JOE IS STILL THE WORST - Bachelor in Paradise Week 3 Night 2

CHRIS HARRISON CALLS JOE AN ASSHOLE IN THE OPENING!!! Awesome.

SNAKE.

Juelia, Jade, and Samantha sit down to have a conversation about how shady Joe is. Jade says that Joe didn't give Juelia the respect she deserves, and that they don't want Sam to get disrespected. Because that's what friends DO. They look out for each other and make sure the dudes they're with aren't dickbags. Juelia starts giving Samantha the rundown of what happened, and Samantha stops her midway through and says "wait, hold up. I think Joe should be here so he can defend himself." Which. What. No. I would trust my friend over some dude. Samantha, come on. Also, Samantha looks like she's on something in her interview. So she's probably cracked out.

"Everything is fine. Nothing's weird." - tales from a delusional sociopath's scheming girlfriend, Samantha

BIG LIZARD! It eats a plant.

Juelia talks to Clare and Ashley I about how Samantha took hearing about Joe. Juelia tells them and they're like "WHAT! GIRLFREEEEN'! She's trippin." Clare says "With friends like that, you don't need enemies" and now I'm wondering who gave Clare books?

Joe and Samantha are now talking about what Juelia said. Joe says that he only wanted to pursue Samantha, and now he's making out with her cheek? I don't get it.

Jared and Tanner talk about how Joe was a saint on Kaitlyn's season, and how he was the best, and now he's turned into Public Enemy Number One. Tanner tells Jared that they're both in on it, and Jared's like "yeah, that's how it looks." Tanner corrects him and says "NO! They ARE both in on it. I've seen the screenshots!" Tanner says that Sam sent Joe a text saying "Do whatever it takes to stay until I arrive." SO basically they're scamming the show. How did the producers not know about this beforehand? RATINGS. Tanner didn't want to intervene but was thinking that maybe Joe isn't a sociopath and had developed real feelings for Juelia buuuuut NOPE.

Jared and Tanner go tell Joe that he needs to tell everyone that he talked to Sam before the show and that they know he lied to Jared's face. Joe says "no, you asked if I had ever met her."  Sure Joe. Whatever you need to tell yourself to make you believe your lies. Samantha then kicks everyone out, and tells Joe what she said in her interview, and now what he should say in the interview when they ask him about talking to her to make sure they've got their stories straight. He's like "I already answered their questions, so...." and she's like DAMMIT JOE YOU'RE AN IDIOT. These guys are real on top of their intelligent game, they're totally going to win Paradise. OH WAIT. And Samantha shuts the door on the camera guy.

Dan and Ashley broke up, which is very sad. 

AMBER shows up! She was from Chris's season. She's here to meet Dan! Ashley S is super excited to see Amber, and she says that seeing Amber "lit her face up." Amber comes in with a date card (of course), and she asks Dan. Dan says that he wants to go, but he wants to talk to her first. Ashley S comes into her interview and is really sad, but then smiles. She loves Amber! But she's sad! Because she loves Dan! Love triangle even though Dan and Ashley broke up? Maybe not. I don't know shapes.

Dan tells Amber that he and Ashley S were together but they kind of broke up, so he wants to talk to Ashley before he says yes. He then pulls Ashley aside, and she is not happy about it. She's bummed because he's been avoiding her all day, instead of coming to talk to her and saying that he wasn't interested anymore. But he's NOT not interested, he's just trying to figure out his feelings! And now Amber is here, and he's going to try that out with her. PARADISE! Sexy times?

They're reminding us of the couples in the house now:

Jade and Tanner

Kirk and Carly

Tenley and Joshua

Ashley I and Jared, I guess. Ashley says "you look really hot right now, so I'm going to run away." That's life guys!

JJ and Megan are on their date! Megan asks JJ if this is the first time he's been to Mexico. He says that he's been to Cabo for spring break. And then he asks if Megan has been to Mexico, and she says no, and then he's like "Oh wait, you went to Albuquerque that one time!" And she laughs and doesn't understand that he's making fun of her. (On Chris's season she thought New Mexico was part of Mexico. "I've never left the country before!" or something like that. BRAINS) They jump in the ocean and she says "This is the quickest I've ever been wet on a first date." HEY-O. JJ says that he enjoys her beautiful blue eyes, and her other assets. Camera zooms to her boobs. Thanks for helping us out with that one, we weren't sure what he was talking about.

DOLPHINS!

Dan and Amber leave on their date! Juelia and Ashley S cuddle. Ashley cries. Joe and Samantha are sitting on the floor like Ashley I did when she peed in the ocean. Gross. Ashley S and Juelia are in love. Friends. Ashley goes to play with the birds! And she flirts with them. Cute. Everyone is worried about her because she's brought back her crazy. That's what happens when you break up. Or is it?

Amber and Dan are on their date. Creepy strangers follow them and say "KISS! KISS! KISS!" So they do. And then the strangers yell "AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!" So they do. Again. Fireworks! Literally, in the sky. And in the air? They get to dinner. Dan tells Amber that there was something between him and Ashley and there wasn't something that he could see with her outside of Paradise. Then Dan and Amber kiss again. Then Dan says "I don't know what kind of future we have, buuuuuuuut we're having fun!"

Tanner is getting real serious about the fact that Joe lied straight to Jared's face about talking to Samantha before Paradise. Tanner and Jared are filling JJ in after his date with Megan so he can get up to date on all the DRAMA! Because what is Paradise if someone is left out from everything? JJ calls him the Vil of the Vils. OH SNAP. When JJ thinks you've done something wrong...it's like...ouch. JJ thinks Joe should give away his rose to someone who deserves to stay and that Joe and Sam should just run away to a hotel somewhere. DO IT. GET OUT OF MY FACE HOLES.

JJ goes to confront Joe, and Joe is like STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT THIS SHIT. Joe says "that's between myself and whoever decides me." JJ looks understandably confused because Joe, what the heck did you just say? JJ asks if he was here for one person, and Joe says "No, I was just here for Samantha." And again everyone is confused. Now Joe is justifying his terrible treatment of Juelia. UGH. JOE. 

Joe then insults JJ. Jared reminds Joe that he had lied straight to his face. Joe is like "whatEVER guys. Leave me alone! UGH." Joe and JJ get into semantics about what he said. JJ compares Joe to his little brother and the shit that he pulls. Joe compares JJ to his sister and says she's way more intelligent than he is. JJ calls Joe a circular reference and YES WE GET IT LET'S MOVE ON SOMEONE JUST PLEASE PUNCH JOE ALREADY. Joe tries to say that what he did is the same as what Jared did and it's like HOW DARE YOU. Jared is a good guy, not a scumbag like YOU.

Jared asks the question we've all been wondering: "What planet am I on, where I would have came into paradise thinking I like JJ better than Joe right now?" Sounds like we all need therapy.

Joe and JJ get in each other's faces! DRAMATIC MUSIC! OH NO. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Nope. Joe walks away. Dammit. JJ, you were so close. JJ yells from Joe to come back so they can duke it out like real men. Joe just looks dumb. JJ says he wants to make Joe look like the hillbilly he is and give him four missing teeth. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!!!!!!!????

TO BE CONTINUED!