of them already broke up, I guess that's fair. Juelia catches the bouquet. Chris Harrison hopes that a year from now he's celebrating one of their love stories. Only one. SO AGAIN, WELCOME TO PARADISE.
And now the drinks are flowing. They're in Mexico, guys! Everyone is swarming around Jade, because, you know, she was naked. Jillian flashes everybody to try and get the same attention, and it doesn't work.
Aaaaand Lauren is crying. OUR FIRST TEARS OF THE SEASON, GUYS. Why is she crying? Because she thinks everyone is OLD. (Well, I mean, there are a lot of people who are 32. That's ancient.) And she hates people. (I know that feel bro.) THIS IS A CATASTROPHE.
Ashley leaves Lauren to enjoy her alone time, and goes to put her claws in Jared. Oh look! Jonathan and Juelia are pairing off already! CUTIES. Ashley thinks that Jared is prettttttty perfect. So then she sits next to him and says NOTHING. That's good flirting, girl. I wish I had skillz like you! Oh! And now THE SECOND TEARS OF THE SEASON! Ashley I. Those sisters sure know how to use their tears.
Carly and Kirk hit it off because of her small hands. The first kiss of Paradise! So cute. Carly just goes for it. GO GIRL! Jade says that Carly is her spirit animal. I totally agree.
Ashley brings up her princess ways. She's wearing her Jasmine bathing suit. OH NO. JARED AND JADE ARE GOING TO THE OCEAN. Ashley thinks that Jared and she had a good (one sentence long) conversation and they're going to take their relationship slow. Uh...Jared wasn't part of that conversation. And now Ashley's crying again. "I don't understand, I had so much fun on the Bachelor!" And now she's cry laughing. What? What is even happening.
Mikey says it's hard for testosterone driven men not to jump on something they feel right away. Dan laughs at him. Uh, hey bud, that's called rape? "Nature, I guess, you know?"
Ashley is icing her face because she was crying all night. Good job.
Jillian comes running in (wearing a bikini, obviously) with a date card! Ashley I gets it! NO WAY! She has to choose a man to get dirty with for her date. JARED LOOKS SO SAD. JJ wants the date just to go on a date. Romantic! Dan asks Jared if he would go if he was asked and he was like "I don't know, I mean, it could be anyone" while screaming with his eyes "PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE GO ON THIS DATE." Lauren gives Ashley a pep talk about how to ask him. "Hey Jared, would you love to go on this date with me?" And now Ashley is crying again. "THIS IS STUPID, WHY AM I CRYING AGAIN?" We're all wondering that, Ash.
Ashley asks Jared to go on the date! He says yes! Good job. What a gentleman. She thinks he looks like Aladdin? I think she needs to get her eyes checked. "If Jared is my Aladdin, he can rub the [bleep] out of my lamp!" I HAVE NO COMMENT BECAUSE THIS WRITES ITSELF.
They go off roading. I'm bored.
Everyone is SO SUNBURNT. YOU GUYS. You're going to be in the SUN. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Lather on that SPF!
Jared is a scorpio! ME TOO! Now I'm in love with him! Oh wait. No...that's not how it works.
Ashley S is now making out with a parrot. Oh yeah, remember how she's crazy? It's showing.
JJ shows up with a date card! Jade gets it! "Choose a MAN to take on your first date in paradise." Weird emphasis, but ok. Ashley and Jared are back! Maybe Jade will ask Jared since he came back just in time! Jillian tells Ashley that Jade got the date card. "And it says to take a MAN." Are they prompting them to do this? Is Jade maybe not straight and that's why they're telling her she has to take a man? I don't get it. Ashley is delusional and just told us that everyone thinks he's been the happiest he's been since getting here. Since yesterday? Yeah, ok Ash, whatever you say. And then Ashley says that Jade MOST CERTAINLY MAY BE into Jared. AND JADE ASKSSSSSSSSSSSS....TANNER. Good job Jade, that's nice of you.
Jade and Tanner's date. They talk about Playboy. I'm bored.
OH NO! ASHLEY S IS BEING TAKEN AWAY TO THE HOSPITAL! More on that later, I guess? But Dan goes with her! What a sweetie.
Jade kisses Tanner! Taking a page out of Carly's book, nice! Sexy time. And now they go in the river! That sunburn though. Ouch.
Jared and Ashley are talking about food? They're love is so deep, you guys. THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. WIND. HEELS ON THE STAIRS.
CLARE IS HERE!! RUH ROH. HURRICANE CLARE IS BLOWING IN TONIGHT. And Chris gives her a date card! She's here for (thunder!) TANNER, (thunder!) KIRK, and (thunder!) JARED. GAME ON!
END OF SUNDAY'S EPISODE.
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