So when we last left our heroes...
Juelia was falling for Joe, making Jonathan sad. Jared asked Clare on his date, breaking Mikey and Ashley I's hearts. Lauren (who?) left. Jade and Tanner are together and adorable, Kirk and Carly are together and adorable, Dan and Ashley S are together and adorable. Tenley is getting her freak on with JJ and Joshua. I think that's everyone. Chris Harrison is STILL reading his own book.
We open with Mikey farting. Lovely.
Mikey thinks that Clare was deceiving him by saying that she wanted to keep things open. He took it as her saying she wanted to take things slow and play it cool. Mikey, dude, are you listening to yourself? You obviously got it but didn't get it...So Mikey is realizing that two guys are going to have to go home this week, so he calls out to Ashley S. Dan gives him a look like "Uh, what are you doing?"
Birds in the water!
Jared and Clare's date! Clare thinks that Jared looks like superman. Seriously? Everyone is delusional with who they think Jared looks like. And now they're going to go bungee jumping! Take a leap of faith!
Parrots nuzzling! So cute!
Ashley I pees in the water again. Because she's still six.
Back to Jared and Clare about to go bungee jumping. NO FALLS NO BALLS! That's a literal sign they have up there. Amazing. Clare is nervous about bungee jumping, so she asks if they can just stop for a second. Jared's like "it's cool baby, don't be nervous, I'm here" and then kisses her with his eyes kind of open. That will totally calm her nerves! "You're ready. You got this. You're good. We're going to do this and it's going to be great." They jump! And Clare screams in Jared's ear for approximately twenty minutes. Clare says her body was shaking. That sounds gross. Clare's in looooove.
Kirk, Dan, Mikey, and Ashley are watching Juelia and Joe on the beach, and they're noticing his body language towards her is just very standoffish, and that he's avoiding her. Joe is waiting for another girl to show up, Samantha from Chris's season. Joe asks what kind of guy Samantha is into, and Jade tells him she's into pretty boys, like models. Joshua tells him not to sell himself short, he could be a model. To that I say: Excuse me while I vomit. Mikey doesn't think Joe is genuine, catching on to what we at home are seeing. Good job, Mikey!
SNAKE! No, literally, it's a snake. I wasn't giving Joe a nickname.
Clare is telling Carly and Juelia about her date, and how good it was. Ashley I can hear them talking, and (*GASP*) starts crying because she doesn't want to hear about their date. And how they kissed. Ashley cries some more, then cries a bit because she doesn't want to mess her makeup up. A crab curls up into itself, making us wish we could do the same.
Tenley is now in a love triangle with JJ and Joshua. A crab runs away! Michael G from Desiree's season is here! And he's here for Tenley! "Her name is Tenley, but to me she's and Eleven-ly" hahahahaha WHAT.
Michael G comes with a date card. He reads it, then translates the two words that are in Español. Everyone is thoroughly impressed with him being able to translate it, and I weep with despair for the world. Also, Joshua is SUPER sunburnt.
Michael G asks Tenley to go on his one on one date! Joshua wishes diarrhea on Michael because everyone here is a grownup.
Mikey takes Juelia for a walk. He's trying to convince her that he could be a good person for Juelia. Juelia says she just wants everyone to end up together and be happy, then says "ok, we're done with this talk now." They walk back over to the group, but on their way Mikey's like "why don't you just kiss me?" And goes in. Juelia's like "What? No. Mikey. Come on." Good for her for not giving in. But boo on Juelia for focusing on Joe. He's so gross.
Michael G and Tenley are eating at a table where they have to WALK ON WATER to get there! That's so cute. Tenley asks Michael G how he knew he wanted to take her on a date. He starts out with "obviously because you're strikingly beautiful, but then I saw how you're always smiling and you always seem so positive, and you have such good energy" and that's how I know I'm going to be alone forever. FOREVER ALOOOONE. Sorry, back to the recap.
They get up from the table and they go for a short walk and kiss! And then they walk back to the table. "Well that was a nice walk."
Jared is drunk, and so he brings up the fact that Clare is eight years older than him. But then he says that you need that spark and those butterflies. Clare is bummed. She says they had a good time on their date but there's no future there because he brought up the whole age thing. RUDE.
And now a hundred person mariachi band is playing for Tenley and Michael G's date! On water! They're all Jesus. This is amazing. Tenley's in trouble with this rose ceremony tomorrow, because she's got THREE dudes. Sassy!
Chris Harrison shows up! How weird, he's not holding his book. He asks the crew how they feel going into the rose ceremony. Joe responds saying that he's never overconfident so going into the rose ceremony is still intimidating and Juelia responds with "I think Joe knows he's getting my rose." Everybody vomits because he's SO GROSS. UGH. Ashley S is confused. She thinks Joe sucks too, and that Juelia is being played right now. (Question: Why isn't SHE saying anything to Juelia?)
Jonathan pulls Juelia away asking if she's 100 percent sure that Joe is getting her rose, and asks if Juelia thinks that Joe feels the same way about her that she feels about him. She thinks for a minute, then says "I think so." Jonathan says he doesn't think that Joe is here for the right reasons. She doesn't really believe him because she knows that Jonathan is on the chopping block and doesn't want to go home, but she also hopes that Jonathan isn't going to manipulate the situation. JOE IS GROSS. VOTE NO ON PROP JOE. Mikey pulls Juelia away again and agrees with Jonathan about how Joe is not here for her. Mikey makes a good point, to take into consideration how Joe has been treating her since their one on one. But these guys should NOT be telling her this! She knows they have an ulterior motive of not having to leave. Carly or Ashley S should be saying something to Juelia! Where's the womanly solidarity, guys?! Ugh.
Juelia tells Joe that Jonathan and Mikey don't feel like Joe is being genuine with her, and he just brushes it off. He makes some comment about how after coming back from their "really romantic" one on one date, he didn't want to be smothering her. Uh, you just completely ignored her, dude. Sure, not smothering her, but AVOIDING her is not convincing. And then UGH he kisses her super disgustingly and says "What are my intentions now?" And seriously I'm single handedly making the California drought worse by taking fifty billion showers RIGHT NOW.
THUNDER RUMBLES. SNAKES.
Joe talks to a producer and tells them that he wants to basically punch Jonathan so many times that his brains come out of his ears. Joe is the worst. MORE SNAKES. Mikey tries to talk to Joe about how he's just politicking to get Juelia's rose, and Joe just turns around and says "Uh, no, that's you." Mikey tries to get Joe to confess that he's not being real by asking Joe to look Mikey in the eyes and tell him that he's really here for Juelia and he likes her. Joe responds with "yes, I like the girl." That's not specific! That's like me saying "I'm going to walk until I get to that driveway." THERE ARE LITERALLY MILLIONS OF DRIVEWAYS I COULD BE TALKING ABOUT. Joe. You are sleazy. Joe just manipulates the shit out of Mikey! This is hard to watch. And now he says he's going to do the same thing to Jonathan. GREAT.
Ugh, this is really hard to watch too. Jonathan is actually apologizing to Joe. He says that he got caught up in the game that you have to play in this situation, and that he did it in a messed up way. That he is here to find love and that he's sorry. UGH JONATHAN STOP IT. You and Juelia had a friendship, but at least it was more of a legit connection than Juelia and JOE. And now Joe is going to make Jonathan walk back up and tell Juelia exactly what he told Joe IN FRONT OF JOE. UGH. SO GROSS. So now Jonathan is telling Juelia what he told Joe, and he's crying! And Joe is like "yeah, let's hug it out. I appreciate you making this right." And Juelia just thinks that Joe is genuine and honest, and Joe is just sitting there smiling with this gross, smug smile on his face because he pulled the wool over everyone's eyes.
IF I DON'T GET A ROSE TONIGHT, I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I TRULY MISSED OUT ON AN OPPORTUNITY TO MEET SAMANTHA. UGH JOE YOU ARE IN THE TOP THOUSAND OF THE MOST GROSS HUMAN BEINGS ON THE PLANET.
Now Jonathan is crying in the bathroom, and Joe is checking on him to rub his nose in the shit a little bit more. So rude. Just leave him alone! Ugh, and now he's bringing Jonathan's SON into this! STOP! GET OUT. GO AWAY.
Tenley is trying to figure out who she wants. Mikey G knows that she is who he's here for, and she is kind of intimidated by that. JJ is "everybody's favorite person" (what?), but she has the most chemistry with Joshua. She's not sure who she'll pick!
Jared comes to sit with Ashley I and they talk for a second and then Jared just kisses her! CUTE! And then she ruins it and says "You do that just as well as you do with Kaitlyn" AND EVERYBODY GAGS. She says "I was waiting for it long enough! But it was worth the wait."
Clare is sad that she doesn't have someone. So she makes a weird speech about how she's not campaigning and how people last year were there looking for love, and people this year they aren't. So weird. There are COUPLES. They're looking for love too? I don't get it.
Jade tells Clare that she doesn't appreciate the speech that Clare made. And now I feel like both Jade and Clare have wasted our time talking about how people are or are not looking for love. BUT OH WELL.
Ok, rose ceremony for real now.
Couples going in:
Carly and Kirk
Jade and Tanner
Ashley S and Dan
Carly picks...Kirk. Duh. Oh my gosh he's wearing a bow tie and they are SO CUTE!
Jade picks...Tanner. Aw she looks so happy.
Tenley picks...JOSHUA! JJ looks bummed and so does Michael G.
Clare........starts crying and runs away. WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
She's talking about maybe leaving...
BUT LIKE ALSO WHY DIDN'T ANY OF THE GIRLS TELL JUELIA THAT JOE IS GROSS?!
TO BE CONTINUED?! OH NO!!!
See you next week!!!